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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's broke me.

77 replies

fedup218 · 09/03/2013 18:20

Won't drip feed.
Mum of 3, work full time. Husbands a lazy git. He gave his job up last year and has no plans to find other work. He's not depressed, he just didn't want to get up every day and provide for his family.
I sort the kids, do the majority of the housework, keep food in our bellies and a rood over our heads.
He goes out to the pub thursday, friday and saturday nights. If the footballs on he'll go more. He's an avid player of gold too.

I can't handle all the responsibility anymore, i feel like i'm about to have a break down. I cried and begged him to stay in with me last night but he went out with a friend he hadn't seen for a while.

He did the same for my 30th, he pissed off out with his mates and left me breaking my heart crying.

I think drugs may be involved, unsure but he has no money. So how can he afford to go out all the time??

Is it all in my head? i don't know, i don't know my arse from my elbow anymore.
Please help me before i end up on the mental ward.

OP posts:
jeanmiguelfangio · 09/03/2013 18:59

You can do this, you are such a strong woman even if you don't feel it right now, you can sort this out and it will be the best thing for you and your children. You have all the support from us, and I know it's not the same as people in RL but know we are here for you. If you need advice from a police perspective ask, as I can get you some.

You can do it. My first and truly meant LTB

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/03/2013 19:12

Christ almighty some good advice on here but also some shocking advice.

From what you have posted you have a HA tenancy with a suspended notice to seek possession on it?

How long ago was the order ( they only last a certain time if you are meeting the agreed repayments).
But that order still does not prohibit him leaving.
Do not surrender your tenancy as you will be effectively intentionally homeless.

Is it a single or joint tenancy? Does your use of the word husband mean you are legally married as opposed to just referring to him like that?

You can get a occupation order to make him leave,the fact that he is emotionally abusive and financially abusive helps with that him being a lazy lay about and you paying all the bills also helps with that.

He can also leave willingly and sign a form to remove himself from the tenancy and you sign one to accept sole responsability.

If he leaves and kicks down the door with you and the kids inside and creates drama threatening you ect then you call 999 it them becomes a DV issue. Your HA will have a DV policy I order to assist you during the time you are seeking orders ect.

Emotionally how you do it is accept he left your relationship a long time ago he just forgot to actually tell you.

Men who are happily married do not behave like that.

charlottehere · 09/03/2013 19:12

Another one saying ltb. Sad Is he violent? You sound scared.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/03/2013 19:14

Oh a single tenancy in his name can be transferred to you as long as you can prove you have lived there at least 12 months or as part of a divorce and you have the children with you.

A single tenancy in your name means he can't boot down the door

A joint tenancy can be severed with you still retaining the tenancy.

catgirl1976 · 09/03/2013 19:16

Oh I really feel for you

Trust me you WILL have that breakdown if you carry on. And he still won't change

Show him the door. I know it's hard but can you talk to family or friends?

Ledkr · 09/03/2013 19:19

Why not spend your evening Looking on the women's aid website and starting to think about the best way forward.
They run a freedom programme to help you break out if the cycle of abusive relationships.
Don't do anything tonight you've put up with him this long another few days won't make much difference.
I'd say you are more capable than you think having coped alone fit so long life won't change that much without him will it?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 09/03/2013 19:22

If you pay for everything then the financial side will be easy. emotionally, ask what you are getting out of this and the answer is nothing. and there are good men out there.

And call the police if he does anything.

FattyMcChubster · 09/03/2013 19:23

Agree you need to plan things first and that you shouldn't be with him, can I just say though - empty the bank account. As soon as possible. Move DD's and so's to another ac in your name. Web you split up the account will be frozen while things are sorted. He could have access to your money.

I know this is so hard for you but look at what you have said - all you do is cry. Why? Because of him and the situation he ha put you all in. Take control and show everyone you have self respect because you can do it and you are doing it.

There will always be someone here if you need to talk.

MustafaCake · 09/03/2013 19:24

Kick him out then you will have one less man child to look after.

Seriously, you will find it much easier once he's gone, you are already doing all the work.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 09/03/2013 19:25

So hes effectively a squatter.

