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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my MIL to stop shopping for my DD?

66 replies

OverThePond · 11/03/2013 03:51

I realize as soon as I start explaining I will sound like *you all will fill in the blank, but I am so annoyed I will risk the wrath...

My MIL took a business trip and hit the boutiques a la Pretty Woman on Richard Gere's plastic. My daughter now has several bags of designer clothes to grow into, including swimsuits that will fit her in two years, seven pairs of the same pants which to me look like something that belongs on an old woman in a care home. No receipts, bought in NY, and very not my style (although to her credit--nothing is pink, hooray!) This is more than I would spend in a year on my daughter's clothes and much of it is not very practical.

AIBU to think that the bulk of the shopping for my child's wardrobe should be under her parents' purview? AIBU to think that spending more than our mortgage on children's clothes is excessive and just ... ugh? AIBU to think that my DH should be able say something besides "thanks for the lovely gifts?" Perhaps, "thanks, we returned most of it and bought clothes more appropriate for the playground. We saved that really gorgeous outfit she'll get a lot of wear out of, and we donated $1000 to the homeless prenatal program in your name."

Gah, I feel so helpless, and that is not my style. Advice and brutal "lucky-you-my-MIL-is-a-_" comments to make me feel spoiled not insane, so i can move on, please. Am seriously planning on donating it as soon as my daughter grows out of it.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 11/03/2013 04:42

Be grateful, and put them in the dressing up box! Yabu.

justaboutalittlefrazzled · 11/03/2013 04:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/03/2013 04:52

How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to have her own taste?

Keep the things that you dislike least and sell the rest on ebay if it can't be returned? :)

Sunshineandwaves · 11/03/2013 05:05

It all seems pretty harmless to me. I don't really understand why you would be so protective as to who is and isn't allowed to buy clothes for your daughter? She obviously had fun buying your daughter the clothes. I'm always grateful when people buy clothes for my kids as it helps us financially. If I'm not keen on the style my kids wear them at home or at the park. If they are too big can't you just store them?

SquinkiesRule · 11/03/2013 05:10

I'd save what I like and a pair of granny trousers in case she asks, and eBay the rest if you can't return it to the stores.
I have a family member who hasn't seen my Dd in years, she doesn't listen when she asks what size she wears and then sends me beautiful designer dresses such as Prada and my poor Dd can't get in them, I can't return them even though the tags are on. So I have to taken them to the consignment store, and buy things my Dd can wear.

Fairylea · 11/03/2013 05:30

Put it on, take a few photos to show she's worn them. Then eBay and do whatever you like with the money. :)

Fairylea · 11/03/2013 05:31

Sorry I mean put the clothes on your dd. It's half 5 and ds 8 months has just woke me up !

wafflingworrier · 11/03/2013 05:32

you could try directing her next time? i do this with my mum, have given up trying to stop her buying things, just casually drop into conversation that we need a grobag etc. and could she help (i know this sounds scheming but i see it as the lesser evil-at least we get something we can use and she has the joy of shopping and choosing etc, i got so sick of taking stuff to charity shops that we would never use, also she is flattered to be asked for her opinion on stuff and seems to like feeling included this way). i've also drawn the line at "things she can grow into" by pointing out we wont know what size my daughter will be next summer so would potentially not wear stuff, also by repeatedly saying we have so little storage space.

maybe pick a hobby that she can indulge her grandchild in-does she get to spend much time with her? that way, she can spend the money on a nice day out together, your daughter gets a nice time with her grandma, you get a break etc. (zoo/museum trip every tuesday, horse riding...etc?)

YANBU- she is being kind but also controlling. your partner probably doesnt want to say anything because he's used to her doing this sort of thing to a greater and lesser extent with other stuff too.
YANBU-she is wanting to help but doesnt know how to, so try and figure out a better way for her to do so and you'll both be happy...it wouldnt matter if there wasn't so much money getting wasted, but as there is i would consider talking to her about it. good luck!

ripsishere · 11/03/2013 05:41

YANBU. My ILs continue to buy polyester dresses for my DD despite the fact:
She would rather disembowel herself than wear a dress
It is 35+ most days her so polyester is a poor choice of material
They buy her pink or purple
They have no taste.

HollyBerryBush · 11/03/2013 06:25

You know, till I die, I'll never understand people being so ungrateful that someone does something nice for their child.

She won't love you any the less and grandma more because she was bought some nice things.

The gifts were to your daughter not you, and if she likes them, thats all that matters really.

Why should your DH have a word with his mother, at your behest, to convey your opinions and risk offending his mother?

