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Original poster

Competative childbirth

229 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 04/03/2013 18:47

All my births have been horrendous, back to back and lots of things went wrong. I won't bore you with the details and it's all a long time ago now. I'm over it now, apart from the permanent physical damage that was a side effect. :(
Friend has just had her 1st baby and it all went perfectly and according to plan, all great and I'm so happy for her.

Apart from she has been keen to tell me that if I had done X,Y and Z then I also could have had a perfect birth too. I don't think it's as easy as that, everyone is different and each birth is different. Just because all that worked for her doesn't mean it would have helped at all in my circumstances...

I'm glad she had a good birth but I don't want to feel like my traumatic births were my fault because I didn't do my homework or watch the right DVDs...
Birth is only the start of parenthood, it's not that important, why do some people want to make such a big deal of it?

Am I being a jealous cow? AIBU to feel sad about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 06/03/2013 20:48

Faxthatpam, DS was a Keilland's delivery, that's the bit I haven't recovered from 4 years later!

OP posts:
Writehand · 09/03/2013 13:15

When I turned up at the clinic expecting my 2nd baby the consultant looked up and said "I'll always remember you. You're my only failed forceps."

Which was good, in a way, in that it seemed to make her unusually respectful. She asked me if I wanted to try for a natural delivery, but she seemed relieved when I told her I didn't. Immediately told me she'd have made the same decision in the circs. My thinking was that it's all very well saying try for a natural delivery because no one ever found out what went wrong the first time, but it was exactly because no one knew what had gone wrong that I opted for a planned C-section.

And even that went wrong. We were all happily in theatre when suddenly my BP plummeted, I fell down a black hole, they hurled my DH out of the room, and whizzed DS2 out of me so quickly & cack-handedly that his poor jaw was black from the forceps and he couldn't suck properly for a month, so I couldn't BF. His face was so sore he had to have bottles with the teat hole enlarged.

A month later I was rushed into hospital with a chunk of placenta gone nasty inside me. They must've been in such a flap they didn't check they'd got it all out. My GP said, and I think this was her exact phrase that "it was an appalling catalogue of errors". But both my DSs were OK, and that's all that really matters.

olivertheoctopus · 09/03/2013 13:27

YANBU. Because clearly it was your fault all your births were so horrid. Not. She's being a smug cow and its offensive.

Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 09/03/2013 17:02

Writehand :(

At least you're all here in one piece, I know how you feel.

OP posts:
Writehand · 10/03/2013 22:15

Thanks, Framey. That's all that matters. The babies arrived safe too. Smile

GreenEggsAndNichts · 10/03/2013 23:52

ugh threads like this make me so glad that no one I knew was like this when I had DS.

YANBU. Ignore it. Absolutely pathetic on her part.

McNewPants2013 · 11/03/2013 00:00

I have had 2 perfect births, I just put it down to sheer good luck.

My sisters have all had near death experiences with child birth, none could have been prevented and i thank god that all my nieces, nephews and sisters are all fit and heathy.

AmberSocks · 11/03/2013 00:48

the thing i do believe there are certain reasons why birth can be difficult or go wrong,its not the mothers fault,its the care she is being given.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 06:57

Obviously the care that you are given is vitally important, but you can still have a difficult birth with the very best of care. Women are just very used to having control and thinking that all will be well if you do all the 'right' things and if you don't do the 'right' things it is your 'fault'- whereas it has a huge element of luck.
It is rather like parenting and the view that there is a magical 'right' way to parent and if you do a,b and c you will end up with an emotionally, well balanced, fully functional, mature, loving adult and if not the guilt kicks in and it is the mother's 'fault'. There are no magical solutions- everyone is different and one size doesn't fit all.
It is sensible to prepare for birth, and seek the best possible care,but it doesn't guarantee a 'good' birth experience and it is sad that people then feel that they were at fault, or failed, when it is just luck.

AmberSocks · 11/03/2013 15:45

its not just luck,there is no such thing as luck.

there are reasons for everything,we just dont know them,there are occasions where there are medical reasons with the mum or baby or both where no matter how much positive thinking or support will help,but in most cases for a healthy woman and baby its totally possible that she can give birth the way our bodies are meant to.

its not the mums fault,its down to too much intervention most of the time.

elliejjtiny · 11/03/2013 16:39

I think it's mostly luck, with a bit of good genes, health/fitness of mum etc as well. Eg a mum who needs to be induced early for her health reasons will statistically be more likely to have a difficult birth than a mum who goes into labour naturally. I had a really good birth with DS3 after a traumatic birth with DS2 and I think it was mostly down to luck. I was meant to be induced but labour ward was busy so I went into labour on my own (luck). I had a midwife who encouraged me to be active despite being on the CTG monitor (luck) and other things were down to luck as well.

AmberSocks · 11/03/2013 16:51

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LUCK

ffs do you lot think there is some kind of luck fairy who goes round with a little bag of luck dust sprinkling liberally on some and not o others,get a grip,there is a reason for everything.

TheBigJessie · 11/03/2013 16:52

How do you feel about chaos theory? Grin

TheBigJessie · 11/03/2013 16:53

Or chance?

SingingSands · 11/03/2013 17:05

I can't stand competitive birth smugness. Next time your friend starts, just look her in the eye and say "do you think I chose that birth option?".

When I had my first dc I just used to say "it was really hard work, but worth it in the end" and leave it at that.

