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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to put friends DC to bed when babysitting

57 replies

Solola · 22/02/2013 11:27

Help me out here, I thought that I was being reasonable - but perhaps not?

I'm friends with a group of local mums and we all have preschool age DC. We babysit for each other as a favour from time to time. I normally babysit once or twice a month for friends.

My 3 DC are in bed by 7 o clock and I'd never expect anyone babysitting to put them to bed (except, very rarely, my parents will do that). I know that bedtime varies from family to family and so when people have asked if I can babysit starting in the early evening, I've normally said I'm happy to as long as they put their own children to bed before they go out.

A few friends have looked a bit surprised/offended when I said that. I tried to say it in a nice way and I explained to them it is not that I don't like or want to see their children. It is just that after putting my own 3 to bed which can be quite exhausting, I'd rather not then go straight out and do bath/bed/stories with friends children.

Is that fair enough, or does it come across as a bit mean?

OP posts:

DIYapprentice · 22/02/2013 12:37

I much prefer to let my DC meet their babysitter. Also, I am very limited in the number of places I can go to if I leave it too after they are in bed, so it just wouldn't be worth it to me. But that's why I declined to be part of a babysitting circle, TBH.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/02/2013 12:37

I babysat for years and nine times out of ten had to put the children to bed (no bathing). It was part of it. I don't use babysitters as my two are very clingy and we co-sleep so it'd be a shedload of hassle.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/02/2013 12:44

I used to babysit a lot. I have never gone to a house where the children were already in bed. I now have a DS(5) and part of the fun comes when I list my strict demands (no treats, in bed by 7.45 at the latest etc.) and DS and the sitter exchange and looks.

I suppose I think of babysitting, not just in terms of having an adult with a child, but as an opportunity for that adult and that child to spend fun time together and develop their own relationship.

Viviennemary · 22/02/2013 12:49

I think the parents should get the children ready for bed. And should be in pyjamas when the babysitter comes. Unless they are older children and can get themselves ready for bed.

amck5700 · 22/02/2013 12:54

Not everyone who babysits necessarily wants to build a bond with the children they are sitting for though.

I quite like the 2 I babysit for, I am quite happy to chat to them on the street and read them a story. But actually, I don't really like kids that much tbh (my own excepted obviously). So, if I was sitting for someone as a favour I wouldn't see it as a treat and opportunity for me to bond with their kids. I'd like them up in bed or at least about to go.

Maybe it's because I work full time and have my own family to look after, I'd rather have the peace and quiet to myself.

ENormaSnob · 22/02/2013 12:59

Me too amck.

I really wouldn't see it as and have no interest in a bonding session.

Tbh, I would find it a chore.

steppemum · 22/02/2013 13:01

I actually think it is part of the job of babysitting to put the kids to bed. I always have.

I do make sure they are all ready - baths and pjs done etc as that makes it easier, but if I tell mine that a babysitter is coming, then they really want time with the babysitter and especially that she/he reads the story. We usually choose one 'together' so I know it is short enough, and then babysitter does story and lights out.

I have 3 so it is 2 x story and lights out, and then 1x goodnight, remove book, torch, clock, extra book hidden under pillow, ds etc, and lights out. Then nip back up after 10 mins to check lights are still out, and remove extra book being read by light of his watch and then peaceful evening.

busy until 8, then peaceful.

Think you are being a bit unreasonable here. If I put dd2 (youngest - 5 yo) to bed before you arrive, she would get up to see you!

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/02/2013 13:07

If I felt like that I just wouldn't babysit. Nor would I ask anyone who thought that.

AmandaPayne · 22/02/2013 13:14

I think it is reasonable to expect pre-school children will be bathed and in pjs when you arrive. Whether putting them to bed is reasonable depends a lot for me on how easy that is. If it is just 'upstairs, story, light out' then fine. If like my children it is a long drawn out performance with songs and discussions and the baby having a fit if it isn't me, then no, I wouldn't expect a babysitter to do it.

amck5700 · 22/02/2013 13:15

great Dionne, that suits me :) . I actually only babysit for my neighbour and as I say, I quite like her boys - remind me a lot of mine. I do read them stories - we even make one up. However, I prefer adult company or no company and I like my neighbour so I do it for her. I remember how it feels to have no-one to sit for you. The boys like me being a bit grumpy - they usually only try one get up and I put them straight! They do however sleep in their own bed all night when I've sat, something they rarely do for their parents - and it isn't fear that keeps them there. They get quite excited that I am coming to babysit....lord know why

NopeStillNothing · 22/02/2013 13:15

It depends on the age/ temperament of the children and my relationship to them. My ds is 18m and I will always put him to bed before I leave unless it was Granny and Grandad babysitting.
I would not be too happy putting somebody elses child to bed if they were young.

rodandtheemu · 22/02/2013 13:24

Hell get them to bed! After looking after my own two all day, i don't want to start faffing about with some one elses.

