Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About XP and contact with DS? I have The Rage but honestly can't decide if its warranted

65 replies

McBalls · 02/03/2013 13:20

Xp sees DS very frequently, no formal arrangement as doesn't seem necessary in our case.

But I've been asking him for a long time to give me reasonable notice if he will be coming over/collecting from school/taking him for dinner/having him overnight etc... And he just doesn't IMO.

I have no problem at all with the amount he sees him, I would just like to know in advance so I can (selfishly?) plan my own time better.

We have had a few blow ups about this over the last year or two -or rather I have - and he seems to get where I'm coming from, apologises but then nothing changes.

Yesterday I finished work about two, needed some shopping but thought wouldn't have enough time before end of school so went home, then at 3.10 get a message from xp saying he'll get DS from school. Annoying as had I known I'd have gone shopping. Then they come here (this is probably unreasonable of me but I find it irritating that he does this, if he is free to see DS then why not just take him to his? I don't need a social visit with him! But when I've mentioned this in the past he says that DS wants to see me - so fair enough really) I wasn't feeling great so had a blanket on the sofa and could barely keep my eyes open, think he felt annoyed I wasn't being good company or something though DS was happy as he came under blanket with me and we talked about his day, so xp said he'd take DS to his for dinner - fine. All I wanted to do was sleep and I was counting down the time til DS got home so we could go to bed, then I get a message at 7.30 saying 'hope you're feeling better, I'll be getting DS to bed in a minute'. Hmm

I was fuming and called him asking what on earth was going on last I heard he was just going over for dinner! He did his usual placating, apologised though I'm not even sure he got why I was annoyed and tbh I really lost it with him and was very ranty and sweary. I feel bad about that, especially as what happened yesterday was no big deal really, it's just that I take the constant drip drip drip of little things like this and then there comes a point where all the pent up resentment about his inability/unwillingness to be clear with me about what is happening comes frothing out.

I don't even know if I'm explaining this well, still feeling bleurgh today....

Ami being unreasonable? Can take it if I am.

OP posts:
Kiriwawa · 02/03/2013 19:22

Of course it's about control. He's not saying 'I'm around so I thought I'd pick DS up from school. Is that ok?'

He's telling you what he's doing, he's not asking ie he's not negotiating with you.

Your email is altogether too apologetic - you are sounding like your desire to know his plans in advance is a bit OTT but actually it's entirely normal. Let's face it - he wouldn't treat his friends or his employers this way.

You need to play hardball if he won't agree to sticking to a weekly plan and tell him that he can't see DS if he suddenly decides on a whim that's what he's going to do. It's very disrespectful to both of you

Dadthelion · 02/03/2013 19:32

'Tell him he needs to book his time with DS or he doesn't get to see him.'

Do it my way or you don't see your child. Very reasonable.
Would that be in the best interests of their child?

Kiriwawa · 02/03/2013 20:40

This has bugger all to do with 'the best interests of the child' Dadthelion. If the dad were concerned about that, he wouldn't keep moving the goalposts.

Arithmeticulous · 02/03/2013 20:45

You seem to be asking him to tell you when he is seeing DS; rather than asking you when would be convenient for you.

What's that phrase? I wants don't get
He should be asking what you would like rather than telling you what he wants.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2013 20:49

At the moment, this man expects the OP and the DS to sit in their box until he feels like playing with them. It is not remotely unreasonable for him to agree in advance which days he will see his DS, and stick to them, except in cases of emergency. But he's been asked to show some courtesy and consideration and hasn't done so, which means it's time he suffered some consequences ie not seeing DS. Not every time, but maybe one in three times, he should be told that it's not convenient, that the OP and DS have other plans. This man needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around his schedule, that's all.

RandomMess · 02/03/2013 20:56

I think you need to tell him that the informal arrangement is not working for you at all, that you and ds need a routine so that other things can be planned.

Ask him how often and on what terms he would like to see ds each week from now on so you can have a formal agreement that you are happy to be flexible about provided he gives you 24 hours notice.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 02/03/2013 21:02

I don't see OP picking DS up from school, going over to her ex-H's, getting in his way, nipping off on an errand without saying when she'll be back, coming back with five minutes' warning just before tea with a sandwich for DS when ex-H has just prepared him a meal, do you?

Why not? Because it would massively inconvenience her co-parent and fellow human being and because she isn't a thoughtless arse who only gives a toss about their own timetable.

It sounds like OP is happy to be flexible to a very reasonable degree and that if ex had said after school - "look, you're poorly, I'll give him tea and he can sleep at mine tonight, Ok?" all would have been fine. Instead she was hanging on in no-man 's land.

cjel · 02/03/2013 22:01

well said

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy · 02/03/2013 22:10

When you put it like that Doctarine....

fuzzywuzzy · 02/03/2013 22:10

Don't send that email. take otu the first line about swearing and shouting, if you write things like that down he has on record that you're a psycho bitch, even tho it was a one off outburst after provocation.

Just simply

Dear X

The current contact arrangements are not working.

Moving forward I propose you let me know on Sunday by email, your desired contact times and days for the coming week with DS.

Also from now on, you can take ds straight to to your house, there is no need to bring him to mine and then take him to your house.

I will speak to DS on the phone at night before bed. I have discussed this with him and he is happy with this. (do talk to your son about it)

Kind Regards,
McBalls

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 02/03/2013 22:18

good email fuzzy

Original poster
McBalls · 03/03/2013 01:25

Ok so I just got in,drunk and I called him ( DS is with hi tonight) and i said

" look, I I'm sorry abou how I spoke to you, it's co pletely not acceptable but we do need to talk as I can't deal with your everything at the last minute attitude, it messes things up for me and i won't have it any more"

An he said its oj, I know you weren't feeling great yesterday. We can't communicate the way you did, it was horrible to hear you seak that way to me. so let's just get past that an get on better. Don't worry, I don't hold it against you.'

So I ended up feeling like my outburst was the big issue Hmm

I shouldn't h ave. called drunk. Hmmm.... Back to the drawing board! I' think the email proposed by someon - I'm sorry will heck in a min who it was- is good, I need to be far more to the point that my proposed email. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
McBalls · 03/03/2013 01:31

Fuzzy scuzzy! Tanks, will send that email Orr a close proximation of it

OP posts:
Original poster
McBalls · 03/03/2013 01:32

Fuzzywuzzy! Sorry

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 03/03/2013 14:18

If you're calling him late at night, drunk, I think this is a sign of the boundaries not being drawn clearly enough. You sound like you're still a bit too wrapped up in each other. If you sort that side of it out and get some proper distance between you, you might find it easier to be businesslike over DS' arrangements.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page