No longer want to see parents after what they've done (long)

[4posterbed]

It has been 15 years since I had my first child. Parents criticise everything I do, everything the children do yet other other family and friends think I have done a good job and children polite, doing v well at school etc.

Have bent over backwards for my parents, when they make surprise visits, I am, as my husband says, always at their beck and call. I make them nice meals, have an ensuite guest room for them downstairs, drop everything if I know they are coming.

My dad has been kind over the years looking after our home and pets when we wanted to go away. Although the last time he told me he wouldn't look after them again as fair enough, he is getting older. This is no problem as I have a friend who I do an exchange help with pets.

My parents no longer want us staying with them when we visit either, and made a point of never allowing our very quiet and obedient dog to come, fair enough: thier house, their rules.

My sister and her family stay with my parents and her dog does too. My parents explained that as her dog was an untrained puppy she couldn't give it to other people to look after. Also, my parents are in discussion with my sister and her husband for them to pay to convert a barn on my sister's land for a house where they can live.

Fair enough.

We have self contained accomodation at out house for my parents and we have been paying £1500 tax a year on it since we converted it thinking they would be able to use it one day if they needed it.

My parents do not want much to do with their grandchildren and I must admit to being very sad that they have never gone to a school play or spend christmases with them. I told them I thought christmasses were for families and I said I would love if they spent christmas with us and I would happily do all the preparation etc because my mum hates cooking and has always hated the work associated with christmas.

Instead they go on cruises twice a year, one that covers christmas and new year, every year. My parents said that the guest room ensuite we provide is not high enough standard as what they would get going on a cruise.

I must say I am deeply upset and in mourning of what will never be at my parents comments. When they came back from their last christmas cruise in January they said they would stay with us. But they stayed at my sister's instead and 'forgot' the plan with me. I had spent all week baking, cleaning and tidying for them.

After these incidences I feel as if it is the straw that has finally broken the camel's back and this weekend they are at my sister's and just rang to see if they could pop in on their way back home (they live 400 miles away) and I said we were busy.

I have a good relationship with my sister. My mum was an only child and my dad is used to doing everything for her and my sister is definitely her favourite but I don't begrudge that at all. I have tried talking my feelings with my dad and he has told my mum but at the end of the day he doesn't want to rock the boat as my mum has always got to have her own way as she is moody and difficult to live otherwise. At hte end of the day my dad said he shares my mums opinions on preferring cruises to staying with us.

I just feel so hurt that I don't want to see them anymore. AIBU?

didn't want to read and run, but you are not being unreasonable!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Have you spoken to them about their favouring of your sister? What does your sister think?

I have thought about my situation for years and have always given them the benefit of the doubt, as I said, dropping everything if they have visited us. But my mum sits in a chair and gets my children to fetch and carry for her.

Once my 8 year old dd was clearing away my dad's glass of water to put in the dishwasher and she accidently spilled a little. My parents reaction was to shout at her YOU STUPID GIRL! YOU ARE ALWAYS SO CLUMSY! reducing her to tears.

When they were tiny and I had driven 4 hours to visit them,I had just put them to bed. My dad came up to me furious and said you can't stay here! I asked what had happened? He marched me into the bathroom and the tooth paste lid was off. He said Why haven't you told them to put it back on?

I kid you not. My dad was in the National Service and so everything has to be just so. I am aware of that which is why I had desperately made sure we were clean and tidy.

My parents criticises everything about our home and about the children, yet I have desperately wanted to have them in my children's lives, but now I am seriously wondering why.

Yanbu they do not sound very mpnice at all. Manley cool things off for a bit

They sound awful, you have done your best. Definitely cool things off for a bit

You need to stop trying to please them. You sound like you are desperate for their appproval and for them to come and stay with you. If I was in your position I wouldn't want them staying with me as they sound awful.

Don't be available to them when it suits them. Do it to suit you, and if that means seeing less of them, then let that be.

My sister and I have had long discussions about our parents and we are of the same opinion. Her dc are older and have had the same critical treatment and they do not particularly want their grandparents to live with them albeit in a converted cottage. Yet they are lucky in that they have another set of grandparents who dote on them and are wonderfully loving (sister's dh's parents)

But my parents are wealthy and I know my sister's dh will be happy to get their financial help to convert the barn.

I am not materialistic and do not want a penny from my parents. I feel so strongly that I actually want them to cut me out of their will!

