To wonder how the hell parents coped with SN 50 years ago?

[slatternlymother]

It is heartbreaking reading about it now. Sometimes I read thread and feel so angry on the OP's behalf.

But (and this isn't an 'oooh, think how much worse it could be!' thread), it got me to thinking how hard it must've been to have a child with say, ASD or ADHD back in the 60's.

How people must've judged! And those poor children must've been really misunderstood. I bet some of them really took a hiding for their meltdowns over things

Does anyone know anyone who parented a child with SN years ago? Or were they a child with SN?

I'd be really interested to know how things have come along. I like to think that people are better educated now. If I see a child having a meltdown, I certainly don't judge.

I think this really stems from a comment from my Dad's aunt who, years ago said 'of course, you've got all these new fangled disorders coming out of the woodwork now, it's all an excuse for badly behaved little beasts...' I have 2 cousins with ASD It's always stuck with me. That attitude must've been really rife 50 years ago.

Sorry for double post - phone playing up.

I studied this as part of my degree. Children/young adults with sn were put into institutions and most never saw their family's. the way they were treated was appalling

No offense taken devient, just reflecting that the choices parents in that position have to take are dreadful

owllady completely agree with you.

Think its fab that foster carers 'take on' sn children, well done to them, but what about us parents?

Eg-with home ed, as sn schools couldnt meet DCs needs, I pay for all books/resources, out of my carers/income support money, not a lot, but not a penny of help from the Gov, who are saving up to £19,000 a year on her education.

and btw DC had some exclusions at school, due to meltdowns, NOT bad behaviour, and this is at a sn school. I was furious with them.

nellyjelly your story's made me cry. You all have, really.

Thank god attitudes and facilities have changed for the better!
My mum's brother has special needs and we think he has undiagnosed ASD with learning disabilities. He was born in the 1950s and has had a difficult life.
After being told of what he had to endure, it is unimaginable how awful things were.

I don't really know much yet RE individual budgets but could you get one marj?

DS is also out as SS doesn't meet his needs, however the LA provide a tutor for 9 hours per week.

Tell them you are not electively doing this, it's their failure (if you feel up to it)

Thanx a lot deveient, didnt know about that. ill def look into it. My partnership with parents person is quite good, Ill ask her if she can help with that, as SW is NOT doing much...actually nothing at all.

I was told I wouldnt get financial help as I CHOSE to HE, but Ive said I HAD to end up HE as the Gov couldnt find an appropriate school. anyway, will purue this.

I love Mumsnet, we can all empathise and support each other. for everyone here.

SW won't do anything RE education, they are there socially iyswim

When DS was 1st signed off school it was with school refusal and social phobia, education were saying SS pay for help as it's 'social' phobia and SS were no you pay as it 'school' phobia, I basically called a meeting and said either way it can't go on, what happened to joined up care.

Which I do know the new individual budgets encompass, health, social and education. Sounds good in theory.

The leaving the baby in hospital is real. Actually it must have been in 1994 because I was pregnant and my MIL (actually really nice) first words to my husband who dutifully reported back to me were 'there's downs in the family. Tell her to get tested'. This made me panic a bit and mt boss told me about the neucal (sp?) fold screening that then could only be done at Kings and this about someone senior who worked at our company. As it was flyingboy does have disabilities though not Downs. Actually, the lady with downs in husband's extended family (cousins twice removed) was lovely, lived to a good age, was very able, and her parents were wonderful and must have gone through so much prejudice yet quitely bought up a wonderful woman. They went to all the family functions. I wish I could tell them now how much I admire them but I think they are all dead now.

The horror of the baby in the drawer has stayed with me. She took her baby out. How many women didn't? It gives me the willies every time I think of it. Are people looking at my gorgeous son thinking awful, Daily Mail things?

yet in 2201, all my tests came back low risk, nothing picked up in scans etc and DS born with DS, mind tbh DS was queried after they found the heart condition.

oops, I haven't even had the baby yet...........2001

My dad was born "normal" then contracted tb meningitus when he was 5. This left him paralysed/spastic (official diagnosis - not my words) down the left hand side of his body.
My nan and grandad fought for him, spent loads of money getting physiotherapy (in it's infancy in the 50s), private doctors and even had a spiritual healer attempt to heal him. (With some success as well!).
Then he went to a boarding school in sussex. It was a bit radical becasuse it wanted to teach disabled kids "a skill for life". Apparently they did a load of wood work, printing as well as reading/writing. Apparently they did a lot of wandering about the common, nicking apples and generally being kids. He looks back with fondness on his school days, and reckons it gave him his independance.
If he stayed at home he wouldn't of been independant as he is now.
My nan and grandad had to do a lot of chasing/defending for my dad. There were also stories about neigh ours letting his brothers watch tv at their place but not him "because they might catch something". They also told my nan to burn all his clothes and bedding.

I don't know about 50 years ago, but one of my cousins in 45 and autistic. Or maybe severe aspergers. I dont know because he was never diagnosed in those days.He was brought up by my uncle, a lone parent, and there just wasn't any help. He was considered "weird" and "extremely shy" and sometimes "unsocialised".
However, he was/is a maths genius and now has a very good job in computing, and his own house. I think he is pretty happy these days.

