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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect the washing up to be done properly by people coming round to "help"?!

62 replies

Janberryxx · 26/02/2013 21:13

I've got baby twins and a four-year-old. I'm extremely lucky to have four helpers coming on different days throughout the week, two of whom are my parents. But they all leave large clods and smears of food on the washing up they are supposed to have done. I have to chuck about a third of the dishes back into the washing up bowl to be done again by DH when he gets home from work. It makes us both want to scream! It's disgustingly unhygienic.
I can't bring myself to re-educate them, I find that far too awkward and yet when I insist they leave the washing up, they insist on "helping".
WHAT CAN WE DO?!!

OP posts:

Mspontipine · 26/02/2013 22:02

YOu made me laugh OP though by saying you have to pick through them for your DH to do!! If I were doing that I'd do them myself!! Obviously your DH's washing up is good enough for you. Hurrah for him

dreamingbohemian · 26/02/2013 22:02

Oh FGS people, read the OP, she does tell them not to do the dishes but they do them anyway.

OP -- YANBU. For the life of me I will never understand people who leave food on dishes, it's beyond minging.

Nothing to do with 'everyone does dishes differently' -- if you are leaving food on them, then you are actually not doing the dishes at all. I mean, why bother?

Unfortunately I don't think you can really do anything. Maybe do the dishes before they come so they literally cannot do them.

revolvenotevolve · 26/02/2013 22:07

I think the op is getting a hard time here ! She has baby twins and another child. That just makes me tired writing that.
OP - I would say "Helper x Im quite picky about washing up because of the risk of salmonella so it's important to me that the dishes are superclean and have a final rinse after the initial scrub (say scrub with emphasis) to ensure any bits don't stick on " (then if feeling particularly brave I would hold up a dish they had done badly as an example. )
Or go about it ibm a more subtle way of your 'friend' who has 'partner' who doesn't wash up properly and they ended up really ill or highly embarrassed when their guests came round etc

HorryDrelincourt · 26/02/2013 22:12

YANBU.

My parents have had a dishwasher for twenty years. They are incapable of washing up. I used to say "oh no really, don't put yourself out" but now I explicitly say "don't you dare wash up " and they don't.

It's worse than not doing it at all, because it pollutes everything else in the cupboard or drawer and if it is something you don't use terribly often (like a ladle maybe) it can be weeks before you notice.

The least helpful help I was given, though, was with DC1 when very small and still cluster feeding. My food would go cold if I had to feed him, so DM would "kindly" reheat it for me. Then it would be too hot, so I'd have to wait for it to cool down again ... by which time he'd wake for another feed. In the end I begged her possibly between sobs to just leave it. I'd rather have it cold now than hot and totally dried out in five hours' time.

faulkernegger · 26/02/2013 22:26

YANBU. Nothing worse than finding congealed food on supposedly clean plates. You're lucky your DH does it 'properly'. My OH is rubbish - can't even get plates clean in the dishwasher!

midastouch · 26/02/2013 22:30

I thought everyone had a dishwasher now days, i cant remember how many years its been since i washed up by hand, perhaps theyve forgotten how?

aldiwhore · 26/02/2013 22:39

This seems quite simple to me.

If you don't like the level of 'help' you're getting, then pretend they haven't done the dishes, make it your DH's chore... his chore will be quicker (cleaner dirty dishes) your helpers feel like they're helping, the dishes still get done. OR do the dishes before they arrive.

Being very harsh, you did the crime, you do the time (had babies) no one said it would be easy, 'help' in any form is a bonus, even if it's unhelpful and annoying.

YANBU to find it irritating, but YWBU to complain too strongly.

I suspect a strong routine is called for, so that eventually the helpers have nothing to do at all!

Being slightly more fair, I was totally useless with anything other than 'baby' in the first few months of both my childs' lives, and DH dealt with all other aspects of life, not to my standards, but he did it and I won't complain. My mother's help is rarely helpful either. Do invest in a dishwasher, they're fabbo. Then you can rely on 'help' to stack it incorrectly, and put it away in completely illogical order.

Yfronts · 26/02/2013 22:42

It's hard enough getting the dishes done with one small baby if they are of the high needs variety - never mind twin small babies and a toddler. Blimey!

I think people have clearly forgotten how exhausting and all consuming having new borns is.

princessx · 26/02/2013 22:43

YANBU I've had the same prob with my mum and mil- even when I had dishwasher mil wouldn't use it. She washed up with hardly any detergent and a greasy oily sink full of food and gravy eughhhh.

Nothing I said would stop her, think she thought she was helping me save money or something, but it just meant I had a half full load in dishwasher each time.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 26/02/2013 22:50

But if op isn't going to do the dishes and they would be left for her dh - well they have saved her dh having to wash two thirds of the dishes

Look for the positives!

