To think that it is over :(

[difficultday]

I had a nasty car accident this morning. I'm not badly hurt, but I have a bit of whiplash and I'm badly shaken. The police attended and it was a v busy road. The car is a write off. dh had a prearranged night to see my brother's professional fight. My mum was going too and other members of the family. I asked dh not to go, but he said he had to, as he had agreed to take two other people. I'm sure there would have been room in other people's cars for them, but I accepted that.

My mum got home at 10.30. Dh is still not hope as he decided to stay out. He is now having a pint in a local pub and says he'll be home soon. He is driving - so I'm wondering why he's stayed out so long. I pleaded with him to come home, I'm sore and very sad. He said he'll be 15 minutes - that was half an hour ago. He's had alcohol and gambling issues in the past. He can't be trusted with money. Tickets for this night out cost £60, but me and the kids go without. I don't earn enough to keep the house on my own and I need a car to work (the accident was my fault and my car's a write off - waiting to see what insurance say). I'm so scared about the future and everything seems very very bleak at the moment.

AIBU to have expected him to try to get home early tonight?

difficultday everything you are describing is because you are depressed. feelings of worthlessness, uselessness etc are simply because you are depressed, not because they are true. They are not true, but all you judgements are clouded by the depression.
You have had a drip drip drip of shitty things to deal with and they have slowly changed the chemistry in you brain.
for me the anxiety that goes with depression causes horrible, horrible adrenaline surges regularly through the day and night. you know, the fight or flight felling? And over a long term it's exhausting.
If you were diabetic you would take medicine to help yourself wouldn't you?
As I said earlier, I'm at the same place too. I would have gone to the dr's today but like the queen I have a nasty tummy bug, so can't!
Get help. Once you have (hopefully) started to take the medication and it starts to kick in you WILL see things differently. You will feel better about yourself and be able to make clearer decisions about what you want to do with your life and marriage.
Keep talking here if it helps. I know when I'm really low that i just need to speak about how I'm feeling. I need to anchor myself to other people because I'm terrified if I don't that I will simply disappear.
xx

I will keep talking here. I need to get better. When something bad happens it confirms all the negative feelings I had about myself.

Are you feeling any better Op?

The alcohol /gambling issues where bad enough, but in your shoes I would be lived that he has shown such little care for you after an accident, if this is the last in a long line it would be over for me too tbh.

OP. Bigbuttons is right. Please see your GP and talk through how you are feeling/responding. You sound depressed. It isn't anything to feel ashamed about. It is a chemical imbalance. You are not a failure, quite the reverse infact, as you are aware that you are struggling at the moment.
I hope you start to feel better soon.

also difficultday, feel free to pm me if you want

You sound as if you may be mixing up the very nasty after effects of being in an accident with the long term fate of your marriage. I don't think they're necessarily connected.

The night out was to see your brother's fight and your mum & other members of your family went to it too. All of them went. None of them stayed with you. You could also be asking "Why didn't my mum come round to see if I was OK?" or "Why didn't my brother cancel?" Also -- "Why did they all spend £60 on something we can't afford to please my brother?"

Does all your family put you last? Is your husband treating you as the strong one who can cope because that's how your mum sees you? Just wondering.

Hi, just checking in this morning. Hired a car for the week. Felt ok driving in it. Feel very panicky and anxious still and also really embarrassed.

My brother couldn't cancel, it was a headline event that people had paid money for. My mum's friend did stay with me, so I wasn't on my own all night. I just wanted dh there.

What are you embarrassed about? Glad you're driving again though that's important.

I think I'm embarrassed as it was so public, in the middle of the main road. I actually like driving and thought off myself as a good driver, but obviously I can't be, as I made such a terrible mistake. I want to buy another car now, but I've got to wait for insurance to sort things out, so I'm in limbo at the moment.

There isn't a driver out there who hasn't made a mistake behind the wheel, some are lucky and get away with it and some don't. To make a mistake doesn't make you a bad driver or a bad person, it makes you human.

yes, we all make mistakes. A mistake is never wasted if you learn from it. I can remember all the times I have had a scrape whilst driving. I never made the same mistakes again.
making a mistake whilst driving does not mean you aren't a good driver, it just means you are a good driver who happened to make a mistake. Don't be so hard on yourself. Go to the dr's and have a chat .Will you do that?

Feeling pretty low. I can't go anywhere, even to see the doctor, as I am at home with poorly children. Feel like I'm on a conveyor belt that I can't get off.

Things will get better. Try to get to your GP, can you ask a friend or neighbour to mind your children for you for an hour or so?

You need to look after yourself too.