About XP and contact with DS? I have The Rage but honestly can't decide if its warranted

[McBalls]

Xp sees DS very frequently, no formal arrangement as doesn't seem necessary in our case.

But I've been asking him for a long time to give me reasonable notice if he will be coming over/collecting from school/taking him for dinner/having him overnight etc... And he just doesn't IMO.

I have no problem at all with the amount he sees him, I would just like to know in advance so I can (selfishly?) plan my own time better.

We have had a few blow ups about this over the last year or two -or rather I have - and he seems to get where I'm coming from, apologises but then nothing changes.

Yesterday I finished work about two, needed some shopping but thought wouldn't have enough time before end of school so went home, then at 3.10 get a message from xp saying he'll get DS from school. Annoying as had I known I'd have gone shopping. Then they come here (this is probably unreasonable of me but I find it irritating that he does this, if he is free to see DS then why not just take him to his? I don't need a social visit with him! But when I've mentioned this in the past he says that DS wants to see me - so fair enough really) I wasn't feeling great so had a blanket on the sofa and could barely keep my eyes open, think he felt annoyed I wasn't being good company or something though DS was happy as he came under blanket with me and we talked about his day, so xp said he'd take DS to his for dinner - fine. All I wanted to do was sleep and I was counting down the time til DS got home so we could go to bed, then I get a message at 7.30 saying 'hope you're feeling better, I'll be getting DS to bed in a minute'.

I was fuming and called him asking what on earth was going on last I heard he was just going over for dinner! He did his usual placating, apologised though I'm not even sure he got why I was annoyed and tbh I really lost it with him and was very ranty and sweary. I feel bad about that, especially as what happened yesterday was no big deal really, it's just that I take the constant drip drip drip of little things like this and then there comes a point where all the pent up resentment about his inability/unwillingness to be clear with me about what is happening comes frothing out.

I don't even know if I'm explaining this well, still feeling bleurgh today....

Ami being unreasonable? Can take it if I am.

No, you're not being unreasonable. It will be stressful for your son as he won't know who's collecting him or putting him to bed. You need to make a rota and he needs to stick to it.

YANBU. He is not listening to you. It may be that a more formal access arrangement through a solicitor, or the suggestion that you might be looking to formalise it, might make him be a bit more considerate.

Possibly a teeny-tiny bit??

He saw you were feeling unwell so thought he'd help by having ds overnight. That's nice, isn't it?

YANBU. There needs to be a proper routine of contact, fine if its different days on different weeks or whatever, but there needs to be a basic pattern.

And there is no reason at all for your exp to be in your home. He needs to stop doing that asap.

We I'm going for YABU.

If it's an informal arrangement it's informal.
You were ill he took his son for dinner and had his son overnight and you ranted and swore at him.

If you want a formal arrangement then have one.

Thanks all.

Clam - that's exactly what he said, that he thought as I was unwell he'd keep him there so I could have a good sleep and a lie-in. And of course that is lovely and considerate but it doesn't feel lovely and considerate, he could have told me before he left my house, he could have sent me a message before 7:30, if he had I'd have gone to bed at 5! But I wasn't given the information to make that decision.

I need to apologise for ranting at him but this needs to be addressed but when I've tried to het more formal arrangements in place he digs his heels in and I end up feeling like a loon, getting all het up about what is really small stuff.

I tried in the past to get him to give me a. Timetable on a Sunday of the following weeks arrangements (he does shift work so there can't be one set timetable) and he literally did it once! And even then he was cagey about those arrangements.

I just don't understand why what I'm asking for causes such a problem for him - I'm not dictating how often he sees DS, he's free to tell me how it'll be I just want to know in advance. That's all!

Re DS, he's honestly fine with ad hoc arrangements, doesn't bother him in the slightest.

Dadthelion - yes, I would love more formal contact but xp just will not go along with it.

YANBU, informal does not mean XP can just do as he pleases and ignore your convenience.

Btw, when I say id love more formal contact I just mean a weekly plan.

YANBU

Dadthelion informal does not mean ad hoc - you can have informal but structured contact.

OP, it would only be common courtesy for him to let you know when he will be seeing your son, and in what context.

Nothing wrong with having a flexible/fluid arrangement. Nothing wrong with him coming to your home if you're ok with it, I expect DS likes it.

When you're feeling better, you need to have a proper talk with him about the issue of notice. What's the priority? Is it that you want to know in advance when he's having DS so you can plan some child free time? Or is it the short notice generally? If it's the first option, then he should plan some basic contact each week and stick to it, but maybe have extra on top.

It's not fair that all the contact seems to be on a whim at his convenience.

I had an informal arrangement with the ex. He'd tell me a couple of weeks before hand what his shifts were and we'd arrange for him to see ds around them. He wouldn't just call or turn up, you have a life as well.

YANBU.

I have very informal arrangements with my dcs Dad, your relationship with you ex sounds similar to mine with my ex. I would go crazy with all that last minute arrangements of things, and I'm usually more than happy to be laid back about it all and go with the flow.

I find I need to question my ex about all his plans, and then reiterate them again straight afterwards, otherwise I'd be exactly where you are.

