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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday and NOT take DD?

128 replies

akaWisey · 24/02/2013 17:16

I haven't had a holiday for 6 years. I haven't had a holiday without DC's for even longer. I haven't EVER had a holiday with a RL friend.

I'm 53 and divorced for 2 years. I had to sell the family home to enable ext to fund a private 6th form course that my DD and her DF arranged between themselves. I now live in a rented house and I have equity for another house if I can raise a mortgage (at my age, WTAF). I am saving towards that too. I work very hard F/T and always have done.

My friend says it's been a long hard slog for me and she wants us to book a holiday in Zanzibar for later this year. It looks fab. I want to go. But I think my DD will be angry and upset that 1. I'm not taking her as well (despite her preferring to spend all her spare time with her partner and/or friend) 2. I have said I can't afford to pay insurance on a car she wants to buy.

So AIBU if I just book this holiday? Or am I selfish?

OP posts:
ComposHat · 24/02/2013 21:52

But yes, go and YANBU. I would also run down. stocks of food before you go. if she can drive don't leave the keys to the car if she has to cook, clean and provide transport for herself for a fortnight it may be the kick up.the arse she needs.

ImperialBlether · 24/02/2013 21:55

OK well I'd like to say something here!

I think it's unfair if you have a holiday and she doesn't! So I'd say to her that you are both going to have a holiday and you will give her £X towards it. To save your own skin, I would say that my friend was paying everything except the same £X.

Whereabouts are you, OP?

Yfronts · 24/02/2013 21:57

surely you don't have to pay for the course. she can't force you.

ComposHat · 24/02/2013 22:00

imperial if the daughter wants a holiday surely she can workand save up for it herself? Just as the op has.

Yfronts · 24/02/2013 22:02

Move the TV to your bedroom?

Tell her you have just got divorced, was forced to sell your house to pay for her course and are now taking a well needed holiday with your friend as something for yourself.

I really don't think you should be paying of the course though. Does she had a job while studying?

Maybe you need to sit down and discuss some ground rules.

Original poster
akaWisey · 24/02/2013 22:02

Imperial DD has had two holidays of her choice already. Both spent doing entirely what she wants to do.
This year she has started working p/t and I give her an allowance for food at college.

I can't do a holiday for each of us. So that's why I was asking (because I was thinking) AIBU to do this?

If I am, fair enough. I'd rethink where I go.

I live in Kent.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 24/02/2013 22:02

Ithink it's absolutely fair that the OP has a holiday and ger DD doesn't. The DD forced the OP to sell her house to cover her school fees. I think she's used her share of 'holiday money' for several years.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2013 22:04

IB really ?

I have a going-on 18yo dd

there is no way I would consider her holiday needs to be on a par with my own at this stage in her life

I saved up for my own first foreign holiday by working at a PT job from 15

not a penny did I take from my parents, apart from that which provided me with a warm bed, food, a roof over my head and the ability to complete my education

Yfronts · 24/02/2013 22:04

Also can you use your money from the house you sold to put down a deposit on a smaller house/ground floor flat? Rent the flat out so it covers costs?

Original poster
akaWisey · 24/02/2013 22:13

I have NEVER done the whole first holiday away with mates thing.

I have been a mother (and continue to be) for 32 years Blush.

This whole thread is very good for me (posters you are great, you're making me think).

I don't pay her fees as the deal was ex h would pay them so long as he wasn't paying the mortgage. DD was in the middle and the emotional 'deal' was that she would realise her ambition by our 'sacrifice'. I've had a Wine now so I hope this makes sense still.

OP posts:
frogspoon · 24/02/2013 22:20

Compos

I hope you were joking. Yes she may be able to cook, clean etc, and I agree that she should.

She's a teenager, has been through alot emotionally recently, will be on her own and pretty lonely. Why would you deliberately go out of your way to make things more difficult for her?

What OP should actually do is spend some time with her daughter pre-holiday, teaching her how to cook, use the washing machine etc, manage a budget and have friends who can drop by/ give a friendly phone call to support her.

frogspoon · 24/02/2013 22:21

By the way I was referring to your running down stocks of food and hiding the car keys comment.

Original poster
akaWisey · 24/02/2013 22:23

compos and frogspoon DD will not be here. She will be away at college and I will ensure that she is safe and looked after during the one weekend i'd be away.

