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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to put friends DC to bed when babysitting

57 replies

Solola · 22/02/2013 11:27

Help me out here, I thought that I was being reasonable - but perhaps not?

I'm friends with a group of local mums and we all have preschool age DC. We babysit for each other as a favour from time to time. I normally babysit once or twice a month for friends.

My 3 DC are in bed by 7 o clock and I'd never expect anyone babysitting to put them to bed (except, very rarely, my parents will do that). I know that bedtime varies from family to family and so when people have asked if I can babysit starting in the early evening, I've normally said I'm happy to as long as they put their own children to bed before they go out.

A few friends have looked a bit surprised/offended when I said that. I tried to say it in a nice way and I explained to them it is not that I don't like or want to see their children. It is just that after putting my own 3 to bed which can be quite exhausting, I'd rather not then go straight out and do bath/bed/stories with friends children.

Is that fair enough, or does it come across as a bit mean?

OP posts:

SpicyPear · 22/02/2013 11:28

A bit mean really. I've never heard of that before.

ISeeSmallPeople · 22/02/2013 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diplodocus · 22/02/2013 11:31

I always ensure any babysitter comes before the kids were in bed so they aren't shocked or scared if they wake up and find me gone and someone else in the house (they would always know them anyway but I still think it's nicer this way). I don't think they'd settle if they knew a babysitter was coming (they're very fond of the people we use!) so I can't see it working anyway. I've only ever used paid babysitters though, so it's not like people doing it as a favour.

wreckedone · 22/02/2013 11:33

I've babysat and had to feed,bath and do bedtime, but couldn't ask a babysitter to do that for my lad-he's still breastfed at bedtime . But my parents were a bit shocked when I babysat as a teen and the kids were still up when I arrived-apparently we were all asleep in bed before the babysitter arrived when we were kids.

Sparkletastic · 22/02/2013 11:33

I would always put my kids to bed if it was anyone other than family looking after them when they were little.

YellowDinosaur · 22/02/2013 11:33

I think it's fair enough. But given that your friends clearly don't I'd prepare yourself for the fact that some of them might decide they don't want to babysit for you of you won't return the unequal favour.

I was involved with trying to set up a babysitting circle on the estate where I love but for one reason and another it ended up just being me and one other Mum. When she had a second baby naturally it stopped. However I got a message from her when her baby was about 3 months old saying she was up for starting it up again and threw into the mix that her baby sometimes doesn't go to sleep until 9 or 10. I politely declined - I have 2 boys aged 5 and 7 who would be in bed for her to have a relaxing evening. I didn't think out was exactly a fair swap to expect me to be looking after her awake small baby and putting her to bed...

Pagwatch · 22/02/2013 11:34

Are you sure that ou are not misunderstanding each other.

If you said to me that you wanted the children to be in bed I would be nonplussed.

My dc are always in pyjamas etc. they just stay up to see the person babysitting and say hello. They might play for a bit or watch the end of a programme or film.

That wouldn't be a problem would it ? To tell an 8 year old (for example) that they have to be sitting in bed or you will have the hump is really odd.
Have I misunderstood?

YellowDinosaur · 22/02/2013 11:34

Estate where I live ffs!

GroupieGirl · 22/02/2013 11:35

I give babysitters the choice. Simple.

HollyBerryBush · 22/02/2013 11:37

Have I lost something in the gist of this - why would you be bathing someone elses children at bed time?

DaveMccave · 22/02/2013 11:40

Like you I was surprised when I started babysitting for friends to find their kids still awake and then giving me a vague bed time for them and saying in front of them 'they can stay up abit later if they want' great, thanks! However, I think it's just that I wouldn't leave my dd awake as she's a bloody nightmare at bedtime. In my experience further down the line, other people's kids are a joy to put to bed and fall asleep without fuss so it's no the hassle I initially expected. I just go with the flow now. Maybe start giving yourself a break from your own dc's bedtime when it's your turn for a sitter?

McNewPants2013 · 22/02/2013 11:40

Depends on who is babysitting.

My sister tells me not to do any bedtime routine as she enjoys doing the bedtime routine.

neolara · 22/02/2013 11:40

I think it depends how old the child is. I would never expect a babysitter to put a one or two year old to bed. In fact, my 3 year old is a nightmare also. However, I would happily leave 6 and 8 year olds in pyjamas ready to put themselves to bed at the appropriate time.

Original poster

Solola · 22/02/2013 11:47

Hmm

I think that is a good point about their children wanting to meet whoever is babysitting them before going to bed - but they could do that before parents leave and then parents put them in bed. I sometimes do this. We all know each other and children know me very well as I look after them during the day sometimes too.

