No longer want to see parents after what they've done (long)

[4posterbed]

It has been 15 years since I had my first child. Parents criticise everything I do, everything the children do yet other other family and friends think I have done a good job and children polite, doing v well at school etc.

Have bent over backwards for my parents, when they make surprise visits, I am, as my husband says, always at their beck and call. I make them nice meals, have an ensuite guest room for them downstairs, drop everything if I know they are coming.

My dad has been kind over the years looking after our home and pets when we wanted to go away. Although the last time he told me he wouldn't look after them again as fair enough, he is getting older. This is no problem as I have a friend who I do an exchange help with pets.

My parents no longer want us staying with them when we visit either, and made a point of never allowing our very quiet and obedient dog to come, fair enough: thier house, their rules.

My sister and her family stay with my parents and her dog does too. My parents explained that as her dog was an untrained puppy she couldn't give it to other people to look after. Also, my parents are in discussion with my sister and her husband for them to pay to convert a barn on my sister's land for a house where they can live.

Fair enough.

We have self contained accomodation at out house for my parents and we have been paying £1500 tax a year on it since we converted it thinking they would be able to use it one day if they needed it.

My parents do not want much to do with their grandchildren and I must admit to being very sad that they have never gone to a school play or spend christmases with them. I told them I thought christmasses were for families and I said I would love if they spent christmas with us and I would happily do all the preparation etc because my mum hates cooking and has always hated the work associated with christmas.

Instead they go on cruises twice a year, one that covers christmas and new year, every year. My parents said that the guest room ensuite we provide is not high enough standard as what they would get going on a cruise.

I must say I am deeply upset and in mourning of what will never be at my parents comments. When they came back from their last christmas cruise in January they said they would stay with us. But they stayed at my sister's instead and 'forgot' the plan with me. I had spent all week baking, cleaning and tidying for them.

After these incidences I feel as if it is the straw that has finally broken the camel's back and this weekend they are at my sister's and just rang to see if they could pop in on their way back home (they live 400 miles away) and I said we were busy.

I have a good relationship with my sister. My mum was an only child and my dad is used to doing everything for her and my sister is definitely her favourite but I don't begrudge that at all. I have tried talking my feelings with my dad and he has told my mum but at the end of the day he doesn't want to rock the boat as my mum has always got to have her own way as she is moody and difficult to live otherwise. At hte end of the day my dad said he shares my mums opinions on preferring cruises to staying with us.

I just feel so hurt that I don't want to see them anymore. AIBU?

All (bar one) of my Grandparents had died before I was born and I have very little memory of the grandmother who died when I was very small.

I would have liked to have grandparents but I have not missed having them, if you can understand what I mean. Loving parents was enough for me.

Sounds like you are desperate to please people who are impossible to please, in this instance.

It is very difficult to get away from needing your parents' approval, even as an adult.

I think it would be healthier for you to take a step back. Why are you so keen to look after your parents in their old age, when they just sound so mean?

Fair enough, they like going on cruises, but there's no need for them to make it personal. As you said, you don't feel your mum did a great job of looking after you, and your dad tried to kick you out because a toothpaste lid was left off? Why on earth would you want them around you?

Ask yourself why you would want people who have treated you and your family this way, living with you.
You know you'd never please them. You know* they would be dissatisfied with everything you did/where they lived. And you know^ they'd likely be horrible to your DC.
Is it just a sense of duty? There doesn't seem to be one redeeming feature in either of them tbh.
Just distance yourself. And do you think they'd notice?

do you know what lovey? your dps are about to start reaping what they have sown! they are planning to spend their last years with people who really only want them for their money! - you gave them a wonderful chance to spend their old age with a loving daughter, a fantastic son-in-law (because frankly, he sounds bloody saintly to agree to them moving to yours) and lovely grandchildren, they have declined, let them!!!

step back, carry on building your lovely family and let them get on with it - i reckon you have had a very lucky escape! just think, instead of having to think about the needs of two selfish old grumpy, moody, rude people you can concentrate with complete lack of guilt on your own children!! fantastic result really!