You'll be fine without him, because he does nothing anyway.

TheFallenNinja · 09/03/2013 19:26

Bin bags at the ready. Fuck him off.

ifancyashandy · 09/03/2013 19:33

Oh sweetheart. I never say LTB. And am not now. Immediately. I'm sure wiser women than me have already posted better advice (skim read all replies bar yours, so can see there is overwhelming support for you) but I would suggest you mentally try and leave. By that I mean, set yourself some goals (£xx stashed away, talking to your HA, contacting Women's Aid, people in RL etc) and try to disengage. Think 'how you treat me / think of me no longer matters as you (he) will soon be out of here'. Think 'water off ducks back as I'm off to bigger and better with my life'. Think 'fuck you'.

Sometimes having a secret ambition makes us stronger. But if you've been with him since you were 14 (and +3 children makes me think you are late twenties / early 30's ish?), then I totally understand how enormous it seems to contemplate being without him.

But you already are emotionally. Just try an put the steps in place to be without him practically. And don't be down on yourself if it's 3 steps forward / 2 back.

You are strong - you've posted on here for support. Takes strength to know you need it.

catgirl1976 · 09/03/2013 19:35

OP, if you look at my posting history, you might see some similarities in our lives.

I had a breakdown 2 weeks ago.

I know it's hard, but trust me, something has to change and he isn't going to

JoCheshire10 · 09/03/2013 19:41

I left a similar relationship-no kids involved but best decision I ever made. Took massive guts and was very hard to do (and stick to) but was def worth it-I now (a few years later) have a wonderful hubby and bump on the way.

As others have said-don't do anything rash, think it through and secure your rights-you don't want to end up going back.

Take care and best of luck - you're stronger than you think you are Smile

cjel · 09/03/2013 19:45

I agree that if hes intimidating then locking the door won't help. Plan. I did and it was a really empowering time. Contact womens aid and get housing assoc. sorted, hopefully your finances shouldnt be too hard. plannning now will strengthen you and you'll be suprised how good it will make you feel.xx

dopeysheep · 09/03/2013 19:50

Do you think he's dealing? Would explain the regular pub nights and cash out of apparent thin air.

DeepRedBetty · 09/03/2013 19:53

That was my thought too Dopey. But the important thing here is to help OP with her exit strategy.

catgirl1976 · 09/03/2013 19:53

I did think that too Dopey

He must be getting money from somewhere and if the OP has a feeling drugs are involved it would explain the nights out and the magically appearing money

Maggie111 · 09/03/2013 19:58

Why not speak to a local women's refuge? They have a lot of experience of helping women who feel "trapped".

FilleUnique · 09/03/2013 20:13

OP, look how much support you have here. It must seem like a massive deal at the moment to contemplate leaving, so take it easy, read and re-read these replies and take as much action as you feel you can. Baby steps.

You deserve better, and you're doing great.

ElliesWellies · 09/03/2013 20:30

I agree with those saying don't do anything rash.

Get your money and housing situation sorted first. You need to speak to your housing association and see if there is a way to remove his legal right to remain in your home.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/03/2013 20:35

There is a way to remove his right to stay in the house, its called a occupation order and/ or a joint tenancy severance a court is the only place you can get this unless he willingly removes himself from the tenancy.

ChasedByBees · 09/03/2013 20:47

I've felt like you feel in the past. As soon as I left, it was like a massive weight was lifted. You can get locked into ways of being if its the only thing you know. I can't advice on the practicalities but you need to LTB.

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound · 09/03/2013 21:07

Sweetheart you can't live like this,its not good for you or your children. You will be fine without him,trust me on that.

youarepricelessforme · 09/03/2013 23:48

I understand how hard it must be for you when he is not helping or spending time with you my advice is to try to speak to his father or mother or sister or brother they will help you save your family and marriage its the best thing to do before making any decision to leave him ,talk to them and invite them home if practical they will see with their eyes that he is not a proper husband ,if this does not make him change then at least you have tried and his family are aware they will not blame you and they will support you .you have been with him for years and you have kids with him its a hard time for you but if you follow this steps hopefully he will improve and make a good change .good luck

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