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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my DH to email or text me about his work plans?

23 replies

grants1000 · 27/02/2013 19:55

Just so I know whether to include him in dinner/food plans, lock the back gate etc. His schedule changes and sometimes he tells me, then it changes so it's wrong. Just a quick 3-5 word email or text "won't be home til about 8ish tonight" "London on Tuesday now not wednesday" Like tonight I want to do a fitness class at 8.30pm, do I put on my trainers or my slippers, is he going to be back or not? I have my work, kids, house etc to think about and I would just like it written down so it's not another thing to remember, my brain is fil enoigh!

How fucking hard is it? He's not a secret agent or a brain surgeon or David Cameron.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2013 20:32

Seems like a perfectly reasonable request. Is he reluctant to do so?

KatyTheCleaningLady · 27/02/2013 20:36

YANBU.

baileysmam · 27/02/2013 20:37

Ha ha oooh i know this one well.Unfortunately the male of the species don't always seem to see the need or even just usefulness of just 'knowing where you stand'? Also sometimes they only really realise or get the point when they're in the same boat. The slippers/trainers scenario is rotten for you, just waiting to see what YOUR doing!! No it's not unreasonable at all to ask for a quick message letting you know. Otherwise you might just have to lock the gate and when he's fighting to get in you can smile sweetly and say 'oh, when i hadn't heard anything i thought you wouldn't be home'!! Same goes for meals!! Maybe a discrete point needs to be made if all else fails :)

mrsjay · 27/02/2013 20:40

bet he is a secret agent but cant tell you he is on secret missions

Yanbu he should at least text you to let you know My dh works weird hours and oncall and he never ever texts to say he will be late or where he is , he will when I moan about it then He forgets a week later, IT TAKES 2 SECONDS

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 27/02/2013 20:40

Assuming you've asked him, just assume he's not in and don't cook, lock the gate etc? I would be annoyed, I thinkit's normal to say whether you're in or out & rough ETA. We both do that here, just general timings.

dreamingbohemian · 27/02/2013 20:41

Can we please stop with the 'men just don't get it' riff?

Because men do get it. Selfish people, however, don't.

YANBU and your DH is seriously inconsiderate if he refuses to do this.

Jinsei · 27/02/2013 20:42

Yanbu to expect a text if plans change. Everything else should be written on the kitchen calendar at the start of the week!

mrsjay · 27/02/2013 20:43

Can we please stop with the 'men just don't get it' riff?

I never said men dont get it my dh is just inconsiderate and forgetful and a bit of an arse he gets it he just doesnt think

baileysmam · 27/02/2013 20:56

Dont think this just applies to men, however it's 'usually' the ladies who are juggling the work, kids, house etc, so lack of information/communication probibly affects them most. As folks have pointed out it's a lack of consideration and it's not soo hard, so as said earlier perhaps a little point needs to be made. Yeah lock the gate, and don't cook. Perhaps a bit of inconvenience might get the point across !!

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2013 20:56

You are definitely being short-changed in comparison to some of the posters on this thread OP.

freddiefrog · 27/02/2013 21:02

YANBU

DH and I had this, I just want to know a) do you need feeding and b) roughly what time will you be home. I have a life too and am not acting as cook/cleaner/baby sitter while he conducts his life without so much as a by-your-leave

We now have a rule, if it ain't on the calendar, it ain't happening

dreamingbohemian · 27/02/2013 21:03

sorry mrsjay, I was actually responding to bailey's post about how men just don't seem to get it

I do agree with you though bailey that this problem affects women more, I just think it's letting men off the hook to say 'oh it's a man thing'

None of my partners/boyfriends have ever been like this, except for one who was a total nightmare in many other ways.

Basically I think it's just really rude to expect your partner to revolve around your life but not keep them posted on what you're doing

MortifiedAdams · 27/02/2013 21:20

Aegh I would get annoyed at this too!

Can you, on nights when you have a class; text and say "dont forget I have XX tonight so will need you back about eight?" I dont see why you have to offer him 100% flexibility and he doesnt have to offer any in return.

livinginwonderland · 27/02/2013 22:03

yanbu. my boyfriend does this and it's so annoying! we're long distance and it really frustrates me when he doesn't just text to say his plans have changed so i don't worry! all i ask is a quick text, you'd think i was asking him to write out the magna carta!