Op, seriously ask yourself - WHY did you want to look after them in their old age? You don't like them for themselves (which I don't blame you for one bit, they don't sound at all likeable) - who are you trying to impress/prove something to? You will NEVER live up to their expectations, they are too rigid and self centred. They are NEVER going to live up to your expectations/hopes - they aren't nice enough.

I think you are desperately holding onto the idea that somehow you can prove to them that you are a good daughter, worthy of being loved. Well let me tell you, you are a WONDERFUL person, and it is only their inadequacies that mean they can't appreciate that fact.

I also suspect that they prefer the barn conversion idea as they get to be in control - you did up your accommodation to your taste, they didn't get to do it.

Please, please, please stop trying to impress them. They are seriously not worth it, and your DC are worth so much more than that. I'm very glad they didn't take you up on your offer to live with you, because I think you and your DC would have been treated dreadfully by them.

"I feel very sad because we actually wanted to look after them in old age unlike either of my siblings."
I think you need to spend some time thinking about this one, and why you wanted to look after them. You're still trying to gain their approval, and IMO that's a very unhealthy place to be. They are your parents, but they were and are BAD parents. But, you can't see the woods for the trees because where they are concerned you are still a little girl trying desperately not to be shouted at and told that they hate you. Can you step back from them a bit? Imagine that it isn't you and your parents, but is instead a friend and her parents that she's telling you about? What would you advise her? Maybe try and read your posts again, pretending it's not you who wrote them?

Your posts are a real eye opener. I have shown this thread to my dh and he agrees with just about everything you have all written.

I wanted to be the mum I never had, and, hopefully, I have achieved that.

I want to be a good daughter and up till reading your responses now, believed that I have been in the wrong and have felt guilty about not being good enough to please them.

It is a revelation to me to read that actually I may not be unreasonable at all. I definitely wanted to be a good daughter and look after them and not just because of duty. Doesn't everyone?

I have always thought their intolerance was normal. or at least, it is normal for them, and so something I have always lived with up and until now as I had nothing to compare it to, if you see what I mean.

Dh was happy to look after my dps and we would have looked after his mother but she passed away 2 years ago after suffering cancer.

This is the first time I have opened up to what it's been like all these years.

Stay strong 4posterbed - because now that you've opened up for the first time a whole lot more is likely to come back/out, and it can be overwhelming.

Do come back and post, and keep us updated. We're all happy to support you.

It must be quite a revelation to you. You really aren't in the wrong here. Do you know what? If they want to spend their money converting your sister's barn, let them. It's their choice to live with the child that is only doing it for the money.

Enjoy the freedom and the peace of mind that letting it all be down to someone else will bring you. You deserve it, you've dealt with enough of their crap thank you very much!

Remember. You can't change the way they behave, no matter what you do. But you can change the way you react to it. Shrug your shoulders, whatever, and just let them get on with it, and don't take it personally.

When you were a child, your mother told you she would like to kill you. This is very serious emotional abuse in my book, and I assume that it was not a one-off thing, but rather representative of how she treated you generally. My DD is only 3 but she knows I would cut off a limb for her. If you have become the mother you always wanted, your DC know that, too.

You need to keep these toxic people away from your children. No amount of baking and tidying will make this situation acceptable. Do not offer to care for them at your home in their old age. I am not saying to leave them in the gutter -- you can make sure they are comfortable, etc., without letting them upset you and your children.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to see this situation for what it is. I second the idea of talking to a counselor. Good luck.

OP, your parents, especially your mother sound awful, truly, their behaviour and responses have been far from normal. Do you and your DH and children a favour in the long term and detach now. if you want, keep a superficial relationship and see them occasionally but they are individuals who will never be normal.

Please dont make excuses for either of your parents I am afraid that they both sound unpleasant. Just for the record, National Service ended in 1960. Your father is a bully, 2 years of National Service over 50 years ago did not make him like this.

