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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is over :(

64 replies

difficultday · 03/03/2013 00:34

I had a nasty car accident this morning. I'm not badly hurt, but I have a bit of whiplash and I'm badly shaken. The police attended and it was a v busy road. The car is a write off. dh had a prearranged night to see my brother's professional fight. My mum was going too and other members of the family. I asked dh not to go, but he said he had to, as he had agreed to take two other people. I'm sure there would have been room in other people's cars for them, but I accepted that.

My mum got home at 10.30. Dh is still not hope as he decided to stay out. He is now having a pint in a local pub and says he'll be home soon. He is driving - so I'm wondering why he's stayed out so long. I pleaded with him to come home, I'm sore and very sad. He said he'll be 15 minutes - that was half an hour ago. He's had alcohol and gambling issues in the past. He can't be trusted with money. Tickets for this night out cost £60, but me and the kids go without. I don't earn enough to keep the house on my own and I need a car to work (the accident was my fault and my car's a write off - waiting to see what insurance say). I'm so scared about the future and everything seems very very bleak at the moment.

AIBU to have expected him to try to get home early tonight?

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Lucyellensmum95 · 03/03/2013 10:07

If this was a one off instance of selfishness then I would say that you are over reacting, but that yanbu as you are clearly shaken and upset. Could your mum not have stayed with you?

But if this is just an example of his behaviour then actually, fuck him - you don't need someone like that in your life. I bet YOU support him when he has his head in his hands about his gambling and drinking problems. I bet you have been doing that all along - putting his needs before yours. Now when you need him, he didn't step up.

This is a good indication of where you stand with him in terms of respect.

I would definately be considering my options just now

Original poster
difficultday · 03/03/2013 10:13

It is fully comprehensive and I'm insured with Swift Cover. I feel very stiff and sore this morning and absolutely heartbroken to be honest. It's knocked all the stuffing out of me. I can't actually remember the last time I felt happy - it just feels like one in a long line of horrible things.

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Lucyellensmum95 · 03/03/2013 10:16

Is he home now? can you run yourself a lovely hot bath and lock the door? Make him take the children out - quite shocked really that your family haven't offered any support, i mean, FFS you could have been killed. So sorry for you

Start thinking about what it is that you want and look at ways of making it happen

aufaniae · 03/03/2013 10:16

I don't understand the people who think your H being out when you've had a car crash is no big deal.

You've asked him to be there for you and he's not.

It's not just about tonight though is it? You say you've thought of leaving before and "He's had alcohol and gambling issues in the past. He can't be trusted with money. Tickets for this night out cost £60, but me and the kids go without."

If I could give you a crystal ball and show you that you would cope on your own, and be happy, would you leave him? (Obviously I can't do that - although I think it is likely - but just trying to help you think it through.)

Is alcohol still an issue btw?

BertieBotts · 03/03/2013 10:17

I don't think you're overreacting, sounds like you deserve much better. FWIW most people's partners would have abandoned what they were doing as soon as they heard, let alone leaving as soon as the fight )or whatever) was over.

You are NOT the only person who's ever been in this situation!

I hope the insurance comes out in your favour at least.

BertieBotts · 03/03/2013 10:18

And I know very well the feeling of the straw that breaks the camel's back in terms of relationships.

It can only go up from here, I promise you. Being alone is so much better than being trapped in a relationship like this. A million times better. :)

Original poster
difficultday · 03/03/2013 10:19

He still drinks, not every night and I don't think as much as he did, but I think he lies about how much he drinks. He's lied in the best, so it's hard to know really.

ds is not well either. dh has made me tea and toast this morning. I feel like a failure.

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Original poster
difficultday · 03/03/2013 10:20

best should say past.

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HollyBerryBush · 03/03/2013 10:22

there is obviously a lot of back story here.

FWIW, if my DH wasn't by my side after a shunt, let alone a write off, injured or just shaken, I don't think I would be keeping the relationship. I am the most important thing in his life, and he in mine. Other people come much later down the pecking order.

ChairmanWow · 03/03/2013 10:27

You're not a failure. You've had a big shock and been let down by the person who should have supported you most. It's no surprise you feel so awful and have been left asking some pretty fundamental questions about your future.

Please don't underestimate the impact this accident will be having on you right now in terms of your mood. It's not necessarily the right time to be making big decisions. Try and get some space over the next few days to get your head together, maybe talk to a close RL friend or family member and write some stuff down about your feelings for your H. I guess you need to work out how much you still love him and whether it's worth putting up with his ongoing behaviour. Or perhaps you might want to consider Relate counselling.

Hope you can work things out Thanks

ChairmanWow · 03/03/2013 10:29

I didn't mean putting up with his behaviour permanently btw, I meant while you work things out! Clearly things need to change one way or the other. Sorry for lack of clarity.

Original poster
difficultday · 03/03/2013 10:33

He did come when I called him after the accident. It was that evening when he went out - I don't know if that makes any difference. I just assumed he'd rush back. He says I seemed alright when he left. I keep crying, it's horrible. I'm self employed and when I told my clients I couldn't make it today and why, they were wondering if I could do work for them from home!

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Original poster
difficultday · 03/03/2013 10:36

Yes, I think I can't make any decisions today at all.

