No longer want to see parents after what they've done (long)

[4posterbed]

It has been 15 years since I had my first child. Parents criticise everything I do, everything the children do yet other other family and friends think I have done a good job and children polite, doing v well at school etc.

Have bent over backwards for my parents, when they make surprise visits, I am, as my husband says, always at their beck and call. I make them nice meals, have an ensuite guest room for them downstairs, drop everything if I know they are coming.

My dad has been kind over the years looking after our home and pets when we wanted to go away. Although the last time he told me he wouldn't look after them again as fair enough, he is getting older. This is no problem as I have a friend who I do an exchange help with pets.

My parents no longer want us staying with them when we visit either, and made a point of never allowing our very quiet and obedient dog to come, fair enough: thier house, their rules.

My sister and her family stay with my parents and her dog does too. My parents explained that as her dog was an untrained puppy she couldn't give it to other people to look after. Also, my parents are in discussion with my sister and her husband for them to pay to convert a barn on my sister's land for a house where they can live.

Fair enough.

We have self contained accomodation at out house for my parents and we have been paying £1500 tax a year on it since we converted it thinking they would be able to use it one day if they needed it.

My parents do not want much to do with their grandchildren and I must admit to being very sad that they have never gone to a school play or spend christmases with them. I told them I thought christmasses were for families and I said I would love if they spent christmas with us and I would happily do all the preparation etc because my mum hates cooking and has always hated the work associated with christmas.

Instead they go on cruises twice a year, one that covers christmas and new year, every year. My parents said that the guest room ensuite we provide is not high enough standard as what they would get going on a cruise.

I must say I am deeply upset and in mourning of what will never be at my parents comments. When they came back from their last christmas cruise in January they said they would stay with us. But they stayed at my sister's instead and 'forgot' the plan with me. I had spent all week baking, cleaning and tidying for them.

After these incidences I feel as if it is the straw that has finally broken the camel's back and this weekend they are at my sister's and just rang to see if they could pop in on their way back home (they live 400 miles away) and I said we were busy.

I have a good relationship with my sister. My mum was an only child and my dad is used to doing everything for her and my sister is definitely her favourite but I don't begrudge that at all. I have tried talking my feelings with my dad and he has told my mum but at the end of the day he doesn't want to rock the boat as my mum has always got to have her own way as she is moody and difficult to live otherwise. At hte end of the day my dad said he shares my mums opinions on preferring cruises to staying with us.

I just feel so hurt that I don't want to see them anymore. AIBU?

I have always thought their intolerance was normal. or at least, it is normal for them, and so something I have always lived with up and until now as I had nothing to compare it to, if you see what I mean.
Not normal in anyway shape or form. Please read the book, please keep them away from your children and please look after yourself.

Your mother said "I want to kill you" to her vulnerable, seriously ill, little daughter (i.e. you)? What an appalling woman! Can you even imagine saying that to your DC? I shouldn't think so.

Thank goodness they aren't living with you- what an awful thing that would be for your children, both in that they would have had to put up with these dreadful people treating them badly in their own home where they should feel safe and happy, AND in that you would then be running around at the beck and call of these people, modelling terrible relationships to them and teaching them some dreadful lessons about rewarding abusive behavious.

You sound like a good mother. You would be very sorry one day to have done this to your children.

Yep, having children is when it starts: you suddenly realise that the way your parents behaved was neither necessary nor normal. That creeping feeling that strikes whenever they, er, do anything.

Your parents sound comedy horrid, but that's almost beside the point. First and foremost, limit contact and don't say yes to things at once. Second, tell your DCs that GM & GP are old, fractious and don't need to be taken that seriously. Third, mourn. Because you won't ever get adequate parents, and that's terribly, terribly sad. Finally, stop mourning, minimise them (so they notice, but be prepared for them not to care) and focus elsewhere in your life.

You are guilty of being far too accomodating.

Make sure your parents fit in with your family, not vice versa. I only say that because they are selfish and you won't change them, if they were selfless, my advice woud be the opposite.

I've found peace with my parents. My parents moved to the other end of the country (the end they dragged me from at 15 because they fancied a change!) when I got pregnant, they still have a house in my village that is on the market (3 years and counting) and have sat back and watched us struggle over the years without ever offering it to us to rent, or part ownership (why should they? well they shouldn't have to, but they offered my sister a similar deal and are still supporting my older brother, who I love but who takes the piss!) and when they do visit, they spend 10 minutes with the children and then they're bored (fair enough) they never offer to babysit, and when I ask them to they put so many conditions on it that it's hardly worth going out.

