To wonder how the hell parents coped with SN 50 years ago?

[slatternlymother]

It is heartbreaking reading about it now. Sometimes I read thread and feel so angry on the OP's behalf.

But (and this isn't an 'oooh, think how much worse it could be!' thread), it got me to thinking how hard it must've been to have a child with say, ASD or ADHD back in the 60's.

How people must've judged! And those poor children must've been really misunderstood. I bet some of them really took a hiding for their meltdowns over things

Does anyone know anyone who parented a child with SN years ago? Or were they a child with SN?

I'd be really interested to know how things have come along. I like to think that people are better educated now. If I see a child having a meltdown, I certainly don't judge.

I think this really stems from a comment from my Dad's aunt who, years ago said 'of course, you've got all these new fangled disorders coming out of the woodwork now, it's all an excuse for badly behaved little beasts...' I have 2 cousins with ASD It's always stuck with me. That attitude must've been really rife 50 years ago.

[devientenigma]

DH (44) went through special school, he says no one bothered with them and no one asked them to do anything. Which is why I suppose he fights for our DS's who are in SS to not just be 'left'.

[devientenigma]

dayshift that is, was and is. My DS is also been failed by the system. He has down syndrome, autism, pathological demand avoidance syndrome, heart condition etc etc and has been out of his special school for over 3 year, left at home with not much support.

[Flappingandflying]

My grandmother tld me about someone in their town who gave birth to a baby with obvious special needs. This proably would have been in the 1920s or 30s. It was a home birth. The doctor told her to open the big drawer in the bottom of her wardrobe and put him in it, shut it and not open it again for three days. She did but as granny said, 'she couldn't stand the crying so opened it and itook him out' and then obviously had him to look after for the rest of his life which the good woman did. It was very much perceived as a huge burden and her stupidity for not letting it die. I can't tell you how much this shocked me and I can't even think about how awful the Dr was but of course to him he was doing the right thing. Attitudes to disability are changing thankfully but there is still a horrible attitude out there amongst some and still bullying happening with not enough support for carers.

Even in the early 90s, my boss knew a couple who just left their Child with Downs at the hospital (private). This was given to then as an option by the hospital.

[slatternlymother]

flapping in the 90's?! Please tell me that's an exaggeration

[Owllady]

my god at thatv drawer story?
was that common?

[devientenigma]

it more or less still is Flapping I had my DS born with DS in 2001. They were stunned I kept him. I have a niece with DS also so needed to know if my babay was to be DS and I was told if he was they would assume I was aborting.

[slatternlymother]

By the sounds of this; maybe the population isn't expanding that much; maybe we're just not rejecting 'less than perfect' human beings and leaving them to rot in institutions; we're taking responsibility for them now

These stories are unbelievable. I thought I was relatively clued up about this stuff but I am so not

[slatternlymother]

YY that drawer story is fucking horrific

I doubt any mother in the world could do that.

[devientenigma]

That still happens 1944. My sons open heart surgery was cancelled 3 times due to someone else more worthy of life needing the space.

[VikingLady]

FIL was a paediatrician, trained in the early 1950s. He said if a baby was born with obvious Downs Syndrome, it was not unknown for them to be left to die - just put in a cot and not fed.

He is glad things have changed!

[devientenigma]

I wonder how many mothers wanted to keep their kids regardless but felt they had to do as expected and have since regretted it?

[slatternlymother]

devient I also wonder how many mothers today feel that they've been abandoned. I don't know what the answer is, but I know that if I had a very disabled child, then I would have needed a LOT of help. I'm not sure I would have managed tbh, and I don't think parents should be made to feel guilty for saying 'I can't do this, it's too hard'. Does that make sense?

I don't think kids should be institutionalised of course; the idea repulses me. But the idea that your life is consumed by taking care of a severely disabled child, you can't afford to work, and have very little help? That is awful too. I'd hate to think of anyone in that situation. It must be impossible.

[Owllady]

I know someone who had a boy with down syndrome in the 80s and she said when she went to the support group she was the only mum there that wasn't an adoptive mum

It is still fair to say though that there is a higher percentage of children with severe and complex needs who are given up for adoption fostering but of course there are also cases of families who can no longer cope and children who require a more residential setting also

[treedelivery]

My uncle was born in the 50's in Ireland. He has undiagnosed SN, I'd guess autism but complicated by a life in and out of institutions, (medical) drugs and these things caused.

He was left handed, so they tied it around his back and beat him with sticks until he learnt to write with his right.

He was beaten for rocking and tied up, also denied food. By beaten, I mean tied up and hit with sticks, clubs and whips. In a home where people were employed to do tha, in the 60's and early 70's. He still talks of it sometimes.

This was in Ireland, so in hopes of helping him the family moved here. Society got a bit less violent towards people with SN, drugs were used instead of violence. I remember him in the 80's (when I was primary school age), totally dazed and foggy and then swing to violent outbursts. Again he would be tied up and tied down, but I don't think actually hit.

Now, he lives in supported accomodation. He can use public transport and has a supported job in manufacturing, a bank account and as much independance as he feels comfortable with. He goes on holidays abroad and has friends.

His care (care provided by the state that is) has totally changed. Thank God.

[slatternlymother]

Can I also just say that I'm not suggesting looking after a severely SN child is awful; I'm just suggesting that it must be massively distressing, and no one plans when they're pregnant to have a child with SN. I'd not have the first clue how to do it; it would terrify me. Reading the SN boards on here; I cannot believe the extent to which families are left 'to it'. Horrific.

Institutionalising children is not the answer; but neither is leaving SN families with barely any help.

[devientenigma]

it feels impossible, but internet makes it a bit better, online shopping, cybermates, online games, it's my lifeline.

Due to my sons needs we do lead a very isolating life and tbh I will be glad when we start to 'get it right' for him, for me to maybe have a break.

Though said earlier, I worry immensely that his heart condition does it's worse.

[slatternlymother]

owl do people still 'give up' their DC to the state for adoption when they have complex care needs? I'm not judging btw, I just genuinely didnt know you could do that?

[devientenigma]

yes they do still give up, I know loads of foster parents who only take on sn

[slatternlymother]

devient I'm welling up here and I'm nails and everything. Bloody hell. Can I be nosey and ask you about his needs? I ask with a wish to educate myself better about other people's lives, not to be a twat btw.

[slatternlymother]

Gosh. I did not know that.

[treedelivery]

Apologies x posted over everyone!

[slatternlymother]

tree Christ, that's awful. Was it along the same lines as the Magdeline Laundries?

[devientenigma]

slattern ask away, I don't mind, in fact come and spend the day

[Owllady]

yes people still do it and yes you can still do that, I presume you can with 'normal' children too but you would face prosecution iirc

generally the state not only pays a wage to foster carers but they also generally* provide them with more respite opportunities too, whilst parents generally have to fight and fight for whatever services they can get and I find that wrong

*not in all cases, just in my experience