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AIBU?

Nanny making comments about our income

174 replies

MrsLion · 02/03/2013 22:54

I have just gone back to work 3 days a week and have hired a nanny to look after my 3 dc- (6,3 and 1).

She is about 50 and is definitely a 'mrs doubtfire' type of nanny. Very efficient, very proactive, works hard and is great with the kids (a little strict- but they still love her).

But, there are a few comments she has made about our income which have rubbed me up with wrong way.

I'll give you some examples and the context:

When talking about ponies and children
Nanny: you better not get DD2 anywhere near a pony, because then she'll want one- and you can't afford it.
Telling her what our weekly food budget was (she does grocery shopping sometimes)
Nanny: Oh right, well, of course I'm used to working for doctors and lawyers
Telling her about school drop off and uniform etc
Nanny: Of course I'm more used to private schools as i often work with really wealthy families
When talking about dd1 spelling and reading homework
Nanny: you should see what they're doing in the private schools- way more than this at your age (said to DD)

So I generally completely ignore these comments and brightly change the subject without responding at all. At first I put them down to an unfortunate turn of phrase but as there have been a few I am now feeling a bit pissed off.

Ok so the last two are not directly income related but felt it was said indirectly. Btw I'm not remotely jealous of private school for a 6yo- we are very happy indeed with her local primary school.

So, AIBU to think this is rude and out of line to make these comments. I have no desire to prove whether or not we can afford a pony- actually we couldn't. But more annoyed she felt it was her place to comment in the first place. How do you think should I handle it- especially considering she's an excellent nanny in every other way.

Or am I overeacting - we've had some financial difficulties over the last year or two and maybe I'm a bit oversensitive.

Hit me with it!

OP posts:

Report

marjproops · 03/03/2013 17:35

I havent read all the posters but (may be repeating someone) next time she makes a barb about your finances just say '' o you dont' need to worry, you'll be getting your pay at the end of the week, if we were so poor I wouldnt be able to afford a nanny''.

Or diplomatically, ''Oh i dont think it would be anyones business our finances/school/etc, dont you think? '' Anyway instead of barbing she should be working!!

FarBetterNow · 03/03/2013 17:45

I think some of the retorts that the OP is being advised to reply to the Nanny are incredibly rude and ill mannered.
I suggest that if the OP isn't completely happy with the Nanny, she should terminate her employment sooner rather than later as even Nannies have employment rights.

Emilythornesbff · 03/03/2013 18:50

Oh well her comments are not appropriate.
I would try lavenderhoney's approach and keep it light.

Yfronts · 03/03/2013 19:05

I wouldn't be offended unless she said it in a rude way. I expect they were all innocent comments that just rolled off the tongue without thought. I'd be quite interested to hear what the other kids in private schools were doing, how much a GP's grocery shopping costs and how much people pay towards a horse obsessed daughter.

She obviously isn't rolling in it herself but if you wanted to say something it could be 'ah money doesn't bring happiness'

Yfronts · 03/03/2013 19:07

Or you could just ask lots of questions. I'd be quite interested in what her old clients were like.

Murphy0510 · 03/03/2013 19:15

I would just think of retorts for each time she says these things; when she makes food budget comments you could say things like 'haha it must be strange working for paupers now'.

LynetteScavo · 03/03/2013 19:18

Hmmm..I would be reading between the lines, and thinking the nanny sees this job as a stop gap until she finds something more lucrative.

Kiwiinkits · 03/03/2013 19:26

I love to be appalled at what other people spend unnecessarily. So I agree with Yfronts, get the details...! Have a laugh with her about it.

MrsLion, a good nanny is really hard to find. And this is your first experience with one. And your kids have built a relationship with her. So, dont' be rash. Give her a chance. She's settling in with you and your family, just as you are settling in with her. You never know, you may have said something that is offensive to her, too.

LittleEdie · 03/03/2013 21:02

She's either a bit insecure, or a bit up herself. A lot of people are. This doesn't reflect on you, so you're probably over thinking it. It's not the end of the world if she's generally a good nanny.

A small chat with your DD about private education and what it means vs the importance of hard work and parental backup I'm sure would be enough to counter any negative influence - after all, you're her mother.

Phosphene · 03/03/2013 21:14

As long as she is paid on time and a fair wage I don't see why a nanny would profit from a richer family, but maybe that's just me.

LittleEdie · 03/03/2013 21:42

Well, they'll often get to see the world and have a lovely working environment. Who wouldn't like that?

And the reflected glory. Again, this is nice.

If you develop a good relationship with her I think it'll probably cease to be a problem.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 03/03/2013 23:43

All of these things would irritate me: YANBU.

I agree with Flatbread - some of the comments on here are totally bizarre. Not sure we'd agree on which ones they were though!

