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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suspect I may be being a bit childish. How would you feel?

54 replies

BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:01

It's my birthday soon and it DP's just emailed me to say he's been invited to a schmoozy work dinner on the evening of my birthday. He asked how I'd feel about him going and me babysitting DSD.

We have plans to celebrate my birthday with friends at the weekend but I'd hoped we could have a nice evening on the night of my actual birthday with DSD.

So I replied and said if he's going to blow out my birthday for a work thing I'd rather not babysit DSD so I have the option of at least having a drink with friends that eve.

So he said he'd decline the dinner and just go to the conference during the day.

Was I BU?

I know it's silly to get bothered about an adult birthday but mine always falls near mothers' day and mum died not long ago so I always try to distract myself from feeling shit.

OP posts:
MechanicalTheatre · 01/03/2013 13:03

That would piss me off too, OP.

LittleTurtle · 01/03/2013 13:03

You are not BU. Your birthday comes once a year.

LittleEdie · 01/03/2013 13:03

YANBU

Original poster
BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:04

Oops posted too soon. I always try and distract myself from feeling shit by arranging nice things.

Staying in on my birthday babysitting while DP is out at a gala dinner isn't going to make me feel great.

OP posts:
NinaHeart · 01/03/2013 13:05

If this had been my DP I would have liked to think he would have declined the evening invitation as it was my birthday. In your shoes I would probably feel miffed too.
I suspect I would have stayed at home (can you babysit your own child??) and been a bit martyred and hoped for lots of presents and attention to make up for it.

Tee2072 · 01/03/2013 13:05

You are never unreasonable about your feelings, they are your feelings.

However, if it's a work dinner, it would probably be good for him to go. These things seem to getting more important as a way to show commitment to the work (or something). So I would tell him to go and that you'd babysit DSD but that you were going out X day with mates for a drink.

yogamomma · 01/03/2013 13:05

I think you have every right to feel put out. It is your birthday ONCE a year, surely it is not too much to ask to not go to ONE of his work dinners.
You deserve the very best, especially on your Birthday. :)

flatbread · 01/03/2013 13:06

Yanbu. Is he being passive aggressive, trying to guilt-trip you?

sleepyhead · 01/03/2013 13:06

Does DSD live with you? If not, then it's too much of an ask for your dp to not be around for your birthday, but also prevent you spending it with other people imo.

Personally it wouldn't bother me because I don't really care about my birthday, but that's me not you. It's how you feel that counts. I'd take dp up on his offer to skip the meal and not feel guilty about it.

wineandroses · 01/03/2013 13:08

Depends. Is it quite important for his job and what alternative arrangements would there be for DSD if you dont babysit? Personally it wouldn't bother me, especially as you are celebrating at the weekend. I think I would probably enjoy going out for a nice birthday tea with DSD then meeting friends for a drink later - assuming DSD would go home to mum or you have a babysitter she would be comfortable with?

BackforGood · 01/03/2013 13:08

Depends really on how important the works thing is for him.
Personally, I love celebrating my birthday, but it really doesn't matter if it's on the actual day or not. My dh even managed to be away for my 40th, with a works thing (out the Country), and I quite understand that you can't alter the date of a big thing that's been arranged by someone else, but that you can arrange to have a lovely evening by yourself on another day to suit yourselves.

Shakey1500 · 01/03/2013 13:10

Hmm I don't know. I'd be a little bit put out but being as there were firm plans to celebrate at the weekend and not so firm plans for the actual birthday evening then I'd have been inclined to say yes,go.

As it stands, he asked how you would feel,listened and declined so tis all good. Is he put out?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/03/2013 13:10

If it's a schmoozy work thing chances are it won't just be eats and drinks and home by 11 pm. So the following morning will likely start with you looking after DSD while DP snores it off either at home or where the conference is taking place.

Original poster
BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:11

Thanks guys. No he's not trying to guilt trip me at all, he was asking me what he should reply to the invitation and I confess I might have been a little bit huffy in response because he didn't automatically say no. But maybe I was BU to get huffy. He said no straight away and didn't try to convince me to let him go or anything.

DSD lives with us 50% of the time.

OP posts:
ConsiderablyBiggerBuns · 01/03/2013 13:13

YANBU, on the evening of my 40th I was at home by myself with 2 under 5's as DH had travelled early to a sports tournament. He could have travelled the next morning at a little extra inconvenience to himself, and to be honest I still harbour a bit of hurt about his decision. Unless the work meal out is very important, and I work in an environment where there are many, most of which are a great place to network but could easily be missed, then you were right to make your point to avoid bitterness in the future.

MrsBeep · 01/03/2013 13:15

I don't think you are BU about wanting to spend your birthday with your family at home, and I think it was very gracious and kind of your DP to ask you how you'd feel about him going to the work thing. I hope you were kind in your response to him as it doesn't sound like he was BU by asking your opinion on it and then declining the dinner to be with you.

Binkyridesagain · 01/03/2013 13:15

I thought this post was about me, then remembered I hadn't started a threadGrin. My birthday this year has been passed over for karate, I have said to DH that he has upset me but all I get is but... We can celebrate it on Mother's Day, 2in1 deal

YANBU but I have no advice

5Foot5 · 01/03/2013 13:17

I am going to go against the grain and say I think YAB a bit U.

It is not as if your birthday is being totally ignored since you are celebrating at the weekend.

What is the situation with DSD? Does she live with you all the time or is this one of your arranged contact days? What I am getting at is if this was your DD rather than your DSD would you still feel that you had the option to say you would rather not "babysit" so you could go out. It does sound like you see "babysitting" DSD as a chore to be let off because it is your birthday

Original poster
BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:19

Thanks. I was worried I was being selfish for stopping him doing a work thing (it's not important btw, the worky conference bit is during the day, the dinner's just a jolly) and that I was being selfish not wanting to babysit DSD.

But I think I would feel a bit hurt and bitter if I put his work and everyone else's needs above mine when I know that will be the one day where I really need everything to be good so I don't slump into a funk about my mum.

OP posts:
crushedintherush · 01/03/2013 13:20

YANBU.

It is your birthday after all. It's good, though, that your dh listened to you when you said you wouldn't babysit, rather than get into a strop and go anyway.

Or maybe he didn't really want to go, just asked you so he could say to his colleagues that he'd at least made the effort. Just a thought. But you know him better than us.

Sorry about your Mum Thanks Have a lovely birthday.Wine

sherbetpips · 01/03/2013 13:22

Depends if the dinner is a client thing or just a work thing. If he is supposed to be networking/working then he should go especially if you are celebrating at the weekend. If it is a piss up after a work only conference then not so much.
Can your mates not come round with a couple off bottles and celebrate with you at home?

OhCobblers · 01/03/2013 13:24

Why can't he arrange for a babysitter so that you can go out?

diavlo · 01/03/2013 13:27

Yes, YABU and a bit childish I would say...what age are you going to be btw?

Original poster
BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:28

5foot5 this will seem like I'm drip feeding now but I didn't think it was relevant until your post.

I suppose I am a bit put out about the babysitting DSD thing because we do his ex favours a lot. DP is always taking DSD for extra nights and weekends when his ex and her partner have got something else on. Like on his ex's birthday weekend it was supposed to be her contact weekend with DSD but she asked DP if we could have DSD so she could go away. All fine but DP never asks his ex to return those favours. So if he needs to do something on a night he has DSD he'll ask me to step in before he'd ask his ex IYSWIM?

OP posts:
FrenchJunebug · 01/03/2013 13:31

AIBU from adults regarding there birthdays always make me think 'really?!". Who cares if you don't do something special on the exact day of your birthday!

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