To go on holiday and NOT take DD?

[akaWisey]

I haven't had a holiday for 6 years. I haven't had a holiday without DC's for even longer. I haven't EVER had a holiday with a RL friend.

I'm 53 and divorced for 2 years. I had to sell the family home to enable ext to fund a private 6th form course that my DD and her DF arranged between themselves. I now live in a rented house and I have equity for another house if I can raise a mortgage (at my age, WTAF). I am saving towards that too. I work very hard F/T and always have done.

My friend says it's been a long hard slog for me and she wants us to book a holiday in Zanzibar for later this year. It looks fab. I want to go. But I think my DD will be angry and upset that 1. I'm not taking her as well (despite her preferring to spend all her spare time with her partner and/or friend) 2. I have said I can't afford to pay insurance on a car she wants to buy.

So AIBU if I just book this holiday? Or am I selfish?

Your dd is obviously very hurt and is lashing out at you. I think you both need some help to resolve this behaviour - she is acting out, not just being an entitled madam - before it becomes 'fixed'. Part of this is that you need to stand up to her, you don't go to bed when she tells you to FFS. You need to set some healthy boundaries IMO.

And go o the holiday!

Yes to going on holiday.

And a maybe to your dd needing some counselling?

yeah, it's totally understandable that it must be really frustrating, for both of you. she obviously feels abandoned by her dad and she's obviously angry because her family has been torn apart. that, combined with a new house and everything must be pretty hard to deal with. i'm not excusing her behaviour at all, but that wouldn't be easy for any teenager.

i doubt her hormones help either, to be honest, and i think maybe you two should focus on fixing your relationship before you go away. try mother/daughter activities (spa day maybe? even if you just do it at home together), duvet day with ice-cream, films and snacks, lunch out occasionally - i think it'll be a good idea to lay down boundaries too - yes, she's upset, but that's no excuse for acting like a brat and for being flat-out rude. maybe going back to some parenting basics could be the solution?

/ramble.

My mum gave me her old car when Dad got her a newer one (OW/Guilt gift, but that's something else)

I was 17. Living in the middle of nowhere. My allowance didn't cover the petrol, so guess what... I got a JOB.

Your DD has NO right to a thing from you, not after they strafed you of a house, I am utterly sick at that level of manipulation, she is doing her revolting father's dirty work.

Don't tell her about the holiday, don't get her a car, don't do a fucking thing for her.

She is CHOOSING to be vile to you, because she saw her dad do it, and she is taking it all out on you, blaming you for the split cos she's too frightened to talk to her dad about it, or she'd lose her glittery life.

Guess what? If her dad were not being dismissive of her, she'd STILL be entitled.

She needs to see how hard life is out there for normal people, and what you have been made to do for her.

You rent that house, you pay for it, you furnish it. YOU go to bed when you like and if she has a problem with that, TOUGH! Don't EVER allow anyone to treat you like this! Just because she is family? well IMO, family need to treat you BETTER than strangers. The bar is set higher.

I suggest that you stand your ground, but that when the time for Uni comes, that she goes and studies at one FAR away so that you can get your life back, and she will learn what life is really like.

You have not let her down love, she has let herself down. One day I hope she looks back and is utterly ashamed of herself.

Well said Hissy. I agree with all of that. :)

You aren't doing her any favours allowing her to be like this you know. It sounds ridiculous and she won't find anyone else in her whole life who allows themselves to be treated like this.

She doesnt like the house youre in now? Does she fully understand the reason you're both livinv there and not the family home? Presumably she doesnt give two hoots?

She told you to go to bed. Sod that.

Go on holiday. Don't let her treat you like that. You need to deal with it now. She needs to learn respect NOW!

Can I ask, did you go to bed?

I think Op did do as she was told

But I get the feeling she won't do it again

Sundresses : I can offer a halterneck, kneelength yellow and white doofer

A strapless maxi dress in orange, blue and green stripy pattern from H+M

A FatFace pale green and linen short sleeved number

< looks forward to holidays >

I can offer the choice of about 47 bikinis and 23 pairs of sandals

I have approx 15 bottles of sunscreen with half an inch left in the bottom

from protection 30 through to 4

My DC are younger than your DD (13, 11 and 9) but we have just been away on a lovely (and expensive) skiing holiday. On one occasion, DS (9) said we had said we would go somewhere for a crepe, and then we hadn't.

Well, I lost it, and told him to tell me 10 things we had done for him and bought for him! Maybe you could adapt this for your DD?

Good heavens. GO ON HOLIDAY! Enjoy!

Ive had to drum this into my son too Sanity. We'd take our kids out for the day, do swimming, a me out or something. And instead of 'thank you' my eldest whinges about what he hasnt been given. Hes only 6 so I didnt go crazy but I very firmly told him to be thankful for what we have done for him that day lists everything and not moan about what he hasnt had.

thank you, this is so helpful. I feel validated for the first time in ages.

So. Although I love her to bits I won't be her whipping boy any longer. It won't be easy because as you suggest Wilson it feels fixed already.

I'm only just beginning to see how very, very angry I am with DD. I live where I live because I thought I was doing something which would make her happier. And she isn't.

I did do as I was told yes. For the last time. I shall buy earplugs tomorrow for next weekend.

Thank you for the 7 1/2 inches of suntan lotion, sundresses and bikini's (although my torso hasn't been seen in public since forever)

I'm feeling better. MN is a force.

I agree with the posters who have said your dd is acting out rather than being entitled. Do you think you may have tried to overcompensate for her dad and let your boundaries slip a little? You can reset them but you need to have a proper talk to your daughter. Go on your holiday and have a wonderful time. I hope your dd surprises you by being more supportive than you worry she might.

Good for you!!!

You sound really lovely by the way, she doesnt know how good shes got it having a mum like you. I hope one day she realises, and thanks you for being a lovely mum.

OP, you sound utterly lovely

I wish you were my mum (although we are probs about the same age)

Seconding whoever said not to leave her in your house alone. Otherwise, she'll invite all her mates/boyfriend in for a party. Dad and stepmum went on honeymoon when my twin and I were 17. We were house and dog-sitting, going to school, etc. Dad said NO PARTIES, although having our girl friends round on the Saturday was ok. He organised Granny to come round during the day on Saturday to make sure of this, and we got Granny to buy us lots of mixers. The girls arrived, Granny left and the boys came over with the vodka and the beer. We told Dad when he phoned because we weren't sure we could tidy up well enough to avoid detection - and there hadn't been any major damage, although some of Dad's whisky had been nicked. But there could have been damage - we were lucky. At one teenage party I went to (with parents upstairs), someone dropped a shot glass and it hit the door of the washing machine and smashed it (washing machine, not glass). At another, a girl lost her virginity on the conservatory sofa and bled all over the cushions. And despite how it sounds, I was a nice kid with mostly nice friends, and we cleaned up after ourselves when possible! Scrubbed hymeneal blood out of a sofa cushion, even - although the stain didn't all come out.

You sound so lovely. I've always wanted to go to Zanzibar. Can I come?!

Yanbu.
Go.

tooextra hymeneal blood aarrgghh!

No I am planning to go when she will be back at college (and so will all small children who's parents might also visit same location!).

Acting out after 2 years? If she is, then I'm afraid it has to be down to her DF. I don't have his cash but I have been her mum. I couldn't put a price on that tbh.

Thank you for saying I sound like a lovely mum. I needed it.