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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my MIL to stop shopping for my DD?

66 replies

OverThePond · 11/03/2013 03:51

I realize as soon as I start explaining I will sound like *you all will fill in the blank, but I am so annoyed I will risk the wrath...

My MIL took a business trip and hit the boutiques a la Pretty Woman on Richard Gere's plastic. My daughter now has several bags of designer clothes to grow into, including swimsuits that will fit her in two years, seven pairs of the same pants which to me look like something that belongs on an old woman in a care home. No receipts, bought in NY, and very not my style (although to her credit--nothing is pink, hooray!) This is more than I would spend in a year on my daughter's clothes and much of it is not very practical.

AIBU to think that the bulk of the shopping for my child's wardrobe should be under her parents' purview? AIBU to think that spending more than our mortgage on children's clothes is excessive and just ... ugh? AIBU to think that my DH should be able say something besides "thanks for the lovely gifts?" Perhaps, "thanks, we returned most of it and bought clothes more appropriate for the playground. We saved that really gorgeous outfit she'll get a lot of wear out of, and we donated $1000 to the homeless prenatal program in your name."

Gah, I feel so helpless, and that is not my style. Advice and brutal "lucky-you-my-MIL-is-a-_" comments to make me feel spoiled not insane, so i can move on, please. Am seriously planning on donating it as soon as my daughter grows out of it.

OP posts:

nellyjelly · 11/03/2013 09:15

To those that think this behaviour isn't a problem, think again. Sometimes the present buying can be entirely innocent but my own Dm buys my DD stuff all the time and no I am not grateful either because it all stems from her narcism , her controlling behaviour. She wants to buy affection from her GD, spoil her by buying stuff that I wouldn't buy ( eg designer stuff) so usurping my authority and other toxic stuff that there is no space for on this post.

Not saying that the MIL in this case is doing any of those things but trying to tell those who say it is no big deal that yes it is a big deal sometimes.

LittleEdie · 11/03/2013 09:20

It's horrible, but you've just got to suck it up I'm afraid.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 09:32

It might be a problem if it was regular but I would presume the trip to NY was a one off and she got excited and wanted to treat her granddaughter - why spoil it for her?

DoJo · 11/03/2013 10:06

I can't see the problem - to date, my son has had more clothes bought for him by other people (mostly his grandparents) than me, and quite honestly I'm glad that they think of him when they are out and about. Whilst some of the things aren't necessarily what I would have chosen, it's not a big deal in the general scheme of things (and my son looks adorable in anything, naturally!). I can understand that you might wish she had spent the money on something more practical, but it's not really up to you to direct her present giving and I think 'it's the thought that counts' is probably a good mantra.

seeker · 11/03/2013 10:17

"AIBU- my Mil went on a business trip to New York, and I know she went shopping, but she bought absolutely nothing for dd. She said she "knows I like to choose all dd's clothes myself" I am beyond furious. She is soooooo selfish, and wants to spend all her money on herself."

Floggingmolly · 11/03/2013 10:20

LittleEdie. Was that sarcasm? I really hope so.

Meglet · 11/03/2013 10:25

As someone else has said, take a couple of snaps of her in some of the outfits and e-bay the rest.

It's a waste having things cluttering up the cupboard that aren't practical.

firawla · 11/03/2013 10:26

yabu really. shame she didnt choose things you like, but it seems like she was trying to be nice and just got over excited with the shopping. unless she has form for buying too much stuff and forcing you use it or other really controlling presentbuying type behaviour i wouldnt over think it. she was on a trip and got over excited buying - nevermind.. not the biggest deal is it
just say thanks and leave it at that. very rude and hurtful to her if you start confronting her with "parents should choose all the clothes" etc

DowntonTrout · 11/03/2013 10:45

Oh dear. I went to Westfield last week and had a lovely afternoon choosing some baby things for my not born yet, first grandchild.

