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AIBU?

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Original poster

Competative childbirth

229 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 04/03/2013 18:47

All my births have been horrendous, back to back and lots of things went wrong. I won't bore you with the details and it's all a long time ago now. I'm over it now, apart from the permanent physical damage that was a side effect. :(
Friend has just had her 1st baby and it all went perfectly and according to plan, all great and I'm so happy for her.

Apart from she has been keen to tell me that if I had done X,Y and Z then I also could have had a perfect birth too. I don't think it's as easy as that, everyone is different and each birth is different. Just because all that worked for her doesn't mean it would have helped at all in my circumstances...

I'm glad she had a good birth but I don't want to feel like my traumatic births were my fault because I didn't do my homework or watch the right DVDs...
Birth is only the start of parenthood, it's not that important, why do some people want to make such a big deal of it?

Am I being a jealous cow? AIBU to feel sad about this?

OP posts:
thebody · 11/03/2013 22:05

It is luck.

Out if my 4 births range from forceps, stitches etc to one being so relatively painless I have had worse period pain.

She's a stupid smug cow whose on an after birth high but that's no excuse to be so tactless.

Lets see how she does teething, weaning, sleeping etc op. pride before a fall my dear.

AmberSocks · 11/03/2013 22:06

i have to disagree,i am training to be a midwife and any honest midwife will tell you that most traumatic births stem from unnecessary intervention-yes it may be further intervention that saves lives,but it stems from intervention in the first place.

chance to me is the same as luck,deserving something doesnt come into it,a tree falls,someone is under it,someone else isnt,thats that,its just the way things are!!!

Chunderella · 11/03/2013 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McNewPants2013 · 11/03/2013 22:20

I do belive it is down to luck.

any honest midwife will tell you that most traumatic births stem from unnecessary intervention

so why are the MW doing unnecessary intervention in the first place. If i was training to be a MW and a Trained MW said that to me i would want to know the reason behind the unnecessary intervention

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 22:26

I was going to ask that- why on earth would a trained midwife be doing an unnecessary intervention? People will act as if the professional is setting out to be difficult! I didn't plan any of mine- they were perfectly nice and straight forward- they didn't need intervention, they didn't have any intervention- I can't see why anyone would even suggest it, never mind do it.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 22:28

I also wouldn't have had a birth plan insulting the midwife by saying that I didn't want unnecessary intervention - I would assume they were intelligent enough to know the meaning of unnecessary!

thebody · 11/03/2013 22:33

Yeah don't understand that either.

My ds got stuck all by himself cord around the neck. No intervention caused that.

If he hadn't been pulled out by forceps he would have been starved of oxygen and died.

Thank god for intervention.

BearFrills · 11/03/2013 22:38

I don't think any responsible medical professional would ever make an arbitrary decision about carrying out unnecessary intervention. How would they decide!? "Oh it's a slow day, let's spice it up a bit with a few keillands deliveries"!?

Bullshit.

Three days after my section when I was on a hormone/morphine comedown and I irrationally cried because I was too sore and tired to get off the sofa to make the MW a cup of tea she told me it's just the way things go, it's all a bit of a gamble and you were unlucky to go through the mill like that but you got a lovely baby out of it.

Was she lying then?

Dozer · 11/03/2013 22:38

I have a friend who often refers proudly to her good (pool) birth and her "birthing idols" ( women who have had quick, natural homebirths).

It pisses me off! I had two emcs.

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 22:38

Are you sure we are not arguing about semantics here re luck?

The op above whose baby turned at the last minute. Why? It could have been tragic, thankfully it wasn't but why did her baby turn thus necessitating intervention, yet my baby didn't. Why two outcomes to two straightforward pregnancies? Nobody knows , therefore we refer to it as chance or 'luck'.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 22:40

I would love to have Amber's evidence. I would have thought that questions would have been raised if the most traumatic births stemmed from unnecessary intervention. I know many people who have had traumatic births but it was nothing to do with unnecessary intervention and the person owes their life and that of the baby to the necessary intervention
My experience of life doesn't match up to this idea that if you plan carefully for your 'perfect' birth and find the 'right' midwife all will be well. .

chickenyhead · 11/03/2013 22:43

I would tell her she is being very naive and inconsiderate. She was lucky in the birth lottery and for that she should be grateful not smug, HOW RUDE!!!

