To cancel this appointment and be mad at DH

[dentistdilemma]

I have namechanged for this thread as I am seriously pissed off with my DH and want to vent without revealing who I am. Apologies in advance for the long post but I want to explain exactly what happened so I can get a clear verdict.

Well it all started with the checkup at the dentist I had last week. I am a SAHM (ds is 6 months) so needed someone to look after him whilst I had my checkup. I dont know many other mums in the area and the only one I did know I felt a bit cheeky asking her for help because she has 2 dcs under 5 to look after and is expecting so I thought it might be too much hassle for her especially since ds is a bit high maintenance. Anyway I asked my mum to come over from another city (about 45 minutes away) to watch ds for me and to visit us at the same time which she was happy to do. When I told my DH about my arrangement with my mum he thought I was a bit out of order dragging her so far just to watch ds for a short checkup and said I should pay for her train ticket at least. My mum came, I had my appointment, she watched ds, I forced her to accept money for the train ticket and we had lunch together. It all went smoothly.

Whilst at my checkup the dentist asked me to book another appointment for today at 1.30pm as I had to get a filling done. When I told DH he offered to come home during his lunch break to watch ds for the half hour my appointment was booked for. We dont live far from his work so this is doable but takes precise coordination. I was doubtful he could do it so I kept double checking all last week that he knew the day and time, if he wanted me to change the timing to something more convenient for him etc. I also gave him chances to opt out by offering to ask my mum instead or my friend nearby to watch ds for me (my repetitive checking will be explained later). He kept reassuring me that it was fine and he could make it home in time for my appointment.

It wasnt fine and he didnt make it on time. This morning he warned me to be ready when he got back so that he could drop me on time. He then changed plans and told me to meet him at the station in town (parking his car there). When I called him at 1.25 he was still on the way and said he would be five minutes. I called the dentists and told them I would be 5 minutes late. When I called him again after 5 mins he was still on the way. Then around 1.41 I called the dentists to explain the situation and to ask whether they would still see me. They asked how late I would be to which I couldnt give an answer and told me they might still see me but I might have to wait for my appointment which I couldnt do because dh needed to get back to work. In the end I apologised and rearranged the appointment for the following week. As soon as I hung up, dh called to say he was outside the dentists (?). This was at 1.45. I told him I had already cancelled the appointment. He told me to call back and say I changed my mind. But I told him that I was at the station so by the time I walked to the dentists (about 5 minutes away) then I would be 20 minutes late so would only have 10 minutes left of my appointment. At this point DH got quite huffy with me and we ended the phone call with me saying thanks for nothing. He texted me after this to say he would never ever do this again. I asked him what did you do? You just proved that as usual I cant rely on you for anything even with ds now in the picture.

The reason why I kept double checking with him last week is because he has a tendency to let me down when it comes to things like this (being at a certain place for a certain time, doing things that I have asked him to do for me on time) so I just jumped to the conclusion that he was again being unreliable and so I cancelled my appointment. I know when he comes home from work this is going to kick off and he is going to say that I should have gone to my appointment since he was already there and I had 15 minutes left but I didnt want to go in late and face that embarassment especially since I had actually got there on time but was late because of him. Besides could she really have done a filling in 15 minutes.

So after my long (probably boring) rant, mn jury was IBU to cancel my appointment so quickly? Should I have just waited for him and gone to my appointment even though I was probably going to be 20 minutes late? Or was he BU to be pissed off at me when he was the one who was late even though he had left work to come and watch ds for me?

Yes having seen that the baby was asleep in the buggy that's even more reason not to have cancelled - you could have left him with a receptionist - I'm sure they wouldn't have minded as a one-off.

But again my dh would still be in trouble!!

Worra and anyone else who said that dentists usually run late. I know, that is another reason why I kept giving DH opportunities to back out. I asked him yesterday whether he would be able to stay if my appointment overran. He just kept saying yes yes. I dont think he really thought through the ramifications of how late it could be (he never goes to the dentists).

SpicyPear I have once again learnt my lesson not to rely on him for these things.

mynewpassion, one of us has to have been unreasonable (him). Otherwise how are we going to solve the coming row over it.

I am 100% with you.

OH used to do this, it wasn't so much that it put me out, it was the knock on effect. It put out the dentist or whoever, and the next person and the next and its basically a lack of respect.

Give him his due, he comes from a culture that really doesn't place importance on exact timekeeping and it wasn't till the atomic style explosion that he realised how it appeared to others.

I don't think taking the baby etc is the actual point, to me the point is you asked him do/ be somewhere at X time, you checked, you made him aware there was alternatives so that he didn't HAVE to do it if it was an issue and he fucked up.

He was 15 minutes late and in the wrong place.

And BTW he didn't come home to watch the baby for you!!

He offered to come home to look after his child.

I do normally take ds with me in to appointments. Last week I had a doctors appointment and just held him during the appointment. However this dental practice is in a building without a lift and has quite narrow, slippery stairs. My buggy is quite heavy and at the best of times I struggle carrying it but under those conditions I would never have been able to get it up two flights of stairs so I would have had to leave the buggy at the bottom and take ds out which would be highly impractical in an appointment to get fillings. The receptionists might have been okay watching ds but as I was already late and am new to this practice (only my second appointment) I didnt want to embarass myself even further by asking them to help me carry the buggy up the stairs and then watch the baby for me.

Thanks for the replies. It is helping me to calm down a bit. I thought it would be a cut and dry he is being unreasonable but I can see that it is more nuanced then that so it is helping to cool my anger down a bit.

