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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Competative childbirth

229 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 04/03/2013 18:47

All my births have been horrendous, back to back and lots of things went wrong. I won't bore you with the details and it's all a long time ago now. I'm over it now, apart from the permanent physical damage that was a side effect. :(
Friend has just had her 1st baby and it all went perfectly and according to plan, all great and I'm so happy for her.

Apart from she has been keen to tell me that if I had done X,Y and Z then I also could have had a perfect birth too. I don't think it's as easy as that, everyone is different and each birth is different. Just because all that worked for her doesn't mean it would have helped at all in my circumstances...

I'm glad she had a good birth but I don't want to feel like my traumatic births were my fault because I didn't do my homework or watch the right DVDs...
Birth is only the start of parenthood, it's not that important, why do some people want to make such a big deal of it?

Am I being a jealous cow? AIBU to feel sad about this?

OP posts:

minkembra · 05/03/2013 16:27

YANBU. ignore.

tell you what though. in my notes they wrote forceps delivery due to lack of maternal effort.
I found it offensively judgy

cos that is right , I was just thought what the heck I can't be bothered. got this far but you know what i'll just give up. had nothing to do with the fact that I had had an epidural (at doctors advice twin birth) so big I couldn't feel anything below my nipples.

they should stop writing that phrase in notes. it is anti-feminist. what hope have we got if the midwives are still putting things like that down.

I am sure there must be a better way to put it.

AmandaPayne · 05/03/2013 16:34

The whole language of birth is decidedly anti feminist minkembra. Failure to progress (ah yes, because the mother failed), your comment about maternal effort, 'elective' sections (yes, I know doctors see 'elective' surgery as a perfectly self-explanatory and accurate term for it, but to the rest of us it often doesn't feel very elective)...

BuxtonBlueCat · 05/03/2013 17:16

YA definitely NBU. AIBU to hate women who have a baby, then think they're a one-woman baby-having bible? Absolute know-alls because they've had one? Urgh.

exoticfruits · 05/03/2013 18:04

I went to classes, chose the hospital - visited beforehand and asked questions. Once I had done that I left it to the professionals, they are the ones with the experience- not me. I didn't get let down by it.

mrsbugsywugsy · 05/03/2013 18:56

sometimes you don't get to choose where you give birth - I was transferred to a hospital in a different town because my local one was full.

exoticfruits · 05/03/2013 19:01

Exactly- things often don't go according to plan- you adjust.

exoticfruits · 05/03/2013 19:03

If you treat the staff as the enemy it isn't going to turn out well! I can't see why you would assume that they want you to have a poor experience unless you write it all down.

MrsDeVere · 05/03/2013 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 05/03/2013 19:19

Apart from the fact that the sort of birth you had, how you found bfeeding etc doesn't make you a better parent. I'm pleased that my mother had a good birth but ,by the time you find out about it, it is unimportant. It is the next 18+ years that matter.

Mama1980 · 05/03/2013 19:28

I hate this sort of thing. I have had two babies both massively pre term (24 and 26 weeks) deliveries by crash c section followed by extensive surgery. My brothers ex fiancé once told me my first was perhaps because I wasn't married and settled so the baby could sense this-I was in a car crash! I kid you not....
This sort of thing tends to wash over me completely health is what counts.
It's not a competition healthy baby s are the only aim after all

Zara1984 · 05/03/2013 19:56

mama I think I know why that woman was your brother's EX fiancé....!

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 05/03/2013 22:23

That's exactly right, it's not as if children are going to be bothered if their Mum had a perfect waterbirth or a crash section, why would it matter to the baby or child as they grow up?

In fact I think it's a selfish thing to go on about. As long as the baby is born safely, that's all that counts in the long run for them.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 05/03/2013 22:27

I read a blog where the mother wrote about her entire birth experience on her DD's 15th birthday and felt very sorry for the DD thinking of the sheer embarrassment of who might see it! You would think she had moved on, especially since she got the birth she wanted. The only time you might be curious is when you have your own child and then in private- not on a public blog.

midastouch · 05/03/2013 22:55

YANBU ignore her, ive had 2 births first was horendous and both were very long (37 and 29 hours) i had peopel telling me about there 2 hour labours there wonderful water births with no pain relief, bla bla bla.... its just irritating, everyone is different.

