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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This generation will never know the joy of being married 50 years how sad.

74 replies

500DaysofSeasons · 08/03/2013 19:17

Aibu to think this comment is smug and sad?

(A comment on YouTube that got 107 likes) (YouTube of all the things to get offended by Grin )

Years ago divorce was not a common thing and viewed as very scandalous - especially for women.
Men and women had very defined role - the man went out to work to earn the money and the woman stayed at home and did housekeeping and raised the children.
People also got married very young.
So yes lots of people celebrated 50 years of marriage.

I prefer to live in this day and age, where a woman had more than being married and having children as a goal in life and would stay in an unhappy marriage purely because of how society would judge her if she got divorced.

Aibu to not agree with the above comment?

OP posts:
zwischenzug · 08/03/2013 19:20

I think most people who extoll the virtues of marriage are probably just insecure about the value of their own decision to get married and want to pressure others into conforming.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 08/03/2013 19:20

Half the time the marriages weren't joyous. People stayed with each other because they were trapped. I'd rather have a happy 10 year marriage than a 50 year marriage that I was only in because I had to be.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 08/03/2013 19:21

No YANBU OP, there must have been so many people in unhappy marriages, men and women. However, i don't see why people today won't get to see 50 years of marriage, so it is smuggery indeed. I like to think I will live to 80 and still be married to DH Smile - that would be 50 years.

BertieBotts · 08/03/2013 19:22

I'm sure there are people in "this" generation (which? There are several generations alive now!) who will be married for 50 years.

Although I agree with you definitely - I'd much rather see people free to divorce without stigma than see many long marriages, although I hope that people have long and happy marriages if that makes sense!

LunaticFringe · 08/03/2013 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep · 08/03/2013 19:31

yanbu - women did work - women have always worked - and divorce hasn't been 'scandalous' for years - my parents divorced in 1972 ...no scandal

cory · 08/03/2013 19:31

As others have said:

the fact that some people get divorced doesn't mean there aren't plenty of others who will go on to enjoy lasting marriages

the fact that life expectancy is higher means that a happy marriage has a better chance of lasting longer

and as Lunatic points out, people did not necessarily marry young in the past: many had to wait until they were in their 30s or even 40s for financial reasons

dh and I have been together 30 years and I'm not even 50- given average life expectancy in our respective families, we may well be looking at 70 years together

HollyBerryBush · 08/03/2013 19:33

Life expectancy is extended. I didn't marry until I was 27, I could expect to be married 47 years if I average life expectancy for my age at 74.

My parents married at 18 and 22, they were married 43 years.

I am in horror at my mate who also married at 19 - she's rocking on her 30th anniv now! But! but! we aren't old enough to be married 30 years, are we???? Grin

Men and women had very defined role - the man went out to work to earn the money and the woman stayed at home and did housekeeping and raised the children.

Can't think where I read it the other day, but couples who maintain traditional roles tend to be happier and stick together then those who take more modern paths. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to tell me that every married woman is subjugated.

I'd also hazard a guess that there are a lot of women out there who have to work for financial reasons rather than want to work. Big difference!

Trazzletoes · 08/03/2013 19:34

I'm glad that I'm not forced by law/society to stay in my marriage if it becomes unhappy.

Equally I fully intend to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary. Yes there's more to my life than DH and the DCs but my marriage is still a very important part of my life.

LunaticFringe · 08/03/2013 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booyhoo · 08/03/2013 19:37

i'm 26. i dont think it's absurd to think if i got married now i would live to 76 and voila! have had 50 years of marriage. although TBH, based on the majority of marriages i know very well, 50 years of that doesn't sound like something i'd want to aim for.

LunaticFringe · 08/03/2013 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChestyLeRoux · 08/03/2013 19:43

Im 29 and dh is 28 and weve been married ten years next year.I know a few people in that position and were not involved in organised religion,dont follow traditional roles etc.

SPBInDisguise · 08/03/2013 19:44

"I'd also hazard a guess that there are a lot of women out there who have to work for financial reasons rather than want to work. Big difference!"

Is the same not true of men.?

HollyBerryBush · 08/03/2013 19:46

For anyone who is interested in social history, and it comes back to 'class' again - the working class, which was far and away the largest class in society pre WW2, women always worked - it was only the boom time of the 50/60/70's where women could afford to stay at home.

But then there is also work and careers - again the two being very different.

Women have always worked, unless they have had a man to support the family or inheritance to support the unmarried woman. (Thats more impovrished gentry, true middle/merchant class).

MerylStrop · 08/03/2013 19:47

What Missy Moon said

My maternal grandparents endured 52 years of marriage. From what my mum says they pretty much hated each other from the time the children arrived. I never remember seeing them being in the same room together (and they lived in a one bedroom bungalow).

Economic necessity as much as fear of scandal kept people together.

ChestyLeRoux · 08/03/2013 19:56

My parents are the only ones from their group of friends at school not divorced.My mum said its because she always worked whereas they quit work at 20 Shock when they had children as many had no choice,whereas my mum has a good job. Once the kids had grown up they got jobs and very quickly left their dhs,as before that thry had no choice.We have a lot more choices these days luckily.

MummytoKatie · 08/03/2013 20:09

It is sad that a lot of marriages don't last these days but I think it would be worse if people were still stuck in them no matter what.

Incidentally at 33 I am a quarter of the way to my golden wedding so I think I have decent odds of making it.....

ArbitraryUsername · 08/03/2013 20:16

I find it fascinating how widespread the assumption that working women is a new thing is. No woman in my family has ever not worked. My mother worked FT. All my aunts worked. My grandmothers worked. My great grandmothers worked. It's not that unusual. None of my school friends had a SAHM either. The whole daily mail 1950s utopia seemed to miss out where I grew up entirely.

Bunbaker · 08/03/2013 20:30

"I think most people who extoll the virtues of marriage are probably just insecure about the value of their own decision to get married and want to pressure others into conforming."

Or perhaps they are genuinely happy?

You sound rather cynical.

sarahtigh · 08/03/2013 20:33

if stats are true 56-8% of married couples do not divorce so I think the average age for women to marry is about 29 to men roughly 2 years older, so if they live the average lifespan they would expect to be married on average 44 years so I think that would allow for plenty to reach 50 years

although the rate of marriage failure is 4 in 10 that still means that 6 in 10 do not fail

one set of grandparents were not really happy the other set were very happy so are my parents on 46 years and my mother was always SAHM,

success i think long term is being friends as well as lovers, similar moral values and goals in life; respecting and valuing each other and having something to say to each other apart from can you pick up milk?, did freddy have his inhaler? your turn to do swimming run, did you pay car tax?

expatinscotland · 08/03/2013 20:35

YANBU. Nostalgic BS this is.

ratbagcatbag · 08/03/2013 20:40

My lovely in laws celebrated 60 years of marriage yesterday, and it's so sad as FIL is in hospital and will be coming out to go into a home, dmil was upset by this but still loved the card from the queen.

I'm 30 and been married 4 years, DH however is 49, so it will take a massive achievement to make 50 years, let alone 60, which is sad but so long as we have a happy marriage then the milestones are just a nice to have.

That said, five people I know git married and separated within six months of the marriage. So maybe people do see it as easier to. Walk away, which I do think should be the case if they need too

Admits may have missed point of thread.

zwischenzug · 08/03/2013 20:42

Or perhaps they are genuinely happy?

Most people who are genuinely happy don't feel the need to bang on about how their lifestyle choices are superior to those of others. They just get on with being happy.

sicutlilium · 08/03/2013 20:46

Make the most of the defence of marital coercion before it's removed from the statute book.