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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's broke me.

77 replies

fedup218 · 09/03/2013 18:20

Won't drip feed.
Mum of 3, work full time. Husbands a lazy git. He gave his job up last year and has no plans to find other work. He's not depressed, he just didn't want to get up every day and provide for his family.
I sort the kids, do the majority of the housework, keep food in our bellies and a rood over our heads.
He goes out to the pub thursday, friday and saturday nights. If the footballs on he'll go more. He's an avid player of gold too.

I can't handle all the responsibility anymore, i feel like i'm about to have a break down. I cried and begged him to stay in with me last night but he went out with a friend he hadn't seen for a while.

He did the same for my 30th, he pissed off out with his mates and left me breaking my heart crying.

I think drugs may be involved, unsure but he has no money. So how can he afford to go out all the time??

Is it all in my head? i don't know, i don't know my arse from my elbow anymore.
Please help me before i end up on the mental ward.

OP posts:
Tabliope · 09/03/2013 18:31

You can't live in fear though. If it takes the police, it takes the police. What's the alternative? Another 50 years of this crap?!

Original poster
fedup218 · 09/03/2013 18:31

I rent Port. It's Ha and they have a court order on the house because he wasn't paying the rent when he was working.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 09/03/2013 18:32

He can't be that fit if he spends day after day in the pub watching football.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2013 18:32

You are already doing everything

He brings nothing to the table except as a source of sadness and anxiety

Get shut of him, your mood will improve dramatically when you just stop trying to make an untenable relationship look like it's working

Original poster
fedup218 · 09/03/2013 18:32

I feel like i'm having a break down.

OP posts:
ScottyDoc · 09/03/2013 18:33

You are an amazing and inspirational woman and mother holding down a job and bringing up THREE children. He does not deserve you and you know exactly what you need to do. There is plenty of help out there, both financially and legally. You will be ok, I promise you that. My mum was in the same position and she did it after 20 years and three kids. She is now in her own lovely house with my siblings who adore her and the partner of an amazing new man. This will be you. You know what to do.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 09/03/2013 18:34

How would your life be worse/harder if he wasn't there?

Tabliope · 09/03/2013 18:34

He's the cause of your feelings fedup. One way or another you have to get rid of the cause. I'd fight to stay in the house but I don't know all the circumstances. Maybe you might have to be the one that leaves but whichever way it happens you need rid of him as he's reduced you to this. He adds nothing to your life. You'll be happier without him.

ScottyDoc · 09/03/2013 18:34

I beg you, as the daughter of a mum who had a breakdown, to please please leave him, and to trust every single person here who believes in you and knows you can do it.

Original poster
fedup218 · 09/03/2013 18:35

Thanks Scotty. I thought he would change if he new how he was making me feel but he doesn't give a shit.
I can hear him on the phone down stairs organising meeting his mate in the pub.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 09/03/2013 18:35

Do you own or rent? Either way, ask him to leave. Rent is easier, you can talk to your landlord about ending your tenancy (if you are the one who pays it, then he's welcome to try to get a contract without you, but probably not)

It sounds like you have spent the bulk of your life with this man so far, but that shouldn't be a reason to keep throwing good years after bad.

DeepRedBetty · 09/03/2013 18:35

I think there's a fairly unanimous vote for LTB here...

For up to date help on the practicalities of Leaving The Bastard/Chucking The Bastard Out it might be worth reposting in Relationships.

Original poster
fedup218 · 09/03/2013 18:35

Love - i actually don't know.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 09/03/2013 18:39

I think your life would be easier without him, you're already doing everything, you just wouldn't have him making you misterable

You can do it, you do have the confidence, you're already doing it all

Tabliope · 09/03/2013 18:39

It sounds to me you still love him which is unfortunate - or at least you believe you love him as you've known no different and you've been with him so long. Or you're scared of him but these problems won't go away and sometimes you've got to cut your losses. If there are still feelings there on your part then it's hard but I promise you you'd look back in time and kick yourself for wasting anymore years on him. Your self-esteem is at a low point. Would you like to see one of your kids putting up with this? Or a friend? You'd tell them to get out.

PureQuintessence · 09/03/2013 18:39

I think you need to speak to the CAB about getting his name of the tenancy agreement and get help to make him leave. Your situation sounds absolutely unbearable.

StuntGirl · 09/03/2013 18:40

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this fedup.

Whose name is on the rental agreement?

I agree with the other ladies, ask him to leave. If when he goes out tonight put some things in a bag and leave them outside. Lock the door - deadbolt if you have one. When he comes back if he kicks off call 999 immediately. They will remove him.

You don't have to live this half life - a much better life is waiting for you Thanks

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 09/03/2013 18:43

Love - i actually don't know.

So would it be better/easier?

LadyFlumpalot · 09/03/2013 18:43

Get shot. Get all your important documents (passport, kids passports, bank statements, contracts, kids birth certs etc) out of your house and to a trusted relative or friend first. Draw some money out of your joint account and put it in a safe place. Actually, scratch that, empty your joint account.

ChunkyChicken · 09/03/2013 18:44

Fact; you already are alone in so many ways.

Fact; you already are miserable.

Fact; if you were single, you could possibly, at some point maybe in the future, meet someone else, who loves you, helps you at home, shares family responsibility, works to support you all & sets a good example to your DC.

How, exactly, is kicking him out/leaving him worse than being with him??!!

YADNBU to LTB.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/03/2013 18:48

Do you have family support?

Kat101 · 09/03/2013 18:50

Don't leave him, not yet. Don't lock him out. Get to the Citizens Advice Bureau on monday. Don't tell him you're going there, or that you're planning to leave him. Plan your escape. Get your rights sorted out, whether its best for you to stay in the property or leave it. Get their help with your security as he sounds a nasty piece of work. They have close links with the housing associations and can help you there.

Once you have a plan you will feel in control and stronger to get through this. Is there anyone you can safely confide in who would keep your plan confidential, and support you?

INeedThatForkOff · 09/03/2013 18:55

Are you afraid of him? And have the rent arrears affected your ability to rent elsewhere?

Tabliope · 09/03/2013 18:55

Agree with Kat, don't do it tonight. You're not in the right frame of mind and I suspect you'll end up taking him back. You need to plan it when you're feeling calmer and a bit stronger, but I still think you know you have to do it. You need to plan it and do it and know there's no going back as nothing will change with this man - it hasn't in years, so why would it now? Good luck.

Anifrangapani · 09/03/2013 18:55

You say he is off to the pub- in that case lock the door after him and leave the key in.

He seems to have no redeeming features

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