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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be cross with DH for shouting at DD?

54 replies

balroymum · 28/02/2013 21:07

I'm just not a shouter (secondary school teacher- patience of a saint sometimes!) DH is not usually a shouter but I know a few times he's felt like it. I had parents' evening tonight so DD came to 'help' at the big school for an hour before parents' evening started and DH picked her up. Basically, she's got a bit of a sore bum and was quite upset about it this morning- wriggling away when I tried to clean it and apply cream. She was a bit upset when she left me at school and cried quite a bit when DH brought her home. She has been a bit clingy lately. I phoned home in a break expecting a nice little chat from my happy 2 year old but she was sobbing her heart out. DH said she was upset and I hung up as he was in the middle of changing her nappy. I could tell he sounded like he was a bit stressed so I just sent him a nice, encouraging text saying don't worry, you're fab, put shrek on and have a chocolate biscuit- that kind of thing. Cue defensive texts from him tellkng me to just leave it. What?! When I got in tonight DD said 'Daddy shouted at me' and looked upset. She then said, 'he screamed at me.' I don't like it. DH said that she wouldn't let him put cream on. I reminded him that she was sore. He got all defensive and said she was rolling all over the place. I am fumin! I need to know if it really is bad or if I'm being unreasonable to expect him to be as patient as me. Okay. Just as I finished typing he comes upstairs. He said he couldn't do it tonight and found it stressgul to cope with all the crying. So is that it done?!

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 28/02/2013 21:55

What do you mean "is that it done"? Do you mean your relationship?

He shouted (according to your 2 year old). Is that really something you would end a relationship over?

Yfronts · 28/02/2013 22:00

I agree the shouting is out of order. I would encourage him to put her in the bath instead, then cream.

TallyGrenshall · 28/02/2013 22:05

Is what done?

He had a bad day, he shouted and it doesn't sound like he is proud of it.

Have you honestly never ever had a godawful day and shouted/stropped/generally threw your metaphorical toys out of the pram? If you haven't, then you are a far far better person than me

minibmw2010 · 28/02/2013 22:09

I have a 20 mth old who kicks out constantly when I change his nappy and at times I shout, it happens. He's her parent too, it's not that bad !!

McNewPants2013 · 28/02/2013 22:11

sometime as a parent you do shout, i never mean to and it a cue i have lost control. I then tend to go to my bedroom have 5 minutes and then say sorry.

SashaSashays · 28/02/2013 22:12

I think if you have such an issue with shouting you should have made that clear from the outset of things. Shouting is quite a common occurrence in parenthood.

I'm aware for some its not, some families do not appear to be shouty, we however are and I don't think it does any particular amount of harm, it probably just took your DD by surprise if its never happened before. If its not something your DH typically does then I would say you can assume he felt really stressed and you should therefore cut him some slack.

YABU to expect everyone to deal with things in the same way as you.

LadyPessaryPam · 28/02/2013 22:12

This sounds bad. I would talk more to your DD.

PeppaFuckingPig · 28/02/2013 22:16

If you'd sent me the text that you'd sent your DH, I would have thought that was very patronising and I would have been fuming with you.
He shouted. It happens.

PeppaFuckingPig · 28/02/2013 22:17

...unless there's more to it, which LadyPessary seems to be implying that there is by saying that you should talk more to your DD.

ExitPursuedByABear · 28/02/2013 22:18

I shout all the time. I am a very shouty person.

Flojobunny · 28/02/2013 22:19

What Peppa said

EverybodysSootyEyed · 28/02/2013 22:21

i shouted at my dd in the exact same scenario. she just would not lie still and kept trying to escape me but her bum was red raw. She stayed still long enough to put the cream on, put nappy on and then we had a cuddle. I shouted out of frustration and stress.

I also wouldn't trust a 2yo to correctly tell you what happened.

