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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dp should sit and chat to his parents?

49 replies

familyfun · 05/03/2013 14:03

dps parents visit us once a week for an hour. dp will often be late back from work so just be sitting down for his dinner when they arrive, so i sort their drinks etc and they watch the kids play a bit while he eats his dinner and obviously i chat with them.
but then, he will wander upstairs to fetch something, go to the loo, make a phonecall while hes up there or answer an unimportant phonecall and im left downstairs with his parents and the kids.
they will often say wheres dp gone now Blush and i think he finds them hard work so hides a bit. he says hes just back from work, rushed his dinner so just carries on as normal.
aibu to think he should ,make the effort to sit and chat/listen to them for an hour.
i often know more about their plans/illnesses than him.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 05/03/2013 14:06

Bloody hell how rude of him and them! If it is inconvenient timing, which it really sounds like it is, he needs to chat with them suggesting a different time (they really should have picked up on this though!) and he needs to entertain them, they're his parents after all.

Flyonthewindscreen · 05/03/2013 14:09

YANBU, if your DP's parents only come over for 1 hour a week and part of that time he is eating his dinner, not unreasonable for him to spend the other 45 minutes or whatever chatting to them. I would not fancy having visitors that arrive just as I get home from work and want to eat my dinner in peace every week tho' - why don't you ask them to pop round at the weekend instead?

Original poster
familyfun · 05/03/2013 14:10

he invites them at that time, thats the worst thing.
kids go in bath at 6.30 so he invites tham at 5.30.
he says their his parents so he doesnt need to act different round them so if the phone goes he will answer and have a chat, but if i wasnt there they would be left sitting on the sofa like lemons and they arent able to look after the kids so if i wasnt there he would have to stay with them.
i feel sorry for them making the effort to visit and he doesnt talk to them.

OP posts:
Flyonthewindscreen · 05/03/2013 14:13

Sounds like he invites them at that time, knowing that he may be late back, then will have to eat dinner and is generally busy, so he doesn't have to interact with his parents particularly?

Original poster
familyfun · 05/03/2013 14:13

dp works saturdays so we only have sundays as a family, we go to church in the morning which they wont came to and we try and go out on the afternoon swimming or park or soft play, and let dd2 have a nap, none of which they can do with us so theres only evenings left.
my dad visits in the day, just me and dd2 normally.
my mom visits late afternoon and fetches dd1 for me and stays till teatime but dp at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
familyfun · 05/03/2013 14:15

they are hard work, they bicker all the time, shout over each other, tut and moan at each other, are quite deaf so cant hear the kids talking to them and arent able to watch the kids while i make the tea etc so its stressful but its stressful for me trying to keep the kids safe and chat to them.

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2rebecca · 05/03/2013 14:16

I would be angry at this and tell him that I am not his maid that he can get to chat and entertain his family because he can't be bothered to do it. I'd never do this with my relatives.
He has to decide whether he entertains his parents personally then or whether he gets them to come at another time. I would tell him that in future his parents visiting time is a good time for you to get on with other stuff. Tell him you don't do that to him.
He is treating you very badly.

wineandroses · 05/03/2013 14:17

He's very rude. They are his guests, as well as his parents and he should show them some courtesy. He is also lazy - expecting you to entertain them.

I would suggest to them that they come at the weekend, and they should arrange the time with their son, so that he is available to see them.

Flyonthewindscreen · 05/03/2013 14:18

Well then, it is less than 1 hour a week, he should sit down and chat himself. Only acceptable to carry on with your own stuff in the case of family that are around a lot.

Original poster
familyfun · 05/03/2013 14:19

actually i have some wrapping to do and may save it for their visit this week and as soon as his dinner is eaten il go upstairs and wrap and he will have to stay there then. then il seem as rude as him though and i dont want that. as a one off it may teach him that he should want to talk to his parents and they are there to see him aswell as the kids.

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/03/2013 14:22

That's really rude of him. But don't play games with doing the wrapping - you need to talk to him. Because after all, it's hardly his parents' fault he's treating them like this.

It's as if he's delegating the responsibility to be sociable with his own parents to you - very odd and rude.

TBH I'd go nuts if I saw my parents once a week but if he's inviting them, he should talk to them - or he should invite them round less often.

Catchingmockingbirds · 05/03/2013 14:24

You should pop out to the shops for an hour next Sunday, coincidently when his parents are there so he'll have to talk to them. It's quite strange that he invites them at that time every week even though it's inconvenient for him.

Original poster
familyfun · 05/03/2013 14:25

i see my mom and dad separately once a week so it seems normal to invite them weekly. yes im just going to mention before they arrive that they want to see him and he should be a bit nicer to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
familyfun · 05/03/2013 14:25

there really isnt another time, they cant come later as the kids are in bed so they wouldnt see them and theyb talk that loud that they wake them up again.

OP posts:
poshfrock · 05/03/2013 14:31

Why does he have his dinner so early ? Can't he wait until they've gone ? If they come for an hour between 5.30 and 6.30pm surely he can have dinner at 7/7.30pm so he can spend time with them ? Dinner before 7pm seems incredibly early for anyone over the age of 11.

Original poster
familyfun · 05/03/2013 14:33

i eat at 5 with kids Blush
he has waited sometimes but is noramlly starving.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 05/03/2013 14:41

poshfrock If someone has an incredibly physical job or has been up at the crack of dawn, 5 o'clock may just be the right time for them to eat.

DontmindifIdo · 05/03/2013 14:54

OP - you need to tell him it's got to stop. So he has one last chance, either when they arrive this week he entertains them and stays talking to them (if need be, eating his meal later after they've gone or eating quickly then joining them for the entire rest of their visit) or next week when they arrive you'll say "oh, sorry, I've got to pop out" and leave them for the hour, or he has to stop inviting them over.

Ask him why he thinks it's your job to entertain them.

Yfronts · 05/03/2013 15:00

Very rude of him. Redirect him to his parents.

Can you unplug or hide the phone while they are with you?

whiteflame · 05/03/2013 15:06

Depends on the rest of his schedule doens't it poshfrock. I eat at 6 pm, because I am in bed by 8 and up at 4 am.

It is very rude of him.

StuntGirl · 05/03/2013 15:26

He is being rude and inconsiderate. Mostly because it sounds like you've actually raised this with him and he's gone "Meh. I don't care".

You're not there to entertain his parents while he spends the whole hour every week pottering out of sight. The occasional phone call or task to do I could understand, but every single week sounds like avoidance to me.

I would tell him if he wants his parents to visit he has to be present for the bloomin' visit like you have to be, and it would be non-negotiable. If he is not willing to do it then I would cancel the visits.

DPotter · 05/03/2013 16:50

Why do you it with them whilst he eats his dinner ? are you sitting in different rooms ? Why can't Dh & his parents eat together ? I totally agree that he should engage with them, but there really is something about husbands / partners passing on their filial duties to wives / partners who then enable. Maybe if you left the parents sitting on the sofa like lemons they would tackle him directly themselves. I realise this seems rude. Alternatively you need to invite them at another time to suit you - after all you are the one chatting and entertaining them. Cut DH out of the arranging but arrange it so he's there.

Yfronts · 05/03/2013 18:48

Can you tell him he is in charge and pop out for a bit to let him get one with it.

LindyHemming · 05/03/2013 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 05/03/2013 19:18

Make a light tea and brews and set them down with dh while he eats.

Save the dc pudding for then and they can all sit together with dh while you pop up to the bath.

Or dh can leave his dinner till after they leave.