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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to this wedding because I only got an evening invite?

63 replies

RuePrimKatniss · 11/03/2013 17:02

Cutting a long story short. I lived with a women for 2 years (not too long ago) during that time she got engaged.

Whilst living together she had always very much implied that I would be invited to the whole day.

I do keep in contact with her now and again and met up with her at Christmas. I noticed other people had started to get wedding invites in January and I never got one. Didn't really think of it as a big deal as we rarely saw each other (due to distance) and she obviously has closer friends and family that would be invited before I did.

Got home today and see that I have an invite. However it is just to the evening do. Which would be completely fine if it was local, but the reception is at least a 5 hour drive away (maybe more depending on traffic) and I would most likely have to stay overnight too.

The invite also doesn't mention coming the ceremony either.

aibu to think it's a bit cheeky to ask people to travel 10 hours in total just to come to an evening reception?

When the travel, hotel room and present could be costing £100+?

OP posts:

Original poster

RuePrimKatniss · 11/03/2013 17:58

However, what you really are saying is "Am I being unreasonable to be offended that she doesn't think I'm one of her close friends?"

No, and very rude of you to make this assumption and state it as a fact.

We have grown apart because of distance, I couldn't text her and say let's meet for lunch tomorrow. We are no longer as close as we once were. I accept that and accept that this happens to everyone in life.

It's not a problem. And I'm not hurt. As I feel the exact same way.

What I find a bit rude is expecting people to travel quite a long distance which would also mean that they would probably have to stay overnight somewhere too a bit cheeky.

OP posts:

Tailtwister · 11/03/2013 18:02

I don't think you should be offended OP, she probably delayed sending you an invitation to see if it was possible to invite you to the whole thing and in the end the numbers didn't allow it. I imagine she probably expects you to decline, but wants you to know she would love you to come if you can.

Evening invitations always cause some resentment ime, so we decided not to have any. People were invited to the whole thing or not at all.

CointreauVersial · 11/03/2013 18:02

She's not "expecting" you to attend, she's asking if you'd like to.

StuntGirl · 11/03/2013 18:03

I don't travel that far for anybody's party, wedding or not. Politely decline, send a lovely card and a present if you feel so inclined. Don't worry about it.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 11/03/2013 18:06

i rather like getting an evening invitation, as long as the buffet's good.
no sitting through the photos, no making small talk with strangers on your table, plus you get to wear something a bit less weddingy.

last one I went to had a fab band, and bacon barmcakes .

ApocalypseThen · 11/03/2013 18:06

I'm astonished how many people round here think that friends and family organize their weddings specifically to put them out in some way.

BartletForTeamGB · 11/03/2013 18:07

"It would be nice to have it the other way around: marriage service for as many as possible, followed by drinks and canapes."

That's what we did. We invited lots of people to the church, the whole congregation, our workplaces etc and laid on afternoon tea for about 200 people, before our wedding breakfast for a smaller number of people later on.

JenaiMorris · 11/03/2013 18:13

Apocalypse it's not just weddings. I've said it a hundred times recently on MN; people (not necessarily the OP in this case) seem to actively seek out offence.

They're not happy unless they've been affronted by an invitation, an innocuous bit of smalltalk or a 'look'.

Trazzletoes · 11/03/2013 18:20

She's not expecting you to attend, she's asking if you would like to.

You are entirely free to say no.

If she then took offence at that, she would be being unreasonable, but most normal people don't get offended if they were to invite someone to evening only, a long way away and that person declined the invitation.

NotADragonOfSoup · 11/03/2013 18:21

She isn't expecting you to attend. It is an invitation

Just decline.

Fillyjonk75 · 11/03/2013 18:24

If you were invited to an evening party a few hours away, would you regard that as "cheeky"?

I regard it as "This is a token invite, we don't really care whether you come or not".

We didn't bother with an evening reception invitation for a wedding in Somerset. We live in Kent and DD1 was very small at the time.

flowery · 11/03/2013 18:25

YANBU to not go if you don't want to.

YABU to think someone inviting you to something is being cheeky.

If she'd written on the invitation "we fully expect everyone to attend and will be mightily peeved if you don't", that would be cheeky.

But inviting someone to something is a nice thing to do.

flowery · 11/03/2013 18:26

Presumably due to numbers, it was either invite people to an evening do or not invite them at all. How is not inviting people at all preferable to inviting them?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/03/2013 18:30

YANBU - I think if they're asking you to travel so far to their wedding the least they can do is invite you to the whole thing. Evening only invitations are for local weddings I would say. Just turn it down and say it's too far.

SunsetSongster · 11/03/2013 18:41

I'm glad I wasn't on Mumsnet when I got married! We got married near to my home which is about 500 miles from where DH is from. When we drew up the guest list we considered who we wanted there rather than where they lived. We would have loved to have had the evening guests at the day as well but the venue wasn't big enough (and there wasn't much choice).

