to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

[alisunshine29]

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

[Amykins]

But going to court would be better than nothing, surely. You do not know what the judge will say! Unless you have been advised to the contrary, the only options open are to go through courts, mediation.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

He needs to get to court and get that access going again, my friends DB has spent an absolute fortune, taking his ex to court to get access to his son, he tried so hard and he got it, he needs to get ready and get to court, even if its at a contact centre to start, its better than nothing.

[Amykins]

Any contact would be better than none, surely.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Jesus woman, stop making excuses! It's pitiful, it really is. You don't get it, do you? This is not about him, or his ex, or you, or how much time has passed, or what his shifts are, or what a judge may or may not say, or any other goddamn excuse you or he can come up with. It's about his kids. The ones he's given up on. The ones he hid from, ffs.

You still haven't told us what he said when you told him hiding from them was an awful way to behave. But no count he'd just make yet another excuse.

[RubyrooUK]

If your DP really wants this to happen and it's stress and anxiety stopping him, why not suggest counselling?

Because all the divorced dads I know find it stressful dealing with their exes. Ditto the divorced mums I know. But none of them would stop contact with the children over it.

So if you think there is a genuine anxiety and stress that your DP cannot deal with at the root of this, why not suggest counselling? He could adopt some coping strategies that would make it easier for him to deal with the process of seeing his children.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

No doubt, not no count

[KatieMiddleton]

Being a parent is about putting the children's needs before our own.

Can't attend events that his ex-w is at? Can't go to parents' evenings? Why the hell not?!

He needs to step up.

Don't you feel your respect for this man seeping away?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He does want to be their dad."
He doesn't want it enough to actually do anything about it.

[RubyrooUK]

And the stuff about refusing to attend kids' shows with his ex? Going to those things is just putting the kids first which is what children do. If he cannot attend because the stress literally makes him ill, on the other hand, then he should go for counselling so he can get over it.

[RubyrooUK]

What "parents" do, not children.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

My life is my child, and no one can ever keep me from her, my heart beats for that girl, my needs, my dreams, what i want comes second, to what she needs, i've had depression and lost her for a while, but i pulled myself up, got better, shook myself, to get her back.

If your DP wanted to go to court to get access, he would do it, he needs to forget what happened between him and exW, and remember his kids need him, and hes denying them, you cant say what his ex is like, but you can help your DP get a relationship with his DC's, i just dont think his heart is in it.

[IneedAgoldenNickname]

My ex, and therefore his new partner, will tell anyone that will listen that I am unreasonable, or that I stop him seeing our dc. Actually, all I've ever done us refuse to allow them to travel in his work vehicle, as there are no seatbelts in the front and only seats. Plus I asked him to pick them up from my mums once, he refused, but Mum was babysitting as I was away.

On the other hand, he told the DC he'd have them on weds this week. I text him that morn asking what time and he replied 'can't have them now as we want to take the kids (hers) out for a family day and can't fit them all in one car' his own children missed a 'family' day out, yet her kids, who he lives with and sees everyday get a treat!

Like I said, him and her both vilify me to everyone, and I'm sure they'd make excuses for why he canceled on them this week. Doesn't make the tears I dealt with all morning any easier though.

Sounds to me like your dp needs to step up, and you both need top stop making excuses!

[SquinkiesRule]

That was a terrible way to behave, I really hope his children hadn't spotted him.
50 miles is nothing, my Dh drives that far to work 5 days a week (and another 50 home) On his day off he should be able to meet them from school and take them for tea on the weeks he can't have them on the weekend. Shame on him.

[alisunshine29]

I don't think his heart is in it either. I guess I just struggle to understand how he can compartmentalise his life and bury his head in the sand to this extent. I'd be more than willing to help/advise/support but if he won't take the first step then I can't actually force him. I think choosing not to see them at the pool (if they were actually there) was done purely for cowardly reasons. But I think it wouldn't have been good for the kids to be reminded of him for him to disappear again. We all live in the same county and with children so close in age it's likely we'll bump into them at some point. I would just prefer if my daughter had a regular good relationship with her half siblings rather than potentially bumping into them in years to come.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

He really wants to be there dad, but clearly not enough to make himself available twice a month.

Now your talking nonsense

[alisunshine29]

So you'd suggest he quit his job and do that?

[OptimisticPessimist]

He's had 16 months to request flexible working from his employer and/or seek new employment that's more suitable to work around a standard contact arrangement. Has he done either of those things?

[DonderandBlitzen]

I was going to ask if he has been looking for work which would enable him to have the children 2 weekends a month too. Has he? 2 weekends a month isn't much to ask. Many separated dads see their children every weekend.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Now your being silly there's the thing called arranging time off unpaid or annual leave.

Its what every decent parent has to do. Its called being a parent.

What would he do if you had to go into hospital and nobody else was available to look after your child. Would it still be perfectly ok for him to just not bother.

Or is your child far more important than his other children

[KatieMiddleton]

I think your right OP. He just doesn't want to do it or he's try.

He can make a flexible working request, look for another job or self represent in court proceedings. He's done none of those things.

You say there is an issue with pick up and dropping off. Again it could be sorted if be wanted to either by applying for a court order that will either adjust the days to make it work or insist she does half the pick ups/drop offs. Of course you could look at a childminder or after school club for one day a fortnight to solve the clash of school pick up.

But be has done nothing. I would find it very hard to love with that. I know what depression can do to me someone. When getting washed and dressed or sending an email can feel utterly overwhelming... and yet still the dc get washed and fed and looked after.

It is never too late.

[alisunshine29]

He has a career rather than a job and no he isn't able to get the time off on the basis of his kids. He could quit but then his job would be substantially lower paid and therefore maintenance would reduce meaning his ex would do her best to block contact as he wouldn't be keeping them to the standard they're used to - this was by her own admission.

[WilsonFrickett]

I'm stopping reading the thread at page 2 because it is too upsetting personally for me. But I would like to assure your P that not only did I not want to live with my dad, I never wanted to see his lazy, feckless, selfish, ostrich face ever again. And he's never met his grandson either. Because if he couldnt be arsed withme, he doesnt get to be arsed with him.

::hiding thread::

[alisunshine29]

His ex won't allow her children to go to after school club and doesn't want me to be seen collecting her kids from school.

[OptimisticPessimist]

But sometimes as a parent your job or your career just doesn't fit in with your responsibilities and if you can't make it fit then you have to change roles. Has he looked for similar jobs with more family friendly hours? Has he tried to find a re-training opportunity? Or has he just dug his heels in and said "no, can't do that, ex is unreasonable, it's so unfair, whine whine whine"?

[Bobyan]

He has a career rather than a job

Yet another excuse, what the hell do you think everyone else who has a career and children does? You just don't get it do you OP? He just can't be bothered.