Two horrific births down myself I must say both of mine were more complicated than they had to be thanks to the wonderful midwifery staff failing to undertake basic procedural checks such as the position of the baby etc, a scan perhaps could have saved me 6 hours pushing a 10lb baby out forehead first with forceps which made me incontinent for 6 months post birth.

Every woman is different and NOBODY (Midwife, obstetrician or friend) can judge unless you were in those exact same shoes.

Ppppfffffttttttttt.......people ggggrrrrr lol

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 22:44

I'm guessing what Amber means regarding 'unnecessary intervention' is an intervention which she personally felt wasn't necessary, despite insistence from docs and patient. Example being an epidural?

BearFrills · 11/03/2013 22:45

Exactly Thingiebob. And why, when my body obviously already knew what to do having delivered DS 'naturally', did it so spectacularly cock-up second time around? There's no discernible reason so again it can be attributed to chance/luck.

Nature is non-linear, it'll always throw you a curve ball when you least expect it.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 22:46

But no one will give you an epidural if you don't want one- I wouldn't have had one. I didn't need to write it down I would have just said so.

BearFrills · 11/03/2013 22:49

I think she meant (and correct me if I'm wrong) that the patient and the doctor agreed an epidural but they're possibly one of the things Amber considers to be unnecessary interventions?

BearFrills · 11/03/2013 22:50

So even though the patient wanted it, doctor agreed it, and an epidural was given it was an unnecessary intervention which led to further interventions.

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 22:50

Exotic I meant more that midwives can have their own agenda. So a patient may want an epidural, get one, but their midwife feel it is an unnecessary intervention.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 22:50

Maybe the patient didn't view it as unnecessary.

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 22:51

X-posted with Bear! Exactly what I meant.

chickenyhead · 11/03/2013 22:53

The need for an epidural is entirely dependant upon the pain surely? A person not in that pain cannot possible impose their views with anything other than a total lack of empathy or respect.

Epidurals are not bad. They are sometimes absolutely necessary.
I didnt get one in my first birth but ended up with a spinal for the 4 hour repair operation following ventouse and forced stirrups.

Every womans needs are different and I have yet to meet a midwife who fully understands this.

RedToothBrush · 11/03/2013 22:54

Jesus christ. I'd hate to have a midwife who said things like

its not just luck,there is no such thing as luck.

because if there is no such thing as luck, then by alternative logic someone is to blame each and every time intervention is needed.

a) Is that person the mother for doing something wrong? Didn't she try hard enough, didn't she use the right position or was she just weak?
b) Or is that the midwife who misses something, doesn't encourage the mother the right way or doesn't trust nature enough?
c) Or is it the big bad obstetrician who ignores the wise old midwife and mother and comes in to butcher the mother for no logical reason other than the fact that they have had a rather boring morning so far?

if the midwife thinks its
a) she's insensitive (at best)
b) she deserves to get her arse sued off when she gets it wrong and the mother ends up with intervention because she's failed to do her job properly
c) she needs to retrain in a different profession since she's clearly incapable of working in a team as she's got a stinking attitude to obstetricians

Which ever way you cut it, a midwife who thinks theres no such thing as luck, really is in the wrong job.

whiteandyellowiris · 11/03/2013 22:57

yanbu some people really are smug twats

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 22:57

An epidural is just an example of an intervention that could be deemed unnecessary and can often lead onto other interventions.

I had a midwife who felt that all pain relief was unnecessary and was terribly rude about me asking for paracetamol and using gas and air. She had no problem airing her views!

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 23:01

Agree with Redtoothbrush.

All midwives need to be prepared for stuff to suddenly, for no obvious reason, just happen. There are countless eventualities in a birth for which there is often no discernible reason evident at the time. This what we mean by 'chance' or 'luck'.

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