Our first nanny made all sorts of assumptions/observations about us and other people. She didn't know what she was talking about 9/10ths of the time either.

RE your nanny the comments I would address NOW are the sort directed at your daughter re her spellings. Unacceptable and could well come across as a put down.

The other comments would grate on me but I would probably take a wait and see approach depending on how quick and fast they were coming before pulling her up on them. RE the food budget, I liked the comment up-thread: It's great you're so experienced, you can manage on all levels, etc or something like that.

Is there any chance she might be having some issues settling? What did her previous references say? Did she leave on good terms?

The other thing I would have my eye on is how gossipy she is about you, again based on our experience with my first nanny. This went hand in hand with us and I have seen it in another family too.

MrsLion · 04/03/2013 00:04

I've read through all the responses again and most of you think the comments are rude and inappropriate.
I take on board though, the posters who suggest her comments may be just observations and that I should stop taking them personally.

There are 3 outcomes:

she stops because I let her know I don't like it
she carries on and I either let it wash over me or silently seethe.
I get another nanny who doesn't do it but who may not be as good in other areas (have had 3 over the years and know how tricky it is to find a good one)

I'm going to try for number 1.

I'm going to take a light- hearted approach. Just politely letting her know when I find a comment inappropriate or tactless without getting defensive or too confrontational. I don't want to insult her with cutting retorts.

When she's been with us for 3 months I'll have a review with her and address it again then if need be. Along with anything she might have concerns about.

If after this I'm still feeling unhappy, then I'll jump to option 3 and get another one.

OP posts:

MrsLion · 04/03/2013 00:05

I've read through all the responses again and most of you think the comments are rude and inappropriate.
I take on board though, the posters who suggest her comments may be just observations and that I should stop taking them personally.

There are 3 outcomes:

she stops because I let her know I don't like it
she carries on and I either let it wash over me or silently seethe.
I get another nanny who doesn't do it but who may not be as good in other areas (have had 3 over the years and know how tricky it is to find a good one)

I'm going to try for number 1.

I'm going to take a light- hearted approach. Just politely letting her know when I find a comment inappropriate or tactless without getting defensive or too confrontational. I don't want to insult her with cutting retorts.

When she's been with us for 3 months I'll have a review with her and address it again then if need be. Along with anything she might have concerns about.

If after this I'm still feeling unhappy, then I'll jump to option 3 and get another one.

OP posts:

MrsLion · 04/03/2013 00:18

I'll definitely be back to tell you what happens over the next few weeks

OP posts:

MrsLion · 04/03/2013 00:30

Thanks for the good advice LadyHarriet, I agree with you.

OP posts:

Primafacie · 04/03/2013 00:40

Oh god, I feel like I know who your nanny is!

We hired a 'supernanny' from an agency a couple of years ago to help with one specific thing we were struggling with. I remember calling DH at work and telling him Nanny Plum had arrived. Listening to her, she spent most of her time at the Chedi, as part as some princes' retinue. Her various complaints included that our flat was small; our oven was dirty; we didn't have enough staff; etc.

Very grating. I was relieved when she left. It made me appreciate our lovely regular nanny even more.

YANBU. I would get shot. She is rude. There's lots of good nannies out there, it's a buyers' market.

Primafacie · 04/03/2013 00:52

Sorry x post and I see you are abroad! My post is totally irrelevant now :o

NadiaWadia · 04/03/2013 04:20

Agree that some of the comments on here are bizarrely ageist!

At 50, your nanny is young enough (and old enough) to know better.

If the children like her, I would have a frank talk with her, not attacking her, just letting her know these comments are inappropriate. I would do this out of the childrens' hearing.

See how she responds. She might not realise how annoying she's being. If she changes, well and good, if not, then think about getting rid.

HouseOfBears · 04/03/2013 05:29

Sounds like you have a good plan OP. If you are going to bring it up, I'd probably turn it around on her and go for something like "are you happy here? As I've noticed you've made a few comments that seem to compare us less favourably to your previous jobs" and use that as a starting off point. Hopefully part 1 of your plan will work!

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 04/03/2013 06:01

Excellent plan

Littleturkish · 04/03/2013 06:14

I like house of bear's phrasing.

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saintlyjimjams · 04/03/2013 07:59

I came on expecting to say YABU but The one about homework to your dd had me gasping (my children are in a mix of state & private schools so no axe to grind).

Good luck! I think you probably do need to do 1). I'd probably do 2) but then it begins to affect other parts of the relationship as well.

RedToothBrush · 04/03/2013 08:04

If she was your employee at any other business would it be appropriate for her to make a comment about your income.

Purely and simply, its unprofessional.

Thats the point that needs to be stressed.

ssd · 04/03/2013 08:09

op.she is judging you and you just dont need that

I'd get a newnanny who was more on my wavelength

(and I've worked as a nanny for years)

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