About XP and contact with DS? I have The Rage but honestly can't decide if its warranted

[McBalls]

Xp sees DS very frequently, no formal arrangement as doesn't seem necessary in our case.

But I've been asking him for a long time to give me reasonable notice if he will be coming over/collecting from school/taking him for dinner/having him overnight etc... And he just doesn't IMO.

I have no problem at all with the amount he sees him, I would just like to know in advance so I can (selfishly?) plan my own time better.

We have had a few blow ups about this over the last year or two -or rather I have - and he seems to get where I'm coming from, apologises but then nothing changes.

Yesterday I finished work about two, needed some shopping but thought wouldn't have enough time before end of school so went home, then at 3.10 get a message from xp saying he'll get DS from school. Annoying as had I known I'd have gone shopping. Then they come here (this is probably unreasonable of me but I find it irritating that he does this, if he is free to see DS then why not just take him to his? I don't need a social visit with him! But when I've mentioned this in the past he says that DS wants to see me - so fair enough really) I wasn't feeling great so had a blanket on the sofa and could barely keep my eyes open, think he felt annoyed I wasn't being good company or something though DS was happy as he came under blanket with me and we talked about his day, so xp said he'd take DS to his for dinner - fine. All I wanted to do was sleep and I was counting down the time til DS got home so we could go to bed, then I get a message at 7.30 saying 'hope you're feeling better, I'll be getting DS to bed in a minute'.

I was fuming and called him asking what on earth was going on last I heard he was just going over for dinner! He did his usual placating, apologised though I'm not even sure he got why I was annoyed and tbh I really lost it with him and was very ranty and sweary. I feel bad about that, especially as what happened yesterday was no big deal really, it's just that I take the constant drip drip drip of little things like this and then there comes a point where all the pent up resentment about his inability/unwillingness to be clear with me about what is happening comes frothing out.

I don't even know if I'm explaining this well, still feeling bleurgh today....

Ami being unreasonable? Can take it if I am.

Just because he says he isn't doing it to inconvenience you doesn't mean he isn't!

I suppose that's what I don't want to believe - that he's doing it on purpose.

I have accused him of that more than once including last night. I've told him I feel like he's trying to make me crazy because that's how it feels.

But that doesn't fit in with how he is in general, he's placid, kind, wants us to get on well - it's just me who has these blow-ups, he wouldn't be that way with me. I do feel a bit crazy tbh, I can't see the wood for the trees on this issue.

Yellowandgreen- yes he does happily have DS if I need him to, he is tonight actually. But it doesn't happen often that I need to ask for specific times or dates.

Yanbu.
But I think he is doing it to inconvenience you and to be in control.

Ok, so you can ask him to have DS, so at least there is some flexibility both ways.

What happens if you say no to a request from him?

And what is the reason for him being in your house?

YANBU.

He may not be doing it maliciously but you've pointed out it does inconvenience you and you're not happy about it so from then on he should have changed how he behaves. To carry on regardless suggests he doesn't care.

I would speak to him about adding some structure. He would be being selfish to ignore such a request.

Ok, have decided an email is the way forward. Then my points are there in black and white. What do you think of this:

Xp, firstly I want to apologise about the way I spoke to you last night, I was entirely out of order to shout and swear at you the way I did.

In terms of what I was trying to convey to you, that stands.

I have asked so many times for you to let me know your plans with DS in advance, you say you will but then simply don't.

I have never, and do not plan to start dictating to you when you can see DS. I am happy for you to have him as often as you like. You are free to make these plans on your own terms all I want is advanced notice so that I can better plan my own time.

I know you are comfortable deciding what you do on a whim, to just see how a day pans out, but I prefer my time to be organised and structured (in terms of free time I have far less than you - you see DS often but all the dull, unavoidable organisational stuff is down to me) and I think it's unfair that your preferences impact on my own time in this way.

I would like for you to give me a timetable every Sunday which details when, and in what capacity, you will be seeing DS. Also if we could have some uniformity in terms of times that would be helpful and would avoid me having to chase you up all the time - I don't like having to do that, it feels like I'm nagging you.

So, for instance, if you are going to be collecting him from school then can I just assume from now on that you will go to yours (or out, whatever) and then bring him home by 7?
And if you are having him on a Friday night then perhaps I could collect from school, do dinner and you collect him at 5.30 bringing him back by 7 on Saturday?
If you are having him on Saturday night then how about you collect him at 12.30 and he comes home by 5 on Sunday?

I will always be happy to be flexible, things come up and you may have your own plans which mean you need to alter the above sometimes, that's fine and not a problem at all - just let me know. But I think it would be far easier to have a basic formula and then all you have to do is what suits you each week.

McBalls.

I think I may sound like a controlling arse, so won't send just yet.

At the end that should say 'But I think it would be far easier to have a basic formula and then all you have to do is plan what suits you each week.

Ive been thinking about your predicament since you posted as I was in a similar position a few years back (We got back together, we have another baby now) although DP at the time wasnt quite as whimsy as yours.

It sounds as though he genuinely doesnt know himself until the last minute. I doubt he thinks at 9am that he'll pick him up after school but doesnt tell you until 3.10. I expect he made the decision himself at 3.08.

Its simple to fix though, you have to have set days and times he sees him. You've tried to ask him for warning to no avail

Which is a shame because last minute decisions aside, it sounds like a relaxed and easy going set up which is rare.

