Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to hate the fact that this man shares in all our big and special moment

22 replies

ImKindOfABigDeal · 08/03/2013 17:06

My friends boyfriend, I really loathe him and believe me I have tried to like him.

One of the first times he met me, he said a jokey yet quite nasty insult to me about my appearance. The type of joke you wouldn't say to a person you'd just met.

I had a BBQ last year and had bowls of sweets on the table (mainly for the children) he starts throwing the sweets across the table.

He kissed my friends best friend at a house party, but was forgiven for it straight away.

The times where I have been in the car with them they are constantly arguing and bickering.

He doesn't have any of his own friends, I get the impression that he dropped them whenever he had a girlfriend and they got sick of it.

I am just getting quite resentful at having to invite and share special days with someone who I cannot stand. Such as my DD Christening.

I am having my wedding on the first weekend in June this year and its going to be very small, close family and close friends. Obviously partners are invited too and that means him too.

I love my friend, and hate seeing her with someone like him but I am getting increasingly frustrated with having to include this man in special occasions.

Aibu?

OP posts:

DeepRedBetty · 08/03/2013 17:09

Yanbu, but how to lose him but keep your friend has my stumped.

DeepRedBetty · 08/03/2013 17:10

*me not my

Original poster

ImKindOfABigDeal · 08/03/2013 17:12

Yeah exactly Betty it's really sad that there just isn't a solution.

OP posts:

Adversecamber · 08/03/2013 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pippop1 · 08/03/2013 17:13

Be patient and hope that your friend won't stay with him for ever? Sometimes, seeing how a boyfriend reacts with others can make one thing again.

Original poster

ImKindOfABigDeal · 08/03/2013 17:17

I did think about that Adverse but it's like you said ... lots of people would disagree.

pippop1 I really don't think they will ever break up. I hate to say this about my friend because I do love her and shes a good friend ... but she used to sleep around a lot before she met him and those flings never went anywhere - they just weren't interested. He is the first man to show a real interest.
He has no friends, and so by losing a girlfriend too and he lives in her house ... life would be quite shit so he's not going to break up.

It's just never going to happen in my opinion.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 08/03/2013 17:17

The bloke must have something about it for your friend to like him.

This has to be a case of if you want to stay in contact with her, you have to accept him as part of the package (if they do things together all the time), it's not that important that you like him, just whether your friend does.

Do you ever get time with your friend on her own?

Could he have acted like an idiot because he was nervous?

And I'm not totally convinced you have tried to like him for very long, some of it could sound like you're a tad jealous of monopolising your friends attention (as harsh as that may sound).

Original poster

ImKindOfABigDeal · 08/03/2013 17:20

Could he have acted like an idiot because he was nervous?

Maybe the first time, but they've been together 5ish years now.

Some of it could sound like you're a tad jealous of monopolising your friends attention

No definitely not, I still see my friend as much as I ever did, usually by herself too - unless we do a whole group event.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 08/03/2013 17:30

Ahh right, five years on makes a bit of a difference, I got the impression it was a recent thing.

It's understandable that you don't like someone you dislike in the background grating on you at times when you want to remember having a nice time, but realistically what could you do? I can't see it going down very well if you mention it to her or exclude him.

I bet the more you try and ignore him the more you notice him

HildaOgden · 08/03/2013 17:32

Do your other friends dislike him as much as you do,or could you ask one of them,as a special favour,to keep him away from you as much as possible at the wedding?

Has your friend any idea how much you dislike him?

thebody · 08/03/2013 17:36

Can understand but can't see any solution. You either cut out your friend or you accept her as a package.

I don't think it's fair to not invite partners to your wedding and why upset lots of people just to stop one coming. Your friend might not come anyway if he's not invited.

Just ignore him as much as you can. Difficult one.

oldraver · 08/03/2013 17:36

Do you ever pull him up about his behaviour ?

AgentZigzag · 08/03/2013 18:03

'Do you ever pull him up about his behaviour ?'

I can imagine that's the most irritating bit about it is that most of the things the OP's said aren't things you could say something about and come away without looking as though you're being awkward.

You would if you said anything about the sweet throwing, being shitty about her appearance would be turned back round into the OP not being able to take a 'joke', and them arguing isn't something you could comment on either.

You've put up with it for five years OP, and it could be worse if they were joined at the hip and you never got to see your friend on her own at all.

seriouscakeeater · 08/03/2013 19:09

ooh tricky one...how does your DP feel about him?

BriAndLottie · 08/03/2013 19:13

I think for the sake of your friendship you're going to have to put up with him if I'm honest, but I do sympathise, it's a tricky one. The only thing I can suggest is to try to meet up with your friend as much as possible without either of your partners so it doesn't seem unreasonable to not invite this man, I know that doesn't help with special occasions though.

As other posters have said, just try and ignore when you do have to put up with him- easier said than done I know!

floweryblue · 08/03/2013 19:29

I think you should try to stop thinking about him, just forget he is around and you don't like him.

There are people in my family's 'friend set' who are always at events and who I am not fond of/not interested in/actively dislike, sometimes for reasons I can't really explain.

So when we are at things where they are too I just don't pay attention to them, I hang out with the people I like. If I'm forced into a position of talking to them, I can manage polite conversation for the sake of the people I love.

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, if your friend loves him, she loves him, and there will be reasons for this, so you'll just have to tolerate him and keep your distance as far as poss.

However small your wedding, you won't be in a position where you will have to engage in conversation with absolutely everyone there at the same time.

LessMissAbs · 08/03/2013 21:18

Just thinking the sweet-throwing thing makes him sound like quite good fun. Perhaps you share a different sense of humour?

HollyBerryBush · 08/03/2013 21:21

Sadly, being a friend means you do have to put up with your fiends BF - mind you, you can apply that to siblings partners, or Ils too!

She likes him, be happy for her. You might want to count your blessings whilst being happy for her, that you aren't lumbered with an oaf

oldraver · 08/03/2013 22:23

Agent Yes I would imagine it difficult to challenge as if he is a big a knob as he comes across I would think he would kick up a fuss and who wants to look as though they are rocking the boat at important dates. Knobs know this as well and usually go for the "I was only having fuuuun"

Sweet throwing is not fun in anyone above 2 years old that doesnt know any better

LemonPeculiarJones · 08/03/2013 22:29

I think you could say to her that you find her bf really difficult and don't want him at your wedding, but you'd love her to come.

Then expect the fall-out.

You never know, she might accept those terms. She's probably well aware others think he's a dick. She obviously has low self-esteem to have clung onto this loser.

But the friendship might be fucked because of it

I just think I couldn't accept having a prick who offends and annoys me at my small intimate wedding.

OkayHazel · 09/03/2013 00:54

I think biting your tongue for the sake of the friendship is wise here. Wise, but difficult. I feel your pain OP :(

OutragedFromLeeds · 09/03/2013 00:59

Have you posted about him before? Or is there another mumsnetter with a sweet-throwing, friend's boyfriend BBQ guest?!

Flip