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AIBU?

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Original poster

Other people's weddings

154 replies

johnthepong · 20/02/2013 11:05

Gone are the days when I could look forward to a wedding and enjoy the day out. Everyone seems so wrapped up in their own weddings they forget the rest of us have a life, or might have other Shock weddings to go to. yes I should be grateful I have been invited but I am fed up with the things costing me a fortune.
Nobody has a hen night now, everybody has a hen weekend. Everybody has to do some "unique" activity which costs the rest of us a fortune. of course, the hen can't be expected to pay for her own fucking hen weekend so we all have to foot the bill. then, after said weekend, we all had to contribute to buy the bridesmaids a present to thank them for organising the weekend. When the duck did this start? surely that is the bride' s job?!
All anybody wants for their wedding these days is cash. Guess what- I don't have any left, I spent it all on your hen do. You can't just give someone £10 or £20, it's their WEDDING! So you feel obliged to give them more than you can afford. :(
Of course, my children aren't invited to any of their special days, so they get shipped off for another weekend without mummy, having only just returned after the hen weekend.
And then we all have to think of a "special" memory of me and the bride, and a special song that can be played at the special wedding.
I've got 3 like this in 2 months. I'm going to turn down the next hen invite I get. No family holiday for us this year.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/02/2013 21:02

I decline: hen thingies that are more than one night; weddings that are not local and not in a place with affordable accommodation; childfree weddings; any wedding touting for cash as a gift or 'buy our honeymoon' type of tackiness.

This separates the wheat from the chaff.

GroupieGirl · 20/02/2013 21:09

Noooooooo!!!!!

If anyone brings L-plates it will mean an automatic un-invitation from the wedding which by all accounts would be a relief!

breatheslowly · 20/02/2013 21:13

YANBU - DH has been invited to a stag weekend a really long way away for a wedding that we didn't even make the sit down meal list for. It includes a number of activities that he doesn't want to do. He declined as did many of the invitees. Instead of taking the hint (it is months away, it is unlikely that most people are booked up), they have changed the date. The answer is still "no"!

Original poster
johnthepong · 20/02/2013 21:42

The hen do was booked through a company at an extortionate cost of around £200. I said I would only go for one night and booked my own accomodation. Still costing me a fortune. I cant believe these hen do companies exist. Why the fuck are people paying £200 to stay in a travel lodge and go to a nightclub- still have to pay drinks and food on top!!
I have now been shunned by the chief hen as I am obviously awkward by not going through the company.

I wish I had said no. I dont want to go. Got a £50 budget which will probably buy me one drink in the nightclub. Thats also got to pay for my dinner. Already paid for hotel room so all in all it will still end up costing me over £100 by the time Ive driven there. Oh yes, just remembered, parking is £25. Woop de doop.

OP posts:
bumperella · 20/02/2013 21:47

Aww, I thought reading this that a gender reveal party was going to involve post-op transexuals getting their new bits out, I'm slightly disappointed that it's not as outre as that. I live rural, don't get out much....

expatinscotland: What if wedding is local to the bride (or groom) but not local to you?

FellatioNels0n · 21/02/2013 05:05

Hen Nights are the seventh circle of hell anyway. Always have been, even in my day when they involved going for a lame meal in a nearby town and then onto a lame nightclub. With the bride's mother, sister, auntie, and a bunch of work friends none of her other friends know. ICK. I'm so glad I never have to do any of this again, especially as I would now have to spend 200 quid and fly to Barcelona for the privilege.

The idea of 'one last night of singleton freedom' is such a patronising, outdated and daft idea anyway.

MrsLion · 21/02/2013 06:38

YANBU. Definitely not. I see this all the time.

DH has been groomsman at 3 weddings recently. 1 of these weddings was out in the sticks, 2 nights away was required due to 'wedding party' obligations the night before.

All of the stag dos have been weekends away. As have the hens' nights. Which I politely declined.

Out of the other 2 weddings, one was in Fiji, the other The Cook Islands. Granted we live on the right side of the world but it's still a foreign holiday ffs.

Spent vast amounts of money.

We have also been invited to another wedding this year in Fiji. There is no way in hell we are going.
'Its all so wonderful! All our guests can combine it with their holiday this year!'

Errr actually no. For those of us with kids its a pain in the arse.

We don't want to go to sodding Fiji for our family holiday thank you very much- dictated by your wedding plans. I would much rather a trip back home to the UK to see my friends, parents and sisters.

MercedesKing · 21/02/2013 06:40

I hate this kind of stuffs too, you see, our tradition for other's wedding is all about cash too, it felt like an obligation to give others the money, all the interpersonal communication is imbued with something vulgar, which seems that cash is the only thing the wedding cares about,. However, it seems that almost everyone in my surroundings would love to do this kind of things, it sucks. Hope it can be changed someday. Hmm

badtasteflump · 21/02/2013 10:22

Reading this thread is making me feel old Grin

When I got married a hen night/stag night was a meal out and a pub crawl.

