Nanny making comments about our income

[MrsLion]

I have just gone back to work 3 days a week and have hired a nanny to look after my 3 dc- (6,3 and 1).

She is about 50 and is definitely a 'mrs doubtfire' type of nanny. Very efficient, very proactive, works hard and is great with the kids (a little strict- but they still love her).

But, there are a few comments she has made about our income which have rubbed me up with wrong way.

I'll give you some examples and the context:

1. When talking about ponies and children
   Nanny: you better not get DD2 anywhere near a pony, because then she'll want one- and you can't afford it.

2. Telling her what our weekly food budget was (she does grocery shopping sometimes)
   Nanny: Oh right, well, of course I'm used to working for doctors and lawyers

3. Telling her about school drop off and uniform etc
   Nanny: Of course I'm more used to private schools as i often work with really wealthy families

4. When talking about dd1 spelling and reading homework
   Nanny: you should see what they're doing in the private schools- way more than this at your age (said to DD)

So I generally completely ignore these comments and brightly change the subject without responding at all. At first I put them down to an unfortunate turn of phrase but as there have been a few I am now feeling a bit pissed off.

Ok so the last two are not directly income related but felt it was said indirectly. Btw I'm not remotely jealous of private school for a 6yo- we are very happy indeed with her local primary school.

So, AIBU to think this is rude and out of line to make these comments. I have no desire to prove whether or not we can afford a pony- actually we couldn't. But more annoyed she felt it was her place to comment in the first place. How do you think should I handle it- especially considering she's an excellent nanny in every other way.

Or am I overeacting - we've had some financial difficulties over the last year or two and maybe I'm a bit oversensitive.

Hit me with it!

actually your nanny reminds of of snotty middle aged shop staff, who work in some nice "ladieswear" shop and think as they work there, they are actually the customers

they wouldn't be caught dead working in asda as they think that's beneath them, but they'll work in Libertys as its posh

even though asda and libertys pay the same

I agree that making derogatory comments about your dd's achool and level of work, esp to her, is outrageous.

And LOL at the outrageous ageism on this thread. People who are now 50 were at the forefront of liberation politics, only for a new generation to display the most narrow minded and ignorant prejudice. Oh the bitter irony.

I agree with Worra's first post - and even the pony comment can't be judged really as it depends on the tone used when it was said.

Personally I wouldn't be upset by the comments, and maybe you could even try and say to her, that as she's spent so much time with kids in private education, maybe she'd like to give your DD a bit of help so she's ahead of her peers?

She's probably relieved she doesn't have to plough through tons of homework with your kids OP, that's all.

To me it seems you are upset that she thinks you aren't 'wealthy enough.'

I think she sounds a bit tactless and is possibly a bit of a snob, but I also think that you are very sensitive to perceived criticism.

I think she is just trying to make conversation, but isn't big on sensitivity or tact. I doubt that she means to offend you, but agree that if you are finding her comments offensive, then you need to raise that with her.

Most important to my mind is whether your children are happy and whether she is good at caring for them and respects your parenting decisions.

No she isn't saying in relief that she's doesn't have to do the homework Valium. The tone she used was definitely positioning the private schools as way better compared to DDs school.

Which may well be the case, but honestly, we're very happy with DDs primary school.

And I would like DD to be happy and proud too, not be told, quite unnecessarily, that it's second rate.

Yes, I know she will get this her whole life -from friends, class mates etc who live in naicer houses and go on posher holidays. It's one of the facts of life and you don't get jealous, be happy with what you've got and accept it graciously. But at 6 I think its ok for me to feel uncomfortable with an adult (who should know better) deliberately and unnecessarily pointing out an unfavourable difference that she would otherwise have never known about.

Regarding pony comments and such about our income- there are many people who know we're worse off than them (and we were definitely considered less 'wealthy' than most when we nearly went bankrupt and were, by all accounts dirt poor) and there are people who would think we're very well off now. How 'wealthy' other people, including our nanny think we are, isn't something my self-esteem is hanging on.

I just felt it was rude to say these comments at all. It's a personal remark and judgement.

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what is said, or why, or how true it is, I just don't think rudeness/ judgeyness is acceptable. Especially from someone employed in a central role in your family.

If this had been another personal comment eg
"my last employer was a size 8! You're not, you're a size 16. I can make a great cheesecake, but you shouldn't really shouldnt be eating it though" it would be deemed a lot ruder.

Just because it's an observation about income rather than weight, doesn't mean it's any less inappropriate.

Karma- yes the children like her and she cares for them brilliantly. As i saud, shes a good nanny.
But I do see our choice of school as a parenting decision, which she doesnt appear to be respecting all that much.

However, she worked today and was great. :) So I'll just proceed with my plan.

She seems like a good nanny. I would have warning bells if she said, 'ah, less homework' in a happy way rather than a disapproving way. That would sort of indicate that she is a bit of a work-shirker, and wants it easy.

You are making comparing school curriculums sound like a bad thing, e.g., a meaningless issue such as a posher house etc. There is a real difference between material things and education.

If your neighbour lives in a bigger house, your child loses nothing. But if your neighbour's child is being challenged more at school and given a higher level of education, surely you cannot just brush it off and blame the person who observes it.

And i am totally at people who think it is a put down to your dd. A child at 6 should be totally able to take this in the right spirit and just do extra tuition.

