to want to put my photos on Facebook

[mamateur]

We got married at the weekend . I had a good friend visit from the US with her daughter. Her DD was massively excited about the wedding and wanted to be a flower girl. It was an informal wedding but of course I said she could, got her a lovely posy etc and she came into the register office holding my hand etc. My friend has said categorically that she doesn't want any photos of her DD on FB. At the time of this conversation I didn't say anything, her DD her choice. THey went back yesterday and our wedding photos have arrived, and it has dawned on me that her DD is in every shot. I have put our photos on FB because I have lots of friends in different countries which is why I use it, but now I'm worried she'll be upset.

Who the pictures belong to is really neither here nor there.
Fact is, your friend asked you not to do something she felt strongly about, and you went and did it anyway, cos obviously your feelings are more important than hers.
So yeah, flights or no flights, nice friend.

get them off FB NOW. I know people who ask to keep the kids pictures off Facebook and would not dream of ignoring this.

ask her if a restricted site would be acceptable, e.g. a Flickr page limited to certain users.

"I don't want pictures of my DS on facebook, so that mean I should keep him behind locked doors?"

No but maybe keep him away from being a central part of big social celebrations which traditionally involve lots of photographs and those photographs being shared.

Have you considered there may be a really good reason why she doesn't want the pics put out there? Actually, the good (enough) reason could just e the the fact that it's her decision, not yours

Tantrums, I'm not going to type my fingers to the bone explaining why your take is incorrect.

I just received a lovely email from her, I'm going to reply and mention the situation and take it from there.

I think there's a real difference between pictures specifically of her child - ie in which the child is the main subject, and group shots in which the child is present but is not the main subject of the shop. If you'd put a picture just of her on Facebook (or any social media site, god it's boring how people get so precious about how much they hate Facebook while merrily participating in other social media sites) then YWBU. But if she's in a group shot of your wedding then it's entirely reasonable that you'd share those photos on Facebook and elsewhere.

Facebook is brilliant for sharing events like weddings with family and friends abroad - I got married and live thousands of miles from most of my family and friends abroad and Facebook is a great way to share the day with them without having to resort to enormous emails (that yes, still clog up a lot of email servers and can cause problems with people's inboxes if sent to work addresses in particular. Don't send 20MB emails unless you are prepared to be sworn about behind your back).

If you've lived in a number of countries, or live very far from a significant proportion of your family and friends, then Facebook is brilliant. Use is widespread (my grandmother is nearly 90 and on Facebook for heaven's sake) so you don't have to tell people what to do / how to use it so it's less daunting for people without much technical skill. But ultimately, it's a platform, not a generator of content. When people moan about Facebook being crap, and too full of x, y or z, I tend to think that their Facebook friends are crap. Mine are pretty ace, actually.

Actually, you don't know if your friend will have a problem with this - it could quite simply be she has accepted that formal occasions will end up on facebook and she can only police private photos. That by being flower girl would mean that not only the bride and groom but many of the other guests will have taken photos of her DD and put them on the facebook or other sites she doesn't even know about. It could well be she fully expects her DD's photos to be up - it's not like she saw only one or two photos of her DD being taken, she stood there and allowed her DD to be in all your wedding photos. (and I assume not just the formal photographer but other guests took photos too.) It's sort of a given that wedding photos aren't private things but public ones.

There's a big difference to having a problem with a photo just of your DC, and trying to stop the publication of group photos that your DC happen to be in, much more sensible to not allow your DC to be in the group photo in the first place - which is what most people who have a problem with their DCs images being shared do. Parents who don't want their DCs photos published at schools tend to say "I don't want my DC to be in the team/class photo" not "I'm happy for them to be in the team/class photo, but I now want to control what other people do with that photo."

ask her first I really wouldn't want my dd on facebook but in this situation may have to compromise!

Firstly, congratulations!

YANBU to put pictures of your wedding up, this is if you have the permission of the photographer as he holds the copyright.

YABU for putting them up before cropping or blurring after the mother has specifically told you she does not want pictures of her child on the net. I realise that there might be a lot of pictures, but she has already told you her wishes and as the mother of the child, they should be respected. It doesn't matter at they haven't been tagged, she has specifically told you that she doesn't want pictures of her child online.

