Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be really pi**ed DH is 'secretly' smoking....again

57 replies

cakebaby · 24/02/2013 11:50

All, well some credit to him, he's tried to give up 4 times in the last year, but clearly has no will power & has succumbed each time. He's tried the tablets from GP, stopped taking them when he thought he'd cracked it, you can guess the rest.
More recently he's tried pharmacy stuff, still fell off the wagon. Before Xmas he tried again, I was all supportive, we kept a tally of dates & £'s saved as encouragement. Except after 5 weeks I could smell smoke on his clothes & after much challenging him - he protested his abstinence - he admitted being back on the fags. I admit i was freakin furious & probably over reacted.
He's been off them again for 3 weeks as we've been on hols, back to work a few days ago. I've asked how he's getting on without the fags, apparently all has been great. However, I've recognized the cough he's got & this morning could smell something stale on his coat, then found a lighter in his pocket. I am absolutely LIVID. I am so SO ANGRY with him for being such a pathetic liar with no will power. I feel like packing his stuff. What an absolute SHIT.
Accept I could be over reacting again, so AIBU?

OP posts:

Benn · 24/02/2013 12:47

YABU - smoking is a worse addiction than heroin or cocaine and even harder to give up. If you're an ex smoker then you should have more sympathy for him.

Stop nagging and be more supportive of his efforts, then he might be more inclined to tell the truth if he does cave in.

Original poster

cakebaby · 24/02/2013 12:48

HE WANTED 'US' TO QUIT.

I never asked him to! He proposed it. I did it. He didn't.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 24/02/2013 12:49

Hmm. Well with me and ex h it was the straw that broke the camels back when he started smoking again. He gave up when he met me as I absolutely hate it and I realise it may be extreme to some but I could never live with a smoker, yet alone be married to one. We split for numerous reasons but his persistence in smoking and him thinking he was being sneaky about it was definitely one of the things that finished it for me. It drove me absolutely insane.

My mum smoked 40 a day for 30 years and quit using champix, she didn't stop for health reasons. She couldn't afford it anymore. She stopped over 6 months and has now been smoke free for 6 years.

I am now remarried to someone who is teetotal and doesn't smoke like me.

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2013 12:50

And actually you might be in the same position as him if you weren't pregnant and nauseous when it comes to cigarette smoke.

Hiddenbiscuits · 24/02/2013 12:51

Had the same situation, think its the lying that grates as well as the smoking? I hated it that DH's friends knew that he was smoking before i did, and knowing i must be a real ogre if he felt he couldnt tell me!

TheBigJessie · 24/02/2013 12:52

Isn't it wonderful. Woman gets pregnant. Woman, as an intelligent responsible person, gives up any thing that could be harmful for the baby. In this case, at the express request of her husband. And then he doesn't. And lies about it. Even though she knows he's been smoking again, as the smell has just made her vomit.

All that stuff about him being a fellow adult, and all, is true. But come on. Wouldn't you be a tad annoyed? Watching someone lie is irritating...

Original poster

cakebaby · 24/02/2013 12:53

Agree liberty, but this all started a year ago. I guess I'll just let him get on with it, he wanted more encouragement which was when we started keeping an eye on the savings, but was smoking towards the end of that attempt. Reckon I'll just butt out now and be silently smug I managed to quit!

OP posts:

Original poster

cakebaby · 24/02/2013 12:56

Jessie, nice to know the posts on the thread have been read & assimilated by some!

Thanks for all your contributions mnetters, I love a good debate!

OP posts:

LadyBeagleEyes · 24/02/2013 12:58

It's a pity he has to lie but he knew the reaction he'd get if he didn't.
Well done Op for giving up, you have obviously got better willpower than him.
But you can't do anything to make him stop, it's got to come from him.

PrettyKitty1986 · 24/02/2013 12:59

So you found it easier than him to quit. Well done to you...but you can't compare one smoker to another.
When I quit smoking, df and I both decided equally to quit. He lasted 6 days, I managed to quit. I didn't say a word to him though because there's no point. Although it was a joint decision, he obviously wasn't in the right mind frame to see it through.
I've been the one nagged at and emotionally blackmailed to stop and it does no good, it just made me want to rebel and smoke more. After all, if you're getting a shit load of grief anyway, you just as well have a fag to make it more worth it.

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2013 12:59

I wouldn't be smug because

It's not very nice

So many women end up smoking again after having the baby

You only have to read MN to see how many people say, "I didn't smoke during any of my pregnancies". But they did smoke between them.

Just try to be kind and supportive and I'm sure he'll manage in the end.

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2013 13:04

Jessie read the OP and ask yourself why he might have lied....

"I am absolutely LIVID. I am so SO ANGRY with him for being such a pathetic liar with no will power. I feel like packing his stuff. What an absolute SHIT "

That's just abusive tbh. The OP knows what addiction is, she was an addict herself.

I'm quite sure if anyone on the diet/weight loss threads were to say their DH said that about them, because they'd broken their diet again and obesity was damaging their health...it would be viewed quite negatively.

Telling lies is never right, but it's bloody understandable if someone is thinking about attempting to throw you out of your own home.

TheBigJessie · 24/02/2013 13:09

But the lie is pointless and making her angry/more angry. She can smell it!

Original poster

cakebaby · 24/02/2013 13:09

Liberty, ever heard of hyperbole ?!