If being compared to others makes them feel insecure and bad, then how in earth are they going to compete in life? When we were growing up, we were always compared to others (relations, parents friends children etc) in terms of academic performance. You pretty much get used to it and if it bothers you, just strive to work harder and do better.

In my university (top 5 in the world), the classes were always graded on a curve. And it was clearly stated that there would be 2 A grades, 4 Bs and so on. So it was not enough to be smart, you had to perform better than your peers to get a top grade. We all still studied in groups, and made lasting friendships. But at the same time were competing against each other. Perfectly normal and easy to adjust to for children who had grown up in an environment where they were used to educational comparisons and competition.

Utter rubbish,a 6yo take a put down in right spirit. What like man up?stiff upper lip?
Rudeness from adult to child is not appropriate,and I'd expect adult to have better grasp of social norm
Right spirit and tutoring,yes why not beat the child too,teach humility

"A child at 6 should be totally able to take this in the right spirit and just do extra tuition. "

Ok? And how does she pay for it? Are there weekend jobs for 6-year olds? Or do tutors work for free in your part of the world?

Isn't the whole point of the OP that the nanny keeps cricising something that the 6-yo has no chance of influencing, namely the family income?

Er, there are a lot of reasons one might not send DC to private school and not just because of cost!

And at 6, I don't think it is appropriate for a normally-achieving child to have 'extra tuition' if they're meeting all their milestones, reading and writing at an appropriate age level etc. It really doesn't benefit the child to be hot-housed and given extra work so they can be 'advanced', not at 6 years old! It's not like it will affect their GCSEs or anything!

I don't think that this is a case of 'comparing the child will make her feel bad'. It is a case of someone basically saying 'your school is crap. Your teacher is crap' to her. This isn't the case, I'm guessing. A 6 year old should not have to deal with the worry that she isn't doing as well as other normal 6 year olds because she's not being taught properly.

Frankly some of you seem to have chips as big as boulders

Cory, I assume the nanny was saying it because she was supervising the homework...so of course with encouragement from the OP she would provide the extra tuition..? At no extra cost I would guess, but just based on her helping students of a similar age who have a more advanced curriculum.

For me that would be a bonus, but I can see some of you it is a touchy subject, based on your own insecurities.

I still think it is bollocks that a 6 yr old would see it as a put-down or a criticism of her school.

If someone said that 6 year olds in China have a more advanced math curriculum, then your children would see it as a put-down/ criticism of their own country?

The children I know would just take it as face-value and either be interested and ask questions or ignore or be happy that they are not in China.

I'd just practice saying "really" or "interesting" with a qlazed look whenever she says anything stupid. Or "do you meanto be rude, as that really was"

Glad you had a better day.
I'd just boost your daughter's confidence in front of her if she makes disparaging remarks. Just say something like "oh don't worry dd's school is great, she's really happy there. I'm so proud of her reading/ writing." etc etc

"In my university (top 5 in the world), the classes were always graded on a curve. And it was clearly stated that there would be 2 A grades, 4 Bs and so on. So it was not enough to be smart, you had to perform better than your peers to get a top grade. We all still studied in groups, and made lasting friendships. But at the same time were competing against each other. Perfectly normal and easy to adjust to for children who had grown up in an environment where they were used to educational comparisons and competition."

Granted I have missed a few posts as have been at work today, but how on earth is this ^ above related to op's problems with her ill-mannered Nanny??

It shows that making educational comparisons is not a bad thing. It is not enough to think you are doing fine, it matters how you are doing in comparison with your peers.

I thought Chinese kids didn't start school until they were 7. If so a slow start in terms of early years education doesn't seem to be hindering them too much

But, in relation to op's Nanny and her 6 year old dd and Nanny's relationships within the family ... it has zero relevance.

(But a nice opportunity for you to brag about how fabulous you are flatbread )

explain to her, gently, what you find acceptable and what you don't. if she doesn't listen, sack her.

Mintyy, of course it does. For you, educational comparisons may be all about 'put-downs' or 'bragging'.

But in the real world, educational and professional, comparisons are a normal way of life.

The reason I shared that my Univ. is among the top five, is to point out that the best academic institutions (i.e. Not backward or outdated universities) will be openly competitive and expect their students to be comfortable being compared favourably and unfavourably to others.

The best you can teach your child is not to shy away from unfavourable educational comparisons, but to approach the issue systematically and work on their education/ knowledge gap.

"The best you can teach your child is not to shy away from unfavourable educational comparisons, but to approach the issue systematically and work on their education/ knowledge gap."

But I'm afraid I disagree. And I suspect op does, too.

It wasn't very clear in my OP. My nanny has not been asked to supervise homework.

DD was writing out her spelling words and we were chatting about it together. Dd likes learning and is proud of what shes doing at school.
Nanny was in the room and so to include her in the conversation I said:
"we're just talking about dd's homework she gets this and that and bla bla etc, don't you DD? And are you enjoying it?' etc etc

This is when nanny pipes up with

"well you should see what the private schools are doing at your age. Way more and harder than this"

And no flatbread, studying at age 6, when she's only been at school 12 months (start school on their 5th birthday here) does not require the same learning skills or attitude as an adult in a world-top-5 university after 14 years of education.

That's the plan bunny :)

If your nanny worked with wealthier people, maybe she should find one to work for.

I would get rid of her. Her rudeness and innaprpriate remarks won't stop.