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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Young boy committed suicide due to bullying.

61 replies

Lynned · 26/02/2013 08:49

In light of the above, whose parents were on Gmtv this morning, aibu to send this message to my Ds' bully.

'What you are doing to Ds on Xbox live is called cyber bullying. It is nasty, and how would you feel to be on the receiving end? I thought you lot were all mates, but sadly it all seems to have gone wrong. If it carries on I will dial 101 and get advice from the police. If it goes on at school I will contact your house master. Feel free to show this to your parents, but somehow I don't think you will. Think about it please, and go back to being the nice chap I know you really are.'

They are 11, and were friends at primary school. I appreciate friendship groups shift, but on Sunday night my Ds was almost physically sick about going back to school. They basically name call, especially as he likes to play Skylanders when they all play Cod. He has cod too, as I caved in to the pressure, andhe plays it at friends houses anyway. I have told him to block the name callers, but apparently they then can join in a game he is playing with another friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lynned · 26/02/2013 09:59

Menai, I think that is what he is afraid of, his Ds in trouble at school. The school have already dealt with him once, when my Ds ran away from school because of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lynned · 26/02/2013 10:00

Zzz, that's the problem , I have no evidence, apart from what my Ds has said.

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/02/2013 10:02

Personally I wouldn't go to the police but continue talking mainly to the school and also, depending how things go, possibly with the parents especially as you know them quite well. But I wouldn't accept any threatening behaviour from them, and I wouldn't make them any promises about what I'd say to whom, or how I'd go forwards with sorting this out for DS.

threesypeesy · 26/02/2013 10:05

sorry to hear this is happening and yanbu to want it sorted but i would react the same as the dad i dont think you should have made any contact with this child as it will come back on you worse im afraid threatening a child with the police is still threatening a child imo. I really hope you get this horrible situation sorted and i would stick to school, the childs parents or police it needed

our dds school had a simillar incident one child bullying another. the parent of bullied child approached the bullying child and demanded it stopped school now are takining the bullying child side as a child needs defended more from an adult in there eys

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 26/02/2013 10:07

Do not worry about not having evidence.

Speak to the school, name names. Act openly and clearly. It makes everyone's job easier.

Maryz · 26/02/2013 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChimpParadox · 26/02/2013 10:09

Not your job to have the evidence - you now this is going on - you make the complaint - let the school and or police investigate and get the evidence.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/02/2013 10:09

But it shouldn't be a case of the school taking sides really should it ?
They should be able to deal with both issues if they feel there are two issues, though I think OP's message to boy was reasonably OK

Original poster
Lynned · 26/02/2013 10:09

My message did say I would get advice from the community police, but I can see why that would worry a child. That was partly my intention, so he would stop. Part of me isn't sorry, if you could see the distress he has caused my Ds and the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lynned · 26/02/2013 10:12

Maryz, the bullying has been in person as well. I think I will let the school deal with it, I have advised his form teacher that some bullying has been going on, Ds is unhappy, and could he speak to the pastoral care, or whatever they call it these days.

OP posts:
threesypeesy · 26/02/2013 10:15

bullying can go to far and it can lead to some terrible situations but now your aware of it you can moniter it. also as previously said maybe take him off line or use your phone to collect evidence of whats happening as if you take this further i can see the parents using your text against you.

also i totally understand why you sent message and how you must be feeling but im sure most parents do not want another adult going over ther head and approaching there child

Maryz · 26/02/2013 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2013 10:16

What makes me sad here is that so many people think it is wrong for another adult to dare to reprimand their child. What is so bad about another parent telling your little darling off?

If I had been bollocked by another parent, you can be damn sure my parents would have given me a second bollocking twice as severe, not gone round to have a go at the parent who had told me off.

Original poster
Lynned · 26/02/2013 10:27

Thank you squeaky toy, it's not like my message threatened to go and knock his block off- much as I would like to. I just warned him that I would take it further. I didn't want to contact his parents, so they weren't upset, and he wasn't in trouble. I gave him the opportunity for it not to go that far.