My Great-Uncle had undiagnosed SN; my Nan remembers him from growing up in the 1920s & 1930s.

He was known as 'odd' & didn't talk or have friends & relationships.

But he was accepted by the family & drove a delivery van for the family business.
He could play certain musical instruments note perfect - without ever learning to read music.

Because of fear? Because of not knowing? Because of thinking others with more experience would care better for the child you've barely got to know? Because the doctors (qnd many accept them as all knowing) are telling you that your child will not survive for long and that is something you do not want to be a part of?

I can't speak for those parents who walk away, but I can say unless you've walked in someones shoes its hard, sometimes impossible to comprehend their decision

I think it depends on what the disability etc was. Autistic children where most likely institutionalised due to the idea of cold mother syndrome. Many children with mild LDs where probably either supported by wider family and community and care for well or if not from such a community may have just got on well at a special school. many children with behaviour problems would hve lacked lots of support, been cast off as bad and probably ended up being treated for MH problems or ended up in prison. Children with sever physical disabilities and complicated health problems would simply not have thrived. Many children with phalidimide where also institutionalised.

My aunt had downsyndrom born around 50 years ago and my GM was advices to take her home and think about putting her away, as she would never walk talk or do anything for herself. my GM didn't she put in a lot of work on her own and with the help of her other daughters getting my aunt to meet her milestones just as many parents would now do.

I overheard a loud stupid woman on the Metro last year, proclaiming that she 'din't want my kid catching retarded' - because there was a child with SN in her dd's nursery.

Stupid, nasty prejudice alive and well in this day and age.

I want to offer some more positive examples of how people treated SN people in the past. Not everyone rejected those children/adults and not everyone had brutal, ignorant ideas about them either (sorry, will be long):

1. My great-grandparents ran a fruit and veg shop, which had some rooms above it. They only employed young people and adults with special needs/physical disabilities. They believed that everyone was equal and with the right support and tenderness, they could have pride in working and making a contributiojnto society. They couldn't pay them much, but they lived rent-free in those spare rooms and my great-grandmother cooked for them.

My G-grandfather was a prolific diary-keeper, and having read a lot of the entries about his staff, I think I can confidentally identify men with ASD, cerebral palsy, Down's, and others. This was between 1910-1935ish.

By coincidence, my Gran, their daughter, fell in love with a man who had been disabled by polio as a child. Unlike his own parents, who had shunned him for bringing shame on their family, and being treated like shit by much of society, they welcomed him into their family with open arms. And, well, here I am, as a result!

2. My DP had an Uncle with Down's Syndrome. His Gran married a widower with a child and their first child together had DS. She was 23, which puts paid to the notion that Ds only occurs in older mothers. The nurses and doctors asked her if she wanted them to 'take him away and sort everything out for her' - the inference being that they'd quietly kill him. They were awful to her for refusing to have him taken from her and put into a home and told her not to 'waste' her milk on him by BFing (in the end she couldn't BF, as he had problems with suckling and tongue issues).

She took him home and loved him and raised him like she would have if he had born without it. It was only an issue for other people, not for her. People were awful to him, to her, her DH and family; when they were, she cut them out of their life. She tried to get every therapy going for him, which wasn't much (he was born in 1947). The local school wouldn't take him, she fought them, won and he went. He had a part-time job in a local shop until his heart weakened in his late forties, he was famous in his village for always fronting the local summer parade and he won loads of showjumping competitions (Princess Anne sent a personal message of condolence when he died). When he died at 51, the church was standing room only and the service ended with most in tears of joy as well as sadness as the Dr Who theme tune rang out. My DP is very shy, but his Uncle was one of the few people who could bring him out of his shell.

Incidentally, she had TEN other children after he was born (Catholics, innit). That's one strong mama! Five of them went on to be SN teachers/therapists.

PS I hope my post isn't taken as me having some sort of rose-tinted idea that people were actually nice to the disabled in the past. I could fill this whole thread up just with the shit that my aforementioned disabled grandad suffered as a child

Scorpette - how fascinating - the diary sounds amazing. My grandmother sounds similar. She used to work in a cafe at the bus station & was always bringing home waifs and strays who she would give a bath, meal and bed for the night to.

She died when ds1 was young (and developed dementia around the time of his dx) which I often think was a shame as I know she would have been fiercely protective of him. I often think of her when I have to advocate for him in some way, and think how strong she would have been.

I am awaiting a dx for Aspergers (which seems a dead cert), and when I mentioned this to an EYFS at a bf group I attend, her reaction was "Yes, I thought you must have had an abusive childhood". WTF? And she is a professional! So if DD grows up to be like me, which is very likely, she will assume I have been abusive.

BTW, I didn't have an abusive childhood. I had a pretty good one, I just have a brain that is wired differently, as do a large proportion of my family. We always joked as kids that most of the family sounded and acted like Mr Bean....