DonderandBlitzen · 05/03/2013 22:58

YANBU. Smug birthers are yawnsome

bumperella · 05/03/2013 23:05

I signed up for a home birth. I ended up with an elective CS under general anaesthetic. It astounds me how many women seem to think that "elective CS" means I had more choice in the matter than someone who has to have an emergency CS. Both are medically necessary and likely the only survivable option in some cases (eg mine).
What people say froma position of profound and total ignorance is best ignored, or corrected if you can be arsed.

FryOneFatManic · 06/03/2013 10:21

bumperella I agree with you about how people see "elective". I had an elective CS, due to pre-eclampsia developing at 38 weeks. It's amazing how some people thought it meant I chose to have a CS, when I only had one for medical reasons. It wasn't what I wanted, but hey just glad DD was born okay.

Writehand · 06/03/2013 11:03

Both my deliveries were horrific, but my babies were well & that's all that matters. Because my experiences were so awful I don't talk about them much. I don't want to scare other people.

I also got hassle from natural childbirth bitches post-partum. My NCT teacher said "You don't need to feel like a failure." I was sooo frosty. I had every intervention known (failed forceps, failed ventouse, failed epidural, emergency C-section) but my baby was alive & well, which in my book is success.

I know it's chance, largely -- but I do like hearing what it's like when everything goes the way you hope. But boasting about having a wonderful time in childbirth is like boasting about falling in love or conceiving. It's a lovely thing to happen but it's not something the individual can really control.

"..she has been keen to tell me that if I had done X,Y and Z then I also could have had a perfect birth too."

That's just stupid. No it's not just stupid, it's mean. I hate falling out with people so I wouldn't tell her to eff off. I think I'd say something like "You were very lucky that your delivery went so well. But you do realise it's luck, not planning? There's no way of knowing in advance how labour's going to proceed. Why else would hospitals be geared up to deal with the unexpected? My deliveries were so bad I don't even like talking about them. Let's change the subject."

If she won't change the subject she's no friend.

CommanderShepard · 06/03/2013 14:35

Writehand that list of interventions matches mine! I had similar bollocks from the more excitable NCT types (my group was universally lovely which I gather is unusual) - lots of "oh poor baby, I bet she took a long time to perk up from all those drugs" - mmm, yes, the baby with full scores on each APGAR and who was merrily feeding as I was being sewn up

TheBigJessie · 06/03/2013 14:49

Your "friend" has funny ideas...

In your place, I don't know whether I'd just silently pity her for such ignorance or actually inform her that she's an idiot.

Could you book her on a course as a present? Is there a college near-by that does "how not to stick your foot in your mouth and sound like a judgemental ignoramus?" Alternatively, settle for A Level Human Biology!

No, not really. That would cost money, and I don't think she's worth it. Lock her in a small room, and read out every single Amy Tuteur blog entry to her from outside the door.

bumperella · 06/03/2013 15:58

CommanderShepard, much better, obviously, if the baby had been left there for "nature to take it's course" (oxygen starved, heart failure, etc) rather than have to "suffer" the interventions....Now be honest, you were just lying there saying "nah, I can't really be arsed pushing, will just wait for them to come round with the enormous great big barbeque tongs", weren't you....!

Faxthatpam · 06/03/2013 16:17

Haha - yes anyone who's ever seen (let alone experienced) a pair of Keilland's forceps would have no problems pushing for weeks rather than have them used for delivery!!!
Ignore the fool.

nickelbabe · 06/03/2013 16:23

that competitive childbirth thread get turned into "well, I had a much worse birth than that"

of course you did nothing wrong!

I had a homebirth, tens machine etc, etc, did active birthing, was relaxed, ate more than my weight in food, drank loads, etc etc.

had an episiotomy and tear, as well as practically having to force DD out of my fanjo, and a Post partum haemorrhage and ended up in hospital to be stitched and had anaemia.

so, births are very down to luck on the day, you can manage your risk, but you can't stop what will happen happening :)

x2boys · 06/03/2013 16:26

my birth experiences wernt great as explained earlier but i have to say a collegue of mine humbled me she had a still birth at 41 weeks a yr ago she is now about 25 weeks pregnant and her and her husbands attitude is whatever happens at this birth it will not be as bad as last time at least they will be taking a healthy baby home and how the hell can back to back babies be avoided?

CommanderShepard · 06/03/2013 20:10

Hah bumperella - what I didn't mention in my post was they were a lot more worried about me than DD, selfish so-and-so that I am!

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