Sorry that whole 'for you' really makes me fume

I've done the washing up for you, so what you didn't eat the food???

I've put a wash on for you so its not your clothes in the machine??

I've run the vacuum round for you so your skin doesn't shed cells it wasn't you eating the cake/bread/biscuits on the sofa????

Sorry

it really pisses me off, like they're doing me some fucking favour. . and this goes for you too my admin assistant, you didn't do the filing for me thats your JOB!!

I always take DS with me. I wouldn't ask DH. DS likes dentists and found it fascinating when big brave mummy had to have a sodding filling (which the dentist did at my checkup, so no rebooking necessary). I suppose it was good for him to see that there's nothing to worry about.

Lol Smellslikecatspee. I know what you mean. This is the problem he thinks he did me a favour (which I might have conceded had he got there on time) but in fact making sure ds is looked after is both of our responsibilities so I shouldnt have to be grateful him leaving work to ensure that he is looked after.

I am a bit pfb with my ds though so tbh even if I had managed to haul the buggy up the stairs I would not have felt comfortable leaving him with someone I dont know out of my sight.

Do you have a buggy you can clip a car seat on to? I used to have chiro appts in the exact same circs (big windy staircase, two flights). I used to clip the car seat off and carry DD up while she slept then get the receptionist to watch her while I went back for the chassis.

Not ideal, but it's nice to feel you don't have to be dependent on other people just to make your life workable once you have a small baby, IYSWIM?

Though YANBU to be annoyed that your DH let you down.

I think Yanbu in respect of your dh's attitude/behaviour would really annoy me too. However I think yab(a little)u generally - I would have taken ds with me, asked for help to carry the buggy up the stairs and sat ds in the buggy in the room with me so no need to leave him with anyone (I wouldn't be happy to leave either dc with anyone like that either). But then I had a filling when ds2 was 5mo and I bf him through it which was a slightly odd experience but worked absolutely fine.

Why did he tell you to meet him at the station then go (himself) straight to the dentist without you ?

'However this dental practice is in a building without a lift and has quite narrow, slippery stairs'

They have to provide disabled access which you could have used with a buggy. If not they are breaking the law and will be in trouble when the CQC comes to inspect them.

Yanbu as you had made arrangements. but next time just take the baby. I take 4 dc when I go. Dd is seen herself properly now, ds sits in the chair and gets a quick check until he turns 3 and the twins sit in their pushchair.

I feel it's better for them to see what goes on from an early age and get used to the sounds and smells as a normal thing before they have to have their mouth poked and prodded themselves. Plus when they start getting teeth it's useful for the dentist to have a quick look, again to familiarise the dc with the experience.

The receptionist could have helped you carry the buggy up the stairs. I think you are being a bit OTT.

In fairness to the OP, the issue isn't getting her child in the dentist or taking her child with her in future, the issue is that she had a Plan B in getting her mum to babysit for her, but husband said he would look after his child, and he let her down.

YANBU my DP did this exact same thing to me with doctors appointment i didnt particularly want to drag 2 DCs to i had to carry DS home up a hill. Then DP rings and says hes outside the doctors, load of use that is!

YANBU re your DH. You were willing to make alternative arrangements, he encouraged you not to then let you down.

AKiss, I thought that it was only necessary to make disabled access adjustments to an existing building if it was practical and not prohibitively expensive to do so? Different if it's a new fit out.

I'm pregnant with our first and i've already broken it to DH that he will have to take time off work for my dentist appointments as well as his own.

He hadn't thought about it but has agreed and will expect me to make them first thing or last thing like he has to do - ideally first thing so i go there and he stays at home till i come back, if it does overrun then tough, he's not going to go to work leaving his own baby home alone!

Your DH is obviously the kind of person who WOULD turn up 20mins late for a 30min appointment and blag his way in. My DH is too. I would be mortified and am always on time, hence why i'd make sure the appt was a first thing one so he can't be late.

He was unreasonable but it seems like this was a predictable situation and i think you could have done more to avoid it. e.g. met him at the dentist so if he was late you'd know whether the dentist was also running late etc.

I always took mine with me when they were babies and even had a root canal when one was a toddler and parked him on the seat in the corner. If your husband was running late couldn't you have taken him with you, your dh may have made it before your dentist got to you or he could have popped into the surgery as soon as he got there and stayed in the waiting room with the baby while you were finished off.

What a palaver, just bring your son next time, it's so not a big deal. I'm afraid you've sort of brought it on yourself by making such a big thing out of a routine appointment.

Have you actually read what the OP has said, chandellina?

What a let down indeed.

Call the dentist, get a first appointment, and then your H goes with you, and can leave you once you're finished, straight from the surgery, and go to work.

FFS its not about taking the DC or not

Its about the fact that the OP can not rely on her DH, the father of her child to be where he should be when he agreed to be.
Its not a faff or a palaver or anything else.

It actually doesn't matter if the OP is being PFB which I don't think she is, or that dentist/ doctors/ hospital etc. run late.

The bare bones are she asked her DH to do something, assured him that he didn't need to do it she could find/create alternate arrangements and after he assured her he could, HE DIDN'T.

That's it

The OP did all she could to 'avoid' it and he didn't step up, that's all there is to it

Personally I don't believe in the attitude that the woman on maternity leave must be velcroed to her baby and take it to the dentist, smear tests, and every other personal and inappropriate appointment.

Fathers can get time off for their own fillings, so they can get occassional time off to look after their own child while its mother has a filling. It's not going to be a regular occurance, and why shouldn't men incur some inconvenience from becoming fathers? They just need to say they are 'have a dentist appointment' and make the time up later or another day.