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bigbuttons · 03/03/2013 10:47

difficultday. You sound at a real low point. The car accident is like the straw that broke the camel's back isn't it? It's just too much on top of all the other 'small' things that are happening to you.
Your dh should have made sure you were ok with him going out. He should have made you feel that you were more important than going out. What's worse he knew you weren't ok and still went! Of course you feel bad, especially if his drive to go out was fulled by the need to drink/gamble as well.

I am going to the dr's tomorrow to ask for help because I left my shitty ex last year. I've tried to be brave and cope without any medical 'help'. But I don't think it was brave of me , I think it was daft!
the reason I mention this is because many of the ways you are using to describe yourself are what I feel at the moment and I am depressed. I finally admitted it last night after a weekend of non stop sobbing and heart pounding.

Would you consider talking to a dr about how you are feeling?

Original poster
difficultday · 03/03/2013 10:59

Big buttons, I think you're right. I've got lots of little things happening. I'm in hospital on Friday for a colopscopy, things are not brilliant at home, I'm working too much, worrying that the kids aren't having a nice life, worrying about money and then this happens. It feels like everyone else is happy and I'm not and I don't know how to ever be happy.

This has just given me a massive shock and added to my general sense of inadequacy. I have been tripped for depression in the past and had some old anti-d's in the cupboard, so I took one to calm me down a bit. I stopped taking them a while ago as I felt I didn't need them. When I feel like this though, I find it difficult to imagine things ever getting any better.

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Original poster
difficultday · 03/03/2013 10:59

tripped should say treated. Can't type today!

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Original poster
difficultday · 03/03/2013 11:00

I might go to the dr about my aches and pains and then maybe bring up how I'm feeling.

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bigbuttons · 03/03/2013 11:14

difficultday. You know you can't take one anti depressant to calm you down. they don't work that like, it's not a quick fix.
If you have have sustained periods of stress which you have, it can lead to a chemical imbalance in your brain. Nothing to do with with coping. not coping/ having one bad day and feeling shit.
If you are treated for depression in the past ( and I have been) then you can slowly come off AD's but might well need them again during other stressful periods.
When you see the dr next week it might be a good idea to talk about how you are feeling about yourself generally?
I feel shit about myself, really shit, even though I know nothing that is happening to me now is my fault, I still feel worthless and hopeless that is why I know I need help, however temporarily, until I get back on my feet again. I want to be able to laugh again and enjoy being alive.

LittleChickpea · 03/03/2013 11:18

Swift cover is underwritten by Axa Insurance Plc. Reputable insurer. Your write off should be fully covered however you will need to pay your excess which will not be recoverable as the accident was your fault. Your personal injury claim is not sufficient enough to be recoverable under your policy because it's a fault claim. All the other parties damages including personal injury claims will be covered. So try not to worry about the damages to your car and concentrate on yourself. It will be covered. If you want any more help on the insurance just email me.

With regards your DH, you have every right to be upset. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Original poster
difficultday · 04/03/2013 13:02

Please help.
I feel like I can't carry on. I feel humiliated and a failure. Am panicky about the future. I feel like everytime I try something it goes wrong. I can't do simple tasks like tidying up or putting a wash on. I slept all yesterday and wish I didn't have to get up. I don't know if this is just caused by the crash or if that was a trigger. I can't seem to pull myself out of it.

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Original poster
difficultday · 04/03/2013 13:04

The way I feel now, it's like someone could offer me a holiday in the Caribbean and I still wouldn't be happy.

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WayneTait · 04/03/2013 13:16

You have had a shock. Don't expect anything from yourself for the next 24 hours - text or email all your clients that you are sick and will not be contactable until Wednesday. How old are your DC? Can they go to grandma's or on a playdate tonight? Get a nice soppy film or book and have a duvet day and a takeaway or beans on toast for dinner tonight, don't bother about cooking/housework today. If you still feel like this tomorrow you need an emergency GP appointment, but you may be much calmer and more yourself.

The antidepressants need to be destroyed - get DH to drop them in at the pharmacy. It's dangerous to keep them lying around and as a PP says they won't help if taken sporadically. If you think you need them your GP can prescribe a new course for you to take properly.

The state of your marriage is a separate thing - tell yourself you won't make any decisions this week and try to forget about it for now.

impty · 04/03/2013 13:16

Hi,
First you are not the first to have car accident. It will be ok. Swiftcover are my insurers and when I had an accident and they were very good. So that can be sorted. Try not to worry.

Second please, please make an appointment with your gp. Not only to check you are physically ok after the accident (but do that too), tell them about how you are feeling. They can help and I think you might need some support. You are going to have to trust them to help you.

You sound depressed. I think you will need support to get better. Once you do start tofeel better then you can make decisions about your life and relationship.

I wish you lots of luck.

impty · 04/03/2013 13:18

Ok, just read about the anti depressants. Go back to your GP and start again. Take your medication properly. Look after yourself.

Original poster
difficultday · 04/03/2013 13:20

Thank you. I just wanted to sleep yesterday. Feel a bit jittery. ds has tonsilitis I think, so I'm at the docs with him, but dh forgot to make me an appointment when the doctor phoned us back. Keep going over things in my head. I really don't want to keep fighting if that makes sense, I have always worked so hard and got nowhere. I'm useless with the kids.

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