Take them down and meet her halfway, especially if there are a lot to them. There are some very secure websites that allow for photo sharing with a specific email invite and password. Ask her if it would be acceptable to out some on there, pointing out that family far away would like to see the photos but there are a lot of them and as her child was flower girl, she is in everyone. And then blur a few generic and put those on Facebook.

I agree that she does seem a bit over zealous in the no photos whatsoever remark, which will be interesting when her daughter hits high school and maybe makes the cheer leading squad (you cold also use that argument!) but as sneezing says, she can report every single picture and get them all removed. Take them down and then ask. She muse indertsand that recieivng the ohotos were v exciting and you put them up wi a honeymoon head on.

If she's any sort of friend, she'll realise that it's a honest, excitement in the moment mistake.

I think it's bloody unreasonable to expect you not to put your wedding pictures on Facebook. It's your special day, regardless.

Oh well, if you're a bride that obviously gives you carte blanche to ride roughshod over everyone else's wishes.
Seriously, why don't you just use photoshop or something and remove her? It's hardly an arduous task. You could have it done in half an hour.

Why are the likes of websites like Picasa any safer than anywhere else on the internet????

All photo sharing/social netwroking sites have privacy settings and password protection and all are subject to the same security breeches.

If you put them on the net then they are on the net end of.

Fwiw OP - I think you should copy your photos you want to upload and pixelate (sp??) your flower girls face in all the pics. Then download the ones from FB and re put up the ones with the face blurred out.

I think thats the best compromise tbh.

She told you in advance... You really should have paid attention to which photos the child was in when you knew you didn't have permission to Facebook the photos. The fact that you don't legally need permission is irrelevant.
Why did you have her as flower girl when the Facebook thing was so important to you?

Most popular photo sharing websites aren't safe as they do allow caching from search engines and also hold the photos on an external server. As I've said before, the Internet is forever! You could try a paid for photo website like Smugmug which can disable the search engines and have pretty high privacy settings.

You could also use peer-to-server sharing, then only those with the appropriate permissions can view the photos however the moment you switch your PC off, no-one can view the pictures at all.

It baffles me why you'd ask if YBU, then unless people say "no" you get all snippy.

Whilst I can't understand the need to put anything on FB I can see you'd want to share your bridal joy with your friends around the world.

But when you'd had a conversation with this child's mother in which she expressed her views about that, I just don't understand why you couldn't have waited at least until she got home to ringer and discuss it.

I bet she would have agreed under the circumstances. But you've chanced a friendship over something totally avoidable.

Bit silly really.

Take them down now, blur out the child's face and put them back up; her wishes respected and your need to share with friends met. Win, win.

Ywbvu to leave them up there until you have spoken to her.

You can put your photos on Facebook and choose the audience for them. Just make them invisible to her. This is what I have done when I know someone has a problem with seeing photos on Facebook. Many of my albums are visible to only me.

"the damage is done" what damage? I assume the op would know if the child was in danger of an abusive father or birth family. What is the actual damage of a child being in a group photo on Facebook?

I think sometimes parents forget that nobody actually cares about images of their child, at the very most someone might think "oh that's a pretty flower girl dress I wonder where they bought it?"

If I were you op I would post them and if the friend mentioned anything I would apologise and say "oh I thought you were just concerned about naked/bath photos, it didn't occur to me that you might be concerned about fully clothed group photos"

Congratulations! :)

I understand what you are saying MaryZ but maybe she thought she didn't have to worry about not letting her dd be in the pics because she had made it very clear to the OP that she didn't want her daughters pics on Facebook?

I just think, fair enough if you don't explain to someone how you feel. If you don't specifically mention that you don't want your DCs on FB pics then you may have to accept that a few will turn up here and there, especially at things like weddings.

But if you have a lengthy conversation with a friend about it, then surely you would expect said friend to show a bit of respect and at least let you know first, rather than just putting the pics up without her knowledge?

Just blur the child's face like they do with celebrities' children in the press. It's not like you have to do this with you actual photos that you have at home.

If I saw this on FB, I wouldn't think it odd I"d just assume that the parents of the child didn't want photos of that child on FB.

I agree with blurring the girls face. OR what about having a different friend or relative who was at the wedding upload it as their album and tag you so your other friend can still see you?

The mother in question didn't say she didn't want her DD in any photos, she said she didn't want her on FB.