Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be outraged at being asked to contribute to prom dress for DD (aged 11) by Ex-H?

84 replies

Moominlandmidwinter · 21/02/2013 16:37

DD1 had been at her father's since yesterday, with it being half-term. She's just got back. She's just sidled up to me (I could tell that she was going to ask for something!) and said that her dad had taken her to look at prom dresses yesterday, and he wants me to go halves on a dress for her year 6 leavers' party. I was in the shop in question myself yesterday, as my 16 year old sister was looking for a dress for a prom in June, and wanted a second opinion. The dresses range in price from £175-£300+.

There are several reasons why I have said no. 1. I personally think it's ridiculous that there is a primary school prom. I have already succumbed to peer pressure, and agreed to pay £30 towards a limo. 2. She has several pretty party dresses that she has hardly worn, and would look much nicer in one of them IMHO. 3. Ex-H has our two DDs 3 nights per week, and pays £136 per month child maintenance. Once school meals are paid, it leaves approx. £35 per child, per month, and I pay for all school trips (residential one coming up), clothing, school uniforms etc. I never ask him for extra money for anything, yet he earns a lot more than me. DD is disappointed that I've said no, but I'm currently on maternity leave receiving SMP. I feel angry that he's asked me through DD, and that I've been made to feel like the baddy in her eyes.

So AIBU for saying no? For feeling so cross?

OP posts:
specialsubject · 21/02/2013 21:31

she already has several party dresses. Unless she is Paris-bloody-Hilton, she doesn't need another one. End of.

GrowSomeCress · 21/02/2013 21:35

That is ludicrous Shock

someoftheabove · 21/02/2013 21:40

Maybe Nuneaton is a bit more upmarket than where my dcs went to school. There, some years ago, a year 6 girl came to the end of term disco (not prom) wearing a mini skirt and and black t shirt bearing the words, "If you think I'm a bitch, you should meet my mum."

GazpachoSoup · 21/02/2013 21:42

YADNBU. I'd be feeling like giving her father a slap if I were you. Prom dresses (and indeed, prom dresses) are bloody stupid IMO, and a complete extravagance and waste of money.
At the risk of sounding like an old fart, whatever happened to a trellis table thingy, with Disco crisps, cola and cream soda, with boys and girls dancing at opposite sides of the room as it wasn't cool otherwise?!
All this limos, prom dresses, and date type bollocks makes me feel all sad and a little dead and worrying inside.

GazpachoSoup · 21/02/2013 21:42

proms gah, sorry

midastouch · 21/02/2013 21:46

At 11 isnt that just a school disco really? I have looked at the site I wouldnt let my daughter wear one of those at 11, i dont even pay that much for my own dresses! Would they even fit her properly? I wouldnt have paid towards a limo either though so maybe im just mean!

ArbitraryUsername · 21/02/2013 21:51

It will just be a standard school disco, just billed as a 'prom'. There will be the usual food and drinks (we'd never have gotten cream soda at our school; it was a choice incredibly weak orange or black current squash), the kids will dance with their friends or sit around at the sides.

I wore a £15 dress from top shop to my high school prom, back in the day. It was more of an actual prom though (in a hotel, not the gym hall/dinner hall, with an actual bar).

apostropheuse · 21/02/2013 21:52

Proms for eleven year olds - a piece of nonsense.

Limos to go to said proms - just as bloody daft.

Anyway, YANBU - it would be absolutely stupid to pay that amount of money for a dress for a school party.

Madness.

ArbitraryUsername · 21/02/2013 21:57

I remember going to a school ceilidh when I was in 4th or 5th year (held in the dinner hall, naturally). My mum let me spend about £20 on a new outfit (which I wore with my trainers, mid-90s style). My friends were all dressed similarly.

One of the other girls in the year was going around telling everyone that her dress was Versace and cost £1000 or something ridiculous like that. I don't know if it was true (her parents were rich and gave her stupid amounts of money to spend on clothes). None of us were impressed anyway. The dress was hideous. She looked like a turkey wrapped up in tin foil.

BlatantLies · 21/02/2013 22:07

My DS and I were looking at. Proper prom dresses last week. There were loads of beautiful dresses on sale. We looked in Coast, House of Fraser, Debenhams etc. There were plenty of dresses for £40 ish quid.

I think it is very silly to spend more on an 11 year old.

gymboywalton · 22/02/2013 08:35

why was your son looking at prom dresses?