Like I said, I have taken responsibility for being her mum always. Smile

OP posts:
MrsExcited · 24/02/2013 22:24

Go and if you are any sort of reader take a copy of jilly coppers polo!

Apologies if i have interupted i haven't read all the way through

frogspoon · 24/02/2013 22:25

Wisey good to know :)

MorrisZapp · 24/02/2013 22:27

AF your last sentence there sounded totes Dickensian :)

Illgetmegoat · 24/02/2013 22:28

I think it's about time your DD started paying the price for her rewards. You don't get the rights without the responsibilities. She's 18, she is an adult.
She's studying and now working PT - she can sort herself out.
You have 'sacrificed', supplied and supported - now she has to keep up her end of the deal which is putting the graft in.
If she is saying you can't stop her doing things due to her age then she needs to find out that also means she doesn't ge the perks of being a child anymore - if she wants to be treated like an adult then she has to take the lumps. What she means is she is old enough to do exactly what she wants but you have to do all the shit work.

I'm sorry but she is more than old enough to realise she is not the only one hurting.

Take the holiday. Step back from your daughter, the best way to be supportive and loving is to teach her to deal with the rest of her adult life. Boundaries that make it clear you too are an adult woman that has a life and needs. If she is pushing your buttons - the ones ExH polished up all shiny for you, that's not a healthy dynamic for either of you.
You are a good mother, but that is not all you are. And mother doesn't mean sacrificial lamb either.

MorrisZapp · 24/02/2013 22:28

Oh yes pack a bonkbuster OP. Or David Baddiel's latest, I liked that a lot. Yanbu.

pigsDOfly · 24/02/2013 22:33

I can't read this without putting in my twopenny worth.

This young woman is demanding and controlling.

Yes, her DF ran out on her to live with another woman but it didn't stop her colluding with him to push the OP out of her home when she'd just been deserted by her husband for another woman.

Lay down some rules OP and stop being manipulated by your DD into thinking you're the one who did the dirty on her.

Book your holiday, like others have said, and then tell her you're going and don't let her guilt you into changing your plans.

And most importantly, have a wonderful time. You've been through a rough time and deserve a break and some fun.

ImperialBlether · 24/02/2013 22:34

Sorry, I didn't realise she'd had holidays. I assumed neither of you had.

Say to her, "Remember when you went to X? Did you like it? Well, I'm going to Y. I hope I have a good time like you did."

MrsExcited · 24/02/2013 22:38

Polo was particuarly significant due to the daughter and mother adjusting to the fact Dad left them, then there is the bonkfest.

Ps the diborced mum also get several bonks and gets the prize!!!!!

ComposHat · 24/02/2013 22:43

By the way I was referring to your running down stocks of food and hiding the car keys comment

I don't mean as a cruel and unusual punishment, but I wouldn't be running around tescos making sure there was a houseful of food and I wouldn't be leaving my car for someone who doesn't contribute to its upkeep to hoon around in for a fortnight at my expense.

in my view if someone wants to have adult rights then they need to take on the responsibility that goes with it.

it is all academic as the daughter will be at college.

LittleEdie · 24/02/2013 22:44

Go.

I was thinking that your DD sounds like the type of husband you read about on Relationships.

mummymeister · 24/02/2013 22:50

How many threads per week are there here about "children" controlling their parents? read some of them OP. this really has nothing to do with a holiday more with one adult - because at 18 thats what your daughter is - controlling another. you have gone from a controlling husband to a controlling daughter and you need to break the cycle or you will be posting the same thing in 10 years time! If she wants to live or stay with you in your house then she abides by your rules. if one of your rules is that you go to bed when you want then there it is. You absolutely deserve this holiday. if she acts up about it - tough. time for you to break the cycle. sure shes had a rough time because of her dad but really there are those of us who have had worse and wouldnt dream of behaving like this. All the time parents treat their adult offspring as children then this is how they will behave. book that holiday Op and have a fabulous time and when you get back draw a line under the last 20+ years and start with some new rules with your daughter. good luck.

milkymocha · 24/02/2013 23:10

Its time to be YOU not dd's mum!
You have devoted nearly 18 years of your life to put her first. Go on your holiday, laugh lots and bask in your freedom!

I say this as a 20 year old whis mother abadoned her at 12. You need to think about yourself!

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