All I wanted was a loving relationship for my dc. My dh's parents have both died so they do not have any other grandparent

Please give me some advice

I'm sorry they've made you feel like this over the years. But I think now is the time to let go. Focus on your kids, don't allow your parents to make them feel second best like they made you. They don't deserve any more of your time and effort, leave them to it

You've been too nice so far. That's the problem. All this bending over backwards, setting aside accommodation and so forth they've interpreted as you being 100% OK with their treatment of you. Rather than cutting contact you have to start treating them the way you would anyone else and making it on your terms. No more making allowances, therefore, biting your tongue and hoping they will change. No more attributing things to being an 'only child'.... that's just making excuses for someone. Instead be assertive. If they annoy you, tell them straight and ask for an apology. Be the grown-up...

How terribly sad. Can completely understand why you are so hurt.
Sadly it seems that they are very going to be the grandparents you wished they would be to your children. Maybe it is time to try to come to terms with that and stop turning yourself inside out to try to change it.
What does your sister say about their behaviour? Do they treat her family differently?
Personally if you are going to see less of them/ stop seeing them at all I would make sure that they know why, tell them how you feel, you have nothing to lose if it causes a rift.

They sound absolutely toxic! Lots of men are/were in the services but how many of them would threaten to throw their daughter and grandchildren out into the night over a toothpaste lid? There are deeper issues there than a need for things being just so. Whatever those issues are, it's not your fault and I don't think anyone could blame you for cutting down on contact or even stopping it all together. It's not healthy.

I would be staying out of contact and leaving it to them to make the effort. You do not need their approval nor their attention, give your love to your family instead and stop worrying about them.

I think you just have to cut your loses and say enough is enough, its their loss if they dont want an active loving role in your kids lives and all you can do is be NOTHING like them when your time comes to be the grandparent - you have set your kids a fine example by trying, being gracious, being hospitable - but they have returned it with hurtful comments and slurs. Your kids DO NOT need that kind of grandparent - is there an elderly neighbour/aunt or friend they could "adopt" instead?

Oh dear you are still trying to please them, but they are unpleasable (as well as deeply unpleasant). I feel very sorry for you, trying to get everything perfect but they still find fault. I'm afraid you will never please they because they like being critical (and don't in the slightest try to please you or meet your needs). I think you need to protect yourself and your family from their hostile critical nastiness.

If anyone spoke to me the way they speak to you and your children, I would never have them in the house again. You don't have to either. Perhaps your sadness should actually be anger at how rubbish they are as parents, and then you should avoid them as much as humanly possible.

I wanted to say something because you sound so unhappy but I want to make it clear these are just my thoughts and I don't have any personal experience of your situation.

It sounds as if your own childhood must have been very anxious and I wonder if you might think about some counselling to put some of this in perspective and allow you to move on.

Your parents are behaving in an unloving manner but I do think you need to accept them for what they are( they don't sound unhappy with the situation so there is no motivation for them to change) and cease to have any expectations of them.

I think you should concentrate on your own loving family unit and if you feel short of grandparent type role models perhaps consider volunteering with Age UK or doing some work with a local church/ care home.

What you need to do is stop pinning your hopes on what you want to happen and see the reality of what exists.

Your parents are never going to behave in the way you want them to. That's their failing, not yours and the reality of the situation. You need to accept this and stop hoping for something that is never going to happen.

Don't be sad for your children, a wonderful grandparent relationship is a nice thing to have but their futures don't depend on it. As long as they have a secure family relationship with you as their parents then anything else is just a bonus, and I'm sure they have a good relationship with their aunties and cousins from what you say.

Stop trying so hard. They're obviously not that interested, and to be honest that is very much their loss. Spend your time and energies on people that value you and your children.

Also from what you say the hyper critical manner in which your parents treat your children isn't the most healthy thing for them anyway, so not exposing them to that may in fact be the best option anyway.

The problem with being an obsessive people pleaser is that it has the opposite effect than you intend. Needy people tend to drive others away by doing this, the needier you become, the more people run. It's a control thing, you're doing something 'nice' or 'thoughtful' desperate for a positive response from them, they're just feeling irritated/suffocated by the pressure to respond the way you want. It's not easy being on the receiving end of needy people tbh, it's a natural reaction to recoil because the person isn't doing something out of want/kindness/love but in an attempt to manipulate the receiver.

It's not unreasonable for them to prefer a cruise to escape all the Christmas nonsense (which you know your mum hates) to playing the parents you want them to be with YOUR idea of a lovely Christmas.

They don't sound very nice from some of your posts, no amount of bothering with them will ever mold them into the people you want them to be. They are who they are, the best you can do for yourself is let them be. Don't do anything for them, have no expectations of them either. Do what is best for you, your dh an kids and let them come visit you if they want but put no effort into preparing for their visit. You just need to stop caring about what they think, trying to impress them and believing that you can change them.

You can't change people, only your response to them.