This is ALL SMALL FRY in the grand scheme of things, but it accumulates in me feeling that me and my family just aren't worthy. My MIL died when my eldest was a baby, and my FIL has Alzheimer's and I spend a lot of time caring for him.

I think I've found peace because I have stopped expecting the impossible dream. I have also stopped TRYING to get them to want to see me and my family, I have stopped trying to impress them, stopped begging for their interest.

We get on a whole lot better, my mum even said she missed me the other day, she rings more often to speak to the children, she offers to put us up in a holiday cottage in their village so we can visit (we decided to stop taking our only holidays to their village and did our own thing instead)...

I THINK my point is, please, stop trying to be what you think they want you to be, stop trying to make them change... accept that is how they are, don't cater for it. They will either become more involved or they won't, but you won't feel like a court jester or village fool anymore. Good luck OP.

Sorry this is long, it resonated with me! Please don't 'cut ties' you don't need to take any action other than stopping being at their beck and call.

You've all been absolutely brilliant and made me see it from all angles. My dh knows it's been a huge relief for me to unburden myself with all this in a neutral and anonymous way, he held my hand as we went through all the responses.

We had a massive family cuddle! Today I've been out with my eldest dd and explained to her how I didn't like the way that gps criticised her endlessly but that I had that growing up. She said she doesn't think she's missed out on having a loving relationship with her gps at all as they have been really unkind and judgemental to all their gchildren, not just to my dc.

She said her cousins do not want the gps coming to live with them but as they will be at university and have developed a detached mechanism to deal with the hurtful and rude comments they always make.

When my nephew was only 10 my dad produced a 15 point report of everything he didn't like about him (hands in pockets, slouching, scruffy clothes etc).

I kid you not. My sister and I laughed about it at the time but it was deeply hurtful, of course. Of course we derided my dad but he said 'my house my rules' and has always thought children need to have a dose of national service to put them straight.

My mum was always shouting orders and when queried it was always BECAUSE I TOLD YOU SO.

She puts on a pleasant 'telephone voice' if someone ever rang the house or fake pleasantries if ever visited. As soon as the call was over or the visitor left, she would be back to her usual thunderous and moody self.

Oh my. Every time my dps visit us they bitch about my sister and her kids and whenever they go to hers we know they complain like merry hell about ours.

I know it won't last, my parents and my sister will fall out and they may well then come knocking on the door.

Our plans are at the council to incorporate our self contained accomodation back
into the main house.

Good news. I pity your poor DSis taking them on, but I don't think it will last.

Privately, I think it's hard cheese on her children effectively losing their home to your DPs - univs do have holidays and it won't be much fun for them coming back. But keep the laughing up - everyone's going to need it.

My mouth literally fell open at your father's 15-point report into a young boy's shortcomings

He's a shit and no mistake. I bet there's more, isn't there? He's made a career out of bullying ALL of you.

Good on your dd for being so sensible and good on you for putting an END to this now. Feel no guilt for not taking them in. Remember always they rejected your offer and you have NO obligation to offer again.

I think you incorporating the accommodation back into your own home may be a shock to your parents. I bet they look at it as a "hold" over you that you have kept it for them for all this time and will suddenly want to stay at yours. Its all about control.

I think it is the right thing to convert it back - after-all your children are getting bigger and need more space.

It will also be a huge detachment from your parents which I feel you MUST do. Do not let them try and change your mind. If they decide that they suddenly wish to stay at yours in the future, do not give up yours or your children's bed for them - offer a blow up mattress in the front room. As again it will be a control thing.

4poster you got your answer, stop pleasing them, you are only adding to ter petulance an egos, cool things off between you ad enjoy your lov famil and tat you don't have to have them living with you. Do you want to be a prisoner in you home, no so put a stop to it!

Yes convert te annex into somethingvthing else so they don't have that control over you

You Mum could have been mine!
The moods etc.
My Db and I went to boarding school when we were six!!!
When we left school we had to all live together again as strangers.
My DM died two years ago and in the 10 months of her illness she expected me to look after her in her house, 300 miles away from my home and business.
Although I have two spare bedrooms, one downstairs with en-suite. My DD is a doctor and could have been on hand to help also.
But no she did not want to leave my SD who was in a home with dementia and never knew she was there anyway!
She never once thanked me, or once told me she loved me but left me a fortune!
I would give it all up just to have one day with the mother I should of had.
In your situation with what I know now your DP will not change.
I feel for you.

Your parents don't sound like happy people to me - but sadly they are cutting themselves off from support and love.

