to be really pi**ed DH is 'secretly' smoking....again

[cakebaby]

All, well some credit to him, he's tried to give up 4 times in the last year, but clearly has no will power & has succumbed each time. He's tried the tablets from GP, stopped taking them when he thought he'd cracked it, you can guess the rest.
More recently he's tried pharmacy stuff, still fell off the wagon. Before Xmas he tried again, I was all supportive, we kept a tally of dates & £'s saved as encouragement. Except after 5 weeks I could smell smoke on his clothes & after much challenging him - he protested his abstinence - he admitted being back on the fags. I admit i was freakin furious & probably over reacted.
He's been off them again for 3 weeks as we've been on hols, back to work a few days ago. I've asked how he's getting on without the fags, apparently all has been great. However, I've recognized the cough he's got & this morning could smell something stale on his coat, then found a lighter in his pocket. I am absolutely LIVID. I am so SO ANGRY with him for being such a pathetic liar with no will power. I feel like packing his stuff. What an absolute SHIT.
Accept I could be over reacting again, so AIBU?

Disclaimer... 14+1 & still not feeling very tolerant...

Yes YABU

Would you feel the same if he needed to lose weight and broke his diet?

Giving up smoking is an extremely difficult thing to do and putting him under pressure, really will not help him.

The important thing is that he doesn't give up trying to give up.

Cut him some slack.

Yep, point taken, but how do I keep the encouragement going without nagging? I know how difficult it is, l've done it. I still think it's easier for him to give up than for me to bring up our DC alone due to his reliance on the cancer sticks.

Perhaps you need to change your way of thinking I don't know?

Thinking it would be easier for him to give up than for you to raise your children alone, isn't particularly helpful.

Firstly you may not have to bring them up alone and secondly, we could all get run over by a bus today.

Perhaps you could focus more on the positive? Concentrate on how long he managed to do without them, rather than the times he caved in?

I'm sure he'll get there eventually but 'bag packing' is a bit childish and really won't achieve the desired effect.

You do realise you acting like his mum doesn't help don't you?

He's an adult and presumably you knew he smoked when you met him?

Get off his back, putting pressure on him won't help at all and will just make you resentful.

The only person that is responsible for giving up smoking is your Dh.
It is so hard, and having someone nagging and raging is the worse thing to do to him.
He is trying, and has fallen of the wagon, I think I've read that it takes an average of 3 tries before most people give up.
Stop pressurising him.
If my ex had done that to me when I was attempting to stop I would have rebelled.
No one tells me what to do.

Absolutely right liberty, but if he did get run over by a bus, his life assurance wouldn't pay out due to non disclosure, so we would be out of our home, which is not possible to run on one salary. Oh, and I quite like having him around too. I'll have to think of a different approach, but he refuses to discuss it so it makes things very difficult! Maybe l'll just give up bothering & let him get on with it.

Whoops x posting - yes to all that, but the agreement when ttc was we both gave up - HIS idea - I did it, he didn't.

New approach. Suggest he switches to an E-cigarette? I know it is best to be a non-smoker, but an electronic cigarette is far better than smoking in secret.

I don't know what the answer is as I've been off them for four weeks now. I prefer that my hubby doesn't say much to me about it as it stops me thinking about it - but he does encourage me if I say that I feel like I am caving!!!!
I can understand you getting mad at him though if he is lying to you about it as I don't understand why you wouldn't just say that you had one......

YABU. He is an adult. You are not his mother. I get that it's annoying to be lied to but really what's he supposed to do? If he'd been open would you really have said "Ok honey I appreciate you being honest"??

He didn't tell you because he knew you'd have a tantrum.

Yes, we've got e-fags, nicorette mini's, gum, patches, champix, you name it. I guess I cannot fathom why he can easily go 3 to 5 weeks without anything, then gives in. It's the dishonesty that's really galling. He says he wants to quit, but I don't really think he does. Him stinking like an old ashtray sends me running to the bathroom as I'm not totally over the ms yet & smells are a particular trigger for me.

You knew he smoked when you got with him. My god if I had you on my case like that it would be the end of us.

All that equipment, and he's not using it? Cigarette smoke made me throw up during pregnancy too. I'm not surprised you're angry. I would be too.

Ha ha, good job he's more resilient then!

He doesn't want to quit or he'd have done it, your nagging isn't going to make him want to quit more. You married a smoker, you can't expect that to change unless he wants to.

Thanks for understanding Jessie, takes all sorts, doesn't it?

I used to smoke when I fell pregnant. I went off them completely before I was even due on. It was my first clue I was pregnant. DH smokes. He continues to do so (rollies). I don't nag him. Sure, I wish he'd quit, but I can't force him and I knew he smoked when I married him.

If it meant that much to me, I'd have been like his mother, who wouldn't even date a person who smoked, much less marry one.

What's the longest amount of time he's managed to give up for?

Understand expat, but HE was the one who wanted 'us' ie 'me' to give up in the 1st place!

I gave up last year, after 35 years odd of smoking and numerous attempts. I somehow managed this time, and in fact have no idea how. My sister and I have an agreement, if we get to 80 we're going to have a fag. I could have one now, but I won't. I won't because of what it took me to give up, although the appeal of quickly losing the 3 stone I put on has it's lure. Give the guy a break. He'll do it, when he can.

Liberty, it was about 5 weeks without the pills, 3 months or so using champix. But of course he paid no attention to the GP & stopped taking them before he was advised to.

Kudos to you dawndonna, well done!

If YOU want him to quit and he has agreed then you have zero chance of him stopping. The only way any smoker will stop is if THEY want to and are 100% committed.
A nagging hysterical wife is probably the first thing that will make him desperate for a fag. 'Supporting' and. 'Encouraging' someone to quit does not mean being furious with them when they have a slip and bombarding them with questions/accusations. You are not supporting him, you are trying to force him into stopping and stamping your foot when he doesn't 't comply.

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, but don't you think you should have given him more than 3 months before you conceived, if giving up was part of the deal?