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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Suspect I may be being a bit childish. How would you feel?

54 replies

BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:01

It's my birthday soon and it DP's just emailed me to say he's been invited to a schmoozy work dinner on the evening of my birthday. He asked how I'd feel about him going and me babysitting DSD.

We have plans to celebrate my birthday with friends at the weekend but I'd hoped we could have a nice evening on the night of my actual birthday with DSD.

So I replied and said if he's going to blow out my birthday for a work thing I'd rather not babysit DSD so I have the option of at least having a drink with friends that eve.

So he said he'd decline the dinner and just go to the conference during the day.

Was I BU?

I know it's silly to get bothered about an adult birthday but mine always falls near mothers' day and mum died not long ago so I always try to distract myself from feeling shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:34

I guess I sort of felt that for the amount of times we've had DSD on her mum's contact weekend so that her mum could go away for her birthday or whatever, DP could've maybe thought to ask her to have DSD rather than his first thought being that I should spend my birthday evening doing it.

But I guess that speaks to a separate issue of DP bring determined never to ask his ex for any help.

OP posts:

OhCobblers · 01/03/2013 13:34

I didn't think you were unreasonable to start with and definitely not after your last post!!

Original poster

BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:36

FrenchJuneBug ordinarily I'd agree with you but I already explained why my birthday's a sensitive issue for me. Well, it's the mothers day thing more than the birthday thing really.

OP posts:

OhCobblers · 01/03/2013 13:36

X post.
He could still arrange a babysitter though couldn't he? Really don't understand why he feels it's reasonable for you to stay in on your birthday when you could be out having a good time!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/03/2013 13:37

Aww diavlo must be baking you a cake, and wants to know how many candles to put on, that's lovely.

BPM it isn't DSD's fault her mum plays on DP's good nature, but I can see you'd feel it's not a very fair way of doing things.

Original poster

BigPotatoMoths · 01/03/2013 13:39

Yeah Diavlo I don't want to say how old I am because I'm in denial .

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/03/2013 13:50

Mine would look like the towering inferno

DeWe · 01/03/2013 14:13

I think it was perfectly reasonable to ask the OP. She might have not minded, or seen it as a good oportunity to invite some friends round for drinks.
But it's not unreasonable for her to say that she does mind.

I think I'd have been inclined to let him-but claim another day instead, maybe tell him he was taking me out the next night.

fascicle · 01/03/2013 14:52

BigPotatoMoths The unreasonable bit is you talking about 'babysitting' your DSD, which makes looking after her sound like a chore or a favour.

diddl · 01/03/2013 15:07

Well he asked, you said no.

Seems churlish to me as you already have "birthday plans"

That said, I would have thought he would have wanted to get home asap to see his daughter anyway.

But as for doing his ex favours-I assume he takes the opportunity of more time with his daughter!

So imo YABU to think that she should "pay him back"!

It's time with his daughter-he's not cleaning out the garage or something!!

Floggingmolly · 01/03/2013 15:10

What Tee said.

flatbread · 01/03/2013 15:17

Diddle,

But it is not time with his dd. DP is out partying.

I think OP has a point. Primary responsibility for dsd falls on her birth parents.

MajaBiene · 01/03/2013 15:22

Well, I don't think in general birthdays should be a big deal for adults.

However, it is a bit much to expect someone to babysit your child on their birthday so you can go out!

CheddarGorgeous · 01/03/2013 15:27

Ordinarily I would tell you that you are an adult and not to be so precious about a birthday, but I understand if it is wrapped up in grieving for your mum.

I am troubled by your attitude towards your DSD, and how you do "favours" to her mum for looking after her. Surely she is a member of your family, not a chore.

And DP is not particularly out partying - he's been invited to a works dinner which will probably be enjoyable but likely to beneficial also?

diddl · 01/03/2013 15:30

Yes, I know, flatbread

I think the main "fault" is with the father for wanting to go out rather than be with his daughter.

But if I had no plans I would probably have done it.

But at least he asked!

adeucalione · 01/03/2013 15:31

I think of DSD as a family member, and wouldn't view it as babysitting really - will your DSD feel sad that you don't want her if her dad isn't there?

Personally I would've 'babysat' and expected DP to make it up to me in quite a major way on another day - I agree with all of the posters who say that celebrating your birthday on the actual day, and getting worked up if you can't, is weird after the age of about 13.

flatbread · 01/03/2013 15:40

Let's be honest, looking after children can be a chore, and looking after someone else's even a bigger one.

OP probably loves dsd, but she is not her mother. In all likelihood, she will have little to no input in major decisions involving dsd, e.g., when to potty train, what school she attends etc. You know, because these decisions should be made by the parents and OP is not her 'mother' (seen this in a gazillion step-parenting threads)

It is too much to ask OP to give up important events to look after dsd, when neither parent is willing too.

I actually think DP was taking the mickey even asking OP and putting her on the spot.

flatbread · 01/03/2013 15:42

And I am old, and I still like to celebrate on my actual birthday. Life can be so difficult, why not celebrate the small milestones?

adeucalione · 01/03/2013 15:53

But she wasn't giving up an important event flatbread - OP had no plans until asked to babysit.

Maybe my perspective is slightly skewed - DP works away a lot and often misses important events (birthdays, anniversaries, valentine's day, mothers' day...) and I carry on quite happily, until we can celebrate on another day. I admit this is unusual, but it makes me unsympathetic to people who are grumpy if they're not able to celebrate on the day. I just think 'big deal'.

I tend to think, from the thread title, that OP suspects she is being a bit childish and, generally, if we feel something in our heart and seek to be persuaded otherwise, it is because it is true.

foreverondiet · 01/03/2013 15:58

YANBU - get a babysitter so you can both go out.

Inertia · 01/03/2013 16:05

Yanbu.

And I don't think you are being unreasonable about your DSD either - you planned to include her in your birthday dinner, it's not as if you have stomped about insisting that she isn't in the house for your birthday. Your DH wanted to change the plans, so the responsibility for making alternative childcare arrangements falls to him. And it sounds like the dinner isn't actual work, it's a jolly to celebrate the end of a conference , so your birthday should take priority.

FWIW, I'd be pissed off if DH spent my birthday having fun doing something else while I did the childcare for my own children - it's the one day a year when adults like to hope that their wishes might not come bottom of the pile.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum - maybe your DH needs to have it spelled out that you have a lot of grief attached to this time of year and would welcome the company and support on your birthday. Feeling dumped on and last in line to be considered on your birthday, when you are already grieving, isn't what anyone in a partnership should have to put up with.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 01/03/2013 16:06

Well, I did think you were BU and v childish about your birthday, but if it has emotional significance then I can understand that you want to be distracted from that.

However I don't think your DP is "taking the mickey" by asking you to look after DSD as pp suggested - you must share a lot of responsibility if caring for her I imagine?

Inertia · 01/03/2013 16:12

But OP did have plans - a family meal together with DH and DSD.

I don't understand the hypocrisy here - the stepmother is criticised for wanting to celebrate her birthday, but the child's father is free to swan about on work jollies and expect the parenting done for him - how come it's ok for him to drop his own daughter? And there is another parent in the equation - but the father refuses to ask for some reciprocal co-operation.

tomverlaine · 01/03/2013 16:21

I think YABU to be honest- its not as if he is ignoring your birthday. But i don't think you are being unreasonable if you were to get a babysitter and go out - and the fact she is your step daughter rather than your birthd daughter shouldn't affect that (other than the birth mum might be a babysitting option)

BackforGood · 01/03/2013 17:01

I also think it's a bit odd to talk about "babysitting dsd" when this is someone who lives with you half her life.

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