you have no idea until it happens to you. I was left pregnant with our third child by my husband (now ex) for another woman he'd been having an affair with for years. You can't even begin to understand what I went through - shame because I had no idea, shame because I felt it was all my fault, fear because I had no idea how I was going to keep a roof over my head, let alone over me and three children....I had to put up with being lied to constantly (to the point where I thought I was going mad), the complete withdrawl of financial support (I received a letter from the mortgage company on the day I gave birth threatening repossession), was physically attacked by my ex, had a car door slammed into my pregnant stomach...all the while she was sitting in my seat at the 'family business', taking a salary from it whilst she worked full-time elsewhere, driving around in a company car, taking holidays (including one holiday where they went to the same place we got married on the other side of the world).... people I had known for years and counted as good friends crossed the street when they saw me coming, no one phoned to see if I was OK and I later found out that he had told people that I had raped him to get pregnant. They used to drive past my house constantly, and one day followed me into a multi-storey car park where I found them with the key in the door (ex still had one) - I suppose they were going to take it off me as it was in my ex's name. There is more to it but it's very depressing!
I was lucky to find support online and that support stopped me from finding my nasty side and fighting fire with fire. I recognised that the children were all he cared about - so much so that I could have ruined his life by blocking contact and playing games. I never have. He sees the children when it suits him. He never pays maintenance and at one point, he disappeared from their lives for over 15 months. I kept my dignity and self-respect and some years later, am so grateful for that support and the way I handled it all. With the 'wrong' people in my life at that time, I am sure that things would have been very difficult. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint and I have my moments but overall, things could have been worse for the children and I have done my best to protect them from the worst of it.
I had no idea my ex was capable of such disgusting, angry, abusive, controlling behaviour. He's still at it now. I'm a new person, far more inner strength, financially secure, doing great with life generally. He's not happy. He knows what he had and that he threw it away and that he'll never have that again. Not because he wont' find love again, but because he knows that he will never again have a relationship based on honesty and mutual respect as he'll never tell anyone the truth of what he did to me. We have gone through several girlfriends - all who clearly didn't have a clue. One even turned up on my door step once to apologise to me when the relationship had ended - for thinking awful things of me which, with the benefit of hindsight, she realised had been totally unfair. I am glad she got out.