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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be cross with DH for shouting at DD?

54 replies

balroymum · 28/02/2013 21:07

I'm just not a shouter (secondary school teacher- patience of a saint sometimes!) DH is not usually a shouter but I know a few times he's felt like it. I had parents' evening tonight so DD came to 'help' at the big school for an hour before parents' evening started and DH picked her up. Basically, she's got a bit of a sore bum and was quite upset about it this morning- wriggling away when I tried to clean it and apply cream. She was a bit upset when she left me at school and cried quite a bit when DH brought her home. She has been a bit clingy lately. I phoned home in a break expecting a nice little chat from my happy 2 year old but she was sobbing her heart out. DH said she was upset and I hung up as he was in the middle of changing her nappy. I could tell he sounded like he was a bit stressed so I just sent him a nice, encouraging text saying don't worry, you're fab, put shrek on and have a chocolate biscuit- that kind of thing. Cue defensive texts from him tellkng me to just leave it. What?! When I got in tonight DD said 'Daddy shouted at me' and looked upset. She then said, 'he screamed at me.' I don't like it. DH said that she wouldn't let him put cream on. I reminded him that she was sore. He got all defensive and said she was rolling all over the place. I am fumin! I need to know if it really is bad or if I'm being unreasonable to expect him to be as patient as me. Okay. Just as I finished typing he comes upstairs. He said he couldn't do it tonight and found it stressgul to cope with all the crying. So is that it done?!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2013 22:54

So you're not a shouter and he's not usually a shouter.

Your 2 year old informed you he shouted.

Is that it? I'm sorry but it's hardly threadworthy if someone who doesn't usually shout happened to do so when stressed out.

If you genuinely have never shouted, just bide your time because it could well happen.

If/when it does, let's hope your DH shows a little understanding...we're all human after all.

Original poster

balroymum · 28/02/2013 22:57

Oh God! Not leave him! Love him! I meant 'is that it' should I just leave the subject. Sorry for confusion though. Useful to see other people's point of view. Can see now that texts might have come across as interferring and patronising so have apologised to DH. He does feel crap about shouting. I think you have confirmed what I suspected that I'm being a bit harsh. Mind you pepperpig I do find your tone a little confrontational! You do sound quite shouty. I know this is probably going to annoy people but, no I honestly have never 'lost it' and shouted at her. I'm not perfect and I'm not smug. It's just the wsy I am. I love it that DH does his own thing with DD. He's just as much a parent as me and ge's a great one too. It's just the shouting I don't like but no big deal, I guess.

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 28/02/2013 23:02

I don't shout - it's something I despise. I would be pretty cross if this were my dh - but as a very occasional thing I wouldn't make an issue of it. The important thing is that he doesn't think it's OK - it was just a lapse.

Original poster

balroymum · 28/02/2013 23:02

It had already happened Fakebook. Thanks to tnose who said my text was nice- that was my intention! I sound like a bit of pain on the ass on here but I'm not really( or I didn't think so...)

OP posts:

PeppaFuckingPig · 28/02/2013 23:02

I am shouty.
I've already said that I am, right ^^ up there in my previous post.
But good on you for never shouting.

What a boring forum this would be if we all parented in the same way.

ballstoit · 28/02/2013 23:04

If I spend the whole day with DC without leaving the house (if one of themes I'll for example), I get shouty...my DC don't take a blind bit of notice. It doesn't upset them but nor is it in any way effective.

Sometimes being with a tired, little child is frustrating. Even more so if someone else is on the other end of a phone, checking up on you and probably winding the situation up a bit more.

Either you trust your DH to parent his child, or you don't. Just because you don't do it in the same way, doesn't make either of you better or right.

ballstoit · 28/02/2013 23:11

Also, I have an acquaintance who is very proud that she never raises her voice....her DD is 9 now, and has huge problems in expressing her emotions, partly I think because my acquaintance is always very bland when she talks to her. Hope that makes sense (there's every chance it doesn't)

ClippedPhoenix · 28/02/2013 23:17

So it's ok for a man to be shouty is it? really?

I personally can't abide shouty men. To me that smacks of intimidation.

