To be continuously astonished at the nasty things separated partners do to each other.

[Smartiepants79]

I have clearly lead a very sheltered life.
No one I count as family or close friends has been through a divorce.
The stuff I read on here amazes and saddens me.
How can people treat someone they once loved in these ways?
Especially when children are caught up in the middle.

We probably need a psychologist's explanation as it is so hard to understand.

YABU!

My sister said when she seperated from her husband she did things she never ever would have thought she would do.

I think we need to walk in someones shoes before we understand them to be honest.

How lucky you are not to have experienced divorce or separation.

I am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic husband. No doubt some might think I should stay with him, after all, in sickness and in health and all that. There are times when I detest him, pity him, or just feel complete indifference.

He tried to run me over when he was drunk. He caused bruising to my arm and made my jaw click for 6 months. I had to return to work full-time and support 2 children on my own because he drank so much he ended up in a psych ward. I cried on the HT because I was so scared he would take my children from school. He has taken at least 3 overdoses and barely contacts our children yet he claims to love them and tells me he will kill me if I hurt them.

Does any of that help you understand why I can't stand him, and would cross the road to avoid him? Or do you think I should be lovely to him? Personally I save my energy for our poor children.

You think it's just seperated partners that do these things to one another?

You say the stuff you read on here amazes and saddens you - i take it that you mean also the relationships some people are putting up with?

My OH left me ill and with a very disturbed adolescent. He dumped me and my daughter and told my brother in law we were a burden. My daughter is now suffering from health issues brought on by stress and she is clinically depressed. We have been through hell. He never phones to see how his daughter is and has a wonderful well-paid job in the film industry - while I have the responsibilities of a house that is falling apart, the animals he neglected and very serious illness which makes me so tired that sometimes I can not even wash the dishes. On Saturday night he was at a party with Tom Cruise in London.

Like a lot of women, I supported this man for 20 years, enabled his career and loved him wholeheartedly. He has treated me like something he scraped from his shoe and it has been a shock, both how he behaves and also how I feel even thinking about it. I can now understand how one human being kills another - the anger really is bad.

My daughter made an instant decision not to see her father. She was immoveable and still is so long after the event. My MIL has told me that is all my fault, despite the fact that initially I pushed father and daughter together - organised time for them and made accidental meetings. However, my daughter started fainting and the symptoms were so bad she had to see a cardiologist. She has begged me not to force things - so I have admitted defeat.

So yes in a way it is horrible how bitter things get. But there is always a story and feelings run very deep. The saddest thing is how all the love and special times in a relationship, seem to be instantly made ugly by it all...

Yes there are some very sad stories and I too used to think it baffling how people's love could wither and turn into such hate and contempt but after seeing what can be done in the name of 'love' it no longer surprises me.

Betrayal by those you least expect, and betrayal of not just you but your children can make you do things you thought you never would.

When it comes to children people have ugh strong emotions I honk they're actually more likely to act in an extreme way.

You can be astonished but as you have no experience of the intubation even from a close distance I'd just accept its a behaviour you have no right to judge.

Did you mean your post to sound completely lacking in any empathy?

Sorry, that was to the OP.

I am two years down the road from an emotionally abusive relationship and he still tries to control me. I've had a few occasions where I have had enough and acted in a pretty undignified manner towards him. I have now decided that no face-to-face or phone conversation is the only way forward. Problem with these type of splits are if you do have children. It's hard to have a clean break and move on with your life in some situations and you can find yourself acting in a way which is completely at odds with who you actually are. Sometimes I have felt like I could actually kill him for the things he's done to me and the selfish excuse for a father he is to DD!

I guess I wasn't really thinking about people who have escaped abusive relationships. It is very humbling to hear other people's stories and what they have survived.
The strength some people have is extraordinary.
I am very aware how lucky I am that my family is so untouched by this.
I completely agree that the children are the ones who really lose in this situation.
I also can't imagine staying with someone who behaves in the ways I have read about in some recents threads.
I am not judging anyone's choices just amazed at what some people do to each other.

Maybe I do lack empathy.
As I said I have no personal experience of this.
I obviously don't mean to be lacking in empathy and I generally feel I am an empathetic and sympathetic person.
Maybe it's more a lack of understanding.
I repeat I am not judging anyone's choices.

op, you have absolutely no idea how lucky you are to have had no experience of this. what exactly did you hope to gain by posting such a naive and ill-informed thread?

you will most likely really piss people off.

now go back to your lovely little sheltered bubble.

WilsonFrickett, I read the OP's questions as sincere. She is saying she can't understand, and asking for help in understanding. Can you suggest a better way to develop some sort of empathy with people in a situation which seems so strange?

It's usually the case that these relationships were abusive or unhealthy before they ended, and often the continued abuse is about the abuser trying to keep control of their ex.

And of course most people can't imagine staying with an abusive partner it's the frog in boiling water theory though. People don't start out like that.

Actually, you know... I understand why someone would react to being treated "like shit" as another poster put it. Me, I think I'd go insane if my husband wanted a divorce and then underwent a personality-change overnight and stopped caring about our children.

But, everyday on MN, I am astounded at how many men (this is a mainly female site, the majority of which seem to be heterosexual. I am not claiming this is solely a male phenomenon) do do exactly that. I am horrified at the treatment that some ex-partners have meted out to the women on here. Is that what you meant, OP?

Of course I know how lucky I am. I am thankful for it every day.
Maybe I am naive but I am thankful for that too.
I do NOT mean to "Piss people off". I understand this is a very distressing topic for some and I appreciate anyone taking the time to share their stories with me.
Hopefully I will be less 'naive' after this.
Not sure it is necessary to be rude however!

Well I always say you never know what goes on behind closed doors, some families seem perfect, loving and happy but behind closed doors it's a completely different story so the fact that you don't know any divorced couples isn't actually everything.

Maybe they didn't actually once loved...

Personally I don't do anything to my ex, except in trying to keep my sanity, as well as safety, and to protect my DS.
He'll tell you otherwise, of course.

People who do try to hurt the other partner, even if they are the wronged party, are not really good people at heart, IMO, or care much about their children if they have them.

Yes Jessie that was more what was in my head!

I think all the posts on this thread prove the OP's point. In that, people telling stories about how bad they were treated. How could they treat someone they loved enough to marry like that, (the DHs treating the DWs so badly0.

Ah, regarding the abuser's motivation, it's another issue.

On my ex's side, what he has done after divorce is mostly because he couldn't do it behind close doors.

On my side, the don't mess with me attitude has resulted basically in him quieting down eventually. As well as respecting more his contact with DS, both in time keeping as in content of Skype calls.

As far as I'm concerned he's still the enemy, until his abusive attitudes (such as gaslighting) completely stop. I don't wish him harm, but don't give him the benefit of the doubt at all.

YABU

Also very true Suzy.