I don't think you should make things official and formal, there are too many benefits of informality to think that losing it would be a good thing, but you do need to get across to him that you need to know what's going on. Stop thinking you can rely on your ex for information, accept that you will have to drag plans out of him each time and then insist those plans are stuck to.

YANBU. You don't need a formal arrangement in terms of solicitors/courts being involved but you need to set up a framework as he's affecting how you function. You could have gone shopping if he'd phoned you to say he was picking DS up. Now you have to rearrange that. You could also have got to bed early if you'd known DS was staying at his dad's. These are minor things in a way but it's keeping you hanging on and you're at the beck and call of someone making plans without informing you in advance so you can make your own plans. There needs to be a set framework but within that you can be flexible. E.G. the dad picks DS up on set days. If he can't make it or you can't one day then it's ok to ask for help. Same with DS sleeping at his dad's - set days so you all know where you are. You need to have a life too and as this goes on you won't be able to make your own plans. Hypothetically you could have gone out with friends last night if you hadn't been unwell. You might have cancelled that not thinking DS was going to be at his dad's. Impulsive is good but not when you have to fall into line each time.

You are SO not being unreasonable.

A very close friend of mine is like this. Cagey, doesn't tell me things then springs them on me last minute so I get cross that if I'd known I'd have organised my day differently!

Having just seen your update, I'd be looking to hassle him every Sunday for his plan for the next 7 days. You shouldn't need to chase him but clearly you do.

I expect more notice/commitment from a live in partner, so when you're not in a relationship it's completely reasonable for you to expect some idea of what's going on.

I wonder whether the only way for him to see what he's doing (if you explain again and he fails to engage) is for you to start saying "no, not convenient, if you'd told me on the weekend that would be fine, but now I've made plans". I wouldn't do much of it, as it would be a real shame for DS, but perhaps a fortnight would act as a wake up call.

YANBU

I can also see why him 'popping' round to your house irritates you, that sounds like territory marking.

I am totally amicable with my EX but I don't like him in my home and he stops at the door when he returns our children after visits.

Its really good that both you and your DSs dad get lots of time with him, but it is not fair to give you no notice and the not letting you know whats what.

Sounds like he doesn't think your time is worth as much as his.

You're gonna have to have a talk about it all.

It actually seems like you and your exP are doing a good job compared with some of the stories you hear on MN where the parents can't stand to even see each other.

I think it would be much better if your exP was more considerate and hopefully he will listen now that you have had a good rant at him.

It sounds as if your DS is ok with things which is the main thing.

So YANBU but I would try and smooth things over and try to look at the bigger picture.

Hope you feel better today.

I think you're being slightly unreasonable, particularly as it doesn't sound as if he is intentionally trying to inconvenience you.

I think that having a flexible relationship sounds great and means that DS gets a decent amount with both parents so you should hold onto it. It sounds as if your ex isn't thinking things through, maybe he gets off early from work or something and thinks I'll go and get DS, or he was at dinner and it then came to him to let him stay over, it isn't ideal but perhaps he's just not a planner.

I think you should set some clear ground rules, rather than giving him the more abstract rant about considering your time (or whatever you're saying), be specific and then you will have more certainty over your time and/or who is being unreasonable.

Tell him if he wants to pick DS up from school, he needs to let you know by x time, (otherwise maybe he can request and you can decided if its convenient), if he wants DS to stay over you need to know by the night before. That way you can make more detailed plans and then what he did yesterday (which did sound well-intentioned) wouldn't irritate you because it would clearly be a nice thing rather than you feeling he is messing with plans again.

Reading the mixture of yabus and yanbus is helping me feel less wound up, so thanks all.

Sasha - as you say, he's just not a planner. And he is doing it to inconvenience me, but I have told him dozens of times that it does - so he can't not be aware that inconveniencing me is the result.

Oh I don't know...

As lots of you have pointed out, we have a good situation and. I don't want to jeopardise that. I just resent that he makes me feel I am jeopardising it when what I want from him(a weekly plan, which I am perfectly willing to accept changes to if something comes up) seems so simple.

And he is not doing it to inconvenience me...

If you have told him that it does inconvenience you and he still does it, then he is doing it to inconvenience you, OR he just thinks your time/wishes is not worthy of consideration.

I think this sounds really rubbish. When you say 'flexible' is it two way? So could you rng him and say 'will you have DS tonight so I can do x' or is it just you fitting around your ex?

What happens if he says he wants to see DS and you say 'sorry we've got plans tonight'? Or do you always say yes? Is he annoying/difficult if you saay no?

I think you and like a pushover, like you don't want to argue with him. Just say, from now on I need 24 hours notice or I am assuming DS staying at home. I need to plan.

How old is your DS?

And just tell him he can't stay in your house. You need some boundaries.

Could you email him on Sunday and ask him if he has plans to see DS and also if he wants him overnight or anything during the week then stick to it.

I think YANBU, you need structure and to know how to plan your day, I'd be in a permanent tiz if I had such an arrangement!

I'd stop contact in your own house, you can say you'll speak to DS on the phone, he's with his dad he knows you're at home he shouldn't be upset at not seeing you one afternoon or whatever surely?