Original poster

grants1000 · 28/02/2013 14:14

The other thread is the opposite - hilarious!

Even if I did text him to remind him I was doing something and needed to go out, he'd forget, or his meeting/journey would run over time etc etc, his job pays the mortgage so in his mind it always comes first no matter what, I can actually see him thinking "it's only a step class cool your boots" So doesn't get it. He's back from London today/tonight, fuck knows when, so there are three baked pots only for me and DC's ready to go and I will eat with the children, lock the back gate and get into bed and start to read my new book!

Fuck him!

OP posts:

Slumberparty · 28/02/2013 15:51

Yes it's not fair to keep you wondering. Do you both have iPhones? If so you can 'share' a calendar. When one of you updates or changes something on it, the other will get an alert to tell them. This is what I and DP do as his work schedule is always changing.

firesidechat · 28/02/2013 16:12

Last night I got a text from husband to say "home at 8.15". When he came through the door I asked if he could let me know every night. So useful when you're deciding what time to cook.

Before this he would spontaneously let me know about twice a year! Room for improvement I think.

baileysmam · 01/03/2013 17:31

Oh believe me dreamingbohemian i would hate anyone to think that because i said that some men just dont seem to see the need or the usefulness of knowing where we stand it's letting them off the hook. I said that simply because it's a fact, a lot of them just dont bloody get it (poor wee souls it must be sooo difficult for them...... said very tongue in cheek)!!! It's bloody annoying AND there is absolutely no excuse for not taking 30 seconds out to do your partner the courtesy of letting them know what your doing as ultimately it affects what we're doing.It's like their time is so much more important than their other halves. I think grants1000 has got the right idea, continue what your doing without factoring him in. When he's stood outside the locked gate, who knows it """might""" just dawn on him he could have/should have let you know what the hell he was doing. It's just a pity you've missed putting them trainers on and going to the fitness class.

dreamingbohemian · 01/03/2013 22:31

Ah so we do agree bailey

OP your husband is a real jerk, if that's his attitude. So his job pays the mortgage, well you take care of his children and run the house. If it weren't for you, he'd either have to pay a fortune in childcare or quit his job.

Okay fine, work is more important than a step class... but work isn't more important than you. He should still be respectful to you and your time, and at least make an effort to get home so you can have a life too sometimes, not forget all the time.

Is there any way to get through to him?

Iaintdunnuffink · 02/03/2013 00:00

Yanbu

Back in my SAHM days he would text to tell me is estimated times, sometimes it helped to decide what was cooked. If I had a class he would take it into account and would respond to any texts. We both now work and still regularly check times by text.

MrsSpagBol · 02/03/2013 07:52

Being locked out isinfuriating. I.e.very effective. So dont cook and lock the gate.

But when he arrives be prepared for the annoyance of having to go out and let him in, also for the fact that he will be annoyed at being locked out and be even grumpier when there's no food.

So just don't get dragged into a blazing row. Short sentences : i locked the gate as you didnt let me know your plans. Next time let me know what you are doing. Same re dinner - this is not a restaurant. Then walk away.

Just speaking from experience.

On the plus side, I now get a text everyday without fail.

OrangeLily · 02/03/2013 08:03

Could you try:

DH: 'I'll be home late tonight"
You:" OK I won't cook you any dinner to tonight. What child care have you arranged whilst I'm out at my step- class?"

And repeat.

No dinner and no wife/skivvies on call.

It's disrespectful to you to treat you like he can waltz in whenever. This would be the same if it was a man or a woman.

baileysmam · 02/03/2013 15:37

Haha dreamingbohemian we certainly do!! Men can be such arses, then they look baffled when something entirley resonable is pointed out to them. Or then they do the 'turning it round on you' game.
Your spot on when you say the bloke can only go to work to pay the mortgage cos he's got good child care at home. Yes he can only go out, doing the extra hours/ climbing the career ladder BECAUSE he has the house & the kids sorted. They say women can have it all. I totally disagree, we bloody can't cos we've always to think of the kids, and lets face it if we can't look after them, we have to bloody well sort someone else to do it. Then if we have to pay for said care!!!! No, it's a mans sodding world. If we're lucky we'll get a considerate one. If not, we have to teach em...........

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