FryOneFatManic · 22/02/2013 09:15

DS might mean sister in this case.

BlatantLies · 22/02/2013 09:19

Lol, Blush. Lets go with Darling Sister.

mrsjay · 22/02/2013 09:22

yes yes proms for leaving primary is bonkers blah blah, but they happen and TBH the kids love them they are not proms really they are leavers parties and the children have a great time and you will wonder what all the fuss was about when you see your dd and her friends and you will wonder where all the years went, so after all that you paid for a limo so you have bought into it already you could have said no you can't back out now , set a limit for a dress for her and stick to it she doesnt need hundreds of pounds on a dress dd2 was 15 quid from debenhams sale dd1 wore trousers. let her think it is a 'prom' but you as a grown up knows it is really a leavers disco for 10/11 yr olds

OddBoots · 22/02/2013 09:23

My DCs' school has and end of primary prom, I hate it but wouldn't make them not go. DS has had his and from his experience there DD will not be wearing a strapless dress to hers, there were too many wardrobe malfunctions and the girls still get teased sometimes a couple of years on.

HollyBerryBush · 22/02/2013 09:24

At the boys proms, no one dolled up in ball gowns, apart from one girl who was just so over dressed - they all went in normal party kit.

I'm not in favour of proms, but I suppose, as they are all going their different ways, it is a nice 'goodbye' party.

mrsjay · 22/02/2013 09:26

exactly holly My eldest dd is nearly 20 and it all sort of kicked off with her age group the limos and whatnot, but only a few girls were 'overdressed' most were just in normal party clothes,

PaellaUmbrella · 22/02/2013 09:26

Anybody who spends £175 - £300 on a dress for an 11 year old would be a fucking idiot. That's what I spent on my wedding dress!

I do think proms are absolutely ridiculous, and I wouldn't have paid for a limo either. Are they all wanting to go to the hairdressers and get their hair put up too?

I'd say just tell your ex to buy the dress if he wants to, but really, I wouldn't be happy with that amount of money being spent on an 11 year old, it sends out the wrong messages.

mrsjay · 22/02/2013 09:27

DDS real prom at high school was different some of the dresses were extravagant but they were 17/18

ArbitraryUsername · 22/02/2013 09:28

We got the bus to/from our high school prom. Grin

Some people probably had limos and such like. Or even taxis. But my friends and I trekked back into the city centre from the hotel and got the bus home.

5madthings · 22/02/2013 09:29

A prom in yr 6?!! Our yr 6 leavers have a bbq/picnic and play games one afternoon aftet school!

mrsjay · 22/02/2013 09:30

Some people probably had limos and such like. Or even taxis. But my friends and I trekked back into the city centre from the hotel and got the bus home.

I think thats fab hoickig up the dresses to get on the bus Grin DDs school laid on a coach to and from they all went together except a few who had limos but they were the minority

mrsjay · 22/02/2013 09:31

hoicking*

DrSeuss · 22/02/2013 09:33

Proms for 11 year olds are crazy! However, you bought in when you sprung for the limo. Even given that the whole thing is stupid, it is a stupid thing that seems to mean something to your daughter.
stores.ebay.co.uk/2BeGorgeous-Special-Occasions-Wear/Girls-Special-Occasion-Dresses-/_i.html?_fsub=2592527013&_sid=97714553&_trksid=p4634.c0.m322
Any more in budget?
If it were me I would go along with it, even though I feel it to be ridiculous. I remember too well what it feels like to be excluded from the fun everyone else is having.

FryOneFatManic · 22/02/2013 09:35

I agree it's a form of "goodbye" party.

DS's primary introduced "proms" for the Yr 6s last year, but it's really just a posh disco. As the children from that school could be going to any one of about 4 schools, I guess for them it is a nice thing to do. I didn't see any posh cars last summer (live nearby) but one parent brought a group of children along in a camper van decked out with balloons, it was quite sweet Smile.

However, DS (in Yr4) is currently obsessed with the idea of getting a tux and dressing up as James Bond, so I can imagine he'll want to be a snappy dresser come prom night for him Grin.

DD, in Y8, missed out on a prom at this school, but I have promised her a nice dress for her prom in Yr 11 (I should have mastered the sewing machine by then, she'll get a unique dress for less than those in the shops).

OP, you seem to have a sensible DD, lets hope in time she can see these manipulative efforts for what they are.