Shallishanti · 26/02/2013 23:03

YADNBU and I had similar myself (baby twins+toddler) tho it wasn't washing up it was drying the washing (which where we are has to be done the right way or doesn't dry)...so my suggestion would be have other, very specific acheivable tasks that your helpers ARE capable of and ask them to just scrape the plates and leave to soak 'it's more efficient to do it all in one go at the end of the day'
eg they can shop/hoover/amuse older child/cook...
it IS kind of them to help and you SHOULD be grateful, but in your position you don't have to put up with people making extra work on a regular basis

HazeltheMcWitch · 26/02/2013 23:18

Oh,OP I do sympathise!
I think YABU to expect the washing up to be done 'properly' - but only because - as has been said above - there is a huge variation in washing up standards!
YANBU to want the washing up to be done hygienically!

I don't know what the answer is re washing up - I speak as someone whose parents also like to wash up in lukewarm swamp water (hold the bubbles).

Can you just not mention the washing up, but invent other jobs that you really really need help with? LAundry/ironing/cleaning bathrooms etc - or just childcare, as has been said above? You can get creative and jazz up the lie a bit... "oh, since having the twins, my wrists seem really week, and it hurts to iron now ' etc

Floggingmolly · 26/02/2013 23:24

Why do you think the four people were specifically coming round to "help", rather than just to see the baby? Did they actually say so?

SirBoobAlot · 27/02/2013 00:41

Washing up is something that everyone does to different levels. My mum helpfully did my washing up today... BUT she always leave the cutlery in the bowl whilst washing the rest, then rinses them over. Never actually wipes them etc. Makes me shudder. I thanked her profusely for her help as it meant a lot... Then re-did the cutlery once she had left

Then again, I also wash cutlery before I use it again, so maybe I'm just a bit nuts

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 27/02/2013 00:43

0/10

ProtegeMoi · 27/02/2013 02:31

Bloody hell, 4 helpers?
What do I have to do to get that, I'll take the crap washing up over nothing.

Emilythornesbff · 27/02/2013 07:08

YANBU.
I am go smacked at other ppl's ineptitude over a simple task.
If they insist on helping maybe ask them to do something else.
Congratulations on your babies.

Squeakygate · 27/02/2013 07:23

Maybe your parents cannot see as well as they used to be able to?

TwelveLeggedWalk · 27/02/2013 08:38

Crikey there's a lot of jealousy on this thread.
Read any advice on having multiples and the one thing that jumps out is Get Some Help. There a million reasons why she might need help, or why her family might want to help, not sure that was really the point of the thread!

FellatioNels0n · 27/02/2013 08:49

YANBU. This is one of my bugbears. (I have many, along similar themes)

My IL's always did the same. They'd insist on helping, but make such a hash of washing up (combination of elderly eyesight and being a bit pissed, usually) that I would really rather they left it alone. As soon as they have gone home I have to empty the cupboards and do it all again. I wouldn't mind but I have a dishwasher.

Dishwashers are 'too much bother' though, apparently. MIL is obsessed with just giving everything a 'rinse'. If it's a glass or a mug it doesn't need a proper wash apparently, just a 'quick rinse.' So I get smeary glasses where you can still see lip marks, and mugs where you can still see the line of coffee round the edge.

FellatioNels0n · 27/02/2013 08:51

Nothing to do with 'everyone does dishes differently' -- if you are leaving food on them, then you are actually not doing the dishes at all. I mean, why bother?

I agree.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/02/2013 09:02

I was surprised when DH did some washing up recently what a bad job he made of it, especially the plates, particularly as he's quick to criticise mine. He doesn't like anything dried with a tea towel. So, he's fussy but in a different way

BourbonsandTea · 27/02/2013 09:04

Offer them a sandwich on one of the plates they've ''washed''

ClairesTravellingCircus · 27/02/2013 09:18

I don't understand the vitriol on this thread, I imagine it can only be jealousy..

OP I'm agraid the only answer is to try and get them to 'help' with something else, and do the dishes yourself. (Or get a dishwasher, with 3 kids you'll need it )

Oh and congrats on your twins (mine are 12 months old and still not sleeping, hope yours are better)

RiffyWammal · 01/03/2013 12:14

A lot of people on this thread have mentioned a dishwasher as a solution, but my DM has been loading my dishwasher lately as I have a chronic illness and there are still dirty plates etc in my cupboards - I went to make a cup of tea yesterday and the cup that she had put in the dishwasher and put back in the cupboard was caked in dried hot chocolate! She also puts dried-on scrambled egg pans in and expects them to come out clean, when all that happens is some of the egg is moved around the rest of the washing but most of it stays stuck on. I don't know if I have a crap dishwasher (in fact it's my second and they've both been like this) but you can't put dried on food in there and expect it to come out clean.

I don't want to seem churlish by mentioning it, but it is really annoying. I don't know if it's because of her failing eyesight (which she's in denial about) or what, because she does have a dishwasher of her own!

I think if you really want to help someone you have to ask them how they like things done, or actually you're not helping at all.

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