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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think he's aboard?

81 replies

Pinkdaisy4 · 09/03/2013 22:51

NAme changed but a regular.

So, I've been with my new bf for about a month. We both met at work and the attraction was instant. He's single and I'm recently separated. We both work shifts and I have a young ds so meeting up is a task but we manage it.

My issue is that he said he was on a 7 day course in b'ham coming home tomorrow. He's texted me every morning telling me he loves / misses me. I hadn't heard from him this morning so rang him this evening. The dialing tone sounded odd, like the one you hear when calling abroad. It rang and clicked on to voice mail.

Weird or am I being paranoid?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 09/03/2013 23:39

Wondering whether your DP is behaving in a suspicious way and asking about it in AIBU is a bit like being ill and googling your symptoms, not to be recommended Grin

I do it myself, you only have the OP to go on and you have to read between the lines.

But the bloke hasn't done anything!

You've said you've just come off AD's and might be a bit paranoid, you don't know him that well after a month so can't go on your experience of him (do you know other people who know him as well? What do they make of him?), and you're possibly a bit 'hormonal' and insecure.

Why not listen to yourself and give him the benefit?

TheSecondComing · 09/03/2013 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pinkdaisy4 · 09/03/2013 23:41

Thank you agent I will do.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/03/2013 23:43

Is he on Facebook?

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2013 23:44

If you're doubting someone who claims to 'love' you after just a few weeks of being together, I'd say you're either not ready for a relationship (after your recent separation) or you should go with your gut instinct that tells you he's lying.

Even if he's telling the truth, to be suspicious of him this early on isn't right is it?

YouTheCat · 09/03/2013 23:45

I started seeing my dp a month after I left my ex (we had been separated for a year though still living in the same house due to circumstances). We also both were head over heels after our first meeting (long distance relationship).

Still very happy and sickeningly loved up after 3years (2 and a half living together). Grin

So many things that people could say are odd about our relationship (he is 34 and I am nearly 44 for a start) but it really doesn't matter because it works very well for us.

Pink, don't worry about the dial tone, it sounds like a lot of people get the same thing. Has he given you any reason to doubt him?

Original poster
Pinkdaisy4 · 09/03/2013 23:46

Second - I don't need that call daily. I'm just saying its odd I've not heard from him.
6 mths separated and long ish periods 2-3 yrs of single life as an adult. About 3 lots of 3 yr periods if that makes sense!!

OP posts:
Dannilion · 09/03/2013 23:48

Another one who thinks that maybe you're not in the right place for a new relationship just yet. There are a lot of things you've said that would make me raise an eyebrow if you were a friend confiding in me. I don't mean this is a horrible way.

Original poster
Pinkdaisy4 · 09/03/2013 23:51

Cat - he's never given me any reason not to doubt him before.

Dannilion - what things !!?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 09/03/2013 23:53

Might be connection playing up? Mine has been all day, as has dp's which is damn inconvenient as he's 200 miles away helping his mum and her partner move house.

TheSecondComing · 09/03/2013 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2013 00:00

It'd be naive to think your DP would never do anything untoward, but you have to get the 'evidence' you'd accept into some kind of hierarchy.

If finding emails to another woman professing his undying love is at one end, a suspicious dialing tone would be at the other.

Dannilion · 10/03/2013 00:03

That you think he's abroad because you haven't heard from him in a day and there's a funny dial tone. I mean, that's a wildly irrational thing to think. Really, it is. My phone makes all sorts of sounds. Even when I'm sat on the sofa, DP has never accused me of being anywhere other than where I say I am so do you not trust this man?

It sounds like you're a bit too emotionally invested in him already and you're looking for something to go wrong. Maybe your self esteem has taken a bit of a hit following your separation, I dunno.

But yeah, those things.

I sound like a right bitch, sorry. I know what it's like to feel the way you do and it's not nice.

squeakytoy · 10/03/2013 00:06

An abroad dial tone IS completely different to one when you are in the UK though. I know instantly if someone I am calling on their mobile is abroad.

And a month into a new relationship is also the most crucial time when someone could still be involved in an old relationship, dabbling with other possible new relationships, and you cant know that person well enough to tell if they are lying either.

Sorry OP, but I would say it does look suspicious.

Pandemoniaa · 10/03/2013 00:08

I don't see where he's given you cause to doubt him. His phone is ringing out differently. This might well mean absolutely nothing so I'm astonished that you are already developing a scenario that involves him sneaking off out of the country. Let's face it, in a relationship this new he doesn't really have to tell you anything but why assume that what he does tell you is untrue?

If you carry on like this then I really do see red flags.

Original poster
Pinkdaisy4 · 10/03/2013 00:09

Squeaky - he's not on fb.

Dannilion - sleep deprivation has a lot to do with how I'm feeling today ! Everything is worse when I haven't slept.

OP posts:
Dannilion · 10/03/2013 00:34

Get off mumsnet and get some sleep then! Grin

MumVsKids · 10/03/2013 08:25

What time is he due back?

Slainte · 10/03/2013 09:02

I've had that dial tone thing sometimes when ringing my mum's landline so wouldn't worry about that.

In your OP you said you work together so wouldn't you know if he's on a course or not?

grobagsforever · 10/03/2013 09:05

Hmmm. Normally I'd say paranoid but a seven day course is odd! Very long for a residential and also over two weekends?? Is this normal in.his field? Really hope it works out for you OP. How much do you know about the course/where he is staying etc?

Lavenderhoney · 10/03/2013 09:10

7 day course? On what? Most unusual, courses over a weekend, but you never know I suppose. Why don't you ask at work what courses are available? Is anyone else from work on it? Did you discuss it and ask where he was being put up for the week?

Phone signals can be weird, but if he has a tan on return then yes he could be leading you up the garden path.

sooperdooper · 10/03/2013 09:15

I think posting on AIBU when you're already paranoid is never going to help your state of mind

onadifferentplanet · 10/03/2013 09:22

If you work in the same place,shouldn't be too difficult to find out if there are people away on a course at the moment should it?

Buzzardbird · 10/03/2013 09:29

If he comes back from Brum with a tan I for one can tell you its freezing cold and snowing here.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 10/03/2013 09:33

Good point onadifferentplanet

OP, can you not make a very discreet enquiry at work, ask around about who else is on this course etc

I also think it's not unreasonable to love each other after only a month of dating. If you work together then you may have had a lot of time to get to know one another before actually dating.

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