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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that healthy grandparents who live nearby and who NEVER babysit are mean?

98 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 28/02/2013 13:31

(Hard hat on). I am lucky with my dad; he does an odd bit of babysitting and is great with dd. He works full time so he dosn't have her for sleepovers , however this weekend he is having her over for a night so that I can go out my new man. However, I have a few friends whose parents are fit, healthy, living in the locality but never babysit except for once in a blue moon and then it's on their terms. For example; one friend dosn't really get on with her mum yet her mum moved 2 minutes away and dodn't like sitting. Another friend's parents got teased by their mates for never sitting and offered to help her out provided she cooked them dinner. She told em to forget it. I generally ask my dad to have my dd over for sleep overs otherwise I have to be back by 10pm and I feel like a teen with a curfew> Not that I am grumbling as I am luckier than most. I know we shouldn't take our parents for granted and we should let them enjoy theoir retirement but surely grandparents enjoy spending time with the grandchildren and that babysitting once a fortnight or month shouldn't be too much hard work...especially if said grandchildren are in bed. I have treasured memories of spending whole aftrenoons with my granpy. Ok, they only had me overnight occasionally but the times when he sat down with me for hours and made things like fairy wings and cradboard theatres will live with me forever and we had a great realationship because of it. (sorry return key broken so no paragraphing)

OP posts:
BumBiscuits · 28/02/2013 14:16

PS It helps that my dad also has kids the same age as mine, therefore he just adds my kids to his and everyone mucks in. I often have my wee brother and sister to stay over with us too.

HeySoulSister · 28/02/2013 14:16

How is a grandparent spending time with a grandchild if they are in bed !! Confused

DoubleMum · 28/02/2013 14:17

I think having their grandchildren overnight every fortnight is very different to just doing the odd bit of babysitting. Yes I hope my PILs, who live near us but still work fulltime, would babysit on occasion - they will do next month when we need to go to parents' evening. And sometimes they will offer to have the DCs overnight on a Saturday - perhaps 3 times a year.
Thinking back, neither set of grandparents ever babysat my sis and me, though we were fairly close to one set.

perceptionreality · 28/02/2013 14:19

YANBU - some people are very selfish.

BumBiscuits · 28/02/2013 14:24

Why is it selfish? To some people, kids are like farts...your own are okay.

Davsmum · 28/02/2013 14:26

Ha ha - I agree Bumbiscuits - I think its selfish to expect people to do what you want!

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 28/02/2013 14:26

I can understand grandparents thinking "I don't like babysitting, the kids are in bed and its boring and inconvenient, I'd rather see the children when the parents are there to look after them". But to refuse to do something that you can easily do, that makes such a huge difference to your adult child's life, is a bit selfish.

What happens when those same grandparents get older and need their adult children to do stuff for them? Is it ok if they get the response "no, I don't want to help you out, its boring and inconvenient, I'll just visit and chat and go home again"?

Some families help each other out and some dont. It works both ways though.

cantspel · 28/02/2013 14:27

Yes selfish to expect someone else to look after your kids.

And i am very close to my family so it doesn't mean you are not close just because you dont want to babysit.

Davsmum · 28/02/2013 14:29

Bertha
I reckon those who expect their own parents to babysit their kids are probably the type of people who won't be arsed helping them out when they are elderly.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2013 14:29

When you hire a babysitter you still have to be back by a certain time, like a teenager with a curfew, as you put it.

nailak · 28/02/2013 14:33

But to refuse to do something that you can easily do, that makes such a huge difference to your adult child's life, is a bit selfish.

Yes but if your healthy parents work full time and long hours in stressful jobs, and have less energy as they are older, isnt it selfish to ask them to babysit?

My dcs spend time with my mum regularly, i go with them. Coz she dont baby sit doesnt mean she doesnt want to spend time with them, they have a great relationship. I would never ask any of my family too babysit all my kids at once. It is hard work for us. It would be even harder for them.

Wewereherefirst · 28/02/2013 14:34

Why is it mean though? They're family not a babysitting service.

Snowgirl1 · 28/02/2013 14:35

YABU. Grandparents don't get any choice in whether or not they become grandparents, so it seems pretty unreasonable to expect support from them for a role they had no choice about. If they want to help out, great. If they choose not to, well bad luck but you can't complain about it.

WhatsTheBuzz · 28/02/2013 14:37

yabu, your parents wouldn't regularly pay your bills to 'help you out', why
should they be expected to look after your children, did they ask you to
have them???

Cluffyfunt · 28/02/2013 14:40

I think it's sad that some gps don't want to look after dc.

