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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to this wedding because I only got an evening invite?

63 replies

RuePrimKatniss · 11/03/2013 17:02

Cutting a long story short. I lived with a women for 2 years (not too long ago) during that time she got engaged.

Whilst living together she had always very much implied that I would be invited to the whole day.

I do keep in contact with her now and again and met up with her at Christmas. I noticed other people had started to get wedding invites in January and I never got one. Didn't really think of it as a big deal as we rarely saw each other (due to distance) and she obviously has closer friends and family that would be invited before I did.

Got home today and see that I have an invite. However it is just to the evening do. Which would be completely fine if it was local, but the reception is at least a 5 hour drive away (maybe more depending on traffic) and I would most likely have to stay overnight too.

The invite also doesn't mention coming the ceremony either.

aibu to think it's a bit cheeky to ask people to travel 10 hours in total just to come to an evening reception?

When the travel, hotel room and present could be costing £100+?

OP posts:
anonymosity · 11/03/2013 17:04

It depends entirely on whether you want to go or not. I wouldn't be offended, as you mention you rarely see her. If you think you'll have a wonderful time, go and if you can't be bothered, don't. Simple.

Pascha · 11/03/2013 17:06

Not cheeky at all. Just decline if you don't fancy it.

OhDearieDearieMe · 11/03/2013 17:08

Is attendance compulsory? If not just don't go!

TheSecondComing · 11/03/2013 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CointreauVersial · 11/03/2013 17:10

Well, I only invited a handful of people to the full day (immediate family, and about six closest friends), and about 100 to the evening do, so I'd have been more than a bit offended if everyone took the attitude you are taking.

If you were invited to an evening party a few hours away, would you regard that as "cheeky"?

It's up to you - if you like the person and can afford the time/money to go, then go (and enjoy yourself). If not, then don't. But it's her wedding, to invite who she likes.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 11/03/2013 17:10

You lived with her two years ago and now you keep in contact 'now and again', and see her infrequently?

I don't think an evening invitation is unreasonable. Things have changed between you in the two years since she said that to you, clearly.

I wouldn't be upset or offended by that. A little sad that we'd drifted apart, maybe.

If you feel that it's too far or too expensive, decline the invitation.

LoversThatWentWrong · 11/03/2013 17:11

I don't think an evening invitation is unreasonable

I think the OP would agree and that isn't even the question here.

JenaiMorris · 11/03/2013 17:11

It's not cheeky of her, but you're under no obligation to attend so decline if it's going to cost too much in time and money.

Quite simple, really.

DeepRedBetty · 11/03/2013 17:12

She's not being cheeky, just pragmatic. Presumably very close friends and family have accounted for every seat at the meal bit and she's sending out evenings to everyone else she knows and would love to share some of the day with. The venue has to be governed by where she lives - how many AIBUS have we had about bridezillas insisting on having their weddings at the other end of the country from most of their friends and relatives?! And how many couples are bitterly regretting spending 20K plus on a single day when redundancy bites?

If other people are going to be there who you'd like to see, maybe make a weekend of it, do some sightseeing or shopping? If you'll be on your own, I'd probably not bother, as she's only going to be able to spare five mins max per guest.

givemeaclue · 11/03/2013 17:13

Not cheeky but don't go if you don't want to

StephaniePowers · 11/03/2013 17:15

The worst one I heard was a New Zealander who was invited to a wedding in the UK.

  1. He didn't realise he was an evening only invite until he was in the UK and looked at the invitation more closely.
  2. The wedding was in Cumbernauld Grin

He didn't bother in the end, just stayed in London for a while and went home.

firesidechat · 11/03/2013 17:15

Personally I wouldn't travel 5 hours for an evening invite and I'm sure they will understand if you can't make it. We travelled 2 hours there and 2 hours back for a couple of evening receptions and that was my absolute limit.

I understand why people have evening receptions, but I'm not a big fan really. The whole day tends to over run and the evening guests end up arriving while the speeches are still going on - cue awkward moment. All the day time guests have been eating, drinking and celebrating for hours and it feels like you are gatecrashing a party. Fine not to go in my opinion.

Yama · 11/03/2013 17:17

I wouldn't go and yes I do think it is cheeky. They presumably know your address as they sent you the invitation. Why on earth do people think such an invitation is going to be welcomed?

badguider · 11/03/2013 17:18

not cheeky at all to ask you, if you don't want to just say no.

StephaniePowers · 11/03/2013 17:21

It would be nice to have it the other way around: marriage service for as many as possible, followed by drinks and canapes. Then an evening meal for your nearest and dearest only.

Trazzletoes · 11/03/2013 17:23

What Jenai said.

Trills · 11/03/2013 17:23

An invitation is not a summons.

If it is not convenient for you to travel that far for an event of that duration, don't go.

It doesn't have to be a personal slight or world war three.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 11/03/2013 17:24

"I think the OP would agree and that isn't even the question here."

Oh, Is it not? Blush "aibu to think it's a bit cheeky to ask people to travel 10 hours in total just to come to an evening reception?"

I interpreted that as asking if it was unreasonable to be given an evening invitation. (given that she has to travel many miles and it would be expensive and she used to know the bride really well)

If that wasn't what was being asked, sorry. My mistake.

what was she asking?

LoversThatWentWrong · 11/03/2013 17:27

You said I don't think an evening invite is unreasonable because you've grown apart etc.

But the OP even said she was fine with not being invited to the whole day and an evening invite would have been fine if it was more local.

sooperdooper · 11/03/2013 17:28

You only see her now and again and aren't really close, it's not cheeky, she's not expecting you to travel, pay out for a room etc, she's just asking if you'd like to, if the answer is no then just say no

I've never known people IRL get so aggitated about evening invites as people do on MN

ArtexMonkey · 11/03/2013 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMorris · 11/03/2013 17:38

Yama, I'd welcome the invitation. And decline if I couldn't make it, with good grace.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 11/03/2013 17:39

So she wasn't asking if it was unreasonable to be given an evening invitation given that she has to travel many miles and it would be expensive and she used to know the bride well?

I thought she was saying she would have been ok with that if it was local, but it isn't, so she felt she should have got an all day invite. I think because of the word 'cheeky'. If someone feels something is 'cheeky', then I interpret that to mean that they think the other person should have made a different (not cheeky) choice. ie - invitation to the ceremony.

I think if you've grown apart, you've grown apart and if she thinks it's too far or too expensive to go for just the evening party, she should just politely decline and wish them well.

Anyway, no matter. If I've got hold of the wrong end of the stick it's no big deal. Just ignore my post, OP. Grin

DontmindifIdo · 11/03/2013 17:40

Agree with TSC - I've never heard anyone get upset because someone didn't come along to an evening only invite.

However, what you really are saying is "Am I being unreasonable to be offended that she doesn't think I'm one of her close friends?" Which is what 'evening only invites are for' - your extended group, not your closest dear friends. It is often that the angst and upset you read on here has nothing to do with the actual wedding, wanting to attended it, but being hurt that someone you think of as a 'close friend' doesn't think of you in the same way. Weddings with 'evening only' invites do involve the bride and groom deviding people into 'close friends/family' and 'not as important'. It seems the angst comes from realising someone puts you in a different category than you'd put them.

AnnaRack · 11/03/2013 17:53

Decline gracefully, send them a card. You wont offend them by not going.