It is mostly preschool age children so maybe as they grow older perhaps expectations would change but I agree expecting 8 year old to sit awake in bedroom would be mean.

Before having my own children I used to love seeing the children I babysat for. But now I have my own 3, although I love putting them to bed I do for some reason find it emotionally exhausting at times. They are emotional and tired and I maybe absorb some of that but I normally come down and just want to crash out.

I think it is what some other posters have described as an unfair swap that bothers me. I always have nice chocs or cake out and some DVds and try and make it a relaxing experience if anyone else is doing me a babysitting favour so I do find it difficult if I go to theirs and end up spending the first hour or so with children awake and then doing bedtime routine.

Scratch the bit about bath time. I don't think anyone has actually asked me to do that recently - although I do remember doing that as a teenage babysitting.

OP posts:

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 22/02/2013 11:52

I've put my sisters DC's to bed before, shes never expected me to bath them, just follow the routine of nappy change, DNieces bottle, and bedtimes, i think that is fair enough.

Cassarick · 22/02/2013 11:52

I would NEVER let my children go to bed then wake up to find me missing and a stranger there. That's just lunacy.

nokidshere · 22/02/2013 12:10

When my boys were small they would always be bathed and in pj's ready for bed if we were going out. More often than not they would already be asleep before we left. I wouldn't expect anyone else to bath them and get them ready for bed.

As they got older they were obviously still up and would take themselves to bed at an agreed time.

Now they are 11 and 14 my babysitter often takes them out somewhere (cinema etc) or they just hang out till she sends them to bed.

Branleuse · 22/02/2013 12:15

i wouldnt put other peoples kids to bed either.

Trills · 22/02/2013 12:15

YANBU to not want to, but as YellowDinosaur says your friends may not want to do babysitting swaps with you if you won't do it.

Thumbwitch · 22/02/2013 12:17

I guess it would depend on how much hard work it was to get them into bed?

When I babysat in my teens, the smaller child was always in bed, or just about to go to bed - the older one (still only pre-school to start with, then at infants') was ready for bed but still up, and I had to take him up to bed and read him a story (no big deal for me). I never had to do bathroom routines, iirc (it's a long time ago!)

The only person I've had babysit for me in the evenings is MIL, and she also has DS1 over at hers overnight for "sleepovers" - so she does the whole routine, but that's different, IMO.
I don't think I'd ask anyone else to do it, I'd make sure DS1 was ready for bed, pref in bed. But it's not going to be an issue any time soon, because DS2 is still only 4.5mo and MIL does all our babysitting as and when (not often!) required.

SavoyCabbage · 22/02/2013 12:20

She's not a stranger though. She knows the children.

I wouldn't have expected a babysitter to put my dc to bed, especially like you say, one who has just put her own dc to bed minutes earlier. I would say "I'm going out and Rita is babysitting until I get home so be good and go to sleep."

Mine are 6&8 now and I think I would be able to say to them "when this programme has finished, switch the tv off, brush your teeth, read for 20 minutes and then turn off the lights"

StillSeekingSpike · 22/02/2013 12:21

When I was a teenager babysitter, I would always put the children to bed. It's hardly fair to expect the parents to get the children ready as well as themselves.

amck5700 · 22/02/2013 12:21

I think it depends, I babysit for my neighbour from time to time and she does the same for me. My boys are 11 and 12, I don't have them in bed, she just comes over and watches tv/reads a book etc to be in the house, while they do their own thing. She gives them a shout about 10ish to get some supper but I say if they are no bothering her, it's okay to leave them up until we get back (we are never very late). Her two are 7 and 4, when they were a bit younger they were in bed. Now they are usually ready for bed and I'll do a story and chase them up. I don't really look at it as whether it is equal or not tbh - we have children of different ages, we both don't have any family and are just glad to have someone available to sit.

Sometimes my two just go over to hers for a while to watch a movie with her kids and then she brings them over to ours while her other half puts hers to bed.

I don't really care.

I can see your point though if you've gone to the effort to get yours a way and they haven't bothered. On the rare occaisons we had a sitter when mine were pre school, we'd alwasy time it so they were in bed when the sitter came. sometimes they would get up for a wee peek but were good at going into bed themselves and not getting up again.

ENormaSnob · 22/02/2013 12:27

Depends on the ages imo.

And if they'll just go to bed as told.

I wouldn't really want to be doing the bedtime routine for other kids tbh although telling an older child that it's bed time is not really an issue.

Pagwatch · 22/02/2013 12:34

ENormaSnob is right too about if they just go to bed when told. Mine did without any problem from very young so 'putting them to bed' just involves' saying 'come on - bedtime' and tucking them in. 2 mins.

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