Men have far louder voices and for a man to shout at his two year old is not on it really isn't.

OP, don't apologise for sending an encouraging text.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 28/02/2013 23:18

I don't think it's terrible if you are a 'shouty' parent (though it becomes ineffective over time generally), but I think it's a bit scary for a small child to be shouted at when that's not the norm.

I'd have been cross as well because it sounds as though her bottom was sore and having the cream put on was hurting so she was moving away etc, it's not like she deliberately threw her dinner on the floor or put the cat down the loo is it?

Also, he'd only had her an hour or two, it's not like he'd had her all day and she'd been playing him up all day...

However, he seems to realise that shouting at her isn't the best idea - so yeah, I'd let it lie now.

... and for what it's worth, I totally understand the sentiment behind your text and your intent - but I think if someone was already angry it would seem a bit like 'I know her best, she needs xyz and if you do that she'll be fine' the implication being that he doesn't know her well enough to work that out for himself...(which to be honest, at the time he probably didn't!). It is somehow different than saying the same thing to a friend, because there isn't that implication that you know the child better... I hope that makes sense - it does to me

Tomorrow is a whole new day :)

ClippedPhoenix · 28/02/2013 23:19

Also, how is someone calling to check in to see how their child is bad?

BlackDaisies · 28/02/2013 23:23

Well ok - but personally I don't think you had anything to apologise for. You were just trying to be nice and help, and presumably he knows you well enough to know that. It's a bad habit to get into (apologising to keep the peace). Something obviously bothered you or you wouldn't have posted. All I would say is listen to your instincts, and don't fall back on the old "most of the time he is a fantastic parent" if deep down you think things aren't right.

Not saying your situation is like this, and hope you're not offended. Only speaking as someone who made excuses for many years for someone who actually turned out to be quite a nasty piece of work. But despite this, I trotted out the old "he's nice really/ most of the time he's not like that" for far too long.

pigletpower · 28/02/2013 23:26

So her husband gets 'stressed out' looking after HIS child for what,two hours max? Well,fucking didums. Do you think he could be pulling the 'I'm so crap at this,you do it much better.' one? Like my husband tried to pull re washing up and ironing?

DonderandBlitzen · 28/02/2013 23:32

Shouting all the time = Not good, maybe need to rethink how you are doing things.

Shouting occasionally when at the end of your tether = Forgiveable and most people do it.

ElliesWellies · 28/02/2013 23:39

If he shouts occasionally - well, most people do, it's not great, but it happens. I haven't ever really lost it and screamed at my two year old but I have certainly shouted (as in raised voice telling off).

Those of you being all judgemental - nobody is perfect, you know. You might not shout, but there are probably aspects of your parenting that others would disagree with. That's just life, we're all just human, and we're all different. I'm sure most of us can tell the difference between abuse i.e. someone constantly screaming at, insulting their child, etc etc, and normal, human, frustrated-parent behaviour.

aldiwhore · 28/02/2013 23:41

I think balroymum that if I were to say your text were in some way part of the problem I think I mean that if I am stressed, getting stressed, feel unable to cope with a simple task like putting cream on a sore bottom then a kind word would exacerbate my angst... I already know I am not coping well.

You text certainly wasn't horrible or patronising, but I think it's about how it could be taken rather than how it was intended, of course there's nothing wrong with showing support, but possibly from your DH's PoV at the time, when he was teetering, it may have toppled him? It wasn't a dig per se, I'm not saying it's your fault for the fact your DH shouted.

Glad you're not going to 'leave the bastard' over this

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot puts it better!

It's really VERY humiliating when you lose it, you feel rotten and (if you spend long enough on here) you feel like you are possibly the worst parent to have ever lived and that your child will be irreversibly damaged... that guilt is probably a sign of actually being a fairly decent and human parent no? I wish I had more patience, I ENVY yours!

ClippedPhoenix · 01/03/2013 00:37

How it was "taken" was down to the person who was angry and had lost it at the time not the OP.

I'd be watching him in future as to come on here and speak about it, it isn't the first time is it and it probably won't be the last.

He is the one that needs to apologise to you and your daughter.

