to not want to put friends DC to bed when babysitting

[Solola]

Help me out here, I thought that I was being reasonable - but perhaps not?

I'm friends with a group of local mums and we all have preschool age DC. We babysit for each other as a favour from time to time. I normally babysit once or twice a month for friends.

My 3 DC are in bed by 7 o clock and I'd never expect anyone babysitting to put them to bed (except, very rarely, my parents will do that). I know that bedtime varies from family to family and so when people have asked if I can babysit starting in the early evening, I've normally said I'm happy to as long as they put their own children to bed before they go out.

A few friends have looked a bit surprised/offended when I said that. I tried to say it in a nice way and I explained to them it is not that I don't like or want to see their children. It is just that after putting my own 3 to bed which can be quite exhausting, I'd rather not then go straight out and do bath/bed/stories with friends children.

Is that fair enough, or does it come across as a bit mean?

I think if you are in a babysitting circle, you would put their kids to bed and when it's their turn,they would put yours to bed. Agree no bath etc but just a half hour bedtime routine. Yes it's tiring after you've done your own but it seems as though you are doing it to "earn" babysitting back so I think in that sense it's fair enough.

Agree that it's not for bonding but just so the children can be familiar with the fact that you are there before they go to sleep and so parents can go out reasonably early.

If you think babysitting is just being there while they sleep and the others think exactly the same then that's fine. But if anyone wants to go out a bit earlier it will involve a bit of bedtime routine and you can expect the same when it's your turn.

Oh no, not a selfless favour at all, they do babysit for me in return. I actually really enjoy going round to babysit in someone elses house, a chance for me to curl up with good book or TV and not see all the things that need doing as I would in my own house.

I just don't relish the thought of doing the bedtime routine when I'm wiped out from having just done it all with my own DC.

...and I wouldn't expect anyone else to do that for me either.

Maybe it's the expectation here that is the issue. If they said, "we really need to go out earlier than we would normally as we have tickets for a show that starts at X, whilst we will get the kids ready for bed, it's probably going to be counterproductive to try to put them in bed before they are tired, could you just this oince put them to bed an hour after we leave?" then i guess you have the opportunity to say whether that suits you or not. You don't have to be blatent about that, you just say something alomg the lines that you cant make it that early/your child wont settle at the moment without you there etc.

Other than particular events like concerts, surely you have some leeway on what time you go? even if it is a party etc rather than just dinner out as a couple.

We always have the kids (5, 3 and 5 months) in bed before we leave the babysitter. The older two often want to say hello before they go to bed but that is fair enough and then they go to bed before we leave the house. The 5 month old is BF so I need to be there for bedtime. My friends who I babysit for do the same thing, I would think it was pretty standard for preschoolers.

When we visit my Mum we do just leave her to it but she likes doing the whole routine so I get to have a lovely time getting ready to go out while she feeds/baths/reads their stories etc. And I know she'll get them to bed by decent time, my MIL thinks it's fine for a three year old to be up at midnight and I can do without dealing with the consequences of that the next day after an evening out. It does make it feel more like a treat to get out of the whole bedtime routine but it's a lot to ask someone else to do when they've done their own bedtime routine before they come to you.

I actually really enjoy going round to babysit in someone elses house, a chance for me to curl up with good book or TV and not see all the things that need doing as I would in my own house

I would like that too but you can't assume that that's what you will get. I think you are being a little bit unrealistic about what babysitting actually is. Perhaps what you are really saying is that you are already full up with commitments and demands and babysitting feels like one too many. .