OP posts:
JenaiMorris · 26/02/2013 10:28

squeaky I think this is different to ticking off a group of children for climbing on parked cars or something. I have no problem with telling off other people's children in those and similar curcumstances.

The one-to-one nature of a message like that is where it strays into the Not-OK.

I feel mean saying that here as obviously it's a bit late now that it's happened already. I'm not trying to have a go at the OP.

Lafaminute · 26/02/2013 10:34

I don't understand why you all continue to let your CHILDREN play Xbox live.....they are children and it is your job as their parents to protect them and yet you are letting them expose themselves to cyber bullying because it would "break their hearts" ???? Shock Shock Shock
Well, it'll break your heart if your child is ever driven to drastic measures because of the effects of cyber bullying......
I am shocked!

squeakytoy · 26/02/2013 10:35

I cant see this as "not ok" though. The OP was polite, didnt swear or threaten him, and gave him the opportunity to make amends without it going further.

Clearly this kid knows that his parents will back him up even though he is a nasty little bully... :(

Original poster
Lynned · 26/02/2013 10:43

I can see what you are saying about x box live. The purpose of it is so they can play games together. I had no idea this would happen. It is a sad word we live in. I have not felt this low for a long time.

OP posts:
rainbowrainbowrainbow · 26/02/2013 10:48

Lynn I think you need to see it from other parents pov.
Would you be happy for a parent to without your knowledge send you r son a message that might frighten him?
Wouldn't you want to know if your child was being a bully?
Regardless of your feelings towards the boy, he is a child, and I really don't think what you did was the best course of action.
If you had seen the boy actually do/say something in your presence that's one thing, but you didn't.

I hope things better for your ds soon, as a mother to a child who was mercilessly bullied I know how upsetting it can be.
My ds was younger, when it happened I invited the boy over for tea killed him with kindness and it all calmed down. Sadly the boy had a tragically awful home life which explained a lot about his behaviour Sad

differentnameforthis · 26/02/2013 10:54

If your son is to the point of being almost physically sick about going back to school, what have you done so far to stop this happening?

As parents, we need to stop being passive & hoping that "it sorts itself out" because it never does.

Locketjuice · 26/02/2013 10:56

My other plays COD and its ridiculously violent maybe that's a something to look at.

My nephews played it, my sister no realising how bad it was and couldn't work out why they suddenly started swearing at each other and being violent until she actually watched them play and what it contained and then it clicked they were linked. Took the game away and its stopped.

Maryz · 26/02/2013 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lynned · 26/02/2013 11:11

Rainbow, I can see what you are saying. It was probably the police bit that did it. If I had left that out, do you think my message was acceptable?

OP posts:
greenfolder · 26/02/2013 11:21

i do not think that what you did was wrong AT ALL.

I did a similar thing. I gave the child the chance to stop before it went further. It worked once, it didnt another time. This was bullying by bb and text. with the child that continued, i just used it as further evidence that the child knew exactly what they were doing, they had been told to stop but continued. i took it to the school and told them i would take it to the police if it did not cease.

please do not beat yourself up- take it to the school and let them deal with it as far as they are able. dont know much about x box but can you block people, only let certain ones on? or just switch off the online bit and play against the computer?

shewhowines · 26/02/2013 11:25

I can't see what the problem is with the text TBH. It wasn't threatening. It outlined the situation and gave the child permission to show their parents. It also ended on a positive note about the child being basically a nice child.

It was a chance for the child to address the situation before it was escalated to school/parents and could potentially have saved the child getting into further trouble.

Put that behind you now. The parents are aware. Get the school involved. Explain the above to both and ask how you move on from here.

I agree that you need recorded evidence so voice record/video DS when he plays on it. Would probably be better if he stops xbox live altogether though.

Keep on at the school and insist on them sorting the problem out at school - involving meetings with bullies parents too. Not sure what they can do about the xbox; that's outside school. Perhaps reiterate to the parents that you will take that to the police if it doesn't stop but i'd stop xbox live first I think, so remove that problem.