To go on holiday and NOT take DD?

[akaWisey]

I haven't had a holiday for 6 years. I haven't had a holiday without DC's for even longer. I haven't EVER had a holiday with a RL friend.

I'm 53 and divorced for 2 years. I had to sell the family home to enable ext to fund a private 6th form course that my DD and her DF arranged between themselves. I now live in a rented house and I have equity for another house if I can raise a mortgage (at my age, WTAF). I am saving towards that too. I work very hard F/T and always have done.

My friend says it's been a long hard slog for me and she wants us to book a holiday in Zanzibar for later this year. It looks fab. I want to go. But I think my DD will be angry and upset that 1. I'm not taking her as well (despite her preferring to spend all her spare time with her partner and/or friend) 2. I have said I can't afford to pay insurance on a car she wants to buy.

So AIBU if I just book this holiday? Or am I selfish?

[akaWisey]

No, now I think about it she's always been a bit controlling. So was her DF. I don't want her to be. I want her to have happy relationships where she feels secure enough not to do that.

But I will have my holiday.

[akaWisey]

Yes all welcome at Mustapha's place (google).

[Thewhingingdefective]

YANBU! You deserve a holiday.

[mrsbunnylove]

your daughter is 18, lives at home but has a 'partner'? hmm.

anyway, leaving that aside, she's an 'entitled' (as they say today) madam. she'll grow out of it. its a phase. my daughter is 30. she's very reasonable and very good to me. i think yours will be lovely when she's fully grown up - you've put in a lot of work, it won't be wasted.

but in the mean time, she already has a life of her own. and you are entitled to yours!

to on holiday and have a great time.

[Fluffy1234]

Go please please go.

[Selks]

PLEASE GO on your holiday!! Crikey it sounds like you deserve it! Anyone working hard as you do is entitled to spend a bit of THEIR money on THEMSELVES.

Just get it booked; don't tell DD until it's booked and paid for. Then be matter of fact when you tell her. Don't apologise. Be assertive - tell her that you are entitled to spend some of YOUR money on YOURSELF and that is that. She needs to learn to respect you as an individual, and seeing you enjoying and getting on with your life will help her with that.

Come back and tell us when you've booked it - Zanzibar will be amazing!

[BarbarianMum]

I think whether you go on holiday or not, you need to start taking responsibility for your actions regarding your daughter.



This, for example, is not true. You chose to do it, maybe for the best of reasons, but it was your choice. It is not fair to blame your dd for it, or for not being happier - sounds like you've both had a lot of shit to deal with.

Speaking from experience, it is really frightening and unfair for a grown up to let a teenager call the shots for really big things, like selling a home (or in my case whether my parents should get divorced or not) then blame them for the results. You are the parent so make the decisions (esp the ones about your life) - kindly but firmly.

[eslteacher]

I really do feel for her, it must have been very hard having her parents split up at that age. And you say she wasn't such a madam before, so it's obviously a factor.

That doesn't change the fact that you ABSOLUTELY MUST go on your holiday. She's going to be 18 for god's sake, the real world is just around the corner and she has to start learning to suck things up. It's not like what you are proposing is in any way detrimental to her well-being. One day she will understand the massive sacrifice you have made in selling your family home for her education, and she should be happy that you gave yourself a small treat in going on holiday.

I think you should definitely book it and sort it all out without telling her. Announce it as a fait accompli, and if she kicks off ask her if she'd rather you came on a girls holiday with her and her teenage friends...

[teacherandguideleader]

I'm also the daughter in a single parent family and my mum has holidayed for years without me (since I was your daughter's age). I admit, I get a little bit 'green eyed monstered' - but then who wouldn't - she jets off to Florida / Spain / wherever with her best friend every year to a luxury villa, usually flying club class.

But.... my mum gave up so much for me when I was growing up and she deserves her holidays. I'm pleased for her to go (even though I am green with envy hehe).

[eslteacher]

Oh, and not encouraging you to bend to her will or anything, but re: the TV you can get wireless headphones from amazon.co.uk?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 for about £39, could be an easy solution.

Of course earplugs only cost about £2.50!

[pumpkinsweetie]

Yanbu, go & enjoy yourself op

[akaWisey]

Barbarianmum it is true.

Yes I made a choice but I had two options - try and prevent her going in which case my ex intended to stop supporting the mortgage (on a home I couldn't afford to keep) AND to use the CM to pay for it. Or to take some control over the timing of the loss of the family home. I chose the latter.

i didn't know she was going until the arrangements had been made. By that time DD was telling me i couldn't stop her due to her age. And I have taken full responsibility for my choices. I don't blame my DD for this but I am angry that I get the flack for everything. And she wasn't calling the shots - her DF was. If you knew how hard I worked to be the parent and stop her from 'calling the shots' you might have had a different response - or maybe not.

But I am tired of hearing what a selfish crap mother I am.

[akaWisey]

riverboat earplugs for the tv. Yes!

[AnyFucker]

did you post about this at the time, love ?

[Hissy]

The earplugs are for her, she can buy them if she needs them.

don't you DARE buy cordless headphones for yourself to watch the TV you paid for, on the TV licence you buy, in the home you rent, on the sofa you bought...

No sireee, this is YOUR life, your home and she has had enough say in what goes on in it to last a lifetime.

Didn't your parents ever tell you 'When you are under my roof....'? You need to start saying this with gay abandon tbh. On a LOOP!

[WilsonFrickett]

You know in relationship threads when people say 'do you want your DCs being influenced by your partner's unacceptable behaviour?' - would you say that is what has happened here op? It sounds to me like your dd has stepped into the dynamic established by your XP. Would you say that is accurate?

[Viviennemary]

I thought you first meant your DD was a small child. YANBU. Absolutely go on this holiday as you totally deserve it. You need to get back your own home and be in charge even if it causes trouble. What a cheek asking you to go to bed at 9 pm. Who does she think she is.

[akaWisey]

AF yes I did, in relationships. I managed to stop her going for the first year, got her into the same course in a local 6th form which she did brilliantly at and then unbeknown to me after a row with me, her DF said he'd get her in to the college he wanted her to be in (which by --no- coincidence is near he and OW). It was like being betrayed all over again but i swallowed it. And here we are now.

Hissy and Wilson absolutely.

[AnyFucker]

I remember it, wisey

[akaWisey]

Oh god, yes she has. I hadn't thought of it like that at all.
He was never here but completely controlled everything .

[akaWisey]

AF she was in her bedroom and kicking the door and the furniture when I told her she couldn't go. Do you remember that?

[AnyFucker]

I do, wisey, vaguely

I remember thinking how completely you had been outmanoevred

[akaWisey]

I shan't be outmanoeuvred about this holiday though. All these posters (and thank you so much) can't be wrong.

I bloody well do deserve to do something that isn't a reaction to something else that's going on. Now THAT'S making a choice.

[ComposHat]

bloody hell at 18 I would have rather wipe my arse on a pan scourer than go on holiday with my mother. I went on my last holiday family holiday at 14.

[akaWisey]

composHat