Seriously, labelling the comments in the OP as abusive simply serves to undermine those truly experiencing abuse.

For the record, he doesn't even know that I know,yet. And I may just not mention it, so let's not get bent out of shape!

OP posts:

Tweasels · 24/02/2013 13:14

He's lying because he's scared of her reaction.

It is like the diet thing like Worra said. My husband knows I desperately want to lose weight and I'm sure for health reasons and my happiness he wants me to also. If I came in with chocolate smeared round my mouth he wouldn't threaten to throw me out, he would encourage me to forget about it and start again tomorrow.

When I stopped in my first pregnancy and DH didn't I was pissed off but if I'm honest, it was jealousy because he could still smoke and I couldn't.

He stopped by the end of the pregnancy for good. I was back on them as soon as I finished bf.

Just goes to show.

JacqueslePeacock · 24/02/2013 13:20

YANBU OP. I was in exactly the same situation as you (except I had no clue when I got together with DH that he smoked - he hid it really well, as I would never have dater a smoker). We now have the baby, and DH is still smoking and still lying about it. I've tried so hard to be understanding so that he will want to tell me if he slips up in quitting, so that i can support him, but he always always prefers to lie to me.

It's caused us so much grief and heartache, and I've vagueLy thought of ending it - except you don't split up with a man you love very much just because of a few sneaky cigarettes, do you? It seems so ridiculous. But it's the being lied to, and promised, over and over and over again that really takes its toll on a relationship.

I thinks it's true what others are saying, that if he doesn't really want to quit, he won't. What distressed me more than anything is the idea he was cuddling our newborn baby in his horrible smoky clothes, and lying to me about it. The bloody fags are worth more to him than our child! (I know that's not really how it is, but that's how it felt - especially when, like you, I'd given up all kinds of things during pregnancy for the good of the baby).

No solution for you, just lots of sympathy. I know how it feels.

Dothraki · 24/02/2013 13:20

Its easy to give up - I did it many times , when I was pregnant I just never felt like a cig, but after I went back. Nagging is not support. I never found nicotine replacement helpful at all. What finally stopped me was Allen Carr's Easyway. I have not smoked for 6 years. I understand that you are frustrated - but if I had been nagged I would have carried on. Also if he does try the book let him read the whole thing. I finished it, then a few weeks later just decided - Todays the day. He will find it alot easier if he knows you are on his side.

gymmummy64 · 24/02/2013 13:23

Getting support when it's all going well is great. Being nagged when it's going badly is highly counter productive. Some people find it harder than others - I was hooked on NRT for years and even now I could still quite happily smoke a cigarette even though it's years since I quit. What stops me is knowing where it will lead, but my odd cravings are nothing like as bad as those initial stages.

As you will know if you've done it yourself, the mind will play all sorts of tricks to justify 'just one' or starting again tomorrow or 'I deserve one' or anything at all that will work. By nagging and being on his back and making a pita etc etc you are just providing loads of ammunition for his brain to make a case to carry on smoking.

If it was as easy as wanting to quit + a bit of willpower = quitting then most people wouldn't find it hard to give up. For most people it's simply not as simple as that and for some it can take months and months before they are better able to resist the cravings and brain tricks. In some ways, 5 weeks is nothing.

Denial is par for the course with addictions - I think you just need to accept that rather than talk about it in the same terms you might use for eg infidelity

JacqueslePeacock · 24/02/2013 13:26

"Denial is par for the course for addictions" - that's helpful. Makes it seem a bit less heartbreaking at being repeatedly lied to I guess.

Original poster

cakebaby · 24/02/2013 13:26

Jac, thank you, it is frustrating, the fibs rather than the fags!

Dothraki, well done you, there's zero chance of him reading the book, I've mentioned it before, his reply was that he couldn't stand his squeaky voice on ch4 so wouldn't be lining his pockets buying a book....crossed wires anyone?

OP posts:

pumpkinsweetie · 24/02/2013 13:28

Yabu, smoking is a strong addiction.
Imagine this situation in reverse, you are on a diet and secretly eat a few sweets. Would you be happy your dp is complaining about what you eat?

Fwiw i hate smoking, it's a disgusting habit and it smells. Never been intersted in it, but i do know that it's an addiction like no other, having always known people that smoke.
But he'll quit when he's ready, it doesn't sound like he is yet.

My dh smokes, i hate it, he is not to come near me before brushing his teeth & sucking a mint. He also is forbidden from smoking indoors.
But would i stop/moan at him, no, as he is a grown-up and it's up to him to quit.

scottishmummy · 24/02/2013 13:31

You're overreacting conidering kicking him out for smoking,get a grip of yourself
He needs to chose whether or not he smokes, and that will be his adult decision
You going apoplectic isn't likely to be conducive to him deciding whether or not he quits

PrettyKitty1986 · 24/02/2013 13:51

Allan Carr is not the comedian...

EnjoyResponsibly · 24/02/2013 14:01

Does he plan on smoking in the house when the baby is born?

lollilou · 24/02/2013 14:08

Dh says Allen Carr is the only way he managed to give up. He makes you think differently about smoking.
I have given up since last September but put a drink in my hand on the weekend and I crumble! So I know how hard it is.
Please stop nagging and getting cross it will only make things worse.

Flip

1 2 3