I had one set (dfs dps) who loved having my sister and I sleep over when we were little (and even now!) and I would move heaven and earth for them, I love them so much!
My dms dps were not as demonstrative with us and they have always just been other old people to my sis and I.
I suppose you reap what you sow.

My dm would make such a drama out of babysitting (constantly letting me down last min, expecting the moon on a stick diva'ish carry on) that I don't bother with her.
My pil on the other hand are just lovley with our dc and are loved back Smile

RedHotRudieParts · 28/02/2013 14:44

Yanbu.

And a lot of very elderly people whose family no longer bother with them should have a good think about the reasons why imo

Cluffyfunt · 28/02/2013 14:45

Davsmum
I won't be chucking my mil in a home that's for sure!
*My dm can whistle if she wants me to care for her.

*disclaimer
Not just about babysitting

KellyElly · 28/02/2013 14:47

You will get many people saying why should grandparents baby sit etc etc. Personally I find that strange. If you have a good, non toxic relationship with your parents they should want to help their own child and give them a break once in a while and also to spend time with their grandchildren. That's what being a family is all about. Depending on their age/circumstances/social life etc, overnight babysitting may be a big ask, but helping out in the school holidays, an evening, a few hours at the weekend etc shouldn't be too much to ask your own/partners parents.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 28/02/2013 14:51

Tricky.
MIL lives nearby and does a lot generally to help us as a family sometimes unwanted and I know that she feels like she does help with babysitting. She babysat on Saturday so we could go out. But actually, the last time that happened was November... so it's not exactly frequent.
She doesn't work but she is busy, so I guess it feels like she gives up a reasonable proportion of her free time, whereas we both feel like we hardly ever get a break. Would never say anything though.

MissLurkalot · 28/02/2013 14:58

YES!
Mine live locally and are out gallivanting around the world enjoying their retirement. I am happy for them.
But, they show very little interest in us as a family.
Yes, they're generous with birthdays and Christmas.. We get a text and a card with money in or ask what present they can get for the kids, so they're not all bad,
But.... I yearn for my children to know them... To have a relationship with them.
All we get is occasional texts from wherever they are, and when they are here, they're with their friends. We will arrange to have a coffee, of lunch, and catch up every once in a while, but my children aren't there.
I am sad and cry about this on behalf of my children.
I don't want them to babysit or have them over night... I don't need help.
We can manage, but I just desperately want my babies, my lovely babies, to know their grandparents.

barbarianoftheuniverse · 28/02/2013 15:08

We all forget how unenchanting our kids are to other people. We get deceived by the birthday presents, kind enquiries, always-positive school reports, veneer of civilization. But underneath it all, to the rest of the world, they're somebody elses kids. Young grandparents have just got off the child-cycle themselves and probably don't want to start again. Old ones are knackered. I'll probably baby sit because I'll remember what it was like in my own child rearing time. But I won't be counting it a blessing. The shine quickly wears off babies and toddlers when you're responsible for them.

ThatBintAgain · 28/02/2013 15:15

YANBU.

Think about it from this perspective then; if you happen to live round the corner from your grown up DC in years to come, and they've got children and you know that they are struggling and never get any time to themselves, would you sit back and just let them get on with that? I can't imagine treating my children that way and I do think it's mean.

NinaHeart · 28/02/2013 15:33

I'm a grandmother and my granddaughter (and daughter) live over 300 miles away, so casual babysitting is out. However, I have booked annual leave and gone to look after her when I'm needed.

if I lived nearer though, regular babysitting wouldn't be much of a possibility as I work very long hours in a responsible and stressful job so wouldn't be available for weeknight sitting or day care.

Don't we all do what we can within the boundaries of our owen feelings and abilities?

Calling GPs "mean" just sounds unpleasant to me.

They are your children, you chose to have them and I don't suppose the grandparents got a lot of say in that.

Pandemoniaa · 28/02/2013 15:41

I can't imagine not spending time with dgd or not babysitting whenever possible. But then ds2 and ddil would never assume that this is my job which makes me all the more willing to help. My own dm lived across the Irish Sea and I know my dcs missed out on the closeness that I'm so lucky to have with my dgd.

However, I do get more than a little irritated when age and retirement is cited as a possible justification for not being more involved. That may be the case in some families but not all of us grandparents are doddery old dears who are shuffling grumpily through our sunset years. In my case I work and have a very active social life. So I'll always babysit when possible but can't always promise that I'll be free.

Moominsarescary · 28/02/2013 15:45

I can't understand it but then I stayed with my gp and ggp as a child and have lovely memories.

My dm will look after my little ones if asked, the older 2 she has over night once a week even though she works full time.

My grandparents looked after ds1 while I worked and have ds2 when needed but are to old now to look after toddlers or newborns.