Your parents have no regard for your feelings. You will never change them into the parents or grandparents you want but what you can do is to change how you act towards them. Stop pandering to them. You are doing the right thing by telling them you're not available.
We are in the same position with PIL with SIL being the golden child. They treat us and our dc pretty shabbily so after years of falling over ourselves to be nice to them and putting up all sorts of unpleasantness we have realised it will never make a jot of difference. It just upsets us a lot. So we are taking the tack that we will see them twice a year and will not put up with the nonsense. Not sure how it will work out they haven't noticed yet.
You need to take your courage in your hands and when they criticise you tell them to stop. My SIL has treated my PIL pretty appalling and yet they run around after her so eager to please her. I could never bring myself to do the same but I think a good dose of indifference might help me.
It is very upsetting but take comfort from the fact you get on well with your sister.

It is their right to prefer a christmas cruise, they love the christmasses on board as my mum loves to be pampered and that is also her right.

My mum hated being a housewife and mother so much she hated any of us getting ill. I remember being ill with whooping cough so endlessly coughing up into a bowl, never daring to make a mess. She said she wanted to kill me.

She was depressed and moody throughout our childhood and we always felt guilty that it was our fault. This is why if I am ever in a bad mood I let my dc know and I always apologise after so that they don't have that terrible feeling of endless guilt that I had to endure as a child.

My mum hated cooking so much we had inedible slop to eat and I honestly did not know food could be wonderful unless I stayed at my own grandparent's.

Anyway, I cannot change my parents and I have done my best not to copy any of the toxic behaviour she meted out to us on my own dc. I have come to terms with how they treat me and have done my best to incorporate them into my dc's lives, but I can see that it has backfired.

My dc, dh and I have created a warm, happy home and we spend christmasses with my sister and her family as we both want to be with family.

We have an older brother who lives in the same town as my parents. He has never invited us to his house, ever! Yet for many years I always invited him and his wife here. They have never had children, don't particularly like them and are fanatical about their immaculate car and home.

I have accepted how they are and luckily have other close friends who make excellent substitute aunties and uncles. I also have very lovely elderly friends, but it is the loving relationship my dc don't have with their grandparents that I experienced which upsets me most.

It is cathartic to write out all this!

Not having a relationship with toxic parents/grandparents is better than forcing yourselves though the heartache for something that is never going to happen.

Hainvg no grandparents is better than having to spend time with horrible grandparents.

what has the money got to do with it? if you're worrying about that, and they're using 'better accommodation' as an excuse not to stay with you, just leave it and rent the room out to someone else.

i think your parents are trying to have a life while they can.

Why did you build the accomodation for them at your property? It would be a living nightmare if they do ever come and live with you?

I think cutting down contact would be a great idea, but also make it clear to them that they won't be staying in the accomodation when they get older. It's not fair on you as you sound stressed enough when they aren't even close.

Could you rent it out or get back some income from it?

Having read all that you've posted about this, and how your parents are, I think you should consider this.

These two people may be your childrens only grandparents but they are highly unpleasant people who think nothing of upsetting you. They are obviously not loving grandparents - and no matter how hard YOU try, that won't change because THEY won't change. From what you've written, you've spent most of your life trying to please people who can't be pleased - not a good thing to subject your precious children to.

So - if they weren't family...would you really allow them in your dcs lives?

I think you need to take some time away from them - cut down on the amount of contact you have with them, and see how much of a difference it makes to you when you don't have as much negativity and criticism flowing from them.

DParents visited us before christmas to tell my sister and I that they had discussed the fact that they were getting older with dbrother.

DPs suggested that they moved closer to db. DB made it very clear that he did NOT want them to move closer as did NOT want to deal with them or look after them in old age as couldn't cope ( has aversion to germs/mess/pets/kids/old people/looking after anything/anyone unless material possessions).

DB has been on best terms with DPs throughout our lives hence he and his wife moving down to live by the coast shortly after DPs moved there. DPs upset at DB's pronouncement no doubt, but not shocked, as know how he does not like kids/pets/germs etc.

Dps then came up with the idea of living closer to us as we live close to Heathrow and so could get to the airport easily (they have always stayed with either my sister or I before going on holiday and drive them to the airport or to Southampton if they are going on a cruise)

My dh and I welcomed that proposal with open arms saying after not having them around much while the dc were growing up it would be great for them to live in our self contained accommodation and we would be happy to look after them in old age.

Dps then had same discussion with my sister and her dh and my brother in law who is very financially canny, seized upon the idea of getting dps to pay for a barn conversion on their land.

As a result of this, dps told my dh and I that my brother in law's offer was their first choice and as a result snubbed our offer.

Brother in law went round to dh's office yesterday to tell him about dps coming up this weekend to discuss financing their barn conversion and that neither he nor my sister particularly want them living there but they'll do it because they want the money.

I feel very sad because we actually wanted to look after them in old age unlike either of my siblings.