Poppet48 · 01/03/2013 03:23

I hate shouting but I admit that I have shouted at my DS before as a last resort and due to frustration, We are human.

Your DH shouted at your DD, Big deal, It happens and I think that you are blowing this way out of proportion.

As for the text, I can tell that you had good intentions when sending it however you do seem very critical to your DH so it could come off as patronising.

Just talk, Say sorry to one another and move on.

Tolly81 · 01/03/2013 04:45

I think rather than an AIBU this situation ought to prompt an honest conversation with your partner - tbh it sounds as if you are a little out of practice at this. I certainly do not advocate shouting particularly not at children as young as 2. However, my mil is someone who never shouts. Good with young dcs. But in her case it also means that she deals with upset by going a bit clipped and silent for a while, then forgetting about it. Problems are not aired in my dh's house and when we were first together he had no idea that people even discussed hard stuff. His parents have a very dysfunctional relationship as all conflict is buried and any disagreement is sucked up by mil. So whilst I applaud the not shouting, do you feel able to discuss things openly? When you say "is that it?" surely thats up to you? You said you were "fuming" - so it probably shouldn't be it. Talk about what happened if you're worried about it, don't just bring it up and immediately apologise.
Also it sounds like you phoned at an inappropriate moment (which could potentially have made the situation worse if he was trying to juggle a wriggling toddler and the phone) then texted which may have been taken the wrong way. Your child is 2 - is it very uncommon for you to leave her with your partner? Do you normally call to check up on him? My dd is 9 mo and frequently looked after by her daddy (eg when I do shift work) so I wouldn't feel the need to do this unless she were ill. It's not clear from your post how often he does look after her but if it is infrequently then why don't you discuss what kind of support he finds helpful? I'm with others in that a call (to check up?) swiftly followed by a text of advice on how to deal with his child does sound as if you don't really expect him to be able to deal with her, which would certainly undermine his confidence if he were already struggling. If you have the patience of a saint, perhaps extend some of it to your dp and have a long think about whether he gets enough opportunity to parent his child without you helicoptering and if not, how can you remedy it (assuming you trust him?).

Original poster

balroymum · 01/03/2013 08:02

Rushing out to work but will read properly later. Thanks

OP posts:

thebody · 01/03/2013 08:03

I think you are both amazing parents. You to have never shouted at a 2 year old and him to be upset that he has.

Noone wants to shout at a child but occasionally it happens.

They arnt made of glass and the occasional shout won't damage them for life...

I suggest you just draw a line, have a lovely weekend with dd and forget it.

DonderandBlitzen · 01/03/2013 09:17

If someone came onto mumsnet and said "My baby wouldn't stop crying whatever i did. It was going on and on and the phone was ringing and I shouted at the baby. I feel awful." Then I'm sure we'd be sympathetic. Would it help to think of it like that?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/03/2013 09:44

Shouting happens.

As long as it isn't a very regular occurrence then I really don't see the problem.

Clipped yes I think it is fine for a father to shout at his child if that child has pushed him to the end of his tether.
My DS2 is not quite 2, and he knows perfectly well when he is being naughty.

I cannot see that 'darling please don't do that you are upsetting Mummy/Daddy' is a better style of parenting because it leads to kids being totally out of hand by age 7-8.

Saski · 01/03/2013 09:56

Blimey. No one wants to shout at a 2 year old, but are they not the most frustrating creatures on the planet? He's human, I'd be throwing some understanding his way lest you lose your temper at some point and be reminded of this episode.

minibmw2010 · 01/03/2013 12:31

Yes I've shouted, because I'm human, because I sometimes get frustrated with DS who I then try and remember must be twice as frustrated with me because at least I can talk and communicate to him. It doesn't happen every day, but it does happen.

That doesn't make me a horrible person or a bad parent (). I'd prefer it not to have happened, of course, but calling me fucking horrible for it is very unfair.

NaturalBaby · 01/03/2013 12:45

'Men have far louder voices and for a man to shout at his two year old is not on it really isn't.' so it's o.k for a woman to shout but not a man?! What kind of message does that teach the child?

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