I went to an expensive baby wear shop, because I would like to send some really nice things, and didn't buy newborn sizes because I know how quickly they grow out of them. I thought my DD would appreciate them because they don't have much money and they have been given a lot of second hand things, which is brilliant, but I enjoyed spending my money and I hope DD will be happy with them too.

So- should I take it all back- for fear of upsetting her or be thought of as controlling? I mean imagine- a grandparent, all excited at buying lovely things- how thoughtless and selfish I must be.

DeWe · 11/03/2013 10:50

"thanks, we returned most of it and bought clothes more appropriate for the playground. We saved that really gorgeous outfit she'll get a lot of wear out of, and we donated $1000 to the homeless prenatal program in your name."

That is so rude and hurtful. She has spent time enjoying shopping and chosing things she thinks you would like. Would you really say "you wasted your time and money because I don't like it and I'm not letting her wear them" which is roughly what she'll hear.

If she's likely to do it again, then a couple of comments as someone made upthread about suggesting things you would like/want. And add in "please don't get as much because you got her so much she's still got stuff to grow into."

If she avoided pink because she knew you didn't want it, then she's obviously put in some effort to think of you.

My ILs have bought clothes for the dc. Sometimes it's georgeous, sometimes it's not what I would choose. But, you know, they don't have to only wear stuff that I love. Sometimes something I've thought "oh no" they've put on and looked fantastic and sometimes not. And it doesn't harm them to wear stuff I'm not keen on. It's good practice for when they dress themselves in the lime green striped leggings and pink spotty dress.

firesidechat · 11/03/2013 10:54

Strongly suspect that I may be this kind of mother/mil.

Ever since my children were little I have found it very easy to buy for them and almost impossible to buy for myself. Childrens clothes are adorable these days and very hard to resist, so will just buy with complete abandon.

Kaekae · 11/03/2013 11:03

With you nellyjelly. I used to get into terrible arguments with my mother over this. Constantly buying things for my DC, usually to buy their affection. I felt as if my mother was overpowering me all the time. Now I accept the gifts, either bin them give them away or sell them. Can't be bothered with the arguments.

HecateWhoopass · 11/03/2013 11:07

I think the only acceptable response to a gift is "thank you very much"

Saying anything along the lines you suggest is horribly rude.

I may be missing the point - and I am sure I will be filled in if so - but I don't see the problem. You haven't been asked to pay for them. You aren't out of pocket at all. They're just clothes. If they get worn, great, if they don't - ebay.

I don't want to sound dismissive at all, but I honestly don't see where the problem is.

I'd love it if other people came calling with bucket loads of clothes for my kids. They cost a fortune and it would be lovely to have someone else chuck some this way.

Magimedi · 11/03/2013 11:10

YABU

Can just imagine how much more cross you'd be if Granny came back from NY with nothing for granddaughter.

And clotes are much cheaper in the US so she got more for monewy.

Magimedi · 11/03/2013 11:10

clothes

MordecaiMargaret · 11/03/2013 11:12

Does she want to buy your dd all the time or was it because she was in NY and wanted something special?

Kid's clothes, even designer, are really cheap over there and maybe she got carried away?

Saying that, my mil does this and it's def a control thing, buys ds loads of clothes for coming winter/summer. When we visited them at Christmas she told me 'I have all all dgs clothes for the hols up there, I want him to wear the red shirt Xmas day'

Obv he didn't wear that and unfortunately I 'forgot' to bring it home with me.

For you, is it more the fact she spent an excessive amount of money or do you feel she's trying to dictate whet your dd wears?