Ah but of course it's yet another MIL thread.

pansyflimflam · 11/03/2013 06:40

Yes it is annoying and inconvenient but coming from a good place. Please don't say anything (or worse ave her son do it) because it would make you even meaner than you already sound.

ChompieMum · 11/03/2013 07:06

YANBU. It can feel very disempowering for a Mum to have someone else effectively choosing what their DC wear and it is difficult to watch large sums of money being spent on useless items. Perhaps say thanks for what you have and then say you are keen for Dd not to be spoilt so perhaps she could stick to one outfit every few months and if interested in spending more either start a bank account for her or ask you if there is anything in particular she needs.

TuesdayNightDateNight · 11/03/2013 07:17

Honestly. YABU and giving yourself a hard time for no reason. As soon as your DD is able to speak she will almost certainly make it very clear to everyone (including you) what she will and won't wear.

So it's a moot point! Just make sure MIL sees her in a couple of outfits and eBay the rest. But I guarantee, at least one of those outfits will be DDs all time favourite and she WILL insist on wearing it everywhere and you will let her for an easy life

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 07:23

I agree with TuesdayNight- your DD will have her own ideas as she grows into them- maybe she will follow MIL in taste- maybe she will hate them. Either way it is harmless if she wants to spend her money.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 11/03/2013 07:24

I know exactly what you mean actually, because now you have a load of stuff you don't want. I would keep a few items and take the rest to a charity shop far far away.

It is precisely because on the face of it it seems 'nice' that makes it hard to deal with. But a gift is not an obligation on you so just say thank you and then give away. Just don't get stressed about it!

FamiliesShareGerms · 11/03/2013 07:25

Assuming that you aren't really struggling financially at the moment (and a month's mortgage payment would have been more use and therefore better for DD), YABU

HeadFairy · 11/03/2013 07:25

My FiL buys our dcs really expensive and hideous clothes... I smile gratefully and then ebay them. I suggest you do the same, give the money to charity if that feels better. I use it to buy them more appropriate clothing.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 11/03/2013 07:26

I wouldn't eBay and make money from it, so if mil asked I could say I gave it away to others who needed it.

diddl · 11/03/2013 07:29

What has "not my style" got to do with anything-the stuff isn't for you!

Good grief-keep what you want, sell/give away what you don't!!

PurplePidjin · 11/03/2013 07:30

Or, from the other side...

Aibu to be hurt by this? I recently went to NY on business. My dil has strong views on what my dgd should wear - no pink, nothing too grown up - and my colleague told me about a lovely shop there selling clothes that might be suitable. I managed to get out of a meeting early, got in a cab as it was quite a way down town, and chose some clothes that i thought would suit, including bigger sizes as i know how hard it's getting to find things like proper swimming costumes (dil insists dgd will never wear a bikini)

Ds has now informed me that she will be ebaying the lot. Aibu to be upset?

Iaintdunnuffink · 11/03/2013 07:30

If its a one off then I would let it go, then eBay it as soon as she grows out of it. I think the only time to say anything is if it becomes too regular an occurrence. However well intentioned its hard enough to find space for too many gifts.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 11/03/2013 07:44

Purple - I think people who take it upon themselves to buy large amounts of presents need to take it on the chin if they are not wanted. A gift, however much the giver thinks it is perfect, is not an obligation on the recipient to like it or use it. A gift should be freely given or it is not actually a gift.

There are many people who give for non-altruistic reasons too, although it is not possible to gauge the giver's motives in this instance.

CloudsAndTrees · 11/03/2013 07:49

You don't like what has been done, and that's fair enough. But your daughter isn't only your daughter, she is your DHs daughter too, and she is your MILs granddaughter. She is also a person in her own right. So you are wrong to think that you should have 100% control over what is given to her.

Your DH was right to say nothing but thank you.

Let your dd wear what she wants to, put the stuff you really don't like at the back of the wardrobe and forget about it. It's just clothes, it's not a big deal.

Floggingmolly · 11/03/2013 07:55

It probably is excessive, but no, it's not "just... ugh" Confused. Why would it be? If you don't like the stuff she's chosen that's unfortunate, of course, but she doesn't actually need your permission to indulge her grandchild.
Stop trying to control their relationship, or it may backfire on you one day.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 09:08

I think that the sooner DCs get old enough to have a preference the better! Who is to say that the DC will like the mother's taste in clothes more than MIL's taste?
What goes around probably comes around, as the mother thinks she has impeccable taste and in years to come her DIL will think it terrible.

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