Reading between the lines - do you tend to undermine your dh as a parent? the text you sent is quite patronising as it is basically saying 'aw, poor you, take the easy way out by putting the tv on until the real parent gets home'

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy · 28/02/2013 22:22

You shout at your 20 month old mini a 1 year old being shouted at. Thats fucking horrible.

MagicHouse · 28/02/2013 22:23

I think only you can know if this is a problem or not. Of course we all get stressed and shouty from time to time. But of course sometimes certain ways of shouting is unacceptable and scary. Only you know if this is something you need to sort out, or whether he was just having a normal bad day.

aldiwhore · 28/02/2013 22:23

Everyone has a limit, and your texts probably added to his stress levels (they would have mine!) he probably feels shit for shouting, I know I have done in the past. I am quite 'loud' though, so when I've shouted it's ear splitting and horrible... it's happened a handful of times, sometimes there is absolutely no excusing it whatsoever, sometimes it's wrong but the reaction of a human being. If that is 'as bad as it gets' for him then I am not going to label him anything awful, or be hysterical a liken it to beating someone, it is still the right side of the 'line'.

Your DH should apologise to your dd. I found the 'twos' extremely hard, even though I'm loud and am also patient but the toddler years tested that patience and I didn't always win.

He has acknowledged that he struggled to cope tonight. Is he happy at shouting at your dd? If he feels as wretched as I did, then your scorn with be a moot point really, nothing trumps self loathing. Is he usually a good parent? If he is, your scorn and judgement will not help avoid this happening again.

Although I don't 'agree' with anyone 'losing their temper' as it's losing control, I also think that sometimes, it doesn't 'harm' a child to see that their parent has a limit. I realise that could be turned into an excuse for anything (violence and other abuse) but I think where my opinion on this lies is within the remit of an otherwise good parenting spectrum.

aldiwhore · 28/02/2013 22:24

There's shouting and there's screaming in rage. Shouting is simply loud. Screaming in rage is a loss of temper... but even that happens to good people, it's not right should never be 'the way to do it' but it can happen to good parents, I don't think it's unforgiveable.

Cluffyfunt · 28/02/2013 22:25

I would be upset if dh shouted at dd if she was just a bit of a pita because she was under the weather, but I would understand that no ones perfect all the time.
If he's normally fab then its not a big deal imo.

PeppaFuckingPig · 28/02/2013 22:28

WellSlapMyThigh - your judginess is 'fucking horrible'.
Shouting is subjective.
One persons' shouting is another persons' speaking loudly.

I shout. My DD is just coming up for 2.
She's not afraid of me. She's very secure. She's very loved.
I'm a loud, ranty person.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/02/2013 22:29

Is there possibly more to this?

I don't think that the text the OP sent her DH was patronising at all, it was rather sweet really (I'd have told him to get a grip).

Dealing with a two year old is all about calm and persuasion. If she was sore then in this situation he should have left the cream bit out for one evening not hollered at her.

hhhhhhh · 28/02/2013 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PowerPants · 28/02/2013 22:40

Agree with peppa

ClippedPhoenix · 28/02/2013 22:44

Blimey, what the hell is wrong with sending a text to someone that's stressed saying "you're fab, just put on a dvd and have a chocolate buscuit for god sake, it's something I'd say to a friend that was having a hard time.

quesadilla · 28/02/2013 22:46

Can see why you might be upset but unless you think this is the tip of a worse iceberg - and it diesn't sound like that - you have to get it in context. Shouting at kids isn't a great way to resolve things but the vast majority of parents do it from time to time. As long as he's not doing it in an aggressive or spiteful way or very often you need to cut him a bit of slack.

Fakebook · 28/02/2013 22:49

I think your text message sounds patronising. I wouldn't like to read a text like that whilst stressed out. You might have pushed him over the edge with the shouting.

Chandon · 28/02/2013 22:49

Well, I am against shouting at kids, in theory.

But I have defiitely shouted or lost the plot a few times. That age can be tough, and the stress can wear your nerves to shreds.

Amazing that you never shout, but not everybody is that strong.

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