Wedding presents were a nice wodge of cash from the parents Smile and towels/photo frames/toasters from everyone else. But at least we're still married - and we'll never run out of toasters Smile

ScarlettInSpace · 21/02/2013 10:34

The funniest stag do invite OH had was a casino weekend in Monaco hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa yeah right Grin So many people respectfully declined it was changed to Scotland Grin

pictish · 21/02/2013 10:44

A casino weekend in Monaco??

LOLLLL!! That sounds dead affordable and realistic, and not a bit up one's own arsehole!

Ferhooking hell!

ScarlettInSpace · 21/02/2013 10:45

I know, we actually pee'd ourselves laughing when he got the invite Grin

pictish · 21/02/2013 10:54

I bet! Grin

FellatioNels0n · 21/02/2013 11:22

I have no problem with people wanting to get married abroad, but surely the whole point of that is that you can have an unusual, small and intimate wedding with just very close family and maybe one or two close friends at most. Surely it's the decent thing to do to throw a bit of a party for your wider group of friends and other relatives (if that's what you want to do, but I see no obligation to do it) once you are home, not expect them to use up their valuable time and money following you have way around the world?

Oh, and since when did we start having bridal showers, formal wedding rehearsals with a dinner attached, and a big dinner the night before the wedding? People have been watching too much of that blooming American telly again. Hmm

When I got married the rehearsal involved me, my fiance and the vicar, and it took about 12 minutes. Grin

(which was about 10 minutes longer than the marriage lasted.)

RosyRoo · 21/02/2013 11:44

I turned down a hen weekend invite for the first time ever this year, and I feel very guilty about it. I find it very difficult to say no, because it's not that we absolutely can't afford it, it's just that I would rather spend the money on other things. I now feel like I will have to be careful all year not to mention any holidays or expensive sounding plans to the bride to be. I couldn't use the excuse of being busy as the date was sounded out about a year in advance!

pictish · 21/02/2013 12:25

Just tell the truth rosy. Tell her that the hen do is too much of a strain financially, as you must put your family holiday first.
Who in their right mind could argue with that?

Fairydogmother · 21/02/2013 12:38

I honestly hate hen dos! All that tacky dressing up and giant inflatable willies - no thanks. Mine will be something small and low key.

But fair enough if that's what others want - please just don't wave the inflatable around beside me in a restaurant lol

PinsAndNoodles · 21/02/2013 13:05

I'm doing well on wedding-from-hell-bingo on this thread... I was so excited to be invited to a wedding this year as I haven't been to one for ages but we've had:

  • cash requested for honeymoon via medium of tacky rhyme in invite
  • no children invited, babes-in-arms allowed but tacky rhyme in invite asking you to take them out of the ceremony if they cry Hmm
  • wedding in castle in middle of nowhere and my DP (of 4 years) is only invited to the evening do so not sure what he's expected to do for seven hours
  • I declined the hen weekend on the grounds of childcare/finance as suggested by several posters above, very graciously and non-defensively I thought, only to have the bridezilla come back to say she was very 'disappointed' because I'd had the time to save up and organise myself.

I feel ->

PinsAndNoodles · 21/02/2013 13:08

Oh - and I had a write a paean to our friendship and how fabulous she is for the memory book from the hen weekend. I'm sure she'll love it and it'll be a nice thing to have but I found it a tad toe-curling .

pictish · 21/02/2013 13:15

Pins - tell her if you save up for something it won't be for a hen weekend, but rather something you need and the whole family can benefit from.
Such arrogance! (her not you)

expatinscotland · 21/02/2013 13:36

'expatinscotland: What if wedding is local to the bride (or groom) but not local to you?,

Depends. If it's in a place where I can get a Premier Inn, fine, but if it's this castle in the middle of nowhere where you have to stay at teh £££ place then it'll need to be a no.

We struggle to save for an annual caravan holiday in the UK for our family and this will always come first.

PinsAndNoodles · 21/02/2013 13:37

Pictish - yes exactly! We've just bought a manky old house (our first) so that's our priority. We're not even going on holiday this year . I'm still kind of staggered that she didn't accept a 'no'. And it's a girly whirly pink extravaganza which she knows is not my scene.

LaQueen · 21/02/2013 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaQueen · 21/02/2013 13:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ResponsibleAdult · 21/02/2013 13:56

Weddings have become 12 months of inexcusable selfish behaviour on the part of either bride, groom, mother/ father of bride or groom or all of them. Takes all the fun out of what should be a happy day.
Hope there is some kind of backlash to a more reasonable level of expectation. Return to a hen night meal and club. Stag do pub crawl. Wedding small and local, gift what you can afford.
Will be indoctrinating my DCs in the near and foreseeable future that this is the case, because unless we win the lottery that is what they will be getting.