Op I would detach myself from them keep contact to a minimum fr te sake of your kids. Stop trying to please tem and just accept tem for the toxic people they are, don't blooming look after them. You deserve some happiness and to not look after a couple of toxic ungrateful people. Op you sound lively, you really don't need them in your lives

I think you've had a lucky escape, OP. Let your grasping BIL take responsibility for their old age and let your house get a bit messy and comfortable, enjoy your family and your life and if they want to make a fuss, tell them you're too busy to be fussing with their personal cleanliness issues.

You know what, sod grandparents, your kids have a great gift which is a loving and considerate mother. I never had that (though I did have nice grandparents) and I think having a real mother is infinitely preferable.

I think you are about as far from unreasonable as possible. You sound really nice and your parents sound like shits.

It sounds to me like you hold a special place in your heart for your own GPs, possibly because of the lack of warmth at home. Your own DCs don't have the cold home life you suffered and therefore I wouldn't worry so much about what they are missing out on - you are giving them so much more already. Time to say enough is enough.

I'm with dereksmalls.
Would not having your dp in your dc's lives be so detrimental? My own mil is toxic and I do all I can to protect my dc from her. Perhaps you should do the same? I know it is hard to accept that relations are toxic, we all have ideals of the perfect family and when they do not live up, it is difficult. I know. Honestly.

I didn't have grandparents bar one granny I saw quite rarely, and I don't feel I missed out at all tbh. You sound like a very loving and caring parent and that is infinitely more important to your children than grandparents could ever be.

It's sad that you have not got the respect, love and warmth you deserved from your parents. I do tend to agree with other poster that you do seem 'needy' with regards to them.Although you say you no longer want to see them, do you really think you will be able to see that through? It sounds like something will eat away at you. I agree with the others you seem to be caring and loving person, I think it no contact would be a big ask from you. Instead of cutting them off (as I can imagine your guilt and grief should anything happen) step back, stop organising them and stop being disappointed. Your life and your family - you do not need their approval. Let out the flat or re-convert it back into the house - they have said they will not live there. If you see them, you see them - do it on your terms

I feel very sad because we actually wanted to look after them in old age unlike either of my siblings.

This is astounding given the way they speak to your children. I wouldn't want them near mine.

BUT, I feel concerned about the resentment you feel towards BIL and DS - it is highly likely that DM is playing the two of you off against each other. Try as much as you can to share time with them, and don't resent DPs living with them (you ought to be relieved!) and getting their barn conversion. At least someone is getting something to benefit them. But it is important that you have contact with them, they are far more important in your DCs lives than your narcissistic and abusive mother. Welcome them into your home and make sure you return the visits. Show DM that this is about her, and not about you.

They are never going to be able to give you what you want from them, not ever. No matter how kind, how accommodating you are, they just don't care enough.

Just stop trying so hard with them, don't call them, let them call you, if they want something from you, decide as to whether or not it is convenient and respond accordingly.

You reap what you sew. They haven't cared so they can't expect care in return.

It is sad, but no grandparents is preferable to shitty ones.

Your parents sound horrendous - your own mother wanted to kill you because you were ill ? They routinely shout at and criticise your children. I wouldn't want them anywhere near my children. No matter how hard you try to please them, they will never be loving , caring grandparents. TBH it sounds as though they regard you as staff.

You have had a lucky escape with them planning to live with your sister. Don't be surprised though if something goes wrong with that, and they then expect to live in your annexe - or even that they'll expect to live there during conversion, if they have to sell up first. You might want to make the annexed unavailable.

Speaking as a Grandchild whose GPs were cut out of my life for their bad behaviour I would say it is preferable that your DC don't have to spend time with them, especially if they were to see the hurt they cause you.

My DF still tries to please my GPs but they are often so casually cruel its heartbreaking. Also it has sadly made me feel resentful that he misdirects his time and affection when the rest of the family would never do this.

I agree you need to harden up to your parents, they are clearly not bothered about hiding their feelings, why should you have to be so nice and accomodating all of the time?

You need to get a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. I would send you my copy, but have just promised it to someone else.

Get yourself along to Amazon