We invited about 30 of our friends to the evening do and most of them came even though for about half of them it meant travelling between 350 and 500 miles (and it was on a Friday for extra unreasonableness). There is no way I would have been offended if they hadn't made it because it was too far but they were special to us so there was no way we were going to prejudge whether or not they would come because of the distance. We really expected most people to not be able to come but the invite was a recognition that these people were special to us.

OP, you've acknowledged yourself that you are not as close to the bride as before but you are still important enough that she wants you to be at her wedding. Unless she is putting some guilt trip on you to go then I don't see what she has done wrong. YABU.

Helltotheno · 11/03/2013 18:46

Op there are lots of things that could genuinely turn up to prevent you going.. you being sick, no transport, something else on that night etc etc.
It's just an invite. People get invited to things on the understanding that they may not come for whatever reason.

In your shoes, I absolutely wouldn't go. It's not convenient for you and it's not really worth your while. But don't feel bad about that. It doesn't mean you're no longer friends. You could always make an excuse if you felt bad about just saying no. If it's a written RSVP, I'd say something like 'I won't be able to celebrate with you on this occasion unfortunately but would love to catch up for lunch afterwards' or something.

Helltotheno · 11/03/2013 18:48

What I meant to say was, she's done nothing wrong in inviting you, but you'll also be doing nothing wrong in choosing not to go. Really.. you won't.

Megatron · 11/03/2013 18:51

I don't understand why you think its cheeky. Perhaps they don't 'expect' you to travel there, perhaps the invitation was a gesture so that you don't feel left out even though you are no longer close. Just decline politely.

Only on MN have I seen people gripe about being invited to, or not being invited to weddings.

nkf · 11/03/2013 18:53

Don't go if you don't feel like it. I think unreason/reason has nothing to do with it. She's not obliged to invite you. You're not obliged to go. She's issued an invitation. You don't fancy it.

JenaiMorris · 11/03/2013 18:53

Maybe she thought, being so far away and not being immediate family, that it would be easier for you to attend only the evening bit rather than having to leave at hell o'clock in the morning or book a room for the night before.

Who knows?

SunsetSongster · 11/03/2013 18:54

Don't know why this has riled me but I think it was the comment
"This is a token invite, we don't really care whether you come or not".
We had about 80 people at our wedding which when broke down to:

35 - family and wedding party
22 - 11 of my friends + partners
22 - 11 of DH's friends + partners

11 people isn't very much when it covers friends from school, uni and work. There are people who only got evening invites to our wedding who I cared a lot about (but at the same time wasn't going to invite over close school friends who I had known since primary that lived nearer the venue).

mel3714 · 11/03/2013 18:56

Im getting married at the beginning of May this year, we are only having family, totalling 20, to the whole day and everyone else is invited to the evening do. I would be horrified if I thought the people invited to the evening are feeling like you. Some of our guests live quite a distance away however they are special to us and it's inconceivable to imagine not inviting them despite the distance. Also I think they'd be offended if we just didn't invite them at all, wouldn't they feel that we didn't care? Much better that we show them we care and if they are unable to attend because of distance or cost then that's fine. Would you be offended if you hadn't received an invitation at all and it all went ahead without you hearing from her? Do you know her plans for the day, large or small event?

JenaiMorris · 11/03/2013 19:08

We went to one wedding where about a week prior the bride and groom realised they didn't have enough room at the ceremony and had to hastily email everyone asking if they wouldn't mind missing that bit and coming straight to the reception.

Imagine how that would have gone down with the wedding professionally offended on MN

DontmindifIdo · 11/03/2013 19:13

but OP, she's probably not expecting you to attend because she's only issued an evening only invite! It probably won't occur to her at all you'll do anything other than RSVP decline.

It would be nice if you did, and i bet she'd really appriciate the effort, but to think she actually expects you to drive 5 hours and stay over for an evening only invite is missing the point of evening invites. They are for the 'extras' - people who havent really made the cut, they are normally 'political' invites, I invited nearly 20 people I knew full well would decline to my wedding (both evening and day invites) - but I invited them so they couldn't say they weren't invited. (Mainly Great Aunts who lived the other end of the country who'd never make the journey and work colleagues of both DH and I).

It's a given that evening only invites will only be accepted by people who are physically close to the venue and fancy a party.

nkf · 11/03/2013 19:14

Mel, why would you be horrified? It's standard form on MN for people to be offended by not being invited to the whole day.

I think invite who you want to whatever you want and don't mind if they don't come. I honestly think if more people turned down invites to weddings that bothered them, things would be better.

If a free bar/child free/distance/dress code etc bother you - then don't go.

What is happening is that brides and grooms aren't getting the true measure of possible feelings.

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