I'm totally not interested in building 'relationships' with them.
It does depend on age...young ones should be happy and in in the land of nod and older ones watching DvDs in bed.

Once when i was a teenager sitting for 2 sisters, their mum had left them 'playing out on the front'. When I went to get them they had vanished! Que me panicking phoning MY mum and her getting the girls mum back from the pub while i looked for them. They were in some bodys back garden and the girls mums was really pissed off, she had been dragged from her night out!

After sitting for a family member and her 2 Dc were running round like loonies, refusing to settle down, I put my foot down and said, get them to bed before i come. If they want to go out that bad they will. Also my Dc used to baby sit for her aunty (on DF side)from 7pm-2 in the morning (till i put a stop to it) with 6 kids, all of them up and needing to be put down, form 6 months to ten! Then tried to get away with giving her £20 quid!

I was very lucky that when I used to go out it was DM or MIL who was having them for day/night anyway.

Whocansay · 22/02/2013 13:32

I don't babysit for children I don't know and I expect them to be in bed when I get there. I wouldn't mind reading them a bedtime story and put them to bed, but I would be pissed off if asked to do the full routine. I think its rude to expect it, tbh.

tumbletumble · 22/02/2013 13:34

It's great that your DC are all in bed by 7, and I empathise that you don't really want to do another bedtime routine after settling your own, but as you said in your OP, it's different in different families. My DS1 doesn't need much sleep and goes to bed at 8.30 (the other 2 are usually asleep by 7). If we weren't able to go out till then, it would be quite annoying (depending on what we had planned for the evening).

So YANBU to feel this way but you must understand that this takes away half the value of your kind offer to babysit.

rodandtheemu · 22/02/2013 13:45

quite annoying if you cant go out early? lol yep kids are an inconvienence!

tumbletumble · 22/02/2013 13:48

I'm talking about the occasional night out, maybe once a month or so

amck5700 · 22/02/2013 13:50

rod :o

this is going to sound harsh, but if you want to go out early then you need to a, get them into a routine that means they go to bed early, or b, find a really sympathetic volunteer babysitter or c, pay someone and then they are being compensated for the inconvenience.

amck5700 · 22/02/2013 13:52

tumble once a month or so sounds more than occaisional to me - think we managed our anniversary only for many years...and even then not always. b/
Cub/Scout camps became our saviour until my neighbours kids were old enough to need sat for.

wonkylegs · 22/02/2013 13:53

Our 16yo babysitter often puts DS to bed, quite often she babysits to cover the period between me leaving for a professional function (early evening) and DH getting home (he works a long way away and clinics often overrun)
He doesn't get a bath every night but if he needs one on a night she's coming then I'll do it early. Although she did give him one once after a toilet accident. (I gave her a little extra because she went over & above)
Occasionally she also oversees him eating tea, I cook it before I leave.
Usually she puts him in PJs, does a story if he wants one & puts him to bed which he does far better and without fuss with her rather than the chaos that is bedtime overseen by us .

tumbletumble · 22/02/2013 13:53

Yes I agree amck - and I did tell the OP she was NBU. But I was just letting her know how her 'rule' would impact on the people she was babysitting for.

hugoagogo · 22/02/2013 13:53

I always made sure my dc were in bed before the babysitter arrived, unless it was my Mum babysitting.

I have been asked to read a bedtime story sometimes when babysitting, which I don't really mind, but I wouldn't want to do the whole bedtime routine either.

amck5700 · 22/02/2013 14:09

thats fair enough tumble - everyone feels differently about it I guess, some people love nothing more than spending time with little kids, I don't hate them, but I'd rather not - I like being able to help my neighbour, but I don't look forward to it and it doesn't worry me to put them to bed, but I do secretly wish they were already there when I get to them.

rodandtheemu · 22/02/2013 14:20

tumble - the OP is actually doing them a favour?? If they feel agreived or put out they have to put there own children to bed before they go out maybe parenthood is'nt for them....they are their responsibilty. Each to there own i guess.. but i bet you get asked a lot! In fact where do you live can you come and sit my last one when I have her??

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Original poster

Solola · 22/02/2013 14:21

I really don't see babysitting as 'bonding' time with the children either. It would be different if they were family (love putting my niece to bed) or a godson/daughter. But a friends children? Not really - I see enough of them when we meet up during the day.

I think as a teenage babysitter I'd have been disappointed if children were in bed - now I spend all day with my own, it's the opposite!

I thought that when someone asks if I could babysit, rather than just 'politely decline' as one poster put it, I'd just say I'm happy to do it but would rather not put them to bed. Then the parents have the option to go either go out a bit later, or put kids in bed a bit earlier, or find someone who is willing to do the bedtime routine.

It's no problem to me to have a quick chat and say goodnight to children before parents leave. And of course Cassarick most parents would tell their children they were going out and there would be a babysitter before they put them to bed, surely?

OP posts:

tumbletumble · 22/02/2013 14:28

Rod - yes OP is doing a favour, but it sounds like they babysit for her in return so not a completely selfless favour?

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