This thread resonates with me, too. I've spent most of my life feeling like I'm not good enough and running around trying to please and to fend off criticism.

Now my mum is an old lady, on her own, getting ill, and will need more support, but its only in the last few weeks that I've just had enough and withdrawn support for a bit while I look after my own mental health. I wish I'd tackled it earlier but she was not so bad when she was with my step father and I didn't mind so much if she was busy with her life with him. There is no way she would want to move in with me or my brother, though!

I'm so glad you have taken all this good advice on board. You cannot make your parents be the people you want them to be, unfortunately. You need to cut your losses and move on with your family and people who love you. I have a toxic mother and its very hurtful but so liberating when you cut those ties.

ps they sound like spoilt bullies. You are better off without them

"I know it won't last, my parents and my sister will fall out and they may well then come knocking on the door.

Our plans are at the council to incorporate our self contained accomodation back into the main house."

I am so glad to hear that - because you are right, at some point they would come to you looking for you to run yourself ragged over them. Either falling out with your sister, your BIL, or just plain needing physical care that they know only you would do. And they don't deserve you, they really don't. And you sure as hell don't deserve them! With a bit of luck, by the time they come a-knocking, you'll be completely over them and what they did to you. And you'll have the fun of picking their care home [evil ]!

I do think that it is important to maintain good relations if you can - for your own sake.

I find my mum really difficult but I can't change her now and I don't want her to be unhappy in her old age and for things to be horrible when the time comes.

Keep communicating with your siblings - I have pretty much cut contact with my brother for good reason but its very lonely.

I do think that it is important to maintain good relations if you can - for your own sake.
There don't appear to be any good relations to maintain.
You reap what you sow, and they don't deserve any of the OP's time.

I would rather be lonely than be miserable

I'm astonished you want them in your children's lives don't you realise they will fuck them up if they are and also that you want to look after them. Do you actually like abuse and/or are you a martyr?! Sorry to sound so blunt but you must be so used to being treated like crap by them that you think it's normal?!

Please stop. Get counselling - do something to see that they are horrible, horrible, toxic people who you need to stay away from.

Free downloadable version of "Toxic Parents" here

I urge you to read it.

Glad you ae seeing your way through this dilemma. The one thing your parents can hurt you with is to come between you and your sister. Make sure you keep a check on that and stay in close contact with her.

I won't fall out with my sister over this, we have endured a lot over the years and if anything, she will need me more than ever once they've moved in to vent her frustration to!

Humour has been the best way to deal with their worst excesses we have found, but only because what they do and say is (now I appreciate) beyond belief.

My dc coined the phrases Grumpy Grandad and Grouchy Grandma years ago and the pair of them laughed awkwardly when they realised that was their names as far as my dc are concerned.

My dad fell out with his only brother after endlessly needling him over the years. The last time he visited he told my uncle to lose weight amongst other things. Now he is sad that my uncle never contacts him.

My dad told me that my db never goes round to the house anymore, either.

Last time my my dad was here he had me in floods of tears after a litany of complaints and then said he was sorry and was only telling me to point out where I was going wrong to try and be helpful.

They have left my sister's and gone home now.

One year after being particularly sad about not having a loving mother, I send my mother the biggest, brashest Mother's Day card I could find with the words: thank you for being the Best Mother in the World, always being there for me; the love you have shown me is in all the little things, like our cosy chats over a cup of tea, holding my hand in sickness.. you get the picture.

Anyway, my mum did not see the irony in it at all and was delighted with it and so that is the type of card I always send her, hoping the words will rub off one of these days.

Now I have to forge ahead, a new me. I think I will only contact them when they contact me and I certainly won't offering to put them up here ever again.

My BIL has already fenced off a garden for them for their new home and I am delighted for them!

I think your BIL may have sold his soul for a barn conversion.
Make sure you reincorporate the flat into your house quickly and save yourself some money then when they come knocking you can tell them to bugger off. Will they still be able to pay for care if they have paid for your BIL's barn conversion and it doesn't work out?
If they move in with you your life will be ruined.

We have similar issues with PIL and it does help when you know there are others in the same position.

You are not responsable for your parents, they were supposed to be responsable for you.

I've wasted a lot of time feeling guilty that I cannot fix the relationship between myself and my parents, until I realised its not my problem to fix. It's theirs, if they choose to, if they dont, well thats beyond my control so I'm just going to enjoy the family I've made with DH.

Good luck OP.

Seriously, why would you want them staying with you? You've had such a lucky escape!