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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be outraged at being asked to contribute to prom dress for DD (aged 11) by Ex-H?

84 replies

Moominlandmidwinter · 21/02/2013 16:37

DD1 had been at her father's since yesterday, with it being half-term. She's just got back. She's just sidled up to me (I could tell that she was going to ask for something!) and said that her dad had taken her to look at prom dresses yesterday, and he wants me to go halves on a dress for her year 6 leavers' party. I was in the shop in question myself yesterday, as my 16 year old sister was looking for a dress for a prom in June, and wanted a second opinion. The dresses range in price from £175-£300+.

There are several reasons why I have said no. 1. I personally think it's ridiculous that there is a primary school prom. I have already succumbed to peer pressure, and agreed to pay £30 towards a limo. 2. She has several pretty party dresses that she has hardly worn, and would look much nicer in one of them IMHO. 3. Ex-H has our two DDs 3 nights per week, and pays £136 per month child maintenance. Once school meals are paid, it leaves approx. £35 per child, per month, and I pay for all school trips (residential one coming up), clothing, school uniforms etc. I never ask him for extra money for anything, yet he earns a lot more than me. DD is disappointed that I've said no, but I'm currently on maternity leave receiving SMP. I feel angry that he's asked me through DD, and that I've been made to feel like the baddy in her eyes.

So AIBU for saying no? For feeling so cross?

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 21/02/2013 17:08

I wouldn't let an 11 year wear any of those dresses, never mind pay for one.

EnjoyResponsibly · 21/02/2013 17:08

That site is clearly not targeted at 11 year olds.

It's highly unlikely that any if their dresses would fit her, the cost is unreconcilable with the fact the dress will be inappropriate, and she'll grow out of it in a month.

YANBU.

MrsLyman · 21/02/2013 17:09

Does he really want you to go halves or is he just looking for you to be the one that says no?

ArbitraryUsername · 21/02/2013 17:09

The limo thing looks much more sensible now, doesn't it?

Veneto · 21/02/2013 17:09

Definately think, as others have already said, those dresses aren't really suitable for an 11 year old. They are designed with adults in mind. However, Tammy usually has something more for your dd age group, or if she has something already in her wardrobe then I would go with that. She will have her chance to wear a proper prom dress when she's older, so it's not like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Personally, I would think something slightly more casual for a primary school prom would be better, especially as they will probably run around and mess about.

Catchingmockingbirds · 21/02/2013 17:12

I thought you were being unreasonable until I read that she's only 11. Fgs she can wear one of her party dresses, she's already going in a limo Shock. I remember getting a new top for less than a tenner and a pound for the tuck shop for my school leaving disco at that age.

Catchingmockingbirds · 21/02/2013 17:14

"The helicopter request was maybe just a wee bit over the top?

You think? :o

NotADragonOfSoup · 21/02/2013 17:15

It's ridiculous.

But... are you sure he is asking you through DD and she's not trying to play you off against each other?

Original poster
Moominlandmidwinter · 21/02/2013 17:15

MrsLyman- I think he probably wants me to be the one who says no. It's rare for him to put his hands in his pocket. He would probably make his mother pay for the other half.

I've had a chat with her, and said that her 'real' prom in year 11 will be special, and she will have the chance to dress up properly then. I've also said that I doubt any of her friends will have the sort of dresses she has been looking at! She is totally fine with it all.

OP posts:
ChristineDaae · 21/02/2013 17:17

No that's a ridiculous amount of money to pay, plus those are dresses I would wear (24) I would definitely not let an 11 year old wear a dress from that website!

Original poster
Moominlandmidwinter · 21/02/2013 17:17

NotaDragonofSoup- yes absolutely positive. He's extremely manipulative and does things like this once in a while. It's not DDs thing to do that.

OP posts:
thebody · 21/02/2013 17:18

Think the limo is ott to be honest and you said yes to that.

So if she is going in a limo she can't really wear leggings can she?

Just get her a cheaper option( there's loads out there) River Island, etc and then present half the bill to dh.

You also need to have a real chat to your ex as trust me this playing one off against another will get far worse as she gets older so you and ex need to act as a unit together.

thebody · 21/02/2013 17:20

Right just caught up op. glad dd is fine with it now. Still think you need to chat to ex though, he sounds a knob.

NotADragonOfSoup · 21/02/2013 17:20

Just wondered as mine always have a slightly different version of events to what their father says, with the truth being somewhere in between!

Booyhoo · 21/02/2013 17:23

as others have said proms for 11 year olds are ridiculous. but as you have agreed she can go then she will need a dress. however, you have provided not one but several dresses that she already owns. you are under no obligation to contribute to one that her father thinks she should have. it would be different if she didn't have any already, but she does so if she wants a new one and her father is happy to buy it then he should pay the full amount.

Birdsgottafly · 21/02/2013 17:24

My DD wanted a green prom dress, she is slightly Emo/schene in her taste.

I got her a new dress for £40 from Ebay, so did many other mums.

You don't have to spend mass amounts.

My DD is now 15 and still talks about how much she enjoyed her end of primary school celebration. Done on a budget, in advance, it isn't that expensive for a nice celebration and the end of an era.

At 11 then can understand why there is a cap on spending, if he wants to pay for the dress, that is up to him.

jinsymaw · 21/02/2013 17:35

Ex H has no right to ask you to pay for half, at such crazy prices. Proms are ridiculous and it's hard not to get swept along, when all their friends are putting pressure on their peers and parents to go out and buy these dresses. I got my DD a one from BHS.co. They have great prom dresses that range from £20 to £30 pounds. Good luck.

VivaLeBeaver · 21/02/2013 17:36

My 11yo had a Yr 6 prom. None of the girls wore proper prom dresses, they had nice sparkly party dress type dresses.

VivaLeBeaver · 21/02/2013 17:38

Yes, my dd's was from BHS.

PLENTY HERE

tHERE'S EVEN a full length one for £34 which looks like the ones on your prom dress shop link.

Original poster
Moominlandmidwinter · 21/02/2013 17:39

Part of me wishes I hadn't agreed to the limo, I was put on the spot a bit when her best friend's mum called out of the blue, saying that her DD wanted a limo with her closest friends, and she thought it would be nice for them. However, I know that DD would feel left out if she saw her friends arriving in a limo, as she was getting out of our scruffy zafira (smile).

OP posts:
FellatioNels0n · 21/02/2013 17:39

She doesn't need a prom dress. She is 11. That is all.

FellatioNels0n · 21/02/2013 17:41

I am Shock and Hmm that people seriously book fucking limos for 11 year old children to leave primary school in. It makes me feel a little bit sick, actually.

Original poster
Moominlandmidwinter · 21/02/2013 17:41

The BHS ones look perfect, thank you. I will show DD and maybe compromise by letting her have a new dress but from ebay or BHS (and age-appropriate!).

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 21/02/2013 17:51

He probably has no intention of buying her one but wants to back you in to a corner so in the end your the one who says no.

Next time you see him hand him a itemised list of half the cost of all none routine things you have to buy for her benefit add a note on the bottom saying

for your attention given you think I should be paying half towards things you wish to buy...... Thought not. Now don't ever ask our child to engage in the type of discussions that you the adult,should be having,it is not appropriate it is manipulative and it does not work.

Oh yanbu

glossyflower · 21/02/2013 21:26

11 years old? A prom? When I left school we had a school disco in which I think I went fancy dress as a cat!

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