NotMe2 · 11/03/2013 11:22

AIBU to think that the bulk of the shopping for my child's wardrobe should be under her parents' purview?
No there is no reason why the parents should have a say n every single piece of item the child is wearing. You have received a gift, nothing is stopping you treat that as a gift and still buy the bulk of her wardrobe yourself (depending on what you think is more appropriate etc...)
AIBU to think that spending more than our mortgage on children's clothes is excessive and just ... ugh?
Again, what you consider being a lot of money might not be a lot to her. She was happy to spend that money, let her be happy.
AIBU to think that my DH should be able say something besides "thanks for the lovely gifts?" Perhaps, "thanks, we returned most of it and bought clothes more appropriate for the playground. We saved that really gorgeous outfit she'll get a lot of wear out of, and we donated $1000 to the homeless prenatal program in your name."
Errr what are you trying to do there? You can't return the gifts anyway. So the point is? To tell your MIL that she is spending her money unwisely. For gifts thare tatty. Or that you wouldn't comfortable to see your dd wearing clothes that are (too?) expensive. Or do you want to make your LIL feel guilty. For what? to have spent her money on clothes she liked for her grandaugther? What a horrible MIL

LazyMonkeyButler · 11/03/2013 11:25

Just how ungrateful can a person be? I am always amazed by these threads TBH. Yes, your DD is your child but she is also your MIL's grandchild. How perfectly awful of your MIL to want to treat her own grandchild . Why on earth should she have to run every single purchase by you first to see whether you approve of the style/colour/price?

For heaven's sake get a grip. Show some gratitude for the kind gifts, let your DD wear what she can and donate anything else to a charity shop or a friend with a child who will make use of them. Also, make sure that your DD wears at least some of the clothing when your MIL visits.

There is no excuse for being so rude, I am not at all surprised that your DH says nothing to his DM apart from "thanks for the lovely gifts". That is, after all, the appropriate response.

Hawkmoon269 · 11/03/2013 11:26

Oh dear. Op, I do think yabu and a little bit rude. However, I sympathise and am about to take a similar haul to my local charity shop! Feel guilty but my mil will never know!

eavesdropping · 11/03/2013 11:27

YABU. Your MIL is just enjoying being a grandmother and buying things for her grandchild - hardly something to get upset over, is it.

Let her do what makes her happy and accept the clothes graciously. Then do with them as you see fit - occasional wear or photo for the MIL, regift, eBay, charity shop, whatever.

EuroShaggleton · 11/03/2013 11:31

YABU and very ungrateful.

WeAreEternal · 11/03/2013 11:32

You are being quite U.

You say thank you for the gifts, she was being thoughtful, it's just unfortunate that you don't have the same taste.

If you really hate them then pick out a few of the nicest and stick the rest on eBay, use the money to buy her other clothes and make sure to dress her in the ones that you kept whenever you see MIL.

goldenlula · 11/03/2013 11:38

I think YABU. as these were gifts you can still but clothes you like and just have extra. I prefer people to but clothes bigger so I know they will fit them at some point. Step mil has a habit of buying clothes too small and I always feel bad that the children do not get the wear out of their present.

nancerama · 11/03/2013 11:38

I'm torn on this one. I do find it odd when other people buy clothes for DS which are nothing like the things I dress him in from day to day. It's strange to me that people impose their own tastes on other people's DC

On the other hand my MIL last greeted DS with "I didn't know you were blond". He was 16 months at the time - that's how little interest she takes in him.

I think I'd lean towards being thankful that your DD has a grandmother who dotes on her and then sort the gifts between stuff to keep and stuff to eBay.

Saski · 11/03/2013 11:40

I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

Your post veered off towards preachy, you might want to consider the possibility that you're coming across that way to her. I agree that spending a lot of money on kids clothes is ridiculous, but it's her grandchild.

My mother in law has horrible taste in kids clothes and I hate it when she buys stuff for my kids. I'm controlling of their wardrobes. I try to keep it under wraps. I put them in the stuff that I feel that I can bear for one wearing - I take pictures, frame, them, give them to her - then stash the clothes in the kids' clothing cupboard at her house. The stuff that is just way too ridiculous - I ship off to goodwill and hope she forgets.

Are the clothes she bought for your daughter D&G (or similar)-style slutty? If so, you could reasonably protest that.

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