BearFrills · 11/03/2013 17:10

I think when people on the thread say luck they mean chance and personally I think a large part of it is down to chance. You can read all the books you like, subscribe to whichever theories you want, practice breathing, positions, or whatever else takes your fancy but ultimately you do not know how your labour and birth will go until it actually happens.

While certain factors can give an indication of what will happen next during a delivery it is just an indication, not a certainty, and no one can predict exactly what will occur.

Saying a traumatic birth is often down to too much intervention isn't strictly true either as the large majority of interventions are literally lifesaving.

Yes childbirth is a natural process and in theory it is what your body is meant to do however nature is not perfect and in a lot of the stories related on this thread if the woman had been left for nature to work it's course most of them would have died in childbirth - myself included. Back in the days before interventions childbirth was the number one killer of women and it was largely down to luck whether or not you survived, nowadays it's still largely down to look however in the majority of cases an intervention means the difference between life and death.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 18:08

If you don't like the word luck then substitute 'chance'. I know that some people are control freaks and want to plan it all, but nature isn't like that. You can prepare all you like but it doesn't follow that it will work out the way you wanted it to.
I agree with BearFrills.
I have just been reading that in Medieval times one woman died in every 50 births so I think that we should be very thankful for intervention - rather than viewing it is an evil! Those women were giving birth 'as nature intended' and it killed them.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 18:40

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LUCK

ffs do you lot think there is some kind of luck fairy who goes round with a little bag of luck dust sprinkling liberally on some and not o others,get a grip,there is a reason for everything

Of course there is sheer luck and there is not a reason for everything. If 2 people buy a lottery ticket and one wins a big prize and one gets nothing it is nothing they did. A friend was off ill, swapped his shift and a bomb fell-the person he swapped with was killed. It was sheer chance-there was no reason and it wasn't even as if they were in a dangerous place. DH and I eat practically the same diet, he has high cholesterol and I have very low cholesterol-again sheer chance.
I have easy births because I have inherited wide hips-sheer chance-we have narrow ones in the family.
You may put an easy birth down to proper preparation but it can be nothing more than chance. It is very unfair-not to mention cruel -to tell people that there was a reason for their misfortune when there probably wasn't. The lucky fairy may not go around with luck dust, but some people are lucky. This is from birth-some DCs may be blessed with looks, talent and a family with money-it is nothing they did.

LandofTute · 11/03/2013 18:56

In Afghanistan 1 in 8 women die in childbirth. This is not because of too much medical intervention, it's in part because of not enough medical intervention available to the women.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 19:17

Exactly LandofTute-I do get fed up with the way people talk about medical intervention as if the medical profession are deliberately out to spoil your birth experience-forgetting that the alternative may be death! A healthy mother and baby is the important thing.

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 21:41

'Luck' is shorthand for chance, the unknown, circumstances out of your control, chaos theory and so on.

I don't think anyone believes in a luck fairy.

PurpleStorm · 11/03/2013 21:42

Agree with exoticfruits about luck / chance.

You might be able to tilt the odds in your favour, but luck still plays a part.

And medical intervention can often make the difference between life and death. My mother (and subsequently me) would probably have died when heavily pregnant with me if medical intervention hadn't been available and she'd been left to give birth naturally.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 21:56

Not a 'luck fairy' obviously, but it is wrong to say that there is no such thing as luck or there has to be a reason. Otherwise it leaves those who have misfortunate happenings thinking it was their fault and those who don't have misfortunate happenings feeling very smug that 'they did it right'.

If a strong wind brings a tree down and it misses me it was just chance, if it hits the person who was 30 seconds in front of me it was equally chance. Neither of us did anything to deserve it!

exoticfruits · 11/03/2013 21:57

People are so used to arranging the 'perfect wedding' etc they forget that you can't do the same with births- there are lots of unknowns.

BearFrills · 11/03/2013 22:01

My DD almost certainly would have died, possibly me too.

On paper I should have had a straight-forward 'natural' delivery. I was healthy, had a previous vaginal birth two years before, baby was of average size, problem-free pregnancy, and DD was head down and fully engaged at 40 weeks.

Except she wasn't. She was breech and no one realised this until my MW sent me for a scan at 40+1 when she got an inkling DD was upside down. Scan confirmed it and two days later I went for an ECV (where they turn the baby).

I was damned lucky I didn't go into established labour, although I'd had a show and was mildly contracting roughly every eight minutes. They did an HD scan before the ECV. The scan showed that I had barely any amniotic fluid, they could find only one measurable pool of just 3cm in size. It also showed DD, a flexed breech, had the cord wrapped around her legs in a figure-8. The remaining coil of cord was literally lying on top of my cervix. I went straight down for an emergency cesarean.

If it hadn't been picked up I'd have stayed at home and waited for labour to begin. The first I'd known of any problems would have been when my cervix dilated enough for the cord to fall out (prolapse). If by some chance it didn't prolapse and I arrived at hospital safely I'd have probably attempted a vaginal breech delivery, completely unaware of the cord around my daughter's legs until they engaged far enough into my pelvis for the cord to become compressed.

Luckily though my MW spotted a potential problem, late in the game but in time all the same. The collection of circumstances were bad luck but luckily I had access to a surgeon, a hospital, a life saving intervention.

Luck/chance/chaos theory, whatever you want to call it, does matter in childbirth and it does make a difference. Nothing I did or didn't do caused the problems I had, it was purely bad luck and unfortunate circumstances. Interventions didn't cause it, they resolved it.