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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it is over :(

64 replies

difficultday · 03/03/2013 00:34

I had a nasty car accident this morning. I'm not badly hurt, but I have a bit of whiplash and I'm badly shaken. The police attended and it was a v busy road. The car is a write off. dh had a prearranged night to see my brother's professional fight. My mum was going too and other members of the family. I asked dh not to go, but he said he had to, as he had agreed to take two other people. I'm sure there would have been room in other people's cars for them, but I accepted that.

My mum got home at 10.30. Dh is still not hope as he decided to stay out. He is now having a pint in a local pub and says he'll be home soon. He is driving - so I'm wondering why he's stayed out so long. I pleaded with him to come home, I'm sore and very sad. He said he'll be 15 minutes - that was half an hour ago. He's had alcohol and gambling issues in the past. He can't be trusted with money. Tickets for this night out cost £60, but me and the kids go without. I don't earn enough to keep the house on my own and I need a car to work (the accident was my fault and my car's a write off - waiting to see what insurance say). I'm so scared about the future and everything seems very very bleak at the moment.

AIBU to have expected him to try to get home early tonight?

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 03/03/2013 00:35

What an utter wanker!!! I can't believe you've been in a car accident, and he's off on a jolly!

Are you okay?

Original poster

difficultday · 03/03/2013 00:37

No, I'm not :( I can't stop crying.

OP posts:

NoniJuice · 03/03/2013 00:39

To think that its over? Your marriage? Seems like a bit of an overreaction.

I think if you keep contacting him and demanding him to come home then he might be being stubborn and stay out even longer.

He may have had alcohol and gambling issues in the past BUT you did say the past. Unless he is showing clear signs that he still has these issues you need to let them go and not throw it back at him each time he goes out.

It's almost 1am, try and get some sleep or you'll just work yourself up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2013 00:39

So sorry. This is rotten. Do you have comprehensive insurance?

I used to have as H who prioritised other people, drink and fun over me. Now I have a new DH who doesn't. Life can change.

Jinsei · 03/03/2013 00:41

No, of course yanbu. You poor thing. :( You must be really shaken up, and he doesn't seem to care. Could this be his warped way of dealing with the shock that something awful could have happened to you?

smoothieooo · 03/03/2013 00:43

I'm so sorry Difficult and don't know what to say. I hope 'D'h comes back soon and gives you the comfort that you need but also hope that the insurance situation is better than expected.

Not sure whether or is most appropriate but either way, I wish you well.

Poppet48 · 03/03/2013 00:45

YANBU your 'D'H is being extremely unreasonable.

Let him know how you feel when he gets in and tell him that he can take over everything until you feel better.

Sorry about your crash OP :(

Original poster

difficultday · 03/03/2013 00:46

He does still have issues, in that he still drinks almost every day and he still gambles.

OP posts:

Dannilion · 03/03/2013 00:46

I'm sorry about your accident and glad you're (physically) ok. But I do think you're overreacting. He was out at a pre-arranged night with YOUR family that he'd already paid for.

Saying its over sounds a bit melodramatic, and I can't help but think that maybe you have acted this way before. So he may not have taken you seriously when you requested he come home early. No, not a great attitude to have but something that can be worked on by both of you.

You're probably exhausted, and that's not surprising. Hopefully you can get some rest tonight and look on this with a clear head in the morning

Original poster

difficultday · 03/03/2013 00:46

I am fully comp.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 03/03/2013 00:56

He's not there when you need him most, what's the point if he can't even get himself together to do such a basic thing as that?

You've had a huge shock (), and I don't think it's overreacting or working yourself up unnecessarily to wonder what kind of a person could let someone down so badly in such a way.

Have you thought about splitting up with him before now? How did that pan out if you did?

Original poster

difficultday · 03/03/2013 01:02

Yes I have, but I'm scared of being alone. I'm so upset.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 03/03/2013 01:11

I don't want to make you feel worse saying this, but you're alone now aren't you?

The difference between now and if you LTB would be that you wouldn't have someone poking you with a shitty stick while you're on your knees rock bottom.

It would have been your choice, and you could get your life on an even keel before you started sampling all the delights pleasing yourself can bring.

That's all spiel of course because deciding to drastically change your life like that would be a huge step, but is the thought of being alone without him any worse than how he's making you feel by ignoring your feelings now?

That us internet randoms give more shits for you than he does (although I may be over dramatising it there )

PopeBenedictsP45 · 03/03/2013 01:12

So sorry difficult ((hugs))

Being alone will be far less stressful than staying with this loser. Guaranteed. But don't think about that now - get some sleep and deal with it tomorrow.

DeepRedBetty · 03/03/2013 01:12

I'm smelling a bit of Burning Martyr here tbh, but if he's really got gambling/alchohol issues then of course you should LTB.

Original poster

difficultday · 03/03/2013 01:14

This is true. Sometimes he confuses me as he will be nice to me, but I did need some support tonight.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 03/03/2013 01:30

Are you the kind of person who sees other peoples distress as a weakness in them DeepRed?

That they should be more like you and just get on with it, I'm presuming you don't have the same expectations of support from those you're close to and love?

Being in a relationship with someone you'd hope would be concerned if you were upset about something legitimate and try to make you feel better, is a bit of a double edged sword. You're taking the risk of laying yourself open to them betraying that expectation and letting you down, and if they do they may as well have stuck the knife in it can physically hurt so much.

It's good you don't get what the OP's talking about because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Original poster

difficultday · 03/03/2013 01:35

Thanks Deepredbetty, I needed that today.

OP posts:

Original poster

difficultday · 03/03/2013 01:35

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 03/03/2013 01:38

It doesn't matter difficultday because YANBU (if we pretend for a minute that my opinion counts for more than it actually does )

SomethingProfound · 03/03/2013 02:10

Difficultday, YADNBU you have been through a traumatic experience and wanting you partner to be there with you to support you is perfectly reasonable.

I recently had a car accident and it really does shake you up and make you feel low.

Have a hot bath to relive the aches and pains get some rest, put dealing with your twunt of a husband out of your head until tomorrow.

TotallyBursar · 03/03/2013 02:14

Yanbu.

However, you will be having a huge come down from the massive adrenaline surge that got you through the crash and everything you had to do - this will leave you feeling terrible, shocky & low.
Dealing with this tonight is not the best thing for you as you'll be in the worst place to protect your feelings & get your valid views across.

Start as you mean to go on - be kind to yourself, take care of your poor shaken up body & try to rest & sleep. Take this opportunity to tackle things on your own terms & schedule - you don't have to dance to anyone else's tune.
It's not a great marriage is it? But it's not your job to deal with it all. Rest yourself, look after your children & leave dealing with everything else to the other adult in the house. Once you're a bit more together you can make your plans/state your case.
I hope you can sleep a bit tonight.

IWishIWasSheRa · 03/03/2013 08:26

Hope you are feeling better this morning

Original poster

difficultday · 03/03/2013 08:50

Thank you. I'm sort of feeling a bit better and a bit worse if that makes sense. I keep running over the accident in my head. I just want it all sorted out. I feel like the only person in the world who has ever done this. I can't sort anything else out just yet, I need to get over this I think.

OP posts:

LittleChickpea · 03/03/2013 10:00

I Am sorry you feel so down. YANBU to expect your DH to be there for you following the accident. Not sure what to say on that situation, but I may be able to help on the insurance issue. Can you tell me whether your policy is comprehensive cover or not, and who your insurer is?

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