Its a good email, to a point. You said at the start you didnt want to dictate times but by the end thats pretty much exactly what you did.

Take the time suggestions out, suggest sitting down and discussing them together. then you can suggest and he can nod and agree

But that doesn't fit in with how he is in general, he's placid, kind, wants us to get on well - it's just me who has these blow-ups, he wouldn't be that way with me. I do feel a bit crazy tbh, I can't see the wood for the trees on this issue

Im not surprised he doesn't have any blow ups, he's getting to do what he likes with zero inconvenience.

Email looks good, not controlling, but I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to set his own times for pick up/drop off and not agree with your suggested ones.

I wouldn't send that email, you sound too apologetic. Why ask him so many questions?

You dont even get in the same district as controlling!

Why don't you think about it and see if you can be clearer about what you want? Do you have a friend you could talk it over with?

I don't see why you don't tell him where to get off.

And point out you are happy to go for a mediated contact schedule if he won't make sensible arrangements with you.

I said I don't want to dictate when he sees DS, meaning how often. I could tidy that up a bit to make it clearer.
Also the times of an after school visit or an overnight visit are suggestions really, perfectly happy to negotiate those with him. The timings themselves are not the issue, just the need to know what's happening in advance.

For instance he could say to me 'I'll come and see DS later' and unless I push for further details I have no idea whether that means

I'll collect him from school, take him to mine and bring him home at 7 or
I'll collect him from school, expect you to be home so we can pop by then go to mine and bring him home before bed time or
I'll come round at some unspecified time later on and hang round at yours for a couple of hours.

I have tried to have this discussion with him SO many times...it doesn't work!

Ggrrrr... See, I said I couldn't see the wood for the trees!

Need to stop thinking about this for now, going to get ready to go out later.

Thanks all, really appreciate the advice.

For instance he could say to me 'I'll come and see DS later' and unless I push for further details I have no idea whether that means

See that is taking the P.

He is doing that so that he knows you are sitting at home waiting for him and can't do anything else.

He is not listening to you at all is he?

I really do think he is doing this on purpose to control what you do.

So maybe an email that simply states 'I am no longer willing to make arrangements on the day. The way we currently make arrangements is negatively affecting DS and our home life. I would like to move to a system where we agree on a Sunday what the plans are for the following week.'

Then you don't need to discuss anything further, yet, unless he agrees to that basic idea any other discussion is pointless.

It sounds to me like you might need to toughen up a fair bit!

"he is doing this so he knows you are sitting at home waiting for him not able to do anything else."

Thats a huge negative assumption. The OP is going out tonight by the sounds!

From what you've said OP your ex isnt calculated in the way Amberleaf has suggested, perhaps just a bit ignorant to your time and needs.

Good luck OP, let us know the outcome.

WellSlap...

It is a negative assumption yes.

If it was just that then maybe I wouldn't think it, but coupled with the fact that despite her raising the issue with him on many occasions, he still continues to do it. That and all the other stuff like turning up unannounced and lounging in her home.

He's taking the piss, and if you've discussed it with him before, and things haven't changed, that would indicate he is doing it on purpose to me. We have an informal arrangement, depending on what plans we both have at a weekend (for instance, if I have a lunch booked with friends on a Saturday, exP will have him then. If he iis out with friends on a Saturday, he'll see DS on the Sunday, etc.) but can't imagine him doing what your ex is doing.

Great he wants to see his DS, yes. But at the detriment to your ability to plan ahead, no.

YANBU but it does at least seem that you can still have a sensible discussion about it. He should take your rant on the chin but you need to make him understand that he must play ball.

Be clear what you want. Whether you want 1 hour or 1 weeks notice be clear.

It is always a shame when these situations get too formal when they don't need to, nobody wins.

my ex p and i had an informal contact thingy.......so informal he just stopped turning up even though he had promised DD he would pick her up. Just stopped....this was the september. His mother dropped off xmas gifts that december and not heard from him since....6 years ago. No birthday/xmas cards.

he would use the informality as a power thing.....he wouldnt guarantee a pick up and how long he would have DD as he didnt want me to be able to go out...yes he told me that. so i had to be oncall all the time. He threatened me with court if i didnt have DD available, - this could be seen as me not letting him see her.

he stopped coming round when i met my now DH.....i think he realised he didnt have any power over me anymore.

Yes it was an abusive relationship and now looking back i shouldve told him to fuck off but i wasnt in a good place to do that.

This sounds as if he hasn't realised you are not together any more. If its upsetting you then you need to change it,if he won't listen still then you will need to be tough and even get a solicitor to set it out formally for you. I can;t think of anything worse that having him come to your house when its his visit. Just because DS wants it, surely DS can't always have what he wants. What if you had plans or even a new partner? this needs to be sorted for your sanity!!

I think your email sounds really good. Your suggestion to have basic 'rules' is simple and sensible.

You sound really reasonable. I hope it works out ok.

OP does he still want to be with you? How long since the split?

I must admit it doesnt sound totally 'split'. As I mentioned before I was im this postition with my DP when we had an 18 month split. It was never really properly divided.

He is doing this on purpose, because he wants you to remember that he is in charge and his time is more important than yours. So I think it's time to get firm with him. Tell him he needs to book his time with DS or he doesn't get to see him.

He gets to be completely impulsive and you don't? How is that fair?

I don't